Major MIL issue..advice needed - Page 3

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by eclipse

I understand why you're furious, and I, personally, wouldn't apologize to her for anything. What I would do, assuming she was going to be in my life, is just not talk about that specific incident again and be very alert and and at the first sign of her being disrespectful to me in the future, meet it with a "You are not allowed to talk to me/treat me like that. Please leave/I'm leaving." Don't count on her for help or support in anything - just be pleasant as long as she is respecting your boundaries - and those boundaries can certainly include not interfering with your discipline of your children or inserting herself into marital disagreements.

This is wonderful advice. Respectful distance. That's how I deal with a certain in-law. And now she knows not to cross that line.

[IntuitiveJamie]

All I have is my experience that allows me to have extreme empathy with you. All I will say about my story is I basically cut my MIL off for two years. She lives 10 minutes away, had some major boundary crossing issues and missed the first two years of her first Grandchild's life. It was an unbearable situation for everyone. I can't say who it was worse for; me, dh mil or our child. It sucked all the way around.
The only conclusion I finally could come to was to just let it go. Living and stewing in that anger and difficulty of uncomfortable visits and holidays (when we would go over), the strain on my marriage etc etc, just became not worth it. I didn't like who I was as this person waiting for this apology that was never going to happen (still hasn't 5 years later). I even found this on line forum that is all about tearing apart in laws and family members people don't get along with. That's how much I was sitting in a place of non forgiveness and anger. It was eating up my life.

I finally realized that my life was better served lived as a forgiving person. Not to say my MIL was right, but to realize, we live differently and I accept who she is as a person. I don't have to agree, I obviously need very strong boundaries, but she is allowed to be who she is. As much as I wanted an apology, it was never gonna happen and I knew it. In fact, I know she still blames me. But I just can't stay in that place anymore...for myself. It is not the kind of person I want to be, so relentlessly unforgiving. Needing something I was so obviously never going to get.

It took about a year to have any sort of trust again. Neither of us apologized, but we did small things to be kind to each other that were largely noticed. We both seemed to have an unspoken agreement to just finally let it go. But we were strengthening our boundaries at the same time.

So I think it is unfair for anyone here to say that you should apologize. I absolutely see where you are coming from, having just had a baby, a traumatizing birth experience, the hormones and everything. I get it and she needs to think outside of herself (your MIL) and think about her wrong doing. But I don't think that is going to happen. So might you just try to let it go and see if that is enough? Let it go in your heart and in your mind. You cannot control another person. You can only be the best you. And hopefully that is a kind and loving person that can accept and allow others to live as they are.

That's all I got. I hope there is something in there for you.

I really wish you the best. It was painful to read your story and I really get. If nothing else, I offer you that. ((BIG HUGS))

[mama*pisces]

IntuitiveJamie: Thank you.

[IntuitiveJamie]

It's turned out well in the end. Good solid boundaries and back to a good relationship. But I had to let the disagreement go, otherwise we'd still be in that awful spot 5 years later. That would suck.
She is who she is and I am who I am. It's life.

[mama*pisces]

Originally Posted by IntuitiveJamie

It's turned out well in the end. Good solid boundaries and back to a good relationship. But I had to let the disagreement go, otherwise we'd still be in that awful spot 5 years later. That would suck.
She is who she is and I am who I am. It's life.

That's great. It looks like that is what is happening over here too. She stopped by today(which I knew was happening ahead of time), and ended up actually really helping me out by hanging out with the kids while I was fixing dinner(new recipe which ended up being a lot more complicated than I thought! ).

Perhaps one reason that this all happened is that so I could learn to put firm boundaries in place for myself, and my family...

and perhaps, what I really needed is not so much an apology, but some true understanding, a BTDT and it's better now story. Thanks for that.

And thanks to the rest of you that weighed in on my situation, whether or not I liked your advice. This thread has helped me a lot...I still have that book coming from the library, and I'm sure that will help too, but I feel like I am mentally in a much better place now than I was when I posted this thread.

[Bebe's Mom]

Originally Posted by Tjej

I think that you can take ownership of the things you did that hurt her - yelling at your DH in front of her, sniping at her. Apologize for making her uncomfortable and being unkind in front of her, and for talking in an angry way to her. I think those are things you know you did and that you know hurt her.

As far as you not needing an apology - that's true, you don't NEED one, but you sure did go looking for one by starting a conversation with "you hurt me". I get that you were trying to clear the air, and if she would have just said "sorry for hurting you" it probably could have been over, but she didn't say that. So really you were looking for an apology, and now you know she isn't going to give one.

It isn't in your power to force her to apologize for all the crappy things she's done, so you can only take ownership of your own mistakes, apologize for them, and do your best to let go of your anger (praying helps me with that aspect).

I'm sorry you're in the spot you are in. FWIW I also think that your MIL should have been more understanding and apologetic (you had just had a baby!), but I'm not her and I can't apologize for her, so that's that.

Tjej

Yeah that