how supportive is your SO?

[starbyfar7]

just wondering, because mine sucks.
i dont know if its the critical side of my pregnancy hormones or what, but i couldnt be more peeved about how insensitive and blah he is about this whole pregnancy thing. hell.. my 7 year old is more into it than him! she's always asking how im doing and talking to the baby and rubbing my tummy and trying to see if she can make the baby kick and asking me how i ate today and if im feeling better and trying to ensure that im extra cautious about absolutely everything.. its almost as if she's my partner in this whole thing!

i guess this hit me most yesterday when i was online looking for a good pregnancy pillow and i noticed how many men had left reviews on this one product. they were going on about how they bought it for their pregnant SO to help her sleep better.. and i couldnt help but think wow. what a nice thing to do. to take the initiative and research a product and buy it for your SO just to help her get more sleep. i don't have that. no one but my 7 year old daughter is holding my hair back and patting my back when im facedown in the toilet! back pains, foot pains.. nope.. no offers to help by massaging the pain away. no googling of what kinds of things could be causing my ailments and ways to alleviate the pain.. i dont get any of that.

i know he's excited about the baby.. but sometimes i really feel like i'm just the vessel..im a friggin surrogate! he's excited and concerned about the baby.. but for some reason what i need emotionally and physically is kicked in the dirt!

somehow this turned into a vent.. but there was a question at the beginning lol. please somebody out there tell me you have a sucky partner too or atleast had one who improved somewhere along the line during pregnancy?

[smeep]

This baby's father was the same way. Only on rare occasions would I see real excitement, like his eyes lighting up and a big smile when he talked about it, and that was always while he was talking with someone else. But as for me, he was very just...not there. He never offered to rub my back, I had to always ask him. He never asked how I was feeling. The only reason why we even got the A/C turned on halfway through July was because a neighbor told him that he needed to get it done because I'm pregnant and it's not good for my health or baby's health...but when I told him the same it just wasn't a big enough deal to get on it. He never once bought anything that he found on his own (baby clothes, toys, nothing). It really set things off on a bad path, and was just one of the reasons why things got as bad as they are. The funny thing is now that we're not together anymore and he's pretty much taken himself out of the equation (he claims he wants to be a dad, yet he's said he won't be attending anymore appointments) I'm actually much happier. Because I don't have that constant reminder in my face EVERY single day reminding me that he's not there in any way except physically.

However, my situation I'm sure is quite different from yours. The same basic lack of emotion/showing enthusiasm is there, but I've no doubt our stories are completely different. For us, I don't think it ever would have worked out, as he's an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Have you tried talking to your SO about it? Maybe write him a letter or email so he doesn't feel attacked (even if you don't intend to come off that way, people often take it that way)...just let him know that you know he's excited, and as petty as it may sound, you are hurt that he doesn't actually SHOW it to you...and then give the examples that you listed above. But make sure you tell him that you KNOW he loves you guys and is excited, you just wish he would show it.

[pugmomma]

My DH is supportive I would say but not as excited as I am. This is our first and I can't even go into a store that sells baby stuff and not take a look. He's just not built that way I guess. He hasn't bought anything for the baby or researched any pregnancy things. He did start looking at pregnancy magazines and books because I put a few in the bathroom as encouragement.

He does go to appointments with me but only if I insist and then follow up to make sure he got the time off work. Most of the time I don't even bother. He will paint and get ready for the baby but it takes a lot of pushing from me. And he's never rubbed by feet or massaged by back. If I asked he would do it.

I think partners may act like this because the baby is growing inside of us therefore they don't have the constant reminder that the baby is coming and apart of our lives. I hope that once our little one is here he will get more into the game.

[lillymonster]

my DH is unsupportive. It's not really he is hurtful, but more he doesn't want to deal with it. After a long talk he told me he was scared. After last time, what happened in the hospital, he felt terrible he could do nothing, and now he feels like I'll end up with a c-section anyway and he is scared it will be bad for me to vbac. So it's a matter of removing all the crap other people have said to him. Plus I got so sick with both pregnancies, he really didn't want me to get pregnant with #2. I think it's hard for him to see me struggling with vomiting and then side effects of the drugs and not be able to help.

So I am doing what I can without him and hoping he decides at some point to come along. He has started to ask about hypnobabies and if he needs to read anything. He outright refused to go to bradley classes - 2 hours long for 12 weeks, he said no way to.

