What to do if you think he's lying.

[Red Cape]

I just talked on the phone with my ex. We've been amicably separated for 5 months now, after a 15 year marriage. Right away he started dating, and has recently taken a long distant trip for 5 days away to see a woman. My grief, especially since this last relationship of his, has gone from understandably rough to more like grief stricken, to the point where I don't know what I'm doing here, what I want in life, why we couldn't work it out, those kinds of thoughts... regretful. I know that this can be a normal part of grieving, but ick.

So recently on the phone, he told me that he was planning a trip to Mexico, either with a mutual friend of ours, or alone. I started to get a funny feeling in my belly, and thought he sounded like he felt a little guilty about something. It is a far too familiar feeling in our relationship, and one that we/I can never really get to the bottom of. So with my button significantly pushed I asked if he was lying. Immediately I wished I hadn't said it. Of course he said "no" and proceeded to tell me how he had broken it off with her (interesting how he jumped to her). I guess he knew what/who I was referring to. I responded by saying that I just needed to know what direction the relationship was moving in so that I could be prepared for whatever. Oops again. Nothing seemed to be coming out right. I know that we are not together, and that I really have no right to monitor/approve his relations.

I just don't quite know how to move on with my own life no matter what he might choose to do. I'm hurting so much sometimes that I think I couldn't bare another level of sadness, and want to brace myself for the worst.

He's never been the type to admit to any lies or wrongdoing anyway, so I am left to wonder, is he lying or not? Is he maybe just feeling guilty about my not being able to come, or our son not going, or that he wants to take some time to himself, or that he is going to go with her, or maybe he isn't feeling guilty at all and that it is something else. It really doesn't matter.

What matters is how I go on with my life regardless. I mean, you can't make a person not lie, or tell the truth if they don't want to. And you can't ever really know if they were lying or not. You only have your gut feelings to rely on and reflect on.

Any thing that you do that helps you to go on regardless? I'd love to have a few of these in my toolbelt.

[daisymama12]

I don't have any strategies or suggestions, but wanted to say that it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on the situation. You know that you can't change him, and that you need to move on, and that the sadness you're feeling is normal.

After a while, I suspect it will be a relief to know that you don't have to be at the worrying end of his lies, or half-truths. It may take a while to get there, but the day will come, and it will feel great.

I'm really sorry you're going through a hard time!
The only suggestion I do have is to focus on your well-being as much as possible, and your son's. I'm not great at this, but do what makes you feel good; watch movies that make you laugh, go see friends, get outside, take a long bath with a cup of tea and a book, etc. Distractions are not a bad thing while you wait to feel better.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by Red Cape

He's never been the type to admit to any lies or wrongdoing anyway, so I am left to wonder, is he lying or not? Is he maybe just feeling guilty about my not being able to come, or our son not going, or that he wants to take some time to himself, or that he is going to go with her, or maybe he isn't feeling guilty at all and that it is something else. It really doesn't matter.

What matters is how I go on with my life regardless. I mean, you can't make a person not lie, or tell the truth if they don't want to. And you can't ever really know if they were lying or not. You only have your gut feelings to rely on and reflect on.

Any thing that you do that helps you to go on regardless? I'd love to have a few of these in my toolbelt.

I think you should tell him that.

I am sorry your husband is having affairs, too. That has to hurt. I would tell him how much he has and is hurting you and then have a plan to extit the conversation if he becomes defensive or hostile.



I hope good things for you.

ETA: BTW, there is a really good book entitled BOLE LOVE. It talks about some of the things you are asking about more specifically.