Grad student moms--how did it go telling your faculty you were pregnant?

[Blanca78]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently in my thesis year as a funded grad student, and just passed the 12 week mark with my pregnancy. I (deep breath) just sent an email to my department head explaining that I'm expecting and will need to take spring quarter off). My department faculty are extremely loving and supportive, but I am soooo worried about how they will react to the news that I have to take time off from my thesis just as I'm supposed to be graduating. I'm worried about how this will affect funding for my final quarter. I'm worried about how it will affect my ability to even FINISH my thesis with a new baby (our first).

How did it go telling your school you were pregnant? Were people supportive? Were you able to get the time off you needed?

I guess I have all sorts of questions and fears, too, about what having this baby will mean for my own career goals. I'm in a creative field with no expected financial payoff, that requires a great deal of self-motivation, which has not always been my strong point. I'm proud that I've gotten this far but am so depressed at the thought that the baby might take all my energy for a long time and I will end up never finishing or following through on my dream.

Any reassurance welcome! Sorry this is a bit of a mishmash of questions, but any BTDT stories or support will help. I know people have babies in grad school all the time, but I'm scared.

[Magistra]

Is there a standard maternity leave policy at your university or would you even be interested in that? I'm currently on mine (for a Canadian university--where it's automatic) and had hoped to get a lot of work done so that I could get some stuff done and run less risk of running out of funding. Definitely check in to see if there are standard policies; if there are, it's likely your funding would just get pushed back to whenever you return--which is how mine has worked.

Telling my department was uncomfortable, mostly because my partner is another woman, so there was no way for me to suggest this was an oopsie. None of the people on my committee have kids, and they are very much career-focused academics, so they don't really understand. I try to remind myself that it's their job to focus on my timetable and worry about completion. They're not nasty, just in a different place.

Turns out this baby (my second) is an awful sleeper and rarely sleeps more than 30 minutes during the day or 90 minutes at night. Between the sleep deprivation and short down time, I can never get enough into my work to do anything. (On the plus side, I've used the time to get my teaching certification and am almost done with that.) I'm currently avoiding my supervisor. I debate about finishing this degree all the time--in addition to my baby, I have a 7-year-old with Asperger's and have decided that I want to teach secondary school, or possibly undergraduates, rather than work at the research level, so my motivation lags sometimes. But I'm hopeful things will turn around as soon as I can get the baby to sleep a little more.

[pregnant@40]

My faculty were surprisingly very supportive, for they also appear to be career-focused academics. Many of them emphasized the importance of family over career, and two even congratulated me on knowing my priorities. This could be b/c I work in a female-dominated field, however. It would have likely been different if I was in a pure science. Also, I am paying w/ loans.

I have no idea how it will affect my thesis/project (we have a choice b/twn these). I know that it will be rough, but like you said, people get through it somehow. I'm taking 7 months off once the baby comes (3 quarters).

[Blanca78]

Thanks for the responses! I emailed my department head yesterday and as it turns out, it went very well. He sent his hearty congratulations and assured me that yes, I should take spring quarter off, and I will have a funded fall quarter waiting for me (the spring quarter would have been my last one, so fall will replace that). What a load off my mind--because of budget restraints university wide there has been a lot of talk going around about funding being iffy if people choose to leave and come back. I figured there must be some protection built in for medical and family issues, but to receive the heartfelt assurance of my department head so quickly made me really grateful to be where I am.

I still have to figure out childcare, but surely I can find someone to watch the kid part time next fall while I teach and write.

My biggest worry now is having the confidence and follow-through to complete the best thesis I can in light of all these changes. I have a feeling I'll be checking in on this forum pretty often!

Thanks again for your helpful responses.

[Carita]

fantastic! i would suggest heartedly though that you seriously consider a FT babysitter as PT was not enough for me. I didn't take a semseter off and in retrospect, I wish I had. Then I would have not had any expectations about progress. Even if you take time off completely, try to look at things on a regular basis so you don't completely forget where you were in your project.