He is also doing other things, while I don't think they have anything to do with the baby, but to him they are EVERYTHING to do with the baby. I don't get it, but to him, it's important to finish the garage before the baby comes. I guess it gives him something, like a start and finish, that he has control over, and he can do and fix, but he can't fix me or make me feel better, ykwim? he can only worry and stress about me, so he needs something to do.

[lyterae]

This time around has been completely different from my pregnancy with my first. He is involved and he wants to be involved, he spent the first 3 months taking care of our daughter and the house while I slept and threw-up...

I'm sorry that he isn't connecting , I've been shocked and surprised and the change in DH this time around. He talks to the baby and rubs my belly...

[WifeofAnt]

I think men normally think of different issues than we do. They like straight-forward things where every problem has a solution. 'Problems' like morning sickness and the normal symptoms of pregnancy don't always have easy solutions.
Mine is still a little iffy on Braxton Hicks. To him a contraction is a contraction. I have to keep reminding him that these are the kind that are supposed to be happening and it doesn't mean I'm in labor. Oh well. He's a worrier but I love him.

[nixnc]

my husband has been very supportive. he doesn't go out of his way to read about pregnancy or birth that i know of, but he listens to me and discusses it when i bring it up. he gives in to my cravings to the point he will go to chik fil a, mcd's, and arby's to complete one meal for me if that is what i wish. (the 3 places are right there beside each other).

he was a little sketched out at my decision on going with a MW this time, but remains supportive and involved.

after our 2nd was born (his first experience as my oldest is from another relationship), the only complaint i have to this day is he has to be FORCED to give him a bath, i am sure it will be the same with this one, but if that is all i have to deal with, then i'm fine with it.

if he were anything like what i know my friends or what some of you guys have/are experiencing--there would be major problems. i would have to sit down with him and have a serious discussion over what he feels his role should be and what it actually is in reality.

not that i am a huge nazi feminist or anything to that extreme, but i definitely believe the SO should be involved 100%. for cripe's sake, we are the ones experiencing devastating changes in our bodies, emotions, etc. in addition to giving birth and in some cases nursing this child for the first part of their lives. the least the SO could do is be supportive and helpful with the children other than that.

[zjande]

In a lot of ways, I just think it's a male thing. My husband is an incredible partner, father, & provider who believes that our having a large family is the most wonderful thing he could do with his life. In other words, he really loves me & the kids, but he's really just not interested in pregnancy. Or birth. If I talk to him about a fascinating (to me) birth fact his eyes glaze over. He doesn't go to my appts or ultrasounds, & if I asked him to pick up a pregnancy related book he'd laugh out loud. He would never in a million years think to research some pregnancy ailment or pillows or any such thing online either. Imagining him doing that makes ME laugh out loud.

He rubs my achey parts when I ask him to. He helps out with the kids & housework when I'm hugely pregnant & PP. And above all, he goes to work everyday to support us all because he loves us. And he says sweet things to me. The fact is, I know without a doubt that he loves me & will always be there for me. But he's a man. Pregnancy & birth are mainly in the realm of the female in my mind. Am I really interested in hearing all the totally fascinating (to him) software he's creating? Or some incredible (to him) political news? Honestly, not really. Although I do listen when he talks about those things. But I don't think to research software on my own, or find some interesting political thing to share with him.... I'm just not really interested. I just don't think pregnancy/birth is interesting to a lot of men. And I know he's definitely not interested in hearing me whine & complain about my aches & pains! LOL

And you know what else? I'd bet you 5 bucks that those reviews for the pillow were written by women at the company trying to market to men to get them to feel like buying their product for their wife would be a good idea, because- "see! Look how many other men are doing it!"

I'd recommend gushing sweetness at your husband & see what kind of nice sweetness you get back. But you probably shouldn't expect any new pillows or anything like that. Men are just that way. But we love them anyway, right? And hey, at least you have your little girl to dote on you! That's super sweet! See? Girls love to talk pregnancy & birth!

[WifeofAnt]

Mine doesn't go out of his way to help most of the time but he goes along with most of my requests. Backrubs, dishes, take the garbage out, refill my water bottle, ect. I try not to ask too often but its rare that he'll try to get out of it.

My favorite quote is "if you think you need it, then you need it". We went out and bought me some button down pjs (for postpartum) and an exercise ball. No questions asked.

[MaerynPearl]

Ive had two between my three kids.

The first 2s father was unsupportive. I made it work for me but it was not easy. #3s dad though, he is so very supportive. It makes a huge difference and is so weird to me that I dont have to worry about everything 24/7.

