When someone asks your DC if they've been "good"

[acupuncturemomma]

What to do when someone asks your child if they've been "good"?!? Really bugs me. DD told our neighbor (adult) she wanted a bike for Christmas and he asked if she's been good. She said yes (I could tell she felt awkward.) Then he asked, "really good?" Again, she said yes. Then he said, "A good girl would have gotten off her friend's bike after the last lap since her mom asked her to!" (I had told her one more lap on the friend's bike and then we needed to get home. She, of course, was still riding around a bit since the adults were still gabbing.) Yuck!!!

The neighbor's DS then asked me if it was true that DD is always good--because I had said that she was. I then said, "Yes, I do believe that all children are inherently good." Guess i probably got my point across?!?

[MusicianDad]

Yuck is right.

I use the "kids are inherently good" with adults too if someone asks my oldest if she's been good.

[One_Girl]

When people ask my dd that I speak for her and say she is always good. If they comment on something she is doing I smile and say she is fine, being a normal energetic kid, or something similar to that.

[basje]

I wish I knew the solution for this too. I've noticed my mother making comments to my eight month old about "being a good girl." It totally makes me stiffen and I find it totally creepy. I've made comments about how children are always good but it doesn't seem to get my point across.

[grumpybear]

Thank goodness. I thought I was weird for being bothered by it.
My MIL who we see once a year at most, always asks this of my son whenever they talk on the phone. I hate it because there is inherent judgment to that question. She's the grandma. She should not be judging her grandkids.
Everytime my DS is asked that question he gets a puzzled look on his face because we've never really labelled him as good or bad so I'm not even sure if he gets the context of the question.

[St. Margaret]

I've been thinking about teaching DD to say something silly that would interrupt the judgment, like, "Good? I'm pheNOMenal!" because it does bug me when people ask this a lot around xmastime. My family is pretty good about avoiding it-- I tell people right off (family) that we don't say "good girl" and that sort of thing, and neighbors who say it or like at the park, I just overwrite it with "you did it!" or something, try to hint that we don't say it, if it's someone we'll see regularly.

[NiteNicole]

Ok, don't tell anyone but when someone asks my four year old that, she says, "Have YOU?" with a small bit of attitude. I may or may not have taught her that.

[St. Margaret]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

Ok, don't tell anyone but when someone asks my four year old that, she says, "Have YOU?" with a small bit of attitude. I may or may not have taught her that.

Love it!

[ChetMC]

I don't like it either. Mostly I let it go. It doesn't happen that often, and it doesn't seem to really register with any of our kids when people do say it. They don't seem to see it as a judgment on their self worth, just a silly thing that grown-ups say.

Grr.. I do really hate it when my in laws tell the kids to "be good for mommy". I just try not to roll my eyes. Usually the kids are too distracted about something else to even notice they've said it. It just represents attitudes that I don't believe in so it annoys me, I don't think it actually impacts the kids in a significant way.

I have pointed out to my mom that "good" is too vague to be useful. My mom has asked our kids to be good, and I have encouraged her to be a lot more specific about what she means. Our five year old is not able to extrapolate the term "good" into behaviour appropriate to the situation on her own. Once I pointed it out, my mom understood that it's better to say "please sit on your chair, use a quieter voice, use your fork, etc" rather than to just say "be good".

Our six year old can sort of read what people really mean when they say good. I do think that older children eventually tune in to what people really mean when they say stuff like this... are you corporative, helpful, kind, responsible, etc. Hopefully most kids transition from just ignoring the comment to understanding what people really mean by it.

I have encouraged our girls to consider the question "are you being good" the same as "our you cooperating" where our family definition of cooperation is "working together to get an important job done".

[jeteaa]

sometimes I thing we just need to redefine the term "good". Its used in songs....
All the stamps on by kids papers say "good job", it is a term engraved in most peoples minds... PEOPLE DON'T MEAN ANY HARM using the term. And I truly don't think kids grow up to think they are BAD if they are not "good".

[bodhitree]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

sometimes I thing we just need to redefine the term "good". Its used in songs....
All the stamps on by kids papers say "good job", it is a term engraved in most peoples minds... PEOPLE DON'T MEAN ANY HARM using the term. And I truly don't think kids grow up to think they are BAD if they are not "good".

