ok so his reasoning is everything is already paid for and theres no turning back b/c then we lose all the money...(you really dont get refunds at least not full)
he said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he will do whatever it takes to make us happy ect ect
now i have only ever had a real relationship with him. i even lost my virginity to him. (but we broke up for a while pre-baby and i had a fling) so ive been with two men sexually total.
a part of me could totally see myself with him forever, and the other part of me wants to know if there's something more yk?
when we younger we were like MADLY in love for 5 years and then it dwindled a bit. i do love him and we still have sex ect ect but how do i know that im still in love with him after the whole "honeymoon" stage?
my father has literally been trying to force me to marry DP since i was 15...no lie he even had the paperwork or w/e all filled out and we were like ummm we are not getting married!
anyways i feel it should at least be postponed and i agree completely that the whole ultimatum thing is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay immature. hes kind of immature in general...he completely abandoned me emotionally and for the most part physically my entire pregnancy...and didnt really come back emotionally until DD was 6 m/o....i was LUCKY if he changed a diaper. he would hold her sometimes...but he never spent any real time with her...but now he's a lot better...not as wonderful as i feel she nees him to be but shes really loves her daddy and he spends a good amount of time really being with her now. but of course this still bothers me a great deal and he keeps saying he apoligized and i need to get over it already...
i still feel that whole period of time should not be overlooked...
and im pretty worried if i get pregnant again is he going to do this to me?
i left him when DD was about 5 m/o and we ended up in a shelter b/c i have nowhere to go...it was horrible and i ended up coming back b/c i felt i couldn't do that to DD...
after that things improved alot.
im on unemployment and i just got $15,000 from an annuity acct. so i could start over again on my own but still how can i work? i dont have enough money for daycare certainly it would eat my whole paycheck.
my bff said she would help me but i would literally have to work 16hrs fri and sat then 8 hrs sun to make it work....i COULD do it but how would DD handle 16 hours without me? plus i would have to sleep when i got home anyways...and shes still nursing 6-10x a day.
im terrified of leaving..hes all i kow we have built our lives together and around eachother. where would i turn without him? how could i manage?
i miss my mother so much i wish i could just talk to her she would know what to do and help me. sorry OT but im pretty depressed right now
Your post, your depression, and the fact that so far from what I see in your posts that you're marrying him NOT because you think he's wonderful and awesome and you can list the many fantastic benefits to you and your child to being with him... BUT INSTEAD because he's the only partner you've known, you feel lost and unsure without him, and you don't know what you'd do if you had to be on your own... that leads me to say this:
If you think it's hard and expensive to break off the marriage now... you have no idea how hard... and how expensive (in not just money but emotional energy and physical energy) it will be to break it off AFTER THE FACT. Marriage can make it that much more complicated to get out if you need to. And with all your doubts, it doesn't matter how much money's already been put out, you should not be marrying him when marriage is supposed to be a commitment of what you WANT and believe is wonderful and best for your life.
p.s. I agree with the PP who said you need to ask all the "everyones" who are telling you it's best for your child, WHY and HOW it's best for your child.
I am in my 40s, have worked with families in a supportive position in one way or another for 20+ years, and I have NEVER EVER EVER seen a relationship where there were so many negatives and one or both parents were deeply unhappy, and yet staying together was best for the child. It just doesn't work that way. What's best for a child is to see a parent or both parents model improving what isn't working in life. And if that means splitting up, so be it. My parents split when I was 3, after having a doctor tell them I wasn't sleeping because of their arguing. I have thanked them a million times from when I was a teen on, because what I got out of it was 2 happier parents, who moved on with their lives and were better able to take care of me as a result.
And I model that for my daughter - my DP and I have almost broken up a few times because of serious issues, but it's when one or both of us makes real changes for the better that we say "Ok, maybe stayign together is better..." and so far that's what we've done. But I would leave if it got really bad and felt like I was sinking into a deep hole that I couldn't get out of. Because how good a parent can I be if I live liek that for the next 40 yrs? Matter of fact, we were engaged in 2008, but for all of 2009 and 2010 up until last week I'd broken it off and returned the ring because his state of mind wasn't committed. He just re-proposed last week, and I said yes, but that's after a lot of work. So I don't just preach this, I practice it too.
You have a tremendous amount of self-doubt and serious questions, plus your depression. Now is the time to postpone the wedding and figure out how you can feel better about your own abilities to care for your child and improve your life, not that your partner isn't also able to care for your child, but if you left and went into shelter before, chances are there are some major problems and I have no doubt you CAN take care of you and your child, but you doubt it which means you need time to build your tools, your supports, and your self-confidence.
You can only make a good decision about marriage to this guy when you have put yourself in a better emotional, confident place. Unless you get clear that you have to split from him to get to that place... then so be it if that's true.