[pregnant@40]

Starbyfar7, I'm right there with you. I feel really depressed and angry about it. My husband never talks about the baby or shares any dreams/plans, and he continues to come home late and hang out w/ other guys as if he were single. I feel lonely through this pregnancy, as I did with the first. My emotions/hormones are whacked, but I don't want to take more than a minimal dose of antidepressant medicine due to the risks. I hate that I'm now in a position where I'm pregnant & feeling alone. This sucks.

[Banana731]

Maybe my post will make you feel a little better, Star.

DH is super excited about having babies. He is totally into birth, he's a huge normal, woman led birth advocate, and super helpful PP. If I ask him to get me something (food, water, etc-even from the store) he's usually happy to do so. And once he can feel and see the baby developing, he's all over it. Being married to me has turned him into super-dad from blastocyst on...

But he has this weird line where he becomes a total (insert expletive, I like calling him a female cleansing device part). Like in the 1st trimester, he gets the general idea of 24/7 nausea, and tries to be sympathetic, but at a certain point he just becomes unable to do so and starts being totally grumpy and aggravated that he has to help, or that I can't do anything. Or if my sciatic nerve flares up and I have to ask him to do things that I can't, but usually do (like vacuum) more than once or twice, I get the same obnoxious db acting all pissy! Think: toddler with a beard. It makes me want to throttle him.

I truly believe that it comes from his views on pregnancy and birth. He thinks that it's all so normal, that I should be able to do all the normal things I can when not pregnant. I know that I'm partially to blame for that view, and I'd rather he have it, then not. And yes, I have pretty healthy problem free pregnancies, where I am mostly able to continue on my normal life. But for crying out loud, it's hard work to gestate too! A little recognition!

He's mostly so awesome, but he isn't the perfect partner - no one is. He shines on some areas of the journey far more than others. So I just try to keep my raging hormones at bay and seethe quietly for the few days here and there where he's not being cool AT ALL, keeping in mind that he comes through 90% of the time.

I continue to work on him. If I could get him as far as I have with all the natural birth stuff, then it's only a matter of time before I get him trained on the other stuff too!

When all else fails go for the rolled newspaper!

[EnchantedMamma]

Here's my theory on men and our wish lists:


If he does sweet things before you ask, awesome.
If you can hint around and get what you want, great.

But if he just doesn't quite get it (at all, or in specific situations), DEMAND what you need!

Why? Some men are willing to be more sensitive and just need guidance.

Others aren't and won't ever be and so you might as well just get what you need. If they compensate in other ways then it's not all bad.

My SO/DH is very supportive, although he's not the 'drop everything to humor the pregnant woman' type... nor did he order my Snoogle pillow after SEVERAL hints. So once I get bigger I will not-so-subtly let him know it's time to press the BUY button

Sorry you aren't getting the amount and type of support you need.

Hormones def. don't help. My DH got on my nerves a LOT last time. This is the first pregnancy I can recall him humoring a food request (apple pie is baking... but I had to whine a lot), and it's mostly because I hurt my neck yesterday.

I hope your partner is otherwise a great guy. Sometimes even great guys just don't get it...

[starbyfar7]

smeep - yes, our situations are different.. but i was a single mom with my first and her sperm donor was the epitome of uninvolved. and now, well.. she's 7 and he's never even met her.. so i definitely know what thats like! i've talked to SO about it, but these days i feel like i whine and nag about so much that its almost as if he's starting to not take anything i say seriously. everything is pregnancy hormone related. when things cool down between us, i think writing him would definitely be the best bet. we've talked about this before and he and i have totally different ideas on what it means to be supportive. to him, taking care of everything financially = support. and the term support has no other meaning. in fact, when i tried to explain to him that duh, its so much more than that.. he looked at me like i was speaking greek! however, he agreed to "do better" but those promises are always shortlived.

pugmomma - i guess i have that to be thankful for.. when its concerning the baby, he is "involved". i couldn't keep him away from appts or ultrasounds or anything involving the baby if i tried.. but thats as far as it goes. my suffering and discomfort is sad and all.. but as long as the baby's okay, its whatever! like i said.. i'm just the crummy surrogate carrying his beloved child. but the thing is..i know that when the baby gets here he'll be father of the year. i see him with his son and my dd and he's amazing.. but he doesnt know how to do both.. be a wonderful supportive father AND supportive partner. for some reason there's a disconnect

lilymonster - he has been stressing about the financial strain of having a third.. so maybe that has something to do with it?

zjande - hahah! very interesting insights.. you're right that there are alot of things that he wants to gab about that i could absolutely care less about. i guess sometimes i forget that he's a man, and not one of my pregnant girlfriends.. willing to commiserate any/all the time lol. if the people who wrote those reviews are women from the company, they're an evil brood! they have no idea what kind of tension they're creating in otherwise (generally) happy homes! way to stir the pot lol. and yes.. im super grateful that my daughter is so helpful and uber excited about baby!

