anyone hs several children? extended family calling, now a big distraction?

[allmine]

I am hsing four children right now and I also have a two year old little girl.

I;m a bit overwhelmed today because I have extended family that "need" to talk with me on the phone more often than I feel I can really feasibly do.

I'm just wondering what the "norm" is for others who are hsing, and especially hsing several children at once.

Do you feel you have time in the day for phone calls from family members ? (I;m not talking about friends who call...that is a thing of the past for me as ANY contact I have wiht friends is limited to in person at church or a rare social event or email/internet, etc etc). I'm talking about extended family members who are older who do not have internet and tend to "need" me to listen to this story or the other.

I'm a bit drained. I need to know how other people handle this.

My mother called this morning. She talked for nearly 30 minutes straight. I had the children started on their lessons but they got distracted by my talking on the phone and acted up, teh baby got into things, fussed, wanted to nurse, etc etc....I eventually just started scrubbing the kitchen floor/dining room floor while we talked as that NEEDED to be done (company coming tomorrow) adn i figured I should at least not have a whole half hour to hour wasted.

It troubles me though because this keeps happening over and over and over again. and, it isn't just my mother who calls. Other extended family as well. I use the answering machine a LOT but to be honest I don't have ANY time EVER to call people back so the fix isn't really to call them back later. There never is a later. there is NEVER a time that I truly have time to blow a half hour talking to this person adn that on teh phone. it is always a drain, always a distraction, always a problem. Always.

these family members live far away. hours away. is the answer to just let our relationship be one of the occassional visit in their home. We do visit regularly by traveling and that is stressful enough as it is. much less trying to be kept up on all the details by phone calls. I just can't do it anymore.

what is the answer???

I come from a large family with many sibs, many aunts, uncles, etc etc....I'm at a loss.

does anyone have some useful feedback?

[*Jessica*]

Many of the homeschoolers I know have a policy that they don't answer the phone during set hours of the day to eliminate this problem. They let all calls go to the answering machine/voicemail and return calls after school is done. You might need to let family know what's up so they don't assume that you're avoiding them or something.

I seem to have the opposite problem. My family doesn't call very often, because they are afraid they will interrupt our lessons. I finally told everyone to call before ten or after four and I started getting calls again. I like talking to my family, just not when I'm in the middle of something important!

ETA ~ I just noticed that you don't have time to call people back later. Honestly, I would just let everyone know as soon as you answer the phone that you are super busy, you don't mean to be rude, but the kids need your attention right now and you have 5 minutes to talk.

[allmine]

Thank you for responding.
problem is that I can't seem to ever find a good time to get on the phone. even when school lessons are over, there are chores, there are boys that will fight every spare second unless I am orchestrating their day. I don'tn know. I 'm pretty bummed out righ tnow. it just seems lke I can't be anything other than Mom and Teacher right now and Everything other relationship in the world has to be let go. Me and dh spend time together each night after the kids are in bed and before I die of exhuastion...but it seems that no other relationship in my life outside of my immediate family do I have one iota of time or energy for.

sorry. I'm exasperated righ tnow.

[karanyavel]

I don't answer the phone during the HS day unless it's urgent (caller ID FTW). Beyond that, we had the same problem for a long time. Parents, sibling, in-laws, aunts, etc., calling just to BS when I didn't have time. It took a while, but we eventually "trained" everyone to email us. A lot of that was taking the phone off the hook and then telling them, "Oh, I'm sorry we've missed your calls but it's always really crazy around here -- email usually works better because we can get to it when we're actually home/available."

It takes me maybe 5 minutes to read a looooong email that is the equivalent of talking on the phone with my aunt or whoever for about an hour. I respond once it's convenient but usually within 24 hours and always within 48 hours. Far, far simpler and easier to fit in than the enormous phone calls. My relatives (most of them, anyway) like it because they can send me a dozen quick emails a day and I'll read and respond to all of them, so we're touching base a lot more often than we could on the phone.

Just a thought.

