When someone asks your DC if they've been "good" - Page 2

[ssh]

I do feel children are inherently good. When we talk about behavior with our almost 5 year old DD we talk about choices and choosing things that are good ideas or bad ideas. A person isn't their behavior because behavior is a new choice all the time. I have talked with DD about choosing behavior that matches the kind of person she wants to be. For example behaviors can be rude, helpful, grumpy, or friendly, and everyone has all sorts of behaviors, but we can choose behaviors that express the kind of person we are or want to be. No ones perfect and we don't judge people on a one time annoying behavior. I have told her that there are people who have chosen to be bad people and those people are dangerous.

I don't care about other people saying 'good job'. We use the term for actual work. For example, "thanks, you did a good job dusting it looks really nice." It's not an artificial kind of kids only thing. I thank my DH when he does stuff around the house and he thanks me for doing stuff too.

[childsplay]

I don't like the question, it's unfair to the kids and really puts them on the spot. (my kids anyway who, while I do believe are good by nature, can be downright devilish sometimes...or often because they're kids, no biggie) I've never had this question asked to my kids when they were actually BEING GOOD, always they've done something 'bad' and the person (adult) has witnessed it.

Most of the time they just shrug and get uncomfortable when they're asked, because usually they've just finished smacking/kicking/wrestling each other, breaking something or peeing somewhere they shouldn't be peeing.
So, this 'have you been good' question in our experience is used to make them feel like they did something 'bad' - which they most likely did, but why not just call them on it? Why hide behind the 'have you been good' only to reveal two minutes later as the child is uncomfortable and weirded out that the person witnessed the 'bad' behavior?
Why not just say 'look kid, don't pee on my rosebush, ok?' or 'hey, I saw you punch your brother, don't let it happen again' ??

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

Ok, don't tell anyone but when someone asks my four year old that, she says, "Have YOU?" with a small bit of attitude. I may or may not have taught her that.

Love that! Totally Awesome!!!

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

Ok, don't tell anyone but when someone asks my four year old that, she says, "Have YOU?" with a small bit of attitude. I may or may not have taught her that.

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

Children do thinks that are morally wrong. Period. Babies don't, but small children do try to deceive sometimes. Maybe they learn it from an imperfect world, maybe it's genetic. Hard to tell. But I think it's disingenuous to pretend it's not so, and frankly, it doesn't help the child.

The child knows when they are doing something wrong and that doesn't deserve praise!

I don't disagree with you about the actual behaviors and whether they're bad or good (and maybe my thoughts on this come from having an incredibly sensitive and negative 6yo--bad enough that we're considering therapy for him)... but I DO like to take the focus off the person and place it on the actions. I absolutely call him out on his mischief, but I focus on the act and not on him as a person. So I'm not praising his deceptions, but I'm also not vilifying him as a whole for his trials and tribulations learning what is acceptable behavior as a normal course of growing up.

[EdnaMarie]

Heather, I completely agree with you, but I think re-framing the question as a question about actions is more useful than focusing on what it *might* mean (E.g. Are you an intrinsically good person or an intrinsically bad person, as evidenced by your actions over a specific time period? Which I agree is a silly one).

Several people here mentioned that they DO think all children are good, and I was partially adding my 2c on that point.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

I feel like I need to teach my daughter that "good" doesn't have to mean complacent pushover. And that is my own issue.

Excellent point.

Originally Posted by childsplay

I don't like the question, it's unfair to the kids and really puts them on the spot....

why not just call them on it? Why hide behind the 'have you been good' only to reveal two minutes later as the child is uncomfortable and weirded out that the person witnessed the 'bad' behavior?
Why not just say 'look kid, don't pee on my rosebush, ok?' or 'hey, I saw you punch your brother, don't let it happen again' ??

Oh, I totally agree. It's up there with asking "Did you steal the cookie from the cookie jar?" when you already know they did. What's the point of asking? It just sets them to be tempted to lie.

And yes, weirded out is a good way to put it. I remember being asked if I'd been good. The question threw me for a loop. Huh? Is this a trick question? I think I've been good. Do you know something I don't know??

[InMediasRes]

I hate it. But I think my reaction is really averse because the good/bad binary was used in an emotionally abusive way when I was a kid. I still struggle with self-worth because of this very thing.

So yeah, I get peeved when people ask. Especially my parents. And they ask a lot, and say "good boy/girl" a lot too. The first time my dad did it, I said, "Dad, he's not a dog, okay?" He hasn't done it much since.

I also think it's ridiculous that it's not very specific. I never knew what the "right" answer to that question was supposed to be as a kid. If you answer yes, you are lying (at least, based on the definition of "good" in my house growing up) and if you answer no, then you set yourself up for criticism.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by acupuncturemomma

Then he said, "A good girl would have gotten off her friend's bike after the last lap since her mom asked her to!"

Your neighbor was setting your DD up for a verbal smackdown.

[MariaMadly]

Got the penetrating "Is he a GOOD baby?" from an elderly lady in a store when DS1 was an infant. "He's a VERY good baby -- he lets me know exactly what he needs."

Wish I'd heard about "Have YOU?" sooner!!!

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by gcgirl

Your neighbor was setting your DD up for a verbal smackdown.

I do think some people make these statements for 2 reasons: 1. to "help" the parent get more listening out of a kid by being another helpful voice and 2. to send mommy a message that she let something go.

I think 1. can be okay, number two is backhanded and not helpful. If that person has something to say to mom, they should say it.

And I TOTALLY agree with what Edna Marie was saying. We talk to our kids about having a good, honest character and use the golden rule, but we don't want them to think if they make any tiny selfish mistake that they are useless and a bad person. Striving to be the best you can be is a great goal but perfection isn't.

[hildare]

this all just makes me think.. ewwwwww.
we aren't going to pretend about santa, either, so i guess i need to prepare dd with some snappy comebacks to that question as some of you suggest
and.. i don't buy into the whole 'good' or 'bad' person thing. that is a dichotomy that doesn't really exist in the real world. only in poorly written novels.