Anxiety...does this count?

[JTA Mom]

This last birth was pretty traumatic for me. Not only was it a 'failed' VBAC, but I also had a horrible experience with an epidural. Basically, it became a high spinal, I felt completely weak during it, my bp dropped to 80/20, I felt shaky and about to pass out, etc. I begged the anesthesiologist to stop the medicine as soon as it came into me, that's how fast I was feeling so bad. It literally felt like I was dying. An inward and downward feeling. He didn't listen to me, nor did the nurse. Dh was out of the room for 30 min. The anesthesiologist basically said I just needed to 'get used to the medicine' and just left me there. I felt like I was dying and no one was listening.

This was on top of having had a bad spinal with my previous son. It went too high as well, and I felt like I was suffocating to death. I told that anesthesiologist the same thing, and she said my vitals were okay. I started freaking out and crying and then she put me under general.

So two cases of feeling like I was dying.

Since this past birth 23 days ago, I have felt anxious all the time. I talked to a trauma therapist (a get to know you meeting) on Tuesday, and I felt okay leaving there. Then I went to an ICAN meeting, and everyone was sharing their stories. Leaving there, I got incredibly anxious.

It peaked yesterday. I felt nauseated, very weak, had a horrible headache, and was so panicked I had trouble breathing. In the midst of that, I figured out that I am afraid to die.

I am terrified of dying. I am terrified of dying while alone with my toddler and newborn. I'm terrified of having some serious medical issue come up suddenly that can lead to death unless help is gotten right away--and no one being there to help me.

Is there anything I can do/take to make me feel a bit better? I don't like this feeling. I want to run away from it so badly. Do I need medicine? Be committed to a psych ward?

Ami

[Sfcmama]

Oh mama, big hugs to you. Congrats for seeking help. Only an evaluation by a psychiatrist can determine if meds would be appropriate. In the meantime, you might consider finding a therapist trained in trauma-focused cbt (cognitive behavioral therapy). It is the standard treatment for the symptoms you describe and has been proven to be very effective without use of meds. Also, could you maybe ask for some extra help to catch up on sleep? Often, exhaustion can exacerbate symptoms.
Hth! Best healing wishes to you!!

[Lauren82]

Oh mama! I have dealt with this most of my life. I have been voluntarily inpatient at a mental health facility for it. Twice. I've also been to the ER so many times that we joke I have my own suite there.

All of the things you are describing are very common anxiety symptoms and you are not alone with this!
Anxiety and panic disorder is very common. It can also be very devastating if not treated. The best advice I can give is for you to find a psychologist that specializes in anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great way to combat it. There ARE medications that can help but that's something you'd need to discuss with a psychiatrist, especially if you are nursing.

There is a book that helped me put a lot of things in perspective and it's called Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes. It's a really old book that can be found online for a couple dollars.

If things get too bad, go get help. I waited until I had not slept for 3 nights straight, I was hallucinating, suicidal and my blood pressure was through the roof before I finally told DH I needed to go to the hospital. I had looked online and found a hospital in a neighboring county that had an inpatient short term mental health floor. I went to the ER and told them what was going on and they got me in. It took time but I was able to find medication that helped me and very good psychologist and psychiatrist. I still have episodes of anxiety from time to time but many people are able to nip it in the bud for good.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk. I hate seeing others go through this because I know how scary and overwhelming it can be.

[mediumcrunch]

Originally Posted by JTA Mom

T
I am terrified of dying. I am terrified of dying while alone with my toddler and newborn. I'm terrified of having some serious medical issue come up suddenly that can lead to death unless help is gotten right away--and no one being there to help me.

Is there anything I can do/take to make me feel a bit better? I don't like this feeling. I want to run away from it so badly. Do I need medicine? Be committed to a psych ward?

Ami

Yes, anxiety counts. (((HUGS))) PP anxiety is quite common and only recently has it become addressed in addition to postpartum depression.
Anxiety specifically related to your health is called hypochondriasis. I was debilitated with it after my 6th child. Like, rocking in the corner crying for hours, debilitated.
Rescue Remedy took the edge off, prayer (which may or may not something you find consoloation in), therapy, meds and some REALLY understanding doctors who were willing to deal with my obsession.
Health-related anxiety is a type of OCD in most cases.

