My 3 year old pinched another girl at preschool

[Areia]

I am so sad that she hurt another child like this (she left a mark on her face, but luckily no serious damange). I have spoken to her and she had a time in directly after school. We will reinforce that we do not hurt others and model appropriate behavior if she gets frustrated at school, but would love to hear some advice from anyone who has been there.

Of course, she will apologize to the other girl, but I'd like to apologize to the other parents and assure them that we are taking this seriously. I don't know who they are. Would it be ok to get their email from the teacher and contact them or is that just odd? The other mother understood that this happens at this age, but of course she was upset that her child was hurt. My daughter has never hit another child before so we've never really had to deal with this before.

[oaktreemama]

I do think you are over-reacting just a bit to what is a pretty normal occurrance. A time in several hours after it occurred was probably pretty pointless for her. I think for two-three year olds the consequences have to be pretty immediate for there to be any connection made.

Secondly, while she has made great strides in being able to express herself, she is still three and prone to impulsive behavior.

Our dcp works very hard to set up situations and transitions to avoid frustration and jostling that can lead to physical responses between the children. But, it still happens occasionally.

While I am all for talking about gentle touches, modeling appropriate behavior, using words and working on learning to handle frustrations without physical acting out, I am also understanding of the fact that this kind of stuff does happen. My son has pinched, and he has been bitten once. I felt sad he was hurt, and felt bad he hurt someone else, but filed it away under normal if bothersome childhood stuff.

At our dc they won't tell you who the offender was, and even if they did, I would not expect an email apology from the parent. Nor would I welcome or expect a forced apology from their child to mine.

[Areia]

Thanks for your post. That's exactly what I need- some prespectives from more experienced parents. I just wanted to add that she had her time in as soon as she was picked up (she only goes a partial day) which was shortly after incident.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Areia

I am so sad that she hurt another child like this (she left a mark on her face, but luckily no serious damange). I have spoken to her and she had a time in directly after school. We will reinforce that we do not hurt others and model appropriate behavior if she gets frustrated at school, but would love to hear some advice from anyone who has been there.

Of course, she will apologize to the other girl, but I'd like to apologize to the other parents and assure them that we are taking this seriously. I don't know who they are. Would it be ok to get their email from the teacher and contact them or is that just odd? The other mother understood that this happens at this age, but of course she was upset that her child was hurt. My daughter has never hit another child before so we've never really had to deal with this before.

I respect and appreciate the way you are choosing to handle this. I know three year olds are prone to impulsive behavior but I think it's good that you ask your DD to apologize. It may be something she will do on her own when you mention it.

I also think reaching out to the parents is a good idea too. I would welcome and appreciate a parent contacting me after my child was hurt even if it wasn't seriously.

[Polliwog]

I try not to discipline at home for things done at school. We might talk about how the child felt but nothing more than that, especially if it's an isolated incident. Three-year-olds have conflicts at school. It's developmentally typical.

The school should not be telling you who the victim is (if that's what happened.) Most schools/states have confidentially rules in place that would prohibit that.

[NYCVeg]

I agree that this is age-appropriate behavior, and I wouldn't punish my child at home for something like that. On the other hand, I've been on the other side of this: my dd was injured twice by the same child at school--more serious injuries than a pinch. Ultimately, I felt the school put in adequate procedures to keep her safe, but the other parents just didn't give a darn, as I learned through other channels. A quick call saying they were working with him to address the issue would have made me feel much better about the whole situation and probably would have made me feel less (irrationally) angry at the other child, who was really not the one to blame.

The school will likely not tell you who the other child was, but your child probably will. I'm sure the parents would appreciate a quick phone call to discuss the situation. Maybe you can even get the kids together for a play date.

[jennifercp8]

The school and teacher will not release the information or email address to you, but you could send a note to school, and they can pass it on for them. Maybe just a quick something along the lines of - wanted to make sure your DD was ok, I have spoken with my DD about this situation, and we take this kind of behavior seriously. Hopefully this won't happen again" and pass along your contact information if they want to discuss it further.

If this had happened to my kids at school, I would accept that this was age appropriate, and if the parents had reached out to me I would accept the invitation. Maybe make some new friends.

[Latte Mama]

I think it's great that you are taking this seriously. And very kind to reach out to the other parents. Kudos for being a good example and great mama!

[Areia]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all of your replies. This week has passed without any incident (my DD goes twice a week, half days) so I'm feeling much better ( I hadn't even realized how anxious I was feeling).

As some have mentioned, the teacher couldn't give me the parents' names, but she did pass on our note and said that the girls played together nicely this week.

During the past week, we've taken every chance we could (there were more opportunities than I realized) to model the behavior we'd like to see and remind her to use her words and gentle touches only. She is really responding well and we've seen where we can improve how handle certain situations too so hopefully she repeat the pinching.