How to handle this sibling squabble?

[ledzepplon]

One of my sons just turned two, and for his birthday he got an awesome present--a pedal-powered, ride-on, front loading John Deere play tractor. (Those of you with truck obsessed kids know what I mean when I say that this may be the coolest toy ever to grace our house.)

The problem is that our four-year-old son also thinks the new toy is the bees knees. And of course, the two year old doesn't want to share it--even when he's not using it.

I didn't foresee this being such a problem (stupidly) because the toys at our house usually become very communal and my kids generally take turns very willingly.

I don't want to force the toddler to share, because it's new, it was his first gift that he really understood was special for him, and since he's kid #3, he gets a lot of hand-me-downs and has to tag along for a lot of the bigger kids' activities and so forth.

I don't want to buy anything similar for big brother until Christmas or his January birthday because it's a major gift.

Is there anyway to please both kids here, or did I dig myself into a hole with this one?

[Please ignore the following text--I'm on my phone and I can't get it to delete right now!]



I don't way to buy something similar for the big brother in

[earthmama369]

We sometimes designate a certain new toy as "special" for a day or three, until the shininess has worn off a little. For that period, it belongs solely to that one kiddo and they're encouraged to play with it as much as they want (to facilitate the wearing off of the shininess). After that, they need to take turns, just like with any other toy.

[Learning_Mum]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

We sometimes designate a certain new toy as "special" for a day or three, until the shininess has worn off a little. For that period, it belongs solely to that one kiddo and they're encouraged to play with it as much as they want (to facilitate the wearing off of the shininess). After that, they need to take turns, just like with any other toy.

Though to be honest, I don't really think there is a problem with kids having their own 'special' things. Not every toy obviously but it's nice for them to say that 'this is mine' and have ownership of something.

I'm sure the 2yo will eventually start sharing it and until that time I guess just sympathise with your 4yo that it really does suck.

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

Though to be honest, I don't really think there is a problem with kids having their own 'special' things. Not every toy obviously but it's nice for them to say that 'this is mine' and have ownership of something.

I agree with this, and at the same time this general philosophy has brought problems into our household. Sometimes... ok, make that almost all the time... my dd (6) will freak out if her brother wants to play with anything that was given to her saying "but that's my special *whatever*!!!!!". Yes, sometimes it is her stuffed cat that she always sleeps with, or her brand new birthday present. But even more often it's some toy that's been ignored, unused and unloved for who knows how long and now she just doesn't want her brother to have the fun of playing with it, iykwim. So my question (sorry to hijack the thread!) is what makes a "special" thing actually special, and not just part of the communal toy pool. Do you say "ok dd, you can pick 10 toys that are yours and only yours and the rest are for sharing"? Or do I step in each and every time and make my own judgment call? I do talk a lot about how most of our toys are family toys for everyone to play with, and if you have something super special keep it up in your room, etc, but it doesn't stop dd from having major melt-downs over random toys/pens/books/whatevers that she will randomly and suddenly decide are precious to her.

[lilyka]

If he is not playing with it I would insist he share with his brother. Actually he is two, I would just tell brother he could use it for a while and help the baby deal with it.

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

I agree with this, and at the same time this general philosophy has brought problems into our household. Sometimes... ok, make that almost all the time... my dd (6) will freak out if her brother wants to play with anything that was given to her saying "but that's my special *whatever*!!!!!". Yes, sometimes it is her stuffed cat that she always sleeps with, or her brand new birthday present. But even more often it's some toy that's been ignored, unused and unloved for who knows how long and now she just doesn't want her brother to have the fun of playing with it, iykwim. So my question (sorry to hijack the thread!) is what makes a "special" thing actually special, and not just part of the communal toy pool. Do you say "ok dd, you can pick 10 toys that are yours and only yours and the rest are for sharing"? Or do I step in each and every time and make my own judgment call? I do talk a lot about how most of our toys are family toys for everyone to play with, and if you have something super special keep it up in your room, etc, but it doesn't stop dd from having major melt-downs over random toys/pens/books/whatevers that she will randomly and suddenly decide are precious to her.

With my dd I tell her that she can have anything as her special thing (no set limit either), but that it needs to stay in her room if she's not going to share. Any toy left out in a communal area (family room, living room, play room, back yard, etc) is fair game for anyone to use. So if some random toy is sitting in the playroom and she out of the blue decides that it's special, she's out of luck. I tell her that if it was really so special she would have kept it in her room where he couldn't get it. The only exception would be if it was something I thought he might break and then I would just give it to her and tell her to put it in her room.