You are NOT crazy, you are NOT alone and there is help. I'd start with talking to a therapist or psychiatrist that has experience with PPD/A. You may want to ask around for referrals. Not all mental health professionals are experienced with PP women. You don't just want someone to write you a prescription although that may be part of what you need and that is OK, you can nurse on most meds and they can be a big help.

[lunarlady]

You may also be suffering from PTSD. Any event that makes you feel helpless and/or near death can trigger it, and then exposure to things that invoke those memories (like your ICAN meeting), can cause relapse or the feeling of reliving the experience. It sounds like you are getting some therapy, which is GREAT, just make sure you communicate your fears and symptoms to your doc.

In the meantime, try to do things to help your fears. In your case, maybe keeping a cell phone with you, and teaching your toddler how to call for help, might make you feel better.

Having suffered from an anxiety disorder in the past, I can say that medications help, as does talk therapy. You will make it through this in time. Be easy on yourself in the meantime, and accept all the help you can get.

[Bjen614]

JTA Mom, I could have written your post myself. The SAME thing happened to me during my first delivery w/ DD.  I labored all day and ended up with c-section.  The spinal went up instead of down and I could not breath.  I kept trying to tell them that something was wrong but the nurses/anesthesiologist would either ignore me or tell me I was fine.  I flipped out and they put me under. DH and I both missed out on the birth of our daughter.

Strangely, after that, I didn't have any problems with PPD or anxiety until I got pregnant 3 1/2 years later with DS.  I was SCARED to death about my upcoming attempt to VBAC.  I was scared to death that if I ended up with another c-section that I wouldn't be able to breath. I felt backed into a corner and was miserable. My anxiety was so bad that I had a couple of panics attacks at 22 wks when I had a terrible ear infection.  When my ears filled with fluid I felt smothered.  Sounds so strange and irrational but it was very uncomfortable.  42 weeks was quickly approaching and I had another panic attack that landed me in the hospital b/c of my BP. It was AWFUL.  I was so uptight that my body couldn't relax enough to go into labor on it's own. I was finally induced at 41w10d.  I ended up with another c-section.  The OB would NOT let my doula into the surgery but did let my midwife assist and DH come along. I was a sobbing mess! I kept crawling up the anesthesiologist's arm begging him to help me to be able to breath through the surgery.  He thought I was nuts!  He slipped something into my iv to help me relax.   The surgery went great! 

On the morning of going home, I woke up in the hospital bed and felt like my bracelets were smothering me.  I called the nurse in and BEGGED her to cut them off. I thought I was dying.  Later that night, when I was finally home, I went to bed and fell asleep fairly quickly.  As soon as I was asleep, I jumped up out of bed as fast I could (as if I had not had surgery at all! Didn't even feel the pain!) and felt like the walls were closing in on me, my heart was racing, I felt like I couldn't breath and I was REALLY afraid...of what I have no clue!  After that, every time I'd doze off, I'd wake up and do it all over again.  It as AWFUL.  I thought I was dying.  Nursing wasn't going so well either, so I was really miserable.  I called my doula the next day and she told me have DH run to the nearest health food store and get some fish oil that was from cold water fish.  I think it did help. A week later the panic attacks did subside but I felt like I was on the verge of them quite often...but only at bedtime for some reason.   Almost 9 months later I landed myself in my doctor's office for PPD/anxiety.  There were several things going on in my life and I was just having a hard time coping.  Why I waited so long I have no clue!  She put me on Zoloft.  I did have ONE episode of a full fledge panic attack a couple of months later though. 

Sometimes I still feel like I'm on the verge of having another attack.  Again, it's usually at night while I'm lying in bed.  I also have an irrational fear of getting sick and dying.  I think about it ALL THE TIME.  If I'm alone with the children at night I'm scared that something will happening to me.  It panics me to think that they would find me and be scared.  I wish there was a pill to make it go away.  Maybe there is? lol  Sadly, I can not afford a counselor.  I know it would probably do wonders. 

One more thing and I'll shut up!:)  I have seen a special remedy spray that you can spray when you are feeling panicy and it's supposed to help calm you down.  http://www.rescueremedy.com/  I know it's not going to solve our problems but it might be helpful when in the moment. I really want to buy it and try it out.