Just because it's used all the time doesn't mean it's okay. And of course people don't mean any harm by it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't cause any harm. I personally was damaged by the idea that was communicated to me growing up that I could fall into one of two categories: "good," if I was doing everything right or at least everything the way my parents expected of me, or the implied "bad" if I was failing to do so. And now I see it being passed on to the next generation: my 5yo nephew got in trouble for doing something he shouldn't have done, and he protested in a sad little voice, "But I'm a good person!" Because in his mind, he has been taught that he can only qualify as "good" if he is behaving the way the adults want him to. I think that's horrible, personally.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

sometimes I thing we just need to redefine the term "good". Its used in songs....
All the stamps on by kids papers say "good job", it is a term engraved in most peoples minds... PEOPLE DON'T MEAN ANY HARM using the term. And I truly don't think kids grow up to think they are BAD if they are not "good".

I tend to agree that most people don't have any ill intention when they ask a kid if they've been good, and I try to mostly act based on intention rather than the specific words that are said. I let the generic "Have you been good this year" comment go, especially when said in reference to Christmas.

That said, the neighbor guy in the OP kept it up a bit long, IMO -- there was no need to hammer the point home three times or mention anything about the bike. He was basically saying, "No you aren't good and here's why" by that point -- I'd have been annoyed too.

[NiteNicole]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

sometimes I thing we just need to redefine the term "good". Its used in songs....
All the stamps on by kids papers say "good job", it is a term engraved in most peoples minds... PEOPLE DON'T MEAN ANY HARM using the term. And I truly don't think kids grow up to think they are BAD if they are not "good".

For the most part, I agree with you. I don't even get super upset with "be sweet for Mommy" or "be good for Mommy" - my mom is the only one who ever says anything like that and I know it's just a thing she says.

I am a bit sensitive about it because of all the "she's just not a good baby" and "is she a good baby" kind of comments I got when she was a newborn. She cried all the time, she threw up, she never slept, it was a very HARD year and I constantly heard that she wasn't a good baby, that maybe my next one would be a good baby. Sorry you got a bad baby. Ugh. Again, I know what people were really saying was she wasn't EASY. And she wasn't. Easy to love, but not an easy baby. As a new mom, it was hard to see other moms with newborns in slings, going on with their lives, doing things, etc, when I was covered in vomit and holding a screaming wild cat 24/7. I KNOW it's my own sensitivity that responds to "have you been a good girl."

But some people really are trying to be manipulative and/or snotty. They're trying to back a kid into a situation where they have to admit that no, in fact, they're not "being a good girl." In the OP's example, that guy had an agenda. He clearly wanted to be able to tell her she wasn't being a good girl, and either embarrass her or shame her into admitting it. That is not cool.

My daughter is also a bit of a people pleaser. She wants other people, children and adults, to like her. A lot. This worries me. A lot. For myself, as a child I let people walk on me and made some bad choices just trying to keep everyone's approval. I gave up a lot of things that I really wanted just to keep the peace. When random adults ask her if she's been a good girl, I know it's just (for the most part) them making conversation but at the same time, I feel like I need to teach my daughter that "good" doesn't have to mean complacent pushover. And that is my own issue.

[ssh]

It hasn't come up, but I would interrupt the conversation saying "we use the word good to mean intrinsic value, all children are good. Bad people steal stuff, hurt people on purpose or kill people, so none of our family are bad people.". I would interrupt anyone trying to grill my DD on her behavior or her value.

My DD is a people pleaser kind of kid too and would be very upset if some one told her she was bad. We have worked on teaching her how to stick up for herself, tell people "NO!" and "Stop!" if they are rude.

[shanniesue2]

when we're with my ILs (not very often b/c they live a 15 hour drive from us), we hear a lot of "good boys." Especially for meal time things like eating all his food or using his fork or something equally trivial. If I'm around, my response is, "awww.... yeah...he would be a good boy even if he didn't eat all his food." I usually try to say it in a really adoring, sweet tone of voice so that it doesn't sound catty. I guess that's kind of passive agressive of me, though. But I mostly say it for DS's benefit. Because I want him to learn that I think he's good no matter what his behavior is (although in terms of food, I'm not sure why I get that it makes someone good to eat all their food or to use silverware).

