I can't believe DC2's "father" was the best father of them all... *warning: rant*

[smeep]

DS's father has never met DS (who will be turning 5 in December). We broke up 3 months into the pregnancy because he pretty much just didn't care. He doesn't even pay the court ordered child support anymore. It was so hard on me at first, but now I'm mostly at peace with it because he would have been a horrible influence on DS. It sucks that DS doesn't have a daddy, but I remember that his biodad is not someone he deserves in his life.

DC2 is the baby I lost at 8 1/2 weeks pregnant, when DS was 2. His father wasn't really there. He was pretty reluctant to even talk to me when I told him I was pregnant (it was one of those "one stupid, stupid night" things, though we did hang out a couple times after that, before I found out I'd gotten pregnant). But after I lost the baby he occasionally texted me and asked me how I was doing. We lost touch and then he got in contact with me again two years later (last December). We actually talked about the baby, and what could've been. A lot of questions neither of us asked when I was pregnant were asked and answered. It made me feel a lot better about a lot of things. He still texts me periodically and asks me how I'm doing.

Then I got pregnant with the baby I'm carrying now. The father and I had been seeing each other (great chemistry, hung out a lot, and obviously DTD enough times for this sneaky baby to come about)...but not officially and it hadn't been very long. He took the news pretty well. After I told him about my "baby daddy" history he even said, "Well, I think you finally found a good guy to have a kid with." My apartment lease was up so I moved in with him. I took a chance. He turned out to be an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Things got very bad, and he left me in dangerous situations on multiple occasions. He kicked me out and luckily a good friend of mine is letting me stay with her. The original plan was to move to Oklahoma where another friend of mine lives. A whole 3 1/2 hours away. And he didn't care. Now he's not attending any appointments (his decision) and have called him every week for the past three, asking that he call me back so we can discuss getting the rest of my things and money I need for the baby. It's the same routine... "Sure, I'll call you." A week goes by so I call him (at work, no less, because he doesn't have a phone or got one and hasn't given me the number) and the process repeats. And I'm scared to death that he'll actually try to fight for custody after baby is here. I would rather he bail completely like DS's biodad did, I don't want to have to fight with someone who would put me in danger while carrying his child, I can't trust him for one second alone with this baby. If it were up to me he would continue financial support and just disappear out of this baby's life altogether. The only positive to that is he lives an hour away, and I doubt he'll want to "waste" the time driving an hour each way on the two days he gets off a week...I really, really hope he just goes away.

It's so sad that the guy who was evasive and reluctant for the few weeks I carried our child is THE BEST guy of them all. He cared more about me and this child than the "fathers" of my two living children. And that's pretty sad considering he obviously didn't care THAT damn much!

And here I am, stuck again. I DON'T want to live with my parents again, but I'm praying that they'll let me, because I don't think I have any other choice. I got my hopes up, thinking I had found a good guy and that we would be able to raise this baby together as a family, something I've been wanting since I was pregnant with DS, and now I'm in a worse situation than if he had never pretended to care and I had never gotten my hopes up. I don't deserve this and neither do my children, and I'm so tired of meeting JERKS (this includes the guy that I got seriously involved with a couple years ago who became a father figure to DS and then just walked out one day and left me jobless and nearly homeless). I wish the universe would stop playing these games with me.

[sioleabha]

I hate to say this, but I don't think you should go on just hoping that this guy will disappear. Instead of waiting around and worrying that he will try to get custody, you need to be proactive. Otherwise, you could end up trying desperately to prove that he isn't fit and looking like you're making stuff up just to spite him.

Do you have any evidence or witnesses to prove that he is an alcoholic / abusive / dangerous? Gather up whatever you have, and get the best lawyer you can find / afford. Then make sure that you don't have to let this guy around your baby.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by sioleabha

I hate to say this, but I don't think you should go on just hoping that this guy will disappear. Instead of waiting around and worrying that he will try to get custody, you need to be proactive. Otherwise, you could end up trying desperately to prove that he isn't fit and looking like you're making stuff up just to spite him.