--K

[allmine]

Originally Posted by karanyavel

I don't answer the phone during the HS day unless it's urgent (caller ID FTW). Beyond that, we had the same problem for a long time. Parents, sibling, in-laws, aunts, etc., calling just to BS when I didn't have time. It took a while, but we eventually "trained" everyone to email us. A lot of that was taking the phone off the hook and then telling them, "Oh, I'm sorry we've missed your calls but it's always really crazy around here -- email usually works better because we can get to it when we're actually home/available."

It takes me maybe 5 minutes to read a looooong email that is the equivalent of talking on the phone with my aunt or whoever for about an hour. I respond once it's convenient but usually within 24 hours and always within 48 hours. Far, far simpler and easier to fit in than the enormous phone calls. My relatives (most of them, anyway) like it because they can send me a dozen quick emails a day and I'll read and respond to all of them, so we're touching base a lot more often than we could on the phone.

Just a thought.

--K

oh hun, your singing my song!! the problem is that my mother doesn't have email ! she is almost 70 and doesn't even own a computer. it is a MAJOR inconvience. And, at least one of my sisters would rather talk AT me for minutes on end then have to sit down adn formulate an email.

gosh, I'm going batty with these TALKERS I have in my family!!!!!

[journeymom]

If you worked eight hours a day outside the home you wouldn't have this issue, I'm guessing. Not just because you wouldn't be there to answer the phone, but because the out of home job seems more real to your extended family than your homeschooling 'job'.

You need to set limits with them, you have the right to do so and you're not being mean to do so. This is your life, your time and you have the right to spend it how you see fit.

Let calls go to voice mail. Or answer if you want to, but right up front say tell them "Oh hey, I've got a few minutes to talk but then I've got this thing I've got to do." Then spend a few minutes, not 30, and then wrap it up and hang up. Ten minutes. Better yet, five minutes.

They call because you've been answering and letting the conversations go on at great length. They don't know that it's a problem if you don't ever put limits on it.

This relationship with your extended family sounds amazing, and exceptional. I'm curious to know more about it. You mentioned your mom. Are people calling to vent about their lives? Are they trying to get you to sort things out for them? This isn't your responsibility and you're not obligated to do this.

You sound like such a caring and big-hearted person. Between taking care of yourself and your kids and your dh, it may be that extended family is going to have to go on the back burner for a while. Doesn't have to be forever. Regardless, they will probably be disappointed. That's OK, that's for them to deal with. You can't be everything to everyone.

[allmine]

Originally Posted by journeymom

If you worked eight hours a day outside the home you wouldn't have this issue, I'm guessing. Not just because you wouldn't be there to answer the phone, but because the out of home job seems more real to your extended family than your homeschooling 'job'.

You need to set limits with them, you have the right to do so and you're not being mean to do so. This is your life, your time and you have the right to spend it how you see fit.

Let calls go to voice mail. Or answer if you want to, but right up front say tell them "Oh hey, I've got a few minutes to talk but then I've got this thing I've got to do." Then spend a few minutes, not 30, and then wrap it up and hang up. Ten minutes. Better yet, five minutes.

They call because you've been answering and letting the conversations go on at great length. They don't know that it's a problem if you don't ever put limits on it.

This relationship with your extended family sounds amazing, and exceptional. I'm curious to know more about it. You mentioned your mom. Are people calling to vent about their lives? Are they trying to get you to sort things out for them? This isn't your responsibility and you're not obligated to do this.

You sound like such a caring and big-hearted person. Between taking care of yourself and your kids and your dh, it may be that extended family is going to have to go on the back burner for a while. Doesn't have to be forever. Regardless, they will probably be disappointed. That's OK, that's for them to deal with. You can't be everything to everyone.

My mother is calling to lean on me. point blank. She has lots going on in her life and needs a friend and she has picked me to be the one to listen to her tell about this or that latest big decision, this or that latest big crisis, or just to hear what she made for supper the night before. I love her , but I almost can't handle it anymore.

I do have at least one other extended family member who basically calls me to dump. She wants me to do talk therapy with her and help her sort out her problems. She says I am the best listener she knows. That is probably true. But, I can't do this anymore. I have set limits on her and it has forced her to go to emailing me. That, I can handle.

But then there is still my mother.

This has ALL got to take a back burner.

