I would rather eat glass than ask for help

[carfreemama]

This is what I came to realize this morning.

I work as a medical transcriptionist. We are going through lots of relatively minor technological changes. I SUCK at this in general, but the real problem is the above.

I have done everything in my power to simply avoid having to deal with any of the new work processes, because then everybody will know I'm "stupid" when I can't figure them out.

This morning, I sat sobbing for over an hour to my dh that I "can't learn." He says I simply refuse to ask for help and that "I'm no smarter or dumber than anyone else."

I didn't realize until this minute how very disabling this fear really is. How I have refused to take risks, go outside my comfort zone in any way because of it.

I skipped 3 grades in school and still felt and feel very slow. My brain seizes over the simplest things and I CANNOT pick up the phone to call for help.

All it took was one very understanding call to the head transcriptionist for me to work through this problem. But it has caused me months of embarrassment and lost productivity.

Is anyone else like this? How did you overcome it?

[savannah smiles]

I have this problem, too, esp. as it relates to work. I'm a SAHM now, but when I've worked jobs in the past I didn't like to ask for help for two reasons:
1. I didn't want to seem stupid
2. I didn't want to bother anyone

I grew up in a household where intelligence was more important than most anything *and* my mom, who suffered from depression, just liked to nap or read books and would get angry if you interacted with her. So I can see where my problem comes from, lol!

As for getting over it, maybe it's just from growing older but I don't care so much if anyone thinks I'm dumb. Although I still hate to bother people, I'm more willing to do it because I value my needs more and I figure I have loads of people bothering me so it's only fair.

[2xy]

I'm not afraid to ask for help, so I probably don't "get" what you're going through. I am *reluctant* to ask for help sometimes because I don't want to bother people.

An older guy I worked for a few years ago once said, "Do not be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help shows that you care." I try to remember that.

[carfreemama]

Thanks, Savannah smiles. I think there is something about the focus on academics (though in my case, I was on my own with all that stuff; our home was dysfunctional in the alcoholic/chaotic way). I think I came to believe early on that anything that was challenging meant I wasn't "smart" and that was my identity. As soon as anything required an uncomfortable amount of thinking/concentration, I panicked.

I also don't like to "bother" people. I'm afraid they'll get mad or I'll lose my job or something. I have an excellent reputation at work, but I am "hiding" this limitation from everyone. Now it's getting absurd, because it really DOES look bad that I haven't figured some of this stuff out yet. If I had asked my questions months ago, there would be no issue. Now I've been forced to admit why I've let it go this long. Maybe that's a good thing.

When I ask myself how I would respond to someone ELSE asking for help, even if it was for something I thought was easy; well, I'd bend over backwards to make sure they felt okay about it.

I've always known I was like this, it was just a huge, painful aha moment today. It's a biggie in my life.

Oh, and I really don't want to sound like a martyr!

[LynnS6]

Another thought: Asking for help lets someone else show their care for you. No relationship (work or personal) functions very well if one person never takes anything from anyone.

Was your family able to help you when you were young? I"m suspecting if they were alcoholic and dysfunctional, then they weren't always. Is this perhaps not only "if I was really smart, I'd figure it out" but also maybe not setting yourself up for disappointment? I've seen my sisters do that -- my mom was in a severe depression in their early childhood, and was not able to help. Thus, they became too self-sufficient and asking for help is really hard. I think it triggers those feelings of needing help but not getting it when they were young.

This sounds like something that might be therapy worthy. I don't think there's a quick fix.

[carfreemama]

LynnS6, I think you are unfortunately exactly right.

I did ask for help in all kinds of ways when I was young. I was a gifted, but extremely confused and depressed kid. I got no help with school, but was expected to perform at a much higher grade level. I asked for help when I was being abused , too and was just completely abandoned. So I was alone and terrified. I never connected that to this problem, but it explains why it's so profound.

