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Respect for themselves when boyfriends have no morals

post #1 of 41
Thread Starter 
My 13 old daughter came home last year and told me she had a boyfriend. I smiled, offered some advice without sounding controlling and tried to be supportive (inside I was screaming "you are way too young for this"). We are usually able to openly talk about most things so I was happy that she was sharing. He was very affectionate toward her in school, kissing her before she got on the bus and they were texting constantly. I was trying to go with the flow and just checking in through conversation that she was using good judgement. We have talked about sex, peer pressure etc and I have shared my experiences with her both positive and negative. So after a few weeks he dumps her to make his rounds with 6-8 other girls. Before school is out for summer he comes pleading back to my daughter that she is the only one for him. She gives him that chance and then I find out he pressures her into sending a phone picture of herself in her underwear which after reading the texts I could see she was very reluctant in doing. I block his number on her phone and then she finds out he is two timing her with 2 to 3 other girls texting them how much he loves them. So this school year starts and my daughter and I laugh about the reputation this kid is getting going from girl to girl and how my daughter wants NOTHING to do with him. So yesterday she comes home and says he has been so nice to her and she is now in a relationship with him again (slap me). I told her I am trying to raise her with self respect and I just don't understand why she has made this decision. Now she won't even let me talk to her about it....just says "stop it." I said she can see him in school because I can't control that, but I won't allow any communication outside of school. If he wants to talk to her he can call the house phone (how scary). Now she is mad at me and her tone is disrespectful and I am getting angry. What is the best way to handle this?
post #2 of 41
I'd stay out of it, and just be there for her. That worked well with my daughter.
post #3 of 41
Thirteen is too young to be in such a grown up situation on her own. You are very right not to "just stay out of it." That would feel very wrong to me.

I don't have a 13 year old yet (I do have a 13 year old sibling), this just caught my attention from the main page but wow. Thirteen is way too young to deal with that much pressure alone. He's pressuring her to send naked/nearly naked pictures of herself? That is just not cool. If I came here as an adult and posted, "I'm seeing this guy and he is pressuring me to send him naked photos of myself" all the advice would be along the lines of you need to dump him, anyone who would pressure you to do things you don't feel comfortable with is not respecting you, etc. Doesn't a 13 year old deserve respect and good advice?

I don't think I'd try to punish her, but I'd try to set her up in a situation where she couldn't do that again. You can't put a child in an adult situation and expect her to make grown up decisions. I know that's not a popular thought on this forum, but from what I see around me and from what I remember about being a 13 year old, it's true.

My first "boyfriend" was when I was around 14. He was older and just a lot more worldly so my parents told me if I wanted to see him, he could come to our house (there was no going in my room and shutting the door, but everyone kind of vacated the family room and looked busy) and he obviously called me on the house phone because it was like 1987
post #4 of 41
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post #5 of 41
Having a very close relationship with my 15 year old DSD, I've been through a lot when it comes to boys (and girls)... Keep doing what you are doing but know that she is still young and not quite sure of herself yet. That's normal. Just keep his number blocked and let her know that you don't agree with her choice in boyfriends. However, she is probably going to stay with him a little longer. Then the newness and excitement is going to wear off. 13 year olds generally don't stay with one boyfriend for very long. Eventually, she will move on and realize it's not worth it. It just takes them longer to realize that at that age.

As for the picture, have a talk about self-respect and let her know you are disappointed. Then let it go. A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon to a girl.

We just recently went through this with my step-daughter. She was dating a boy that was everything we DON'T want for her. He admittedly did drugs, had pictures of himself holding weapons on his facebook and had very dirty "quotes" on his page... it made me sick that my upstanding, responsible, beautiful DSD was with this potentially dangerous young man. Her mother threw a FIT over it and forbade him from calling her, talking to her and tried to make DH do the same. We didn't. We let her know that we didn't agree with her choice, we were disappointed and wished she loved herself enough to chose better. It went on for another 2 weeks and then she realized that he was exactly what we said he was. She broke up with him... and now she is with a new boyfriend. One that I absolutely ADORE. He comes over to our house for dinner, he comes to my children's birthday parties. They have SO much in common, they are ADORABLE together and he's the most respectful young man. He's everything I could have dreamed of for my DSD. Heck, I'll admit it... if anything happens between them, *I'll* be upset. I love him to death!

