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Respect for themselves when boyfriends have no morals - Page 2

post #21 of 41
Does your school have a liason police officer? Talk to the officer and have the officer talk to the kids.
post #22 of 41
pbj mama I'm thinking along the same lines. This is all happening at school and it sounds like numerous girls are involved, I would make sure the counselor, Principal etc. are aware of this so they can educate the school population and also hopefully breathe down the neck of this boy.

I remember how wise and sophisticated I was at 13 and yet in reality sooo naive. Girls of this age can convince each other something is the "norm" because peer groups reign for young teens. Burst the bubble and give them all a reality check before someone does something stupid or something they regret. Get the school to talk to ALL the kids and if necessary roll out a police officer so they know the law is not on the side of horny cyber manipulators.
post #23 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by mar123 View Post
I teach high school, and just last week we had the local DA come and talk to the kids about "sexting" with words and pictures. First of all, in every state it is different. Our students were told it is all about age, as to what they can be charged with etc. One thing that stood out to me was this: if a girl sends the pictures, but says she was coerced to send them, then it is all on the boy. The DA made a point to the boys of pointing out that when pressured by her family and trying to stay out of trouble, most girls will say they were coerced.

What? I would so be at the school board, if I had a child in that school. In fact, I'd be calling the chief of police about their program.
post #24 of 41
Thread Starter 

She is breaking all the rules

Thank you for all the replies, it has offered support and really made me think how I want to handle this...but now I am faced with another situation. I had told her I did not approve of the so called "relationship" with this boy and she was only to have contact during school. I do not want to be the kind of mother who reads text messages or invades privacy. My mother did this to me in such a vindictive way my entire life and I ended up hating her for it and still harbor resentment. So I have given my daughter a lot of liberties within the guidelines of safety and some restrictions. She has her cell phone at all times but no calls or texting after 10 on schoolnights. She has a facebook, but was very reluctant to let me have the password. I always tell her that privileges come with using good judgement and being responsible. Well I became suspicious since she has been suggesting that I should go to the store or take her brother and a friend swimming. I got on her facebook and saw a lot messages between her and this boy. She had been using her ipod touch to chat with him and the messages were anywhere from 11 at night to 4:30 in the morning. She has also been calling him from our house phone at 11 or later while I was asleep. I also read that she met him at a park while at a friends house. Their conversations are about who loves each other more and he says prove it......long kisses at school...and about what will happen the next time they get together that sounds like more than just kissing. Tonight I stayed up and heard her talking on the phone to him....I opened her door and told her to give me the phone and to handover laptop, cell phone, etc.. She was hysterical and yelling that her sneaking around was my fault since I would not let her see him. I told her that sounds like you feel entitled to break the rules when you don't agree with them. I decided not to get into a shouting match and plan to talk more tomorrow or the next few days since tomorrow she will ignore me and slam doors to express her anger. I can let her earn the cellphone and laptop back in time, but I will not meet her half way with this boy and I feel it will be the end all of our positive relationship. Also I don't want to tell her that I read her facebook and face those consequences....sounds like I am terrified of her hating me. She just turned 13 and though I feel she has always been wise beyond her years, but the hormones and this independent disrespectful attiude are leading her down a path she is too young for...not to mention how much I hate this boy. Open to more advice..thanks
post #25 of 41
Child pornography.

Perhaps you should let her know where she will end up if she is caught distributing child pornography even if she is the model.

She doesn't need a bf at 13. my opinion.

Plus promise you those nudish photos of her have been seen by more than just him and possibly already on the internet which is permanent.
post #26 of 41
Sorry, I just now read the last post. Good for you. Those toys are earned out of respect. It is not her right to have them and I'm glad you took them all away. You definatly need to reign her in.

To lie to you.. boy.. I feel for you. If she can't be truthful about where she is then she needs to stay home. She would not be getting any toys from me for quite awhile and her facebook would be gone. I already don't believe in children having such things. Facebook/myspace I believe are all about hooking up. Sorry but it's what *I* believe. It's just another place to be bullied and talked into doing things that you wouldn't otherwise say in person.
post #27 of 41
If i had his number i would call it, introduce myself, tell him i knew he was asking her to send these pictures, i knew he was cheating on her, i knew he was treating her like crap and i was sure his parents would be interested to hear all about it too. I would put the fear of MamaBear into him! I would email the links re: the child pornography charges to her, i would tell her she's only as good as she lets people treat her, i won't trust her if she's not trustworthy, i won't respect her if she doesn't respect herself, and the next time he does something horrible to her i would tell her the truth "why would he not do this, when you have showed him over and over it is ok to do so?"