Thankfully, I am in therapy already with an amazing counselor; so this is grist for the mill. It's probably why that moment of awareness came when it did. I do have great friendships and I'm pretty sure there's a good give-and-take; but even there, I need to make sure I'm the one who's done the most babysitting, the most whatever. I don't ever want to be a taker; which is a good quality, I think. I've managed to find really generous relationships that I can give back wholeheartedly to, without feeling taken advantage of. I know what it's like to feel needy and I don't ever want to feel that way again.

[Red Cape]

I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated, and had to go through that stressful period of embarrassment. I highly doubt that you're stupid though. I hesitate to even post here, since I never even skipped one grade let alone 3, but I sort of felt sad when I heard that. The difference between 4 grades was huge when I was a kid. I felt completely self-conscious around the older kids at school, even those who were only one grade ahead. Was that stressful for you? Did you still have some good friends while you were at school? I hope you weren't isolated because of your smarts.

One thing I have learned and am continually humbly reminded of throughout life is how not logical emotions are, and how they really have a natural pace that I can only feel with my heart. I can't rush them no matter how much I think about or logic my way around something. I just have to go through them. I have to "know" it in my heart, be gentle with myself and be brave about making mistakes. I "LOVE" making mistakes because they provide an opportunity for growth and I think train me to be more adaptable. They give me more emotional intelligence or objectivity maybe(?).

Anyway, you are not alone. There are people out there who have a lot of understanding in them, and those are the ones we need to keep close. Whenever I get the love I need, I seem to work out the rest. Sometimes I have to give it to myself.

[carfreemama]

Red Cape, thank you.

I skipped 3 grades by the time I finished highschool, not all at once. I did k and grade 1 together; then did 4, 5 and 6 in 2 years. Then I went to an "experimental junior high;" which in Ontario at that school meant grades 6, 7 and 8. You did entrance exams and were placed in levels 1, 2 or 3, according to the grades. So I went in grade 7 and was placed at level 3; or grade 8, for all my core subjects. That was the hardest move, because it came after having just completed 3 years in 2. Then I went to another school for grade 8, because it was next door to a highschool where I "rovered;" so I was half in grade 8 in one school and half in grade 9 in another. Two years younger by then and in 2 different schools every day. So when things got tough, I really didn't know how to cope. I was afraid to ask for help when I was struggling with math, because by then I had the identity of "smart kid" and was afraid I'd be sent back down a grade if I admitted I was having trouble. I wish I had the maturity to understand that had nothing to do with intelligence, even if it did happen! But instead, I continued to struggle and ended up burning out and skipping tons of school later on. I think if I'd had parents who could have advocated for me, I might have been okay. But they were just tryiing to survive themselves and I know that. Still, I have some bitterness about that and I don't think things are done that way anymore.

I do have a great support system, I just need to use it! A couple of friends I have gotten comfortable enough to rely on, which is nice. This is just a new realization and it does feel good to explore it.

[Red Cape]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

I do have a great support system, I just need to use it! A couple of friends I have gotten comfortable enough to rely on, which is nice. This is just a new realization and it does feel good to explore it.

This is exactly where I'm at lately. I am finding it helpful to, as Ghandi put it, "be the change I wish to see in the world." I went through a BIG change recently, and really needed to rely on some friends, which I suck at frankly. It's hardest when I need it the most.

Luckily I have some good friends who stopped by often in my darker time, invited me regularly to do things with them, and others were going through similar situations. This provided me with some tools to use in return. I have been inviting friends to do things with me, had Thanksgiving at my house, and have stopped by at other's who I knew were in need of support.

I also have tried not to hide my truer feelings, especially tears, in front of the friends I trust. Even when I think I'm being silly about something, they seem to have had the insight to bring out the deeper understanding in my situation. It makes it easier for the next time, too, that I need to call them for support.

[Naturopath Mom]

I use to be like this too. It was bad, I would always want to please everyone else, and what I would focus on is feeling bad for bothering people. Always apologizing, feeling like things were my fault. I have been like this my whole life, and the only thing that brought me out was the flower essence Pine. I think this would have taken years of counseling otherwise!
Best of luck to you!