I suppose today was the day I started having this grand epiphany.

All these comments are helping. I just have to be strong and start setting some limits. I am not taking good care of myself and part of that is tending to other people's problems and selling my own time short.

[journeymom]

I should disclose that I dropped in here from the New Posts search, and I don't home school. But really, homeschooling is only the backdrop to your issue.

Originally Posted by allmine

oh hun, your singing my song!! the problem is that my mother doesn't have email ! she is almost 70 and doesn't even own a computer. it is a MAJOR inconvenience. And, at least one of my sisters would rather talk AT me for minutes on end then have to sit down adn formulate an email.

gosh, I'm going batty with these TALKERS I have in my family!!!!!

The lack of email thing doesn't really matter. I could be wrong but it sounds to me like you have a hard time saying NO to family, at least where this phone thing is concerned. Standing up for yourself just might make waves and rock the boat. They're used to you being available to them. But if you start kindly and firmly making limits and boundaries, they will respect you for it. They might bitch and moan for a while but that doesn't reflect on you, it reflects on them.

Best of luck.

[journeymom]

I suppose today was the day I started having this grand epiphany.

I love these epiphanies!

[zjande]

I second what a PP said. If you answer the phone, say something like "we're in the middle of our science lesson, but I have 10 minutes to chat." And then, at 10mins, say "Oh, sorry, my 10 minutes are up! I have to get back to that science..". Or say "the kids are taking a math test [even if that's not entirely true ], so, I have exactly 5 minutes to chat then I have to go."

I too don't answer the phone during school time, usually. And when I do, I'm sooo darn distracted by talking to/disciplining/helping my kids, I think the callers sometimes gets fed up & give up attempting to talk with me. Do you allow this to happen? Or do you constantly hush your kids & tell them to wait while you're on the phone? If it's the latter, I say stop it & just give the kids exactly what they need the whole time you're on the phone. The caller will (hopefully) realize that you are very busy! If every other sentence they speak gets interrupted by you saying,"Oh, hold on, the baby fell. Oh hang on, I gotta get Joey's math page for him. Oh, oops, Hanna's doing her writing all wrong, hang on...." then they would hopefully get the message.

I also email far more than phone chat. I just don't have much time for phone chatting! I also (attempt to) keep my blog updated. That way friends & family can always check in there to see pics of the kids & get an update on us without calling. I know that wouldn't work for your mom, but maybe others?

[allmine]

Originally Posted by zjande

I second what a PP said. If you answer the phone, say something like "we're in the middle of our science lesson, but I have 10 minutes to chat." And then, at 10mins, say "Oh, sorry, my 10 minutes are up! I have to get back to that science..". Or say "the kids are taking a math test [even if that's not entirely true ], so, I have exactly 5 minutes to chat then I have to go."

I too don't answer the phone during school time, usually. And when I do, I'm sooo darn distracted by talking to/disciplining/helping my kids, I think the callers sometimes gets fed up & give up attempting to talk with me. Do you allow this to happen? Or do you constantly hush your kids & tell them to wait while you're on the phone? If it's the latter, I say stop it & just give the kids exactly what they need the whole time you're on the phone. The caller will (hopefully) realize that you are very busy! If every other sentence they speak gets interrupted by you saying,"Oh, hold on, the baby fell. Oh hang on, I gotta get Joey's math page for him. Oh, oops, Hanna's doing her writing all wrong, hang on...." then they would hopefully get the message.

I also email far more than phone chat. I just don't have much time for phone chatting! I also (attempt to) keep my blog updated. That way friends & family can always check in there to see pics of the kids & get an update on us without calling. I know that wouldn't work for your mom, but maybe others?

I like this.
I think this actually brings me to the heart of the matter. MOST of the time I shush the children but that is inappropriate. They deserve my full attention during those times, and not the other person on the phone.

What you have written here is compelling and very practical. I'm gonna give it my best next time I find myself on the phone.

The transformation is in my attitude towards my children , though. It has to start there. They deserve me to make them center stage during school, NOT my mother or any other person who calls just to "chat".