Do you have any evidence or witnesses to prove that he is an alcoholic / abusive / dangerous? Gather up whatever you have, and get the best lawyer you can find / afford. Then make sure that you don't have to let this guy around your baby.

I doubt he would be able to stop drinking long enough to pass random alcohol tests if I were able to get them ordered...the day he admitted he had a drinking problem not 10 minutes later he pulled a beer out of the fridge. He drank 2-4 beers every night for the next four or five nights and then had a night where he got completely drunk again. I can't imagine that he would be able to pass random tests.

My mother would be able to testify as a witness to the night he and his ex tried to pull me out of the car at my parents house. Most of the people who have witnessed these things wouldn't be willing to testify (because they're on "his side" and are just as horrid as he is). But I have plenty of friends that can say I called them when X incident happened and what I told him (if that would even make a difference?). I also have a friend who can testify that he not once called me the entire week I was in Oklahoma, was a no-call no-show the day he was supposed to pick me up, and was a no-call no-show the next time and then was extremely reluctant when he finally did pick me up a week after he was originally supposed to...despite the fact that I had a midwife appointment coming up, that my DS was in Dallas with my family, etc.

Honestly, at this point I'm starting to consider not filing for child support at all simply because the attorney general would automatically do basic custody (wednesday afternoons and EOW - though with the EOW I'm almost certain he would not get overnights because we're nursing)...I don't know if they would still order it temporarily if I contested it and THEN we go to court, or if they would hold off on any custody order until it was settled in court. I do NOT want unsupervised visits. Period. Not just because I don't trust the guy, but because I can't just send bottles off with him and DS nursed at such random times, I could nurse baby, send baby off with ex and an hour later baby might be hungry and I won't be around. But mostly because I don't trust him for anything. At least if I don't file, he may never bother to participate (and, unless he files and an order happens, he can't physically take baby - because I have zero plans to list him on the birth certificate or give baby his last name), but if I do file then he may be more motivated to participate and that scares me. And this is coming from a person that rarely ever thinks NOT filing for CS is a good idea. That's how scared I am.

I mean, this guy left me stranded in Dallas at 4am with NO working phone, no money, no food, no shelter, no car, nowhere to sleep, nowhere to go, in a dangerous area...an hour away from where he lived. While I was pregnant with his child. And he never once was concerned for my safety (he said this). All because he was drunk and on xanax. He pulled over and yelled at me and said some really, really disturbing, nasty things and told me to get out of the car over and over. I only take blame for getting out of the car. But he takes no blame for anything, and puts all the blame on me for getting out, even though he was kicking me out just shy of physically removing me. That's just ONE example of how insane he is. Even if he didn't care about MY safety wouldn't he care about the safety of the child I'm carrying? If he can't care enough to not put me in dangerous situations for the sake of our child, who's to say he'll care about the safety of our child after s/he is out of the womb?

Also, last I knew he still hadn't updated the registration on his car and had only just redone the inspection and insurance after months without it. And a couple weeks or so I got a call (my number was our primary contact number) from the insurance company saying it needed to be paid that week or it would lapse...which it probably has. Would any of that be helpful? I mean, could I even get proof of any of this?

[BabyMae09]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I too dealt with a similar situation for a few years. May I offer some advice? It wasn't until I went to therapy for myself (just me, alone) for about 2.5 years almost weekly that I was finally able to figure out why I made the choices that I did, and how to deal with being a single Mama. AFTER I dealt with my 'stuff' I found a great guy, whom I have a baby with and who loves my son like his own

Being a single Mama takes courage and lots of energy. PM me if you need someone to talk to

[vannienicole]

Also, if you are still in line to move to Oklahoma, it's a much cheaper cost of living than in Dallas. (I'm in OKC, but from Dallas where most of my close family lives.) I've been doing the single mom things for almost two years. It's rough, but I agree with previous posters. Be proactive. Start planning for not only when baby gets here, but two, three and ten years after baby gets here.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by smeep

Honestly, at this point I'm starting to consider not filing for child support at all simply because the attorney general would automatically do basic custody (wednesday afternoons and EOW - though with the EOW I'm almost certain he would not get overnights because we're nursing)...I don't know if they would still order it temporarily if I contested it and THEN we go to court, or if they would hold off on any custody order until it was settled in court.