So just remember, relationships at that age are fleeting. Right now, some of the excitement probably comes from the fact that you don't want her with him. Kids have to make their own mistakes... and learn from them and she will. We all had our stupid boyfriends at that age... it's part of growing up.
post #6 of 41
I'd keep talking to her and I would insist that any time spent together be in your presence. Have you spoken with his parents. If not I would definitely make contact with them so you are all on the same page.



13 is way to young to be dealing with such adult decisions. IF he is pressuring her to take pictures is he also pressuring her into sexual activity.

The issue of the pictures is a serious one he could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. Your daughter also needs to understand that any picture sent to him may and probably will be shared with all his friends.
post #7 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristin0105 View Post
13 is way to young to be dealing with such adult decisions. IF he is pressuring her to take pictures is he also pressuring her into sexual activity.

The issue of the pictures is a serious one he could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. Your daughter also needs to understand that any picture sent to him may and probably will be shared with all his friends.

I saw this on the main page; I don't have a thirteen-year-old but wanted to mention that the issue of the pictures is a serious one. she could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life. There was a case a few months ago wherein the girls sending pics of themselves were charged with child pornography.
post #8 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxie View Post
I saw this on the main page; I don't have a thirteen-year-old but wanted to mention that the issue of the pictures is a serious one. she could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life. There was a case a few months ago wherein the girls sending pics of themselves were charged with child pornography.
Those were also completely naked pictures... this is in her underwear. Definitely a no-no but let's not scare the poor woman into thinking her 13 year old daughter might be labeled a sex offender just yet. Definitely something you want to talk to her about so that it doesn't EVER get to that point but it's not going to get her arrested. Also, PP makes a good point that her picture may get passed around to all of his friends... not something a 13 year old wants happening, I'm sure.
post #9 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Attached2Elijah View Post
As for the picture, have a talk about self-respect and let her know you are disappointed. Then let it go. A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon to a girl.
Tread carefully with that one. My mom expressed disappointment in me a few times when I was a teen (understandably, in retrospect - I made some really dumb decisions/choices). I know she was just trying to get through to me, but what she actually did was make me feel like a worthless piece of crap. It was only a small part of our relationship, but it sunk in way, way deeper than she ever meant it to. This came up in a conversation with my sister recently, and mom said she'd do it differently if she could, because she never meant to make us feel that way.

A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon - but is a weapon really the first tool one wants to reach for when trying to help a young teen navigate the world around them?
post #10 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
Tread carefully with that one. My mom expressed disappointment in me a few times when I was a teen (understandably, in retrospect - I made some really dumb decisions/choices). I know she was just trying to get through to me, but what she actually did was make me feel like a worthless piece of crap. It was only a small part of our relationship, but it sunk in way, way deeper than she ever meant it to. This came up in a conversation with my sister recently, and mom said she'd do it differently if she could, because she never meant to make us feel that way.

A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon - but is a weapon really the first tool one wants to reach for when trying to help a young teen navigate the world around them?
I definitely agree with you... I guess I should have said let her know you are disappointed with her actions, not her as a whole.
post #11 of 41
Stay out of it? When the guy was pressuring the OPs daughter to send him pics of her in her underwear at 13. Um no way, I'm not staying out of that. I'd be severly limiting her contact with him too.
post #12 of 41
Without the whole "send me racy pics" deal, I'd say back off. But with that aspect? I'd be on the phone with boy's parents in a heartbeat and make it plain that he can knock it off or expect a call from the cops.