WifeofAnt - it doesn't bother you that you have to ask for these things? maybe i've watched too many gushy chick flicks and im asking too much in expecting this man to do these things without prompt or begging. it would be so nice to hear, "honey, are you craving anything right now? can i get you anything?" maybe im being unrealistic.. i just don't see this as too much to ask for. and its temporary! 9 measly months!

pregnant@40 - thank you for letting me know that im not the only one feeling crappy about this. have you talked to your SO about his behavior?

Banana731- haha after your first 2 sentences i was thinking um.. is she trying to push me deeper into the depths of despair with this description of her perfect partner !?! but actually your SO sounds alot like mine.. totally on board with homebirthing, the empowerment of women, raising our kids vegetarian/natural/organic etc.. and maybe this is the problem for us. maybe he has so little sympathy because i've tried to drive home the idea that pregnancy/childbirth is normal and natural and not a big deal.. and now its backfiring? he believes me/agrees.. and expects me to carry on as though nothing is different? i didnt get random backrubs or gobs and gobs of compassion/affection pre pregnancy.. so why would i expect them now? innnnteresting... definitely something im going to have to mull over


ladies, thank you so much for your responses!

[WifeofAnt]

Originally Posted by starbyfar7

WifeofAnt - it doesn't bother you that you have to ask for these things? maybe i've watched too many gushy chick flicks and im asking too much in expecting this man to do these things without prompt or begging. it would be so nice to hear, "honey, are you craving anything right now? can i get you anything?" maybe im being unrealistic.. i just don't see this as too much to ask for. and its temporary! 9 measly months!

Well I like to give him credit but he's not psychic. He usually fulfills my requests immediately though.

[MyFullHouse]

If I want or need something, I ask for it. While I would love for dh to be a more intuitive partner, I don't expect him to be able to know what to do for me unless I tell him. This is our 4th baby together, so he does know a little more than he did before, but that's from experience (and a bit of training ).

Real life isn't usually like the movies. Decide what your actual expectations are (not what you think everyone else's are), and then tell him.

FWIW, that's what I do even when I'm not pregnant!

[thebigfam]

big Daddy is a great dad and husbnad but he just doesn't get it when it comes to pregnancy. Yesterday for example we were painting the exterior of the house but from the very begining I had sever round ligament pain. Like I was folded over in half in pain and not able to walk but he just rolled his eyes... literally rolled his eyes and basically told me to get over it. He just doesn't understand! I told him over and over again I wish he could be pregnate just one day so he could truly know how it feels.

Big Momma

[WifeofAnt]

Originally Posted by MyFullHouse

Real life isn't usually like the movies. Decide what your actual expectations are (not what you think everyone else's are), and then tell him.

Exactly. I don't really want him guessing. He tried for a while but he kept guessing chocolate pudding and ice cream. No wonder why I'm already past my weight gain goal with 7 weeks to go!
Of course it appears I have his support at any weight. Note to self, do not try on new nursing tank with DH in the house. He doesn't seem to realize the 'booby flaps' weren't made for him. Sometimes I think me being 'round with child' makes him more excited than usual.

[nixnc]

i have to give it to you ladies for putting up with the crap that has been posted in this thread.

like i said in my earlier post: i would have to have a serious discussion with my husband if he were to act like some of your SO's. he isn't whipped by any means, and we each have our time to ourselves. i have no problem with him having his own life, however we do have a life together and we created these little beings together.

good luck you guys!

[dakotablue]

I just wanted to add that my Dh was SO onboard and excited when we were pregnant with DS. This one he's had a harder time connecting to.

BIG differences for us, with DS we induced ovulation then had ultrasounds every week for 5-9 weeks, then transferred to OB Ultrasounds at 11 and 12 weeks (trying to do neural tube thing DS wouldn't cooperative) Then at 20 weeks. But I was starting to show and baby was kicking.

Point being it was so much more real to him. This baby we didn't plan and have seen twice, but both times DS was with us and Dh was distracted.

I've talked to Dh and he had said two things, first "I'm just so focused on him right now" (him being Ds) and that "this doesn't really seem real, at least you feel the baby all the time."

I have to take that for what it is. He's a guy and needs that visual to make it real for him. When the baby comes and even when I'm bigger I think it will be totally different. right now its kinda a side bar in his mind.