My preteen got punched at school today...how would you handle it?

[pugmadmama]

Okay, I'm upset but I need some input.

My son, who will be 12 next month, has had a problem the last few weeks with a kid teasing him (this kid has called him names like "klutz", "fag" and "weirdo"). We'll call that kid B. for Bully. We've been trying to work it through with the gym teacher (who is very nice) and our son. We thought it was going better. Then today my son comes out to the car holding an ice pack on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he said B had him punched him!

DS said B came up to him after their last class and said, "If you want me to stop teasing you, then you'll have to beat me in a fight." DS told him "I'm not allowed to fight and neither are you...we'll get suspended." Then B punched him and ran home. Luckily, there were a group of kids around them and they all told the teacher the exact same story.

So.......I met with the Lead Teacher (that's what they call their Vice Principal). She assured me this kid would be talked to tomorrow and would "most likely" be suspended for a day. She said, over and over, that they have a "zero tolerance" policy with bullying. She apologized, etc.

I know the Lead Teacher is doing everything she can...but it doesn't feel like enough. I am going back and froth between feeling furious and feeling so sad. My poor son's face is already swollen and a little bruised.

My son is a very sensitive kid. He's very bright and does very well in academics but struggles with things like gym class. He's the kid that all the teachers love. He usually has just a few friends, but he doesn't seem to need more than that. We've had trouble with bullys before.

I feel like maybe I have failed him by protecting his tenderness and sensitivity. The world is obviously not so kind to him! I don't know, I just don't know.

What would you have done? What else should I do???

[calgal007]

When my ds gets this kind of flack at school, I told him to defend himself as he sees fit, that he has my permission to do so and that I will back him up if it comes to a trip to the Principal's office.

My ds is a very mellow and non-confrontational child. He sounds a lot like your description of your ds, as a matter of fact.

I would not use this tactic if my ds were aggressive, but he's so sensitive that he gets bullied at times.

[Irishmommy]

If the other kid is old enough, I'd press charges. Obviously the zero policy means nothing if they haven't stopped the verbal harrassment.

[pugmadmama]

Hmmm...I hadn't thought of pressing charges...even if we didn't do it, threatening to do it would certainly get this kids parent's attention. Food for thought.

I'd tell my son to defend himself, but seriously, he'd have no idea how too. He's an only child, so he never even did the "play fighting" thing with siblings.

The longer the night goes on, the more angry I am getting...I have an awful headache to boot. One day suspension is nothing. Nothing. And my kids face is swollen and bruised. That's not acceptable.

I'm going to meet with the principal in the morning and I'm keeping my kid out of school until I am satistified that they are taking this seriously.

[Arduinna]

Wow, I am so sorry. That is just so totally unacceptable and I agree that a one day suspension is not enough.

I don't have any advice as I have never been in your situation ( have a dd and she is HS'd). When we had problems with the neighbor kid I gave him a good talking too (read yelling) myself. Not saying that is what you should do though.

Ugh, this really sucks.

[pugmadmama]

I'm on my way to bed but I wanted to stop by and say "thank you" for all the support. I feel upset and unsure of myself, it helps just to know that others care about my son and this situation.

[CincoDeMama]

omg, i've so btdt with my kids! i think at some point, every one of my school aged kids has fallen victim to a bully-at least once. kids are cruel to each other!

at first, we would try to take the high road & encourage our child to use words & communication. we always brought the teachers up to date so there'd be no surprises. all of this failed to end the bully-ing and the harrassment, unfortunately.

after every attempt failed, i gave my children permission to physically defend themselves if the bullies (or anyone else trying to intimidate or force them to do something) by hitting. not an easy lesson for me to teach, after all of these years trying to teach no hitting! lemme tell you, things started changing real fast with my kids. they found something within themselves they didn't realize they ever had~pride.

i can proudly say that these kids have been the victim of bullies since moving to a new state/school & have overcome their issues w/out fighting this time, and that's because they weren't afraid. once they get into a fight, they realize it's not that bad & don't fear it as much, at least that's how my ds explained it to me.

as far as the other kids goes, i'd def persue him being suspended-look it up in your student handbook-you should have signed one at the beginning of the schoolyear. in it will state what their grounds for suspension are.

i hope this helps some. i know it sucks when our kids are hurting from being bullied it was incredibly frustrating for me to sit by & watch, but ended up being a lesson worth learning for my children.

ps-i just proofread my post & am hoping it doesn't come accross as fight, fight, fight! kwim? that's not at all what i'm saying, lol
i have never bullied anyone, but from what i understand, they pick their victims based on how 'weak' they perceive them to be. once the bully sees that your ds is not 'weak', he'll move onto someone else (hopefully not, but more than likely).