As I read on this site, http://www.lanwt.org/txaccess/PATERNITY.asp, the father would have to deliberately seek custody and visitation once paternity has been established. These are not guaranteed.

Also, you can handle it administratively without going to court which could work to your benefit if you could reach your own agreement with the father:


A. Instead of going to court, paternity can be established and child support set administratively in a Child Support office through the Child Support Review Process (CSRP). If you have not acknowledged paternity, you have the right to ask for a genetic test. Paternity tests can also be ordered if there is doubt about the biological father's identity. No one has to appear in court if there is an agreement concerning custody, visitation, and support; and everyone signs the agreed order.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by BabyMae09

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I too dealt with a similar situation for a few years. May I offer some advice? It wasn't until I went to therapy for myself (just me, alone) for about 2.5 years almost weekly that I was finally able to figure out why I made the choices that I did, and how to deal with being a single Mama. AFTER I dealt with my 'stuff' I found a great guy, whom I have a baby with and who loves my son like his own

Being a single Mama takes courage and lots of energy. PM me if you need someone to talk to

Therapy is definitely on my "to do" list...I need it, for sure. Thank you, mama!

Originally Posted by vannienicole

Also, if you are still in line to move to Oklahoma, it's a much cheaper cost of living than in Dallas. (I'm in OKC, but from Dallas where most of my close family lives.) I've been doing the single mom things for almost two years. It's rough, but I agree with previous posters. Be proactive. Start planning for not only when baby gets here, but two, three and ten years after baby gets here.

Oklahoma move isn't going to happen, I'm staying in Dallas. It's for the better...there are a thousand reasons why Dallas is better. I lived in Tulsa a few years ago, though. I miss it, but not enough to move back. Dallas is my home.

Originally Posted by Minxie

As I read on this site, http://www.lanwt.org/txaccess/PATERNITY.asp, the father would have to deliberately seek custody and visitation once paternity has been established. These are not guaranteed.

Also, you can handle it administratively without going to court which could work to your benefit if you could reach your own agreement with the father:


A. Instead of going to court, paternity can be established and child support set administratively in a Child Support office through the Child Support Review Process (CSRP). If you have not acknowledged paternity, you have the right to ask for a genetic test. Paternity tests can also be ordered if there is doubt about the biological father's identity. No one has to appear in court if there is an agreement concerning custody, visitation, and support; and everyone signs the agreed order.

I believe that is what DS's biodad and I did. It wasn't technically court, it was more of a mediation thing and if we disagreed, then we would go on to court. After establishing child support, they just did the basic visitation (Wednesday evenings, EOW) to which ex actually protested...not that he wanted more, but that he wanted NOTHING. The mediator said that they give it to them standard in case he changes his mind. He said he wouldn't...and he hasn't yet and I doubt he ever will. I did, however, make sure that they put in no overnights because we were nursing, JUST to be on the safe side. This time I don't want any unsupervised visitation PERIOD, which probably won't go over well with the mediation unless ex agrees to it which I doubt he will.

[vannienicole]

Originally Posted by smeep

Oklahoma move isn't going to happen, I'm staying in Dallas. It's for the better...there are a thousand reasons why Dallas is better. I lived in Tulsa a few years ago, though. I miss it, but not enough to move back. Dallas is my home.

Being originally from Dallas myself, I completely understand. My sister just bought a house in Mansfield and it's making me want to move back.