when is it MORE than cold feet?

[sosurreal09]

supposed to be getting married Nov 3rd. been with dp 8+ years. im kid of panicking....to the point i told him idk if i even want to be with him today....

so idk is it cold feet? (he insists it is) or do i need to get the hell out of here with DD?

[earthmama369]

How do you generally react to major life transitions? How do you react to change in general? If you tend to get stage fright or freak out at change, if life transitions really throw you for a loop, then I'd probably chalk this up to cold feet, because it fits a pattern. If you're generally steady and calm during major changes and this is an unusual reaction for you, then it's worth really looking inside yourself to see if you can figure out why you're feeling this way.

[LROM]

You hardly gave any details so it's impossible to really give you an opinion, but as a general thing I'll say this: If you've been with him for 8 yrs, you should absolutely know WHAT it is about him or your relationship that troubles you, and HOW IMPORTANT those issues are compared to what you like/love about being with him.

If you can't put your fingers on any specific, major issues with him or your relationship, it's probably your own issues re: marriage or commitment or something. Or maybe you know the issues but have trouble facing them/you're in denial.

Really don't know what to tell you, but I do know that 8 yrs is long enough to have a VERY good understanding of what works for you and what doesn't about your relationship, and you really need to get clear with yourself about whether your hesitation is about him.... or is about feelings you have/ways that you are that have absolutely *nothing* to do with him or your relationship.

And whatever the real root of your feelings is... is it worth not following through on the marriage? Will that break you up? Maybe you need to be broken up - I'm not suggesting you should do anything you can to go through with it, just saying make sure you're also clear about the consequences of whichever path you go down.

Good luck, hope whatever you choose brings you peace and good stuff.

[sosurreal09]

i thought it was a more general question....

i tend to freak out...i seem to run away when things get tough or uncomfortable for me.

hes my best friend and i love him but we are young (23) and our lives are not where i want them to be...i guess it's a real leap of faith to trust that he will go to college/get a better job. i mean our life is rough right now he makes $1400-$1600 a month we cant afford anything. he says he's going to change some things....but i told him that i cant just trust that he will change.

i also have alot of issues myself that i need to fix. a big thing for me is that i have been having really rough bouts of depression the last 6 months...

[mum4vr]

I have to agree with the PPs, and have one more thing to add:

marriage is designed to be forever. If you cannot look at yourself in the mirror and commit your life and DD's life to him FOREVER, then it bears investigation (I don't mean, you should not marry him or that you should break it off-- I mean just that-- you need to become self aware enough to know why you hesitate to commit for a life time).

I remember writing in my journal days before my wedding, "...what are we doing?" I had serious qualms w how my DC and his DC and I were being treated, and I went ahead w the wedding. Big mistake.

blessings for your family

[Unoppressed MAMA Q]

Hm. When it comes to marriage, I say 'when in doubt, don't'. Not sure if this feels helpful or not.

[lilmom]

If it causes you to panic, it is more than cold feet and you should postpone or call it off. Sorry if that sounds harsh. You shouldn't be having that much doubt.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09

..i guess it's a real leap of faith to trust that he will go to college/get a better job. i mean our life is rough right now he makes $1400-$1600 a month we cant afford anything. he says he's going to change some things....but i told him that i cant just trust that he will change.
.

my advice is to postpone the wedding to give him time to change the things you want changed.

don't expect that marriage will cause a change. If he has no real interest in getting an education and building a career, there's nothing about a wedding that will make that happen.

Many of the women I know who've gone through divorce end up going through it for reasons they already knew when they got married.

[StephandOwen]

Ask yourself this- what are the potential positives and negatives about postponing the wedding? What are the potential positives and negatives about not postponing the wedding?

Only you can answer these questions. But I can tell you that I agree with Unoppressed Mama Q- when in doubt, don't. You can always choose to get married down the road. Getting divorced is a lot harder.

[sosurreal09]

he told me i either marry him now or not at all.

everyone keeps telling me its whats best for DD....

[la mamita]

take it from me: it is never best for a child to see their parents married and then later divorced. i KNEW going into my marriage that my ex and i had problems, very similar concerns to the ones you state (motivation on his part...). you are 23!! that is young to be getting married, there is no rush. don't do it until you are sure of what you want. breaking off a relationship is one thing, but having to deal with court, and custody issues, and child support, are really not ideal for a child to have to witness.

[sweeetpea]

His ultimatum to marry him now or never just shows how immature and NOT ready for marriage he is. If he were to take your concerns seriously and tell you that he wants you both to do whatever it takes for however long it takes to get you comfortable with "forever", THAT would be supportive and caring.

If he is using fear tactics and ultimatums now, do you think that will change once you are married?

And I agree with the pp - it is NEVER good for a child to live with strife and discord between her parents, resulting in a bitter divorce.

You may be able to work out your challenges (I hope you can) - but start to do so BEFORE the wedding, not hope that you can afterwards.

Trust me - BTDT - and I am living in hell right now.