[HappyMommy2]

For the important people, set up a specific day and time. I always used to talk to my Dad at 10am on Wednesdays. I would carve out the time, and he would too. We stayed connected, and that way I never had to feel bad screening his calls anymore. (I never screened the Wednesday ones.)

[phathui5]

Do you have caller ID?

It's ok to not answer the phone when you're homeschooling, doing things with children, etc.

[provocativa]

i recommend a speaker phone while cooking or doing chores. i often interrupt phone calls by pretending that the youngest is up the tree, just fell down, etc. i am an honest person, and do have the strength to set limits, but some of my older relatives get offended or feel sad, and i would rather tell a white lie than have them sad. we have been dealing with this a lot lately, with one aunt, my brother, and my niece all in and out of the hospital!

[kittywitty]

I have my phone off or on vibrate during "school" time but most of my family don't call until late evening if they do call.

I am technically "schooling" three children right now, but #5 is on the way. Even with one kid, an interruption like a long phone call can make or break our day.

[kristin0713]

I agree with everyone. Don't answer the phone and continue to take care of and educate your kids. It is not your job to be the therapist for your extended family. Let everyone know that it is just not possible to have these long talks at this point in your life and it is nothing personal. You also should not have to call these people back when you actually have a minute to yourself at the end of the day! No way. As for your mom, I can understand wanting to be able to support her through all that she is going through. Maybe once every other week, meet her for coffee or something. Or have her over for dinner or after. Be there for her, but set limits. Also make suggestions to her and anyone else as to places where they can get other support--other friends and relatives, a church, a therapist, maybe taking up a hobby or going to a book club or something where they can get out and meet people in the same place in life as them. Say this in an encouraging way, so they know that you want them to have support but that you simply canNOT parent and educate your children and spend all this other time on the phone.

Maybe they should all just talk to each other, since they have so much time to talk! (kidding...)

[MyFullHouse]

Well.... to me, it sounds like there's more than one issue at play.

You asked if others have time in the day to take calls from family members. Yes, I do. FWIW, I'm 'only' homeschooling 3, with a 3yo and being in my 3rd trimester. My kids are pretty rowdy, and will go a bit nuts while I'm on the phone, but such is life.

Now, if you were to ask if I always WANT to take those phone calls, that's another story. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

What I'd be more concerned about is the idea that you don't have 30 minutes to spare in your day. Whether you're taking family phone calls or not, you NEED to find at least 30 minutes in a 24 hour day to claim as your own! How long do you really think you can keep going without that tiny sliver of time for yourself?

[allmine]

Originally Posted by phathui5

Do you have caller ID?

It's ok to not answer the phone when you're homeschooling, doing things with children, etc.

I regularly don't answer and call back later. I use my caller ID and my answering machine. But even "later" I truly don't have time to spend *this* way.
Thus the epiphany that the whole thing just has to stop. Family members are gonna have to learn to make calls shorter with me, and talk to others as well, and not just to me.

[allmine]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

Even with one kid, an interruption like a long phone call can make or break our day.

exactly.

[allmine]

Originally Posted by kristin0713

I agree with everyone. Don't answer the phone and continue to take care of and educate your kids. It is not your job to be the therapist for your extended family. Let everyone know that it is just not possible to have these long talks at this point in your life and it is nothing personal. You also should not have to call these people back when you actually have a minute to yourself at the end of the day! No way. As for your mom, I can understand wanting to be able to support her through all that she is going through. Maybe once every other week, meet her for coffee or something. Or have her over for dinner or after. Be there for her, but set limits. Also make suggestions to her and anyone else as to places where they can get other support--other friends and relatives, a church, a therapist, maybe taking up a hobby or going to a book club or something where they can get out and meet people in the same place in life as them. Say this in an encouraging way, so they know that you want them to have support but that you simply canNOT parent and educate your children and spend all this other time on the phone.

Maybe they should all just talk to each other, since they have so much time to talk! (kidding...)

I'd love to have my family members over, but they all live hours away. otherwise, that is a perfect idea.

I think I am just learning that I do have to set limits. We do visit with them several times a year in their state or in ours....but otherwise, sadly, visiting between those road trips is going to have to be curtailed to very short phone calls here and there.