As far as the OP, I don't think I would have given a gift like that to just one of my kids, unless we already had several similar items that belonged to the older kids. I would have saved it for a joint gift for christmas so that it was implied from the get go that it was a sharing toy. If after a week or two the two year old still isn't willing to share I would find a way to get another one before christmas or talk to my two year old about why it needs to be shared. I think 3 months is too long for a 4 year old to have to watch his younger brother play with a toy like that and never get to play too.

[greenemami]

Was this gift from you? i agree with pp that usually we will save stuff like that to be given to all the kids, not just one for exactly the reason you are posting

Usually we put all the "big" toys into the common play area to be shared, no matter who they were given too. I like the idea of maybe giving the 2-year-old a few days to be "in charge" of the toy, i.e. he has to be asked permission first, but ultimately I think a toy like htat needs to be shared-and no way would I buy two just because they don't want to share. We have never had to set a time limit, it has always kind of worn off and the toy became everyone's. Dsd is almost 6 years older than dd though, so I will letyou know how it goes with dd and ds (3years apart)

the kids are allowed to pick special toys that can't be played with without permission as well, like a pp, b/c we had the same problem with dsd declaring everything special and off limits (she was about 6 when dd started crawling around and getting inot everything ). This has gotten SO much better the older they get, so time will help too. We also do the rule that if it is out in the play area, it is fair game since it was not special enough to put away.

[Lisa1970]

We are going through this now too and I think it is an excellent chance for the 4 yr old to learn to wait for Christmas. Also to learn boundaries. Just make sure when the 4 yr old's birthday does come around that he will get something equal and you can remind him then how he felt when 2 yr old got something and did not share.

You can encourage 2 yr old to share, but I would not force it. He should be able to have pride in something of his own. Plus, I have learned from pasty experience, you get bigger kids in the small children's toys and you have potential breakage or damages. You may think it won't happen, but it often does eventually.

[Lisa1970]

I want to add that there will always or at least eventually, be things that someone has and the other does not. They need to learn to respect others and their things. Some day, one of the kids will save their own money and buy something, and the others should not feel entitled to other people's things, "just because." It is much better to learn that now, because it can be a much more painful lesson when learned later. I have seen families where they try to make everything communal and there always comes a day where it does not work anymore and all heck breaks loose. It might be when oldest child has books from school, it might be when youngest child has a birthday party to go to that older does not. It could be anything, but there will come a time when they have to deal with not having something that a sibling has. Maybe oldest child will go to work someday and save money for their own TV. You cannot just go out and buy same for all the other kids so that they all feel equal. I am just trying to say that it all comes to head some day and it is an easier thing to learn now rather than later.

It is the 2 yr olds birthday present. I would let it be his own thing.

[Lisa1970]

Oh, I want to add in a little story. There is this one family I know of where the children are grown. There is an older sister and a younger. The older one always worked for everything, even jobs in high school and college and so on. Younger child just had everything given to her. So when older child purchased a TV, the parents went and bought a TV for younger child. When older child got married and paid for her own wedding, younger child turned around and got married to a guy she barely knew quickly after. It came off like she was jealous of older sister. That marriage was a disaster. When older sister purchased her first house, younger sister felt entitled. The parents actually tried to convince older sister to give money toward a downpayment for younger sister to get a house too. I don't think the older sister did. Everything older sister got, younger sister felt entitled to.

The parents are in their 60's now and apparently, are really struggling to retire because they have spent so much money trying to make sure younger sister always had every single thing older sister had so that she did not have to feel jealous. They would have been much better off if they taught younger sister to deal with being able to see older sister, or anyone else with anything she did not have. I guess her teen years were a bit difficult because she had to have everything she saw everyone at school with. Younger sister is raising two children alone basically now, except the parents are helping her, as in they pay for a lot and have those children at their house all the time. I know younger sister struggles often because she never wants one of her children to have anything the other does not have. I know she got a cell phone (paid for by the grandparents..parents in this story) for the older one at 10 yrs old, and felt she had to buy the 6 yr old one then too, so she would not "feel bad." That sort of thing goes on.

I actually have a hard time feeling sorry for the parents about having a hard time retiring because they chose this. I am not saying this is where what is going on in your home is going to go. But I told you all this because my aunt told me when my older children were toddlers "if you can't control them now, how do you expect to have any control when they are teenagers?" I can honestly say that that was one of the best peices of parenting advice I have ever gotten. Set the standards from the beginning that you expect for later. It is much harder to change the rules and expectations when they get older.