[Unoppressed MAMA Q]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09

he told me i either marry him now or not at all.

everyone keeps telling me its whats best for DD....

That is NOT indicative of a genuine suitor. He needs therapy/mega self-help if he's saying that to you.

And, press your "everyone" for specific, rational, calculable reasons why it's 'best' for your child. Hold them accountable, and expect clear examples from their own lives, how their own children were better served by being married even if they didn't really feel like it. Are the folks offering this advice happy people who you want to be like? Are they physically healthy? Or are they damaged and looking to sway your behaviors as so that they can keep their own mythologies(lies they use to survive) somewhat intact.

I have a lot of experience with (mostly women) folks trying to take emotional control over my life, and they have always, ALWAYS been trying to 'keep me in the cave'. The good, happy friends/family I have, the ones I want to emulate, don't say tired old crap about my marital status. They know that I and my children deserve a good life no matter the state of my relationship. Full stop.

What a man should be saying to you is 'I would be so honored if you would marry me, if and when it's a good time for us both. Obviously, I'll be here for our daughter regardless of our own romantic position.'

[dakotablue]

I think jitters are normal, but not "I don't think this is right"

When Dh and I got married neither of us questioned that this was the person to spend the rest of our lives with. We both however had a little I guess "stage fright" until we saw each other, then everything else faded away.

I'm not saying its this way for everyone, but that's the way I'd want it for my kids and friends.

Ultimatums don't even begin to make sense and set a bad tone for the rest of your marriage. What will it be next? Either we move or I won't be married to you? Its manipulative and immature.

Could things work out? Absolutely,

I would suggest getting some pre marriage consulting though. Actually I suggest that for any couple getting married. It helps to have someone else asking the hard questions.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by dakotablue

I would suggest getting some pre marriage consulting though. Actually I suggest that for any couple getting married. It helps to have someone else asking the hard questions.

This is really good advice. And if he refuses to go, then he is stating loud and clear that he is unwilling to work on the relationship.

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

This is really good advice. And if he refuses to go, then he is stating loud and clear that he is unwilling to work on the relationship.

Agreed.

I am getting married on the 23rd and can't be more happy. DP and I have been together for 4 years. I am getting the jitters!

If DP said to me what you have experienced, I personally would wait out any doubts.

Hugs to you

[sosurreal09]

ok so his reasoning is everything is already paid for and theres no turning back b/c then we lose all the money...(you really dont get refunds at least not full)

he said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he will do whatever it takes to make us happy ect ect

now i have only ever had a real relationship with him. i even lost my virginity to him. (but we broke up for a while pre-baby and i had a fling) so ive been with two men sexually total.

a part of me could totally see myself with him forever, and the other part of me wants to know if there's something more yk?

when we younger we were like MADLY in love for 5 years and then it dwindled a bit. i do love him and we still have sex ect ect but how do i know that im still in love with him after the whole "honeymoon" stage?

my father has literally been trying to force me to marry DP since i was 15...no lie he even had the paperwork or w/e all filled out and we were like ummm we are not getting married!

anyways i feel it should at least be postponed and i agree completely that the whole ultimatum thing is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay immature. hes kind of immature in general...he completely abandoned me emotionally and for the most part physically my entire pregnancy...and didnt really come back emotionally until DD was 6 m/o....i was LUCKY if he changed a diaper. he would hold her sometimes...but he never spent any real time with her...but now he's a lot better...not as wonderful as i feel she nees him to be but shes really loves her daddy and he spends a good amount of time really being with her now. but of course this still bothers me a great deal and he keeps saying he apoligized and i need to get over it already...
i still feel that whole period of time should not be overlooked...
and im pretty worried if i get pregnant again is he going to do this to me?

i left him when DD was about 5 m/o and we ended up in a shelter b/c i have nowhere to go...it was horrible and i ended up coming back b/c i felt i couldn't do that to DD...
after that things improved alot.

im on unemployment and i just got $15,000 from an annuity acct. so i could start over again on my own but still how can i work? i dont have enough money for daycare certainly it would eat my whole paycheck.
my bff said she would help me but i would literally have to work 16hrs fri and sat then 8 hrs sun to make it work....i COULD do it but how would DD handle 16 hours without me? plus i would have to sleep when i got home anyways...and shes still nursing 6-10x a day.
im terrified of leaving..hes all i kow we have built our lives together and around eachother. where would i turn without him? how could i manage?

i miss my mother so much i wish i could just talk to her she would know what to do and help me. sorry OT but im pretty depressed right now

[la mamita]

slooooooooooow down mama. first things first: you have a wedding lined up. either you need to postpone, call it off completely, or go through with it.

if you postpone or call it off, THEN think about whether or not to continue with the relationship.

and then you are permitted to freak out about life as a single mom. which, btdt, is wonderful and difficult and rewarding--and definitely worth it in comparison to being in a relationship that you don't want. the single parenting forum here is great and can help you work out the basics--how do i manage, how do i work, how do i get childcare, how do i handle this...
if you get to this step, you can and you will figure out how to make you and your child's life the best that it can be.

but, right now, you need to step back from all of that. from what you have written about your fiance, it seems like you have some issues to work out: his immaturity, him not putting in 100% raising your child, your dependence on your first love. these are some major concerns that couples therapy could definitely help you address.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

my advice is to postpone the wedding to give him time to change the things you want changed.

don't expect that marriage will cause a change. If he has no real interest in getting an education and building a career, there's nothing about a wedding that will make that happen.