Some lessons you just have to learn. She might learn it now or later, but she needs to learn. On the whole i would rather my DD's learn about it at 13 when they are still living at home and less likely to be having sex/getting deeply embroiled than when they are 20 and may be married to, having kids with or being beaten by the jerk they are letting wipe his feet on them.
post #28 of 41
Well I wouldn't let my 13 year old have a facebook account in the first place. And the way she is acting, I would remove the ability to text from her cell phone completely, if I even gave her access to the phone. She hasn't earned the trust to have it. I'd take away the ipod touch too.

I had once incident where dd had made a yahoo email address at about 13 to email someone she met online. She didn't consult me, which she knew was expected. I put an end to that. And we had a detailed discussion on internet safety. But she never gave me the kind of rebellion you are getting so I'm not sure what to say she could do to earn your trust back and her things.
post #29 of 41
*sigh*

OP,

I'm sorry. She sounds like me at 13/14/15. It is awful. I haven't been on the parent side of this yet, but I know it's coming in 12 years or so. I think that you did the right thing. She's showing poor judgment by breaking the rules. How can you trust her judgment on boys if you can't trust her to stay off the phone? I think that she (not you) has broken the trust, and she needs to work to get it back. So no internet, no phone, no toys. And I think she should figure out how she's going to earn that trust back.

I would also call his parent(s) and let him know that if I find out that he has been contacting her I'm going to call the police. If she says this is embarassing, OH WELL, she had the opportunity to handle it herself and didn't. Old enough to break the rules, old enough to bear the consequences. I tell myself all the time (with my 2 year old!), "if she's happy with me all of the time, I'm doing something wrong..." Good luck.
post #30 of 41
Have you talked to her, when she's calmer, about having respect for herself? Something like - she's worth too much to you and should be worth too much to herself, to be with a boy who would place her so low in his own respect that he cheats on her? You love her so much it hurts to see her demean herself by accepting a boy who's willing to treat her so badly.To tell her to demand he show respect for her by treating her right, respecting her own boundaries and all that?

I know that this is kind of a wierd thing, but sometimes songs get through to kids, and while I don't know much of what is on the radio these days, one of the things that got through to my oldest DSD was Prince's song "P**** Control." (read the lyrics, before getting hung up on the title). Oh, something else, my second oldest DSD was in this peer educator group that put on shows where they did skits that dealt with issues like puberty, body image, relationships, sex, sexual orientation, domestic violence and such, could you investigate and see if there such a local group for you? Maybe she could get involved or at least get acquainted with such a group. That might work wonders for any blinders she might have on due to that heady rush of smittenness.
post #31 of 41
Sounds like she needs a crash course in what a healthy relationship looks like. It doesn't look like whats happening - "prove it"????!!! WHAT??? In a healthy relationship there is no need to prove anything.

I would get MORE involved. She'll thank you later. Is there a women's organization around you that does teen education regarding relationships? She won't listen to you I guarantee it, but she might listen to someone else. Do you know anyone who's been in a bad relationship that she has lots of respect for? Talking to that person, and letting them take her to coffee might be good for her.

I would start looking into making sure she has ALL the info she needs about birth control, sex, babies, abusive relationships, etc. Maybe some good, well placed articles that she might stumble upon??
post #32 of 41
What about calling HIS parents? Let his parents know what he is suggesting. As other people have pointed out--there are serious consequences to "sexting" pix, I would be grateful if a parent let me know what was happening before any damage had been done.
post #33 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
Sounds like she needs a crash course in what a healthy relationship looks like. It doesn't look like whats happening - "prove it"????!!! WHAT??? In a healthy relationship there is no need to prove anything.

I would get MORE involved. She'll thank you later. Is there a women's organization around you that does teen education regarding relationships? She won't listen to you I guarantee it, but she might listen to someone else. Do you know anyone who's been in a bad relationship that she has lots of respect for? Talking to that person, and letting them take her to coffee might be good for her.

I would start looking into making sure she has ALL the info she needs about birth control, sex, babies, abusive relationships, etc. Maybe some good, well placed articles that she might stumble upon??
All this.