[Lindy]

My ds is a sweet, sensitive, gentle kind of guy. He would never hit or hurt anyone. But, he did start taking Karate classes so he could defend himself if he has too. In his Karate class they teach many ways to defend yourself against bullies. Not all of them are physical. Some are talking to the bully, some are walking away, some are physical techinques that stop the person without harming them. They also teach students to respect themselves. It has been a great self-esteem booster to ds. just a thought.

[Lindy]

There is a group called Martial Arts for Peace. They have suggestions on how to deal with bullies.

www.atriumsoc.org/pages/enterMap.html

[kamalani]

One of my son's classmates was suspended for one day for "endangering another student." His offense was putting a tie wrap on a girl's finger. This offense was far less severe than punching someone in the face and leaving visable (and painful) results, yet our school has a zero tolerance for this type of thing, and they MEAN it!

Take photos of your son's face. Then if you decide to press charges for assult and battery, you have something to show. No one has the right to punch your child for any reason. Please, do not just let it go.

The idea of martial arts for peace is an excellent one.

[daylily]

I'm sorry this happened pugmadmama.

I agree with you that a one-day suspension is nothing. The one good thing that could come of it, is if the bully has good parents who don't want their son to be a bully and will exert themselves to correct his behavior. Unlikely, but possible.

My ds, who will be 12 in May, was attacked on the school bus. A boy had been taunting him at the morning bus stop, and ds had ignored it until one day the boy called ds "gay" and ds responded by calling the bully a "homophobe." The bus arrived at that moment and once ds was on the bus, the bully knocked ds down and stood on his chest until ds couldn't breathe. (Bully was much bigger than my ds.) At one point, ds called this kid an "asshole" in self defence. The bus driver did NOTHING--in fact the bus was moving while all this happened and ds and the bully got punished equally. (Ds was punished for use of bad language.) I've had to drive ds to school ever since b/c I feel it's the only way to keep him safe.

[CerridwenLorelei]

any updates

???

[Lucky Charm]

Zero tolerance means nothing where i live, and thats about 45 minutes from where Columbine happened, when Colorado all of a sudden became so serious about zero tolerance and bullying. Its all a crock of sh*t in my opinion and my experience. its the bullies that are protected, not the kids like your son, my son, and anyone else's son or daughter that is being taunted, teased or shoved around.

I finally told my son he has to do what he has to do, and my husband and i would stand by him no matter what. Things settled down, and nothing further happened in my case. My son is also sensitive, academically serious, but in his case, he is actually quite good at sports, has close friends, etc. FTR, we always taught him it takes more of a man to walk away tha to hit, to work things out with words, all the nicey nice things we say when we try and raise our boys to be men. bleh.

I just wanted to offer support. its so hard when we see our kids treated like this. It literally breaks my heart.

[waterproofmascara]

Does your school have a Resource Officer (or school police officer)? If so, I would have him/her speak with the bully and explain the legal repercussions of putting your hands on another person.
I can't help but think if it was your daughter the boy hit, things would be harsher for him.
I wouldn't stop until I was satisfied that it won't happen again, and that B was punished appropriately.

[pugmadmama]

I'm sorry I did not check back in sooner. I want to thank you all again for the support and excellent ideas.

So far, things are going okay, knock wood.

I met the Lead Teacher again the morning after the incident and that meeting went well.

Basically what the "zero tolerance" policy means in practical terms is that the first incident was a one-day suspension (we argued about that for awhile, I thought one day was not nearly long enough) and the child who did the bullying is now labeled as such and his (or her) punishments for subsequent incidents are already set. If another verbal harrassement incident happens, it's a two day suspension and it just goes on from there. If another assult happens, it's a three day suspension.

I also told the Lead Teacher tell B's parents that we are considering pressing assault charges...whether or not we file is completely up to B. If B leaves DS alone, we'll keep the Juvenile system out of it, if he says one word or touches a hair on DS's head, we're turning the incident over to the police.

So far, B. is staying away from DS. I'm still worried, but DS is a very sensitive child and I do think I'd be able to tell if things were not going well. I hope very much this will turn out to have been a one-time incident. I guess time will tell.

Thank you again for the help.