[EdnaMarie]

I believe that all people are sort of morally neutral and it's their actions that are good or bad, and that we all make good and bad choices. So if people ask me, I tell them to ask her, she knows what she's been up to! LOL

I don't think I or my kids are good. I also don't think stbx/separated dh is "bad" or "good". We're just people.

When people ask that, they don't mean, "Are you intrinsically good and worth loving?"

They mean, "Have you been doing good things?"

If you want a comeback to highlight the judgment, what about, "Enough about us. What have YOU been up to?"

children are always good

My mom used to say that to me, and I used to think she was just lying to manipulate me.

I wondered if she really didn't know I was capable of lying, cheating, or hating my sister with a passion.

Children do thinks that are morally wrong. Period. Babies don't, but small children do try to deceive sometimes. Maybe they learn it from an imperfect world, maybe it's genetic. Hard to tell. But I think it's disingenuous to pretend it's not so, and frankly, it doesn't help the child.

The child knows when they are doing something wrong and that doesn't deserve praise!

[BarnMomma]

Whenever this sort of thing comes up, we rephrase with "ggod behavior."

If MIL says(ugh) "you're a good/bad boy..."

I always cut in and say, "Yes, you've had good behavior or true, honey, I think x,y,z is bad behavior"

We use the behavior distinction often.

With my baby, if people ask if she's a good baby (gag) I always say "all babies are good- look how sweet! How could they not be? But yes she's a very agreeable baby."

[Smokering]

Well, we're Calvinists, so when Mum got sick of "Is she a GOOD baby?"-type questions she'd reply automatically "There is none good".

What bugs me is when DD gets told by strangers that she's being good when they've only been watching her for two seconds. What do they mean - not actively throwing a tantrum? I mean, yes, she usually is being good (or at least nondisruptive, when we get comments), and I'll tell her periodically when we're out that I like how nicely she's walking with Mummy, or whatever - but she doesn't need to hear that walking around a mall is some kind of supervirtue every ten minutes, you know?

[meemee]

*shrug* it doesnt bother me. we've had it happen maybe a couple of times.

during those times i felt the stress wasnt on is my dd good. but more like why dont you be a good girl and help your mother. so they were trying to be helpful. their way of support for a single mom. which i didnt mind. i didnt challenge or say anything to the person because i knew dd would be watching me and my reaction is her biggest key.

however dd has always been brought up to speak her mind politely. and she does speak up. in fact she did it much better when she was younger. now she is much more shyer.

good girl rolls of her back. she knows she is being asked to do something. she gets good job from everywhere. when she was 5 she loved telling me 'good job' mommy. then she went thru the phase of 'tell me 'good job' mommy'. so i would tell her well tell me what you think. did you give it your best shot. are you happy with the result? well then should "I" be saying good job or should you?

i know most people mean well. i know they try to be helpful. i dont usually take words at their face value.

however i have never had a friend or an acquaintance say it. they are far more direct about it.

[Oubliette8]

Originally Posted by bodhitree

Just because it's used all the time doesn't mean it's okay. And of course people don't mean any harm by it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't cause any harm. I personally was damaged by the idea that was communicated to me growing up that I could fall into one of two categories: "good," if I was doing everything right or at least everything the way my parents expected of me, or the implied "bad" if I was failing to do so. And now I see it being passed on to the next generation: my 5yo nephew got in trouble for doing something he shouldn't have done, and he protested in a sad little voice, "But I'm a good person!" Because in his mind, he has been taught that he can only qualify as "good" if he is behaving the way the adults want him to. I think that's horrible, personally.

Thanks. I have trouble with this too. I'm sure maybe most kids don't grow up to have issues if the concept is used sparingly. But under some circumstances, yeah, kids DO grow up to have good/bad issues. This is something that comes up often for me- if I'm doing something that doesn't please other people then I'm "bad" and need to try harder to be "good" Even if whatever is displeasing is a skill others would appreciate in adults. Like, if I stand up for myself and someone gets mad then I'm "bad" even if I'm entirely justified. Those kind of issues probably don't come from just one or two instances, but I don't think that its the correct message to be sending to kids.