I sure rambled! I hope I helped some though! Good luck!

[sunnmama]

In our house, we have "special" toys, but they are always lovey/comfort-type toys. Everything else is shared.

I can't imagine bringing a toy like that into the home (arguably the "coolest toy ever" in your home), and enforcing that it is for just one of the children in the age range to enjoy it. I can see saying that it is "just for the birthday boy!" on his birthday, but after that--yeah, your brother can take a turn. Absolutely.

It seems like a big deal now, but in the long run, it will not be a big deal if you insist that the 2 yo give his brother a turn. He'll get over it in minutes, or at most a day or two. Insisting that it is "special" will make it a bigger deal, and the issue could go on for weeks or months (until the 4 yo gets his own "special" toy....and then they issue may continue when HE doesn't want to share it with the 2 yo). And, if you insist both may use it, you may not have to buy a like toy for the brother.

I don't see any comparison to little boys wanting a turn on an age appropriate tractor toy and teens demanding whatever their sister bought herself. Completely different ages and developmental expectations.

[AbbieB]

I would gently encourage the 2 year old to share and gently encourage the 4 year old to be patient and wait until his brother is ready to share.

In our house (and everyone else's I'm sure ) my kids love each other and don't like to see the other sad and upset most of the time. They also want to play together most of the time. I have found loving and supporting each of them through times like the OP described has always worked out eventually. Each child ends up happy and learns something about how to cope with these type situations for the future.

I also agree with others that have said it's OK to set rules about the birthday boy getting to declare a special birthday toy as off limits to everyone else for a short period of time. I would let the kids know that the toy is a new/special toy that was given to 2 year old and he gets to make the rules about it today/this week. Then privately I would talk to the 2 year old and get him ready for the time to share and privately talk to the 4 year old and let him know that mommy is working on helping the 2 year old to be willing to share but in the mean time he needs to respect the 2 year old's boundaries.

[becoming]

Can they both ride it together safely? Like, one behind the other? if so, maybe little brother could drive since it's his & big brother could sit behind him? My two littlest ones each have a battery-powered four-wheeler, and this is what we do if one of the batteries is dead.

[ChetMC]

Our Two Year Old

We run a pretty communist household. Like others, our kids have a few special toys that they recognize as belonging to just one person (like the toys they sleep with), but most items are for everybody.

Our rule is that when kids play together it has to be fun for everybody. Our girls were able to understand and adopt this concept pretty early. Our older DS is 2.5 and still working on it. I remind our girls (age 5 and 6) that :

- we must continue to demonstrate the right thing for DS so he eventually learns.
- that DS is little and sometimes the best thing to do is just let him go first and wait for him to be done.

I agree with AbbieB. I would encourage the older children to be patient, and I would encourage the two year old to share. Our 2.5 year old does not like to play alone and would eventually share something like that once the novelty of it wore off a bit. Our girls would really want to use it, but could handle letting DS take some time to warm up to the idea of sharing it.

[HappyMommy2]

I just wanted to throw in my two cents about "special toys". We have neighbors with kids the same age as ours, and they practice this. It is horrendous, and I have limited contact with them and even begun looking at different houses in town.

Each time my kid touches ANY one of their toys, they totally melt down and scream, and the mom takes it from my kid and brings it upstairs because it is "special". It is every toy, every time. Maybe not at first, but within the first 5 minutes of my kids playing with anything in their living room.

They have also figured out how to manipulate the situation: if they fuss enough over something another kid has, it goes away. So the mom thing of saying "if you fight over it, everybody loses" translates to "act like a brat, and your friend loses his toy".

In our house, there are no special toys, except for the special "blankie" my son has had since he was a baby. That isn't out for general consumption though, it stays in bed.

I really like the idea above of letting a toy stay sacred for the birthday, then becoming communal.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

We sometimes designate a certain new toy as "special" for a day or three, until the shininess has worn off a little. For that period, it belongs solely to that one kiddo and they're encouraged to play with it as much as they want (to facilitate the wearing off of the shininess). After that, they need to take turns, just like with any other toy.

[ledzepplon]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. It's so helpful to hear all the different approaches that work for other families!

So, we ended up asking the big brother to defer to the birthday boy for the first couple days. We also encouraged them to play with the toy together, for example, they're both farming and big bro has the hoe in the sandbox while little brother rides the tractor. After just a couple days, the newness did wear off and my two year old decided to ease up and share. In fact, he has decided that the best fun is when they use it together--one fills the scoop on the front while the other steers and dumps the load.

Again, thank you for your insights. Crisis averted!