It sounds like you're dealing with both teen stuff (the hormonal upheaval, struggle to find their identity, etc.) and the irrational behaviour that can develop in a toxic relationship. She's dedicated herself to this boy, and he's manipulating her. I've never figured out how to help my adult friends who end up in relationships like this, so I don't know what to say about your dd, either...but she definitely needs a crash course on some very grown up topics. She's probably convinced that she has to be a "good girlfriend" (no matter what it takes) and that he's the most important person in her life.
post #34 of 41
I think you should mention to her that those pictures she might take are forever. They are his once they are on his phone and he can do what he likes with them. Maybe he will delete, maybe he will save them forever in case she ever becomes famous, or more likely: he will pass them around to his friends.
post #35 of 41
You know, when I was a young teen in love with the wrong guy, I really wish someone had taken a step back and looked at the real issue: My confidence level. Boys were new and exciting, and hormones drove that feeling to a different level - but the deeper issue that really contributed to allowing myself to be manipulated and eventually assaulted by these pushy teenage boys was the fact that I was not as confident in myself as people believed.

I wish someone had taken me aside and really told me that I was worth more. That boys out there would treat me with respect and dignity, but that it was my job to demand it. I really did feel like I had to latch on to the boys that liked ME because maybe no other boy would ever feel that way towards me again. And I was an extremely confident girl to any outsider, I never really displayed any signs of lacking self-esteem except when it came to boys. I think society and outside influences subconsiously pressed the idea into my mind to GRASP ANY MAN and be the ultimate man-pleaser, because could I do better? Maybe not. And having a man was better than being alone.

I know tensions are probably VERY high at home right now, but maybe she could make a list of all the reasons why she likes this guy so much? All the reasons why she wants him to be her boyfriend? And then make a second list - all the qualities she wants and needs in a boyfriend to be happy. She might find that the lists don't match up.

But ultimately, instead of banning me from the phone like my mom did - I wish she had sat down with me and told me not only was I beautiful inside and out, but that there were a ton of other boys out there that would want a relationship with me - cuter, nicer, and more respectful boys, and it was worth the wait.

$0.02
post #36 of 41

This boy is a predator and certainly he was/ is collecting other pics and targeting other girls.  I would do anything within my power to stop their contact, including removing her from the school.   

post #37 of 41

 

Respect: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed

This book is a great starting place for discussing these issues.  

post #38 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by FarrenSquare View Post

You know, when I was a young teen in love with the wrong guy, I really wish someone had taken a step back and looked at the real issue: My confidence level. Boys were new and exciting, and hormones drove that feeling to a different level - but the deeper issue that really contributed to allowing myself to be manipulated and eventually assaulted by these pushy teenage boys was the fact that I was not as confident in myself as people believed.

I wish someone had taken me aside and really told me that I was worth more. That boys out there would treat me with respect and dignity, but that it was my job to demand it. I really did feel like I had to latch on to the boys that liked ME because maybe no other boy would ever feel that way towards me again. And I was an extremely confident girl to any outsider, I never really displayed any signs of lacking self-esteem except when it came to boys. I think society and outside influences subconsiously pressed the idea into my mind to GRASP ANY MAN and be the ultimate man-pleaser, because could I do better? Maybe not. And having a man was better than being alone.

 

This.

 

At 18, I dropped out of university, married the loser I'd been dating for six months, and moved a few thousand miles away from home with him. All with about $200 in my pocket and never having met his family. He made me feel needed, and I needed to feel needed.

 

A few years ago, I was chatting with my mother and mentioned something about having been so insecure as a kid/teen, and she was surprised. Apparently, she'd had no idea. I guess that's what happens when you don't get involved and don't talk to your kids. 
 

post #39 of 41

OP, how are things going?

post #40 of 41

 

Quote:
 I told her I am trying to raise her with self respect and I just don't understand why she has made this decision. Now she won't even let me talk to her about it....just says "stop it." I said she can see him in school because I can't control that, but I won't allow any communication outside of school. If he wants to talk to her he can call the house phone (how scary). Now she is mad at me and her tone is disrespectful and I am getting angry. What is the best way to handle this?  

 

I think that it is generally more effective to focus on dd's behavior and feelings rather than this boy's. I think that prohibiting communication or contact with a specific boy probably only fuels the desire & dishonesty. It just seems like it would better serve her for this event and for her future if she felt empowered to honor and respect herself. I would prefer to focus on why one would send pics of themselves & how that action might be detrimental rather than focusing on the fact that a particular boy asked her to. Because you can't always control who she's around, you can help her learn to feel confident in responding appropriately.

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