I am really in a state of confusion. The good news, is that if everything goes well, I still have a long time to think about the birth. I'm due March 15th, but my previous births were at 36 weeks and 33 weeks (only after a lot of complications in the second case.) I am under the care of an OB and a perinatologist, and I'm doing weekly progesterone shots and have an ultrasound on Tuesday for anatomy but also to check my cervix.
With my first birth, I was completely taken aback to go into labor at 36 weeks. My parents were out of the country (my dad is a doc and my mom a CNM) and my sister was out of town as well, so my dh and a good friend and I headed into the hospital after my water broke. Essentially the birth was totally normal and uncomplicated, except that I was quite nervous because I wasn't expecting to be giving birth for 5 more weeks or so and felt unprepared. I was also worried that my daughter would be affected by her early birth.
I ended up with back pain, nausea, and uncontrollable shaking all before I even hit 4 cm. I asked for an epidural and birthed her just 4 hours later, sunny side up. My tailbone hurt for months after the birth, leading me to think I broke or bruised it a little and that I was experiencing the beginnings of back labor.
My second time around, I planned to do everything right and invested in Hypnobabies. I did a lot of the program, found it useful and relaxing for the aches and pains of pregnancy, but did not use it in labor. The reason is that at 32 1/2 weeks I got a stomach virus, and the vomiting and dehydration led to contractions 3 min apart. I went in to the hospital and spent 4 days there, getting IV fluids and terbutaline, and the combo gave me the lovely side effect of pulmonary edema. They could not stop, only slow, my contractions. After several days of vomiting, contractions 8 min apart that I couldn't sleep through, and finally requiring oxygen and a diuretic to deal with my lungs, I was so mentally and physically exhausted that when my water broke I opted more or less immediately for pain medication (another epidural). The birth itself was fine, she was born just a few hours later with good apgars and was okay after some feeding and growing time in the NICU.
So this time around I am completely torn. Part of me wants to try for a natural birth, but a huge part of me feels that I've wanted one twice and failed to do it both times, and I don't want to feel horrible guilt if I fail this time. Part of me looks at my beautiful girls and sees that they certainly don't appear to have been harmed in any way by my epidurals.
Another part of me feels like this is my last chance to get the birth experience I really wanted from the beginning. But I really don't know how best to get it. I liked Hypnobabies, but I wonder if it will work for me. I don't think I can afford a doula, and I wonder how a doula would feel about working with me as a high risk patient with definitely the possibility of another early birth. Bradley doesn't appeal to me much, and to be honest, as fabulous as my husband is, I don't see him cut out to be a labor coach. When I was in pain with my first, he was white-faced and tense with fear for me. I find Ina May to be off-putting.
I have a close friend that I was thinking of relying on for labor support. I kind of have been torn between having her possibly do some Hypnobabies with me or maybe even Bradley or just going in to labor knowing it could hurt like a %$#&@ and trying to tough it out.
How do people make these huge choices? I'm in this position of wanting a healing birth on the one hand, and on the other fearing that if I put too much weight on it and don't get that birth, or even worse decide to have pain meds even though things are fine and normal, that I will feel like a total failure and be wracked with guilt. It almost seems better in some ways to just decide to go ahead and get the epidural and then at least I don't feel like I screwed up, but made a conscious choice.
Sorry for the tldr.
With my first birth, I was completely taken aback to go into labor at 36 weeks. My parents were out of the country (my dad is a doc and my mom a CNM) and my sister was out of town as well, so my dh and a good friend and I headed into the hospital after my water broke. Essentially the birth was totally normal and uncomplicated, except that I was quite nervous because I wasn't expecting to be giving birth for 5 more weeks or so and felt unprepared. I was also worried that my daughter would be affected by her early birth.
I ended up with back pain, nausea, and uncontrollable shaking all before I even hit 4 cm. I asked for an epidural and birthed her just 4 hours later, sunny side up. My tailbone hurt for months after the birth, leading me to think I broke or bruised it a little and that I was experiencing the beginnings of back labor.
My second time around, I planned to do everything right and invested in Hypnobabies. I did a lot of the program, found it useful and relaxing for the aches and pains of pregnancy, but did not use it in labor. The reason is that at 32 1/2 weeks I got a stomach virus, and the vomiting and dehydration led to contractions 3 min apart. I went in to the hospital and spent 4 days there, getting IV fluids and terbutaline, and the combo gave me the lovely side effect of pulmonary edema. They could not stop, only slow, my contractions. After several days of vomiting, contractions 8 min apart that I couldn't sleep through, and finally requiring oxygen and a diuretic to deal with my lungs, I was so mentally and physically exhausted that when my water broke I opted more or less immediately for pain medication (another epidural). The birth itself was fine, she was born just a few hours later with good apgars and was okay after some feeding and growing time in the NICU.
So this time around I am completely torn. Part of me wants to try for a natural birth, but a huge part of me feels that I've wanted one twice and failed to do it both times, and I don't want to feel horrible guilt if I fail this time. Part of me looks at my beautiful girls and sees that they certainly don't appear to have been harmed in any way by my epidurals.
Another part of me feels like this is my last chance to get the birth experience I really wanted from the beginning. But I really don't know how best to get it. I liked Hypnobabies, but I wonder if it will work for me. I don't think I can afford a doula, and I wonder how a doula would feel about working with me as a high risk patient with definitely the possibility of another early birth. Bradley doesn't appeal to me much, and to be honest, as fabulous as my husband is, I don't see him cut out to be a labor coach. When I was in pain with my first, he was white-faced and tense with fear for me. I find Ina May to be off-putting.
I have a close friend that I was thinking of relying on for labor support. I kind of have been torn between having her possibly do some Hypnobabies with me or maybe even Bradley or just going in to labor knowing it could hurt like a %$#&@ and trying to tough it out.
How do people make these huge choices? I'm in this position of wanting a healing birth on the one hand, and on the other fearing that if I put too much weight on it and don't get that birth, or even worse decide to have pain meds even though things are fine and normal, that I will feel like a total failure and be wracked with guilt. It almost seems better in some ways to just decide to go ahead and get the epidural and then at least I don't feel like I screwed up, but made a conscious choice.
Sorry for the tldr.
