On "Coming Out" as single

[Red Willow]

About a year and a half ago and maybe even before that, stbx and I started living as roommates with him in his own room and me either sleeping with the kids or on the couch. This was kinda a thing we discussed and kinda a thing that just naturally happened as two people drifted apart and no longer wanted to spend time together.

So, while unofficially separated, we still operated as a couple a lot of the time. He is moving out this week and it's time to, I guess, tell the world the truth. But I'm not really sure how to go about this and what to expect.

On the one hand, I don't want to say anything until I have papers signed (at least a lease on his part) because we have "broken up" in the past, only to give it "one last chance." I feel like this is crying wolf to my friends and family and makes me feel bad.

On the other hand, I can't really lie to my friends and family either. I had to bail out on a coffee date with my friend today because I was not in a mood to go and felt like I needed to tell her why.

Also, my mom is going to freak out (like she always does when I tell her I plan to separate). Clearly, we've gone over this many a time, but it's always "oh, it's so sad!!!! It's going to be so HARD for you!!!!" I just wish she could try to be strong for me and say that it will be okay and she will support me emotionally, but that's another thread. Anyway, I don't want to say anything yet to her because I can't stand her negativity.

I'm worried about the truth coming out to my married friends because I understand one loses many married friends during divorce. I have opened up to a couple married friends about some of my marital problems and I always feel bad after. I feel like I am talking behind my husband's back and that this is information they really don't need to know about or deal with... which is isolating and leads to back to MDC.

I'm not all that worried about the kids at this point. Their dad works on the road almost all the time and I don't think it will be a very big shock when he establishes his own residence. But, that's also something I have to think about.

Ugh, this is all very much right now.

How have you guys dealt with putting a public face to your separation? Did you lose your friends? Were your married acquaintances worried about you giving off "divorce cooties" because that's what I fear.

[Learning_Mum]

Well, very different situation here. I was blindsided. Completely freaked out. Called my sister and friend. My sister got my SIL to pick me up (kids weren't here and I was a mess) then my family pretty much passed it round the grapevine. I pretty much told my friends as I spoke to them. One friend kind of disappeared a bit. She said she didn't want to call and 'get in my way' so to speak and that was kind of hurtful because I really needed lots of people to call and visit at that time.

[josybear]

it was humiliating for me. neither of us had friends or family members who had been through this kind of split, and until we announced it, most people didn't even know anything was wrong. people were condemning, judging, gossiping... and also supporting, helping, and loving. fear of peoples' reactions kept us together for longer than we had to be, and in some cases the reactions were worse than i'd expected, but some people were surprisingly supportinve, too.
i can't say it gets better, since i still deal with constant disapproval and refusal to understand from a lot of people, but i've emotionally detached from them and feel like a stronger, happier person. i just can't pretend that it was easy.

[doubledutch]

i didn't make a big announcement. immediate family and a couple of very best friends knew ahead of time. extended family and other friends, i just told them when i saw them (after we split up). some extended family and some friends don't know. like, every time i run into someone new, they ask, "where's stbx?" or "what's stbx doing?" it's weird that news travels so slowly. i changed my relationship status on facebook like a month ago, and just last night, a gf was like, "well you could have changed your facebook status!" and i was like, "dude, i did!"

so, meh. i guess based on my experience, you could spend months informing each person, one at a time, as it comes up, or you could make a mass announcement, whichever seems less emotionally draining. i actually kind of like talking about it several times a week because it's helping me process. however, a friend of mine sent a letter to, like, everyone on her christmas card list. i thought that was cool too, to get a real letter, no explanation owed but almost more like the basics that you would tell a child:

after much prayer and tears, we've decided to separate. he's staying in our home, i'm living in this apartment. we hope you will each feel comfortable talking with either one of us about this, and we appreciate your love and support through the years.

something like that. it was a bit longer. it was mature and respectful, but heart-felt as well. it was kind of nice to receive.

[singin'intherain]

I did feel the "divorce cootie" vibe from a lot of my acquaintances. But the people who know me, know that my divorce has nothing to do with their marriages. Truthfully, we didn't socialize that much as a couple- I had my friends who were married homeschooling moms, and he had his friends, who were unattached partiers. So the side-taking was expected, and I didn't care what his friends thought. If they had been my friends, it would have mattered more.

People that see you often enough to notice the change, deserve to know right away- and know that it's for real this time. Everyone else can hear about it through the grapevine or on your timetable- if that means waiting until things are sorted out financially and legally, you have every right.

[SummerLove]

I think if your friends are really good friends than they will be there to offer you support and love. I'm sure some friends will have to go in the process, but hopefully you'll meet some new and wonderful people.