I Need a Creative Solution.

[VisionaryMom]

Okay, I need some help making a decision. I quit my job in June 2004 when I got pregnant with DS. I worked as a reporter, so I transitioned to freelance writing. I've been doing that for just over 6 years now. My work has been sporadic at best, and I've come to know that I don't want to be a freelance writer forever. I'm good at it, though (yeah, I know that sounds bad ) , and so it's become this sort of vicious cycle where I want to get out but stay "just until we buy X." Then we buy X but then we have Y to get.

I also homeschool my DS who is in kindergarten, and my 3YO daughter is at home. Back in April, I was offered a job (long story, but out of the blue) doing arts organizing, which I would *love* to do full-time. I accepted the job, and we hired a summer nanny. Three weeks in & all hell broke loose, and the end result is that I don't have that job anymore. (It doesn't exist. It turns out the woman who was starting the art gallery didn't have any business permits or occupational licenses, and yeah, government officials don't really like that.)

Anyway, I realized during that short time that I really enjoyed the adult time I had all day. Being at home, even doing work, has been incredibly difficult for me because it doesn't really jive with my personal beliefs. It's just what happened because of various circumstances.

So, now, I feel miserable more days than not. The problem is that the thought of daycare just frightens me. (Yes, I realize that's probably irrational, but there it is.) And DS at school will not be an easy battle. He's highly asynchronous. He's reading on probably an appropriate level for K (mostly CVC words), though his reading comprehension is much higher. We're doing a Gr2 math curriculum, and he doesn't even have to think about the answers. Our public schools will not differentiate for him. We could...what, sue them?...but meanwhile he's got to be there learning nothing all day. And he'll probably eventually act out because they're still counting stars on pages, and he is doing division.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do or how to meet everyone's needs. I think that we are in a place where we will meet everyone's needs somewhat but no one's fully. Here are what I see as my options. What would you do, or am I missing something?

1. Suck it up. Continue on this path for 2-3 years until we have other viable educational options. (I don't consider this option valid, but it's out there.)

2. Suck it up - but in a different way! Put DD in daycare and DS in school and go to work for myself in event production. There is a history of event planning here; that's not coming from nowhere.

3. Find someone to watch them 2-3 days a week for a good chunk of time. (I actually had someone answer an ad for PT care. She's AP, no TV, will cook from scratch at our house, has a little boy she'd bring with her.) That would allow me to work and have that much-needed adult time (though I would get an office) but still homeschool.

4. Work evenings (dedicated working time!). Seek out writing-related work (classes, seminars, etc.) that I can do, even if it sometimes means using childcare, but insist on uninterrupted work time - probably would result in many visits to coffee shops, etc., though I do have room to create an office in our house.

[Alyantavid]

What kind of work schedule could you get? I'd lean toward the part time care that way you could still homeschool and work. Best of both worlds.

Is there any other education in your area for your son? Mine's in third grade, reads way above that level and regularly does much more advanced math. He's doing good in school, but I keep having to talk to his teachers since he acts out because he's bored to death. They do give him more advanced work, but I'm still trying to get him into a charter school a few towns over that will challenge him much more.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

What kind of work schedule could you get? I'd lean toward the part time care that way you could still homeschool and work. Best of both worlds.

I would be working for myself, so I have great flexibility there. In many ways, this is an incredibly privileged position, and I realize that. I don't need to work for financial gain; my husband's salary is fine. I just want to, but even then, so many choices...

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

Is there any other education in your area for your son? Mine's in third grade, reads way above that level and regularly does much more advanced math. He's doing good in school, but I keep having to talk to his teachers since he acts out because he's bored to death. They do give him more advanced work, but I'm still trying to get him into a charter school a few towns over that will challenge him much more.

We have limited other options unfortunately. There are 3 private schools. Two are religious, so they're out. The third is a decent school. We know several families whose children go there, and while they're nice people, the school's presentation feels (to me) like, "look! We're great parents because we don't send our children to *PUBLIC* school." They are not leaps & bounds ahead academically, and the developmental psych who saw our son suggested public school because legally we can force the issue of differentiation. He rated DS about 4 years ahead of his peers, and we can go through the IEP process.

I've talked to people at our public schools, though, and the line is that they don't "believe" that "giftedness" can be distinguished from "just bright" until 4th grade or so. It's a bizarre situation. (We're in a state with notoriously low-performing schools.) So while our psych is right, we can push for the accommodations, it would be a long and uphill battle. Kindergarten would be okay - a waste of time but okay. I don't want him to stay there long-term, though. I really just want to move, but that's another dilemma entirely.

[Alyantavid]

I hear ya on the moving. There's so little in this area for kids, it's awful. I'd probably keep with the homeschooling if at all possible. Good luck! I hope it all works out for you and your family.

And how the heck do they not "believe" you tell giftedness from just smart kids until that age? That's just bizarre.

[GuildJenn]

I relate a lot to what you've said. I was working kind of freelance (regular gig) and took a dream editorial job in part because I do like to work with people, being in charge, and not hustling piece-by-piece all the time working in isolation going crazy and never having the right childcare to match up with my deadlines...yeah.

Anyways we went with a daycare/Montessori for my son who was 22 months at the time and have never looked back, although it's pricey.

The thing that I learned with that move (which turned out to be a good one) is not to assume that things will be awful. I think it's important to give a good adjustment period and then be willing to change. It's possible that the public school experience wouldn't be as a bad as you think, if your son enjoyed other aspects of the class. #3 sounds like a good option too.

Other suggestions that come to mind is if you're planning to do your own business, or work part-time, maybe there's a homeschooling family in your area who would trade off school days with you - where you take all the kids for two days and then they do or something like that.

I've done the work at night thing and the problem is that it can be tiring and hard on "family time."

