how do you deal with feeling isolated?

[scoobymummy]

I moved to a new town about two years ago. I immediately connected with local homeschoolers, enrolled my kids in activities around town. My husband joined a local service club. I've made a huge effort to try to connect with the (very small) group of homeschoolers in our area, and tried hard to be freindly with parents in town - invited their kids for playdates, etc. Nothing is working. The homeschoolers are like hermits. They don't seem to want to do anything. They make plans and then just don't bother to show up or just can't be bothered to try anything new. They alwasy say they want to do things, and complain about how little there is to do for their kids, but when it comes down to actually getting out of the house and participating, it just doesn't happen.

I'm feeling incredibly isolated. My kids are lonely. For those of you who live in small towns, how do you deal with feeling isolated? How do you find community where there doesn't seem to be one?

[MaWhit]

How frustrating! Could your kids take some extra-curriculars at the school? Our small town school is very welcoming to homeschoolers, and very hands-off. Are they in any scouting programs? Girls Scouts, Campfire Kids, or what about 4-H? Are you part of a church community, where they could join a youth group?

[scoobymummy]

It is frustrating. We aren't church goers. My dd did brownies last year, but it was discontinued this year and scouts was not an option for my ds (sensory issues in a very noisy, boisterous group of boys). They do local things(gymnastics, dance, karate), but it never seem to develop into lasting friendships (ie I took them swimming every day this summer to the local pool. Ds developed a friendship, but when summer was up and we invited the boy for a playdate, our call wasn't returned - just something about us not being in school, I guess we're considered 'wierd' or something -- and I honestly don't have green hairy teeth or anything -- I'm a pretty conservative, friendly looking person). It's an ontario small town thing. One hs family that we are friendly with did school here previously. It doesn't sound like there's much there for us to get involved in.

[MamaMonica]

. We live by a small town and end up driving a lot because there isn't a lot we actually do in town except sports. Most of the activities require going somewhere else. Have you tried rec sports?

[DharmaDisciple]

Had to send a hug, I know exactly how you are feeling.

I have that in my village, I am seen as the weird one who homeschools. My kids no longer play with children in the village, though they know children to say hi to. They go to afterschool hobbies and get on with the kids but it hasn't given them any friends, I always thought it would.

I don't see the local homeschoolers because one who runs it doesn't like dads being involved, so I can't be bothered.

So we have each other for company, I am my kids best friend and I make their lives fun and happy and we have a lovely time. Then about once a week (though not every week) we go out 45 mins away to the nearest city and meet up with some lovely homeschoolers and that feeds my soul.

Hugs xxxx

[scoobymummy]

How wierd is that?!

They don't like DADS to be involved??? That's just really wierd. Yeah, you sound like you're in the same situation - everyone is vaguely friendly, but not interested in establishing friendships. I sometimes feel like I'm in highschool trying to get a date, only now it's for my kids. My dh travels a lot for work, and that makes the isolation that much worse. We're in a position where we have to put our house on the market (noisy drunken student neighbours - ugh), and it's making me question whether I want to stay here with the few friends we have or move closer to the nearest city. I'm going to start by attending weekly activities in the city, feel it out, see if it's feasable to travel that often, and then make my decision. I have until spring to make these choices. It's just dissappointing - I love this town, I meet a lot of over 50's who are incredibly welcoming and friendly - we don't fit into their social circle because we have young kids. The parents of school-aged children are suspicious and unwelcoming. Even some of the homeschoolers are like that - not interested in forming a community. I just don't get it.

[lmonter]

Yes, exactly! Like finding a date for your kids. Sigh. I have different, screwy dynamics in my town that I'm trying to overcome. Still sucks though.

[Island Mommy]

Wow, I feel so bad for you. We live on an island of 5,000 people and actually have the opposite problem Too many friends, too many playdates, no time for schoolwork! It's odd that it can be so different depending on where you're located.
I didn't know anyone when we moved here 10 years ago, but once I had DD I connected with other people who were just starting their families. Our kids have all played together since they were little and we are still very close with the families whose children attend school and the ones who homeschool. Interestingly, although we have a homeschool group on the island, we only really socialize with 2 other homeschooling families and they're ones that we've known for years. Perhaps the difficulty comes with trying to join in with already well developed groups. I know that, unfortunately, we wouldn't really have time to set up more playdates if a new family arrived. DD already has 2 full day playdates each week plus a full day in town for art and music. She also goes to Brownies, gymnastics, ceramics and a 1/2 day quasi-school day with her 2 other homeschooled friends. Plus there are quite a few kids on our street so as soon as school's out the kids are running around the neighborhood playing.
I'm afraid I'm not being very helpful but I do understand. I moved to England in my late 20s and it took forever to make friends. I was only just starting to feel like I had a social circle when I left after almost 2 years. Moving really sucks.

[ebethmom]

We have a similar small town situation. There are two homeschool groups in the larger town 30 minutes away. We've tried them both, and neither are a great fit. The more organized group felt closed and cliquish. The other group had most of its activities on the far side of town. I just wasn't up for the 45 minute drive.

I work outside the home, so our social time is limited. We have been very lucky to find one family in our small town whose kids are close in age to mine. My kids are over there playing right now, and my dh is hanging out watching football. They are thinking about homeschooling next schoolyear. I hope that it works out for them! It would be great to get together for some coop learning.

Don't give up! This is our fourth year in this town. We've known our friends for about 1 1/2 years, and we've just started doing more things together.