BTDT when my boy sent an inappropriate photo to a girl he liked (at HER request). When the father called me and said he didn't want my son contacting his daughter again or he'd be contacting the cops? I can tell ya I put the fear of God in him. And he did cut off contact - SHE is the one who kept contacting him. I made sure that he kept copies of all of her texts and emails, plus his one-time response via each media (cc'd to me) asking her to stop contacting him.

Kids do stupid things.
post #13 of 41
I don't have kids but I can tell you about this from the other side of things. (It wasn't really THAT long ago!)

I was about that age when I first started dating. I was with the same guy for 1 year, 1 week, 3 days. (I have *NO* idea why I can remember that either!) Our dates were supervised and we weren't allowed to do anything too crazy. We kept it in our pants until 11 months. He was my first. (We were 14....don't judge, please!) We did send sexy texts and we did get physical at that age. (That was before pic/vid messages though... there probably would have been some of that too.)

It's funny, my fiancé and I were talking about this last night and while I thought I had it all in control then, I don't think I was ready to do the things I did when I was only barely a teen. My own kids won't have it so easy, I can promise you all that.

This boy sounds like bad news, IMO.
post #14 of 41
Woah, is there seriously a chance that a 13 yo could be labeled "sex offender" for the rest of her/his life? Children have committed much worse crimes before 18 and its limited to their juvie record.


As for your daughter, Id tell her he could be her "boyfriend" if she wants, but her has to call on the house line and she cant go anywhere w/ him w/o supervision.
post #15 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post
Woah, is there seriously a chance that a 13 yo could be labeled "sex offender" for the rest of her/his life? Children have committed much worse crimes before 18 and its limited to their juvie record.

If it's nude pictures, then yes there is a very good chance... as for the OP's child sending pictures in just her underwear, no there's not. It's definitely toeing the line but it's not quite the same as nude pics. I don't really understand how sending another underage child pictures would warrant that kind of action but it has and does happen.
post #16 of 41
I recall a beautiful young lady here in Ohio who killed herself after txting her bf a nude picture.He sent it out to friends,and it was all over the school.Share that story.

As for the boyfriend I would express concern over his hopping around from girl to girl.He may pick up a disease or 2 that he will give your daughter,so a lesson in diseases/symptoms is in order.It is not being a nagging mom-it is the thing to do when you expose yourself.

Other than those 2 things and the no-contact rule out of school that is all I can think of.Best wishes!
post #17 of 41
I teach high school, and just last week we had the local DA come and talk to the kids about "sexting" with words and pictures. First of all, in every state it is different. Our students were told it is all about age, as to what they can be charged with etc. One thing that stood out to me was this: if a girl sends the pictures, but says she was coerced to send them, then it is all on the boy. The DA made a point to the boys of pointing out that when pressured by her family and trying to stay out of trouble, most girls will say they were coerced.
post #18 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by mar123 View Post
I teach high school, and just last week we had the local DA come and talk to the kids about "sexting" with words and pictures. First of all, in every state it is different. Our students were told it is all about age, as to what they can be charged with etc. One thing that stood out to me was this: if a girl sends the pictures, but says she was coerced to send them, then it is all on the boy. The DA made a point to the boys of pointing out that when pressured by her family and trying to stay out of trouble, most girls will say they were coerced.
TOTALLY O/T, but seriously?! And people wonder why rape and sexual assault victims are rarely believed...

I mean, I get where they're going with this, but teaching boys not to do naughty things because girls are liars seems so very wrong to me.
post #19 of 41
The tone presented was really more, "don't ask her to do it because she will not protect you over herself." The boys I see around here often think they can talk girls into anything; some of them can, honestly. The things I see make me terrified for my own kids.

One thing that did bother me with the presentation was the tone that it is only boys asking for these pics. Girls today can be VERY aggresive. I know many moms (myself included) who have simply disabled the MMS feature on their kids phones. It solves that entire problem.
post #20 of 41
From two years ago, girl charged with sex offense.

I don't think being scared is helpful, but parents simply need to take the issues seriously and know that it can happen. Don't dismiss it.
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