[nextcommercial]

I think Number 3 sounds the best, and most comfortable for everyone.

You could still homeschool your son and have #3 right? That way, he could have a playmate (assuming her son is near his age) and still get his education in.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I relate a lot to what you've said. I was working kind of freelance (regular gig) and took a dream editorial job in part because I do like to work with people, being in charge, and not hustling piece-by-piece all the time working in isolation going crazy and never having the right childcare to match up with my deadlines...yeah.

Hmm. Sounds like my life...

I've worked early, early mornings or nights since DS was born, and it does get tiring. Yes, I feel I'm always running around in 3 places at once, never fully devoted to any of them.

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

The thing that I learned with that move (which turned out to be a good one) is not to assume that things will be awful. I think it's important to give a good adjustment period and then be willing to change. It's possible that the public school experience wouldn't be as a bad as you think, if your son enjoyed other aspects of the class. #3 sounds like a good option too.

You sound like my husband! I did make a few daycare calls yesterday for DD, but none of the calls panned out. There either are no openings for a year or I couldn't get anyone (or even vm to leave a message). So, I felt like, "this is cosmic. We shouldn't do it!" DH is not so convinced on that. He feels I, and by extension all of us, would be much happier working.

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Other suggestions that come to mind is if you're planning to do your own business, or work part-time, maybe there's a homeschooling family in your area who would trade off school days with you - where you take all the kids for two days and then they do or something like that.

I could look into a swap. I know we have one family we've done some swaps with before, but it gets difficult. One of their children doesn't do well with caretakers, and I ended up feeling resentful all the time. Maybe it'd work better this time.

NC, the woman I talked to has a son closer to DD's age, but that works better for us. DS is an introvert and has no real need for social interaction regularly, but DD is feeling cooped up already since she's always done mother's morning out or preschool or something to be with others.

[blissfish]

I feel your situation, and wish you a lot of luck. I've been there in a couple of ways and know there aren't really "magic pill" solutions, but DO believe it will work out for you.

Quickly, however, I wanted to share that (for a year, which is another story), we sent our DS to Catholic school even though we are in no way religious and initially wouldn't have considered it. We were REALLY surprised by the quality of the education he received, the variety of options, and even the Jesus stuff opened up discourse at home about spirituality that I found valuable and important. I am not sure what the 2 religious school options are for you, but I can share that - for us, in our town, at the school we chose - their educational standards were very rigorous and they were also a nurturing, caring environment. (That we had to deconstruct all the time, but still...)

Best wishes!

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by blissfish

Quickly, however, I wanted to share that (for a year, which is another story), we sent our DS to Catholic school even though we are in no way religious and initially wouldn't have considered it. We were REALLY surprised by the quality of the education he received, the variety of options, and even the Jesus stuff opened up discourse at home about spirituality that I found valuable and important. I am not sure what the 2 religious school options are for you, but I can share that - for us, in our town, at the school we chose - their educational standards were very rigorous and they were also a nurturing, caring environment. (That we had to deconstruct all the time, but still...)

Best wishes!

We did tour the Catholic school, and I really liked it. I asked lots of questions about how things would be for DC given that we aren't Catholic. They seemed really great about diversity and in fact have a large number of students who are practicing Muslims & Hindus and try to use their experiences in religious ed. They also already had a program in place for differentiation for children like DS. I held back because I was/am concerned about DS' deference to people he sees as authority figures. He believed everything his preschool teacher said (such as that there is a Santa Claus) despite what we said. We're just his parents; what the heck do we know? Aside from that, though, the school itself seemed to be a good fit.

The other school is an evangelical Protestant school that does no evolution, Christian-based history, etc., so they are completely out.

Bleh. I hate these decisions. Parenting was much easier before I had kids.

[lunarlady]

This may be a bit weird, but maybe you could pay another homeschool family to take your kids during the day? Sort of like a home daycare + private school for your kids? That way not a swap, but a chance for you to WOH and the SAHM to make some money. Just a thought. Good luck!

[provocativa]

ooh, i like lunarlady's idea! also #3. in both options you are helping yourself by helping other people, too. these are both ideas i'm looking in to as i look for work. . . .

[VisionaryMom]

I appreciate all of the input. We have made 2/3 of the decision! DH & I had a heart-to-heart this weekend at his request, and he said he feels very strongly that we needed to go the school/daycare route for the kids. My husband is generally agreeable to whatever I want to do (and unfortunately as the idealist/leap-without-looking one, that's gotten us into some sticky situations!), but he said that this is a big enough issue for him that he really feels strongly that I respect his feelings on it. His point is that we have tried to make me working from home around the kids work for 5.5 years, and it hasn't yet. Add homeschool to the mix, and life is more than chaotic.

So, I made the calls today about school for DS. We have an appointment for a physical at 7 Wednesday morning, and we're taking him to school after that. I feel okay with the decision - not great, but I'm trudging along. I also have a potential placement for DD - a center near us that usually doesn't have tons of openings. They're willing to put her in the 4-5YO group, though she's still 3 (though an older 3), which I think will be a good fit. She's ecstatic about the prospect of playing with other children all day. I'm probably a 5 on a 1 to 100 scale of extroversion. She's a 98!

We also decided that for a few weeks, I will continue with the writing projects I have (though possibly query a few magazines ) and get some of our home life caught up. Then we'll begin to talk about what I want/need to do long-term. DH really wants me to get a 9-5, but I'm just not.cut.out for that. Truly the thought of being in a cubicle makes me want to cry, and my degree in sociology pretty much puts me in a cubicle. Oy.

OTOH, I have a strong urge to go out & buy some nice work clothes just because I fee like maybe I'm getting my life back and won't be so invisible anymore.