Many of the women I know who've gone through divorce end up going through it for reasons they already knew when they got married.

i love the above, especially the bolded (i'm one of them!). if you aren't willing to marry him and be with him forever, exactly as he is right now, then don't get married.

Originally Posted by sosurreal09

he told me i either marry him now or not at all.

does not sound good.

Originally Posted by sosurreal09

ok so his reasoning is everything is already paid for and theres no turning back b/c then we lose all the money...(you really dont get refunds at least not full)

he said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he will do whatever it takes to make us happy ect ect

now i have only ever had a real relationship with him. i even lost my virginity to him. (but we broke up for a while pre-baby and i had a fling) so ive been with two men sexually total.

a part of me could totally see myself with him forever, and the other part of me wants to know if there's something more yk?

when we younger we were like MADLY in love for 5 years and then it dwindled a bit. i do love him and we still have sex ect ect but how do i know that im still in love with him after the whole "honeymoon" stage?

my father has literally been trying to force me to marry DP since i was 15...no lie he even had the paperwork or w/e all filled out and we were like ummm we are not getting married!

anyways i feel it should at least be postponed and i agree completely that the whole ultimatum thing is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay immature. hes kind of immature in general...he completely abandoned me emotionally and for the most part physically my entire pregnancy...and didnt really come back emotionally until DD was 6 m/o....i was LUCKY if he changed a diaper. he would hold her sometimes...but he never spent any real time with her...but now he's a lot better...not as wonderful as i feel she nees him to be but shes really loves her daddy and he spends a good amount of time really being with her now. but of course this still bothers me a great deal and he keeps saying he apoligized and i need to get over it already...
i still feel that whole period of time should not be overlooked...
and im pretty worried if i get pregnant again is he going to do this to me?

i left him when DD was about 5 m/o and we ended up in a shelter b/c i have nowhere to go...it was horrible and i ended up coming back b/c i felt i couldn't do that to DD...
after that things improved alot.

im on unemployment and i just got $15,000 from an annuity acct. so i could start over again on my own but still how can i work? i dont have enough money for daycare certainly it would eat my whole paycheck.
my bff said she would help me but i would literally have to work 16hrs fri and sat then 8 hrs sun to make it work....i COULD do it but how would DD handle 16 hours without me? plus i would have to sleep when i got home anyways...and shes still nursing 6-10x a day.
im terrified of leaving..hes all i kow we have built our lives together and around eachother. where would i turn without him? how could i manage?

i miss my mother so much i wish i could just talk to her she would know what to do and help me. sorry OT but im pretty depressed right now

you'll lose the deposits? you lose a lot more by going through with a marriage that isn't going to work. also, if you two can decide together that marriage isn't the right choice at this moment but you are going to continue your relationship, well heck, skip the wedding but have the party anyway.

he will do whatever it takes? no he won't. if he *will* then he would already be doing it.

i can understand wanting to know what else is out there, not just in terms of a romantic relationship, but there is something to be said for being completely on your own as an adult. not just spending your life as your father's daughter and then your husband's wife.

you are right to imagine that his behavior would be much the same in the future as it has been in the past. he may grow up a bit, but he will be the same person. are you willing to accept that?

as for how you would manage as a single mama . . . if you are working but low-income, you will qualify for assistance (as well as child support, which you may or may not actually receive). i strongly encourage you to pursue a degree or license in a trade, which is actually easier (financially) as a single mother than if you were married. you'll qualify for more student aid and likely be living as well as if you were working an entry-level job, and then after school, you'll be able to earn a better living.

it sounds like a difficult place to be right now, kind of at a crossroads in life, not just in your relationship.

[GuildJenn]

I'm forum crashing a bit but the title caught my eye and your post really grabbed at me, over the deposit bit.

Life involves a LOT of things that cause people to "lose deposits." A great trip where someone gets diagnosed with something; a family reunion that gets to be too much; a gut feeling that a move is wrong.

What (general, IMO) you want in a partner is someone who, when the emotional chips are truly down, will support you even if you lose deposits or suffer minor embarrassment. Someone who has your back.

It doesn't mean that person can't ask you to consider the financial consequences or think really hard first, or help you to see if you have a pattern of quitting or freaking out. But a true, long-lasting partner in the end is most concerned about you. (Or your kids.)

You asked about the romantic love and is there more out there and that kind of thing. I would ask - is he your best friend? If the BEST thing happened to you today, would you call him first? If the WORST thing happened to you today, would you call him first?

I never had cold feet about being married. I had some worries about the wedding itself but never, ever about marrying my DH. We've been married 16 years.