[osker]

Glad to hear things went well and that you have funding figured out! I would strongly encourage you to do absolutely as much of your thesis as you can before the baby comes!
I am currently on internship, writing my dissertation, and have a ten week old at home who is so incredibly cute and snuggly and amazing that I never, ever, ever want to give up holding her in order to work on my dissertation! Every moment I have when I'm not at work I want to spend with her! I had all these visions of her sleeping peacefully next to me while I typed away on things.. which has happened a couple of times.. but most of the time my brain is fried and I only have 20 minutes or an hour or some other short period of time and that's not enough to wrap my brain around my dissertation.
I wish that I had done more before she got here so that I could feel more accomplished on dissertation.. so that it wasn't looming over my head... cause I really don't care that I'm not making progress on it at the moment!

Telling my department went fine.. because I too have a female partner and she was the one pregnant... but now I think I'm about to talk to them about potentially taking a lot of time off... and I'm terrified about it! Life is life and it happens and sometimes you shift on things.. but babies! They are always cute and in need of kisses!

[Magistra]

Glad to hear that taking a quarter off and getting that funding pushed back to a later quarter is so straightforward. That gives you one less thing to worry about (or at least push the worrying back for a quarter).

[Blanca78]

Thanks, all! Your suggestions are really helpful. My concern about a full-time sitter is financial, but I will look into it. Carita and Osker--you are both helping bring me down to earth about the reality of getting the thesis done. Right now I'm probably about halfway there, all told. It's a story collection (I'm an MFA) and I have 6 out of 10 stories written, but still need to revise most of them.

[youngspiritmom]

I got pregnant during the last year of my BA and was working on an honors thesis. Here is my advice:

1. Update your career goal, right now, to just finish the degree. Don't worry about anything besides that right now. It is ok if it takes you longer, but just make the goal to finish. Personally, I think you can lower your standards (or maybe just be a little forgiving) about how you finish. Maybe you can't do everything you did before, or take on extra projects etc. But YOU CAN finish your degree and find a way to make it work. You may have to make a few sacrifices, but you can do it!

2. Being in thesis mode is actually great when having a baby, because the research and writing is all on your time. Learn to pace yourself to work in small intervals. After you have your baby, Write a task list of each thing that needs to be done and do them in small chunks. With that said.....

3. Work your butt off while you are pregnant. During my first pregnancy, I was always like, ohhhh this school work is so hard to do while I'm pregnant!!! I'm so big, I'm so tired, I need to rest. After I had the baby I was like "Why the HECK didn't I finish my thesis before I had this baby???" I'm telling you ---- get as much as you can done while that baby is still inside you. It will be worth it.

4. Stay open minded about what will happen after the baby. I had depression that totally surprised me and made it impossible for me to focus on school for 2-3 months. I emailed my advisor and just told her the truth - that I was feeling very depressed and having a hard time adjusting to the baby. I told her I needed a break from school until I could figure that stuff out. She totally understood, and then after I sort of learned how to be a new mom I geared into "Finish this degree/thesis" mode and graduated a semester late (but I did it!!!!)

5. Allow yourself to change. I know a lady who finished her PhD, then had a baby a few months later, and realized that she no longer cared about her PhD or career and just wanted to be a mom! I liked that she allowed herself to have a new or updated identity. Don't feel guilty if your baby becomes more important to you than your career. Don't feel guilty if your baby becomes just as important to you as your career. And don't feel guilty if your career becomes even more important to you after you have had your baby.

I guess what I'm saying is don't feel as if you have "failed" on your dream if it doesn't play out the way you thought after you have your baby. It is ok to decide that your dream doesn't fit you anymore, or that it is even more important to you and that you will have to sacrfice time with baby (babysitting/childcare) to achieve that.

Being a good mom often means if your needs are fulfilled, then you can fulfill the needs of your child.

As far as people being supportive, be honest with people, and most people are. You are a human. Don't feel just because you are in a professional realm that you have to pretend things aren't hard or have to change. Most people, in my experience, really do understand, and the ones that don't are usually jealous or ignorant...

Wishing you the very best Mama!!!
Just thought I'd throw out some advice since I had a similar situation that I learned from

[Blanca78]

Youngspiritmom, I'm near tears reading this. Thank you so much for such loving advice. I know I will return to this thread for encouragement as I get further down the line! Once again, you and the other posters here have reminded me why MDC is THE BEST!

[youngspiritmom]

Originally Posted by Blanca78

Youngspiritmom, I'm near tears reading this. Thank you so much for such loving advice. I know I will return to this thread for encouragement as I get further down the line! Once again, you and the other posters here have reminded me why MDC is THE BEST!

and your baby is included in the hug too!!