Worried about telling DH I'm pregnant **update**post 15

[tracymom1]

Oy, mamas, this is a tough one for me. DH and I just had a big, long, tear-filled discussion a month ago about how we just can't have another baby right now. Financially, we are just not in a good place and can't afford to buy a bigger vehicle, another carseat, etc... not to mention that we do not have maternity coverage with our insurance right now and we would have to pay for everything out of pocket.

Alas, the BFP came this morning, 11 days DPO and I just knew it would be positive.

As soon as I saw the line, I made a vow to myself and this baby that I would allow nothing but loving, positive feelings to surround this miracle. I am truly overjoyed! I want to rejoice and share my excitement with DH, but I know he will be less than enthused. He will be downright angry. He will say things he will later regret and he will take out his anger on me. I know him, and I know he will think this is my "fault" because I expressed interest in having another baby, even though we use condoms for birth control and CLEARLY it's his penis that did not have one covering it at the time of conception. He will place the blame on me. This is something that happens fairly often in our relationship - I am usually the one who makes all the mistakes so we always tend to fall into this pattern of blame.

Anyways, has anyone else out there been in a similar situation? I guess I am just looking for a little support. I am feeling a little scared

[EdnaMarie]

In terms of blame, I have been there, but not in terms of babies. It sucks to be in that situation and I'm so sorry you are there.

[dakotablue]

I am sorry

Is there a way you could write him a letter or note and tell him to talk to you when he's ready? So then its not a blow out. Or txt or something that gives him time to process? Maybe at a time when you are unavailable to talk for a bit.

That's all I can think of.

This baby will be loved.

[Smokering]

Definitely don't frame it as "I'm pregnant". I mean, yes, you are. But as you say, HE helped make it happen! So I'd tell him in a way that made that very clear - something like "Honey, it looks like our plans got changed for us. Remember that night you didn't use a condom? Well, it looks like we're having another baby after all. I know it's bad timing, but I guess it was meant to be"... or whatever.

It's OK if he takes a while to get excited about it, but it is NOT OK for him to blame you or accuse you of anything. You need to call him on it if he does - and perhaps point out that as the one who has to carry and bear the child, you have the greater right to be aggrieved, not him.

Also, congratulations!

[ceriserenee]

I have not had any experience with this, but I am keeping you in my thoughts. I hope that although he didn't think he wanted this, that the thought of another child will melt his heart and he will be happy in the long run!

Cerise

[roslyn]

I thought my husband would have a similar reaction. We're still getting back on our feet after he lost his job two years ago. We had to move to a more expensive city and I haven't been able to find a job. So when I got the BFP I was literally on the bathroom floor sobbing my eyes out. I just knew he would say we couldn't do it. Surprisingly he was delighted. Yeah, it's going to be hard. Fortunately we do have a van and will be able to borrow some things from a friend who had her last of four last year, but still it's difficult. We were able to get Medicaid and WIC and that's helped tremendously. Maybe there's some type of assistance you can get as well. I would probably look into any ways to offset the costs then be able to present it to him when you break the news. Frankly if my husband were to start blaming me, I would just end the conversation right there. Presumably if he really didn't want anymore children he could've had a vasectomy. They're cheap one-day surgery.

[starbyfar7]

ugh.. im so sorry that you're going through this.

since you already know the main issues you both had regarding another child.. maybe you could start brainstorming solutions.. this way.. when you break the news, you can atleast offer up a few suggestion about how you guys can start planning. maybe you can even write this all up.. it probably won't make it perfect, but its a start. its something you guys will have to do anyway

[earthmama369]

Originally Posted by Smokering

Definitely don't frame it as "I'm pregnant". I mean, yes, you are. But as you say, HE helped make it happen! So I'd tell him in a way that made that very clear - something like "Honey, it looks like our plans got changed for us. Remember that night you didn't use a condom? Well, it looks like we're having another baby after all. I know it's bad timing, but I guess it was meant to be"... or whatever.

It's OK if he takes a while to get excited about it, but it is NOT OK for him to blame you or accuse you of anything. You need to call him on it if he does - and perhaps point out that as the one who has to carry and bear the child, you have the greater right to be aggrieved, not him.

Also, congratulations!

Smokering has the wise. I really like this approach. It starts the conversation as you mean to go on.

[tracymom1]

There is a huge chance I am overreacting - I know DH has an immense capacity for compassion and LOVES being a father more than anything else. Our relationship has had its ups and downs over the past couple of years but we know that our family is the most important thing to us. I know that he will probably be upset at first but then ease into the idea of another baby. This will make 3 babies all less than 2 years apart! I'm getting tired just thinking about it!

[Dancinmommy]

Well first of all congrats. secondly i see you are in Chicago-would you qualify for ALLKIDS? thats what we had to do in order to get maternity coverage. Luckily my MW accepts it. good luck hunny-hope he takes it well.

[spatulagirl]

Hugs Mama, what a tough situation.

When I thought I was pregnant with #4, I was afraid to talk to DH about it for fear that he would FREAK out. We have a great relationship and he is an amazing father, but he did not want any more children. He was finished completely. It took me a few years to get him to agree to #3 and counted myself lucky for getting a third kid.

I started off by telling him my period was late. I hadn't tested yet and didn't know for sure, but I suspected I was pregnant (this was a white lie as I totally knew I was pregnant but thought I would ease him into it). He took it really well and asked me to test asap. I did, it was positive and then we just didn't talk about it for a few weeks as we both digested the news. Then he was cool with it. Not excited, but cool.

I am about halfway done and he is excited and has been so supportive this pregnancy, which has been rougher than the others.

[jee'smom]

when i got pg with #3, i knew dh didn't want anymore (but he won't get the V- roll eyes...). so when i told him, i didn't expect a great reaction. he dropped the test on the floor, and walked away. about 10 mins later, he came back and hugged me. but didn't talk to me all night. at 2am he came to bed and said "i think this is God's testimony to how he feels about you as a mother, to give you another." we hugged, and he was fine. he just needed time to proces... good luck honey! (although i really think that if he gets me pg again, he'd take scissors and cut his own vas deferens!!! LOL!!!)

[katroshka]

Hopefully you are just overreacting.... When I found out I was pregnant I had all these crazy things going through my head about how dh would react. I have two kids from my previous marriage that dh parents with me (bio dad is deceased), he has some health issues he was afraid of passing on, and money is tight (we're fine, but not exactly rolling in it and we too will need to buy a van, and think about buying a larger house in the next couple of years, and I'm in school and now it'll take me forever to finish- oh my god, don't want to even think about that). Anyway, I had NO idea how he would react, but he is the sweetest guy on earth and I feel really silly now for being so worried. I was so nervous telling him, my heart was pounding like crazy- then I told him, he sat there in stunned silence for a full minute or so, then he asked how far along and the due date, made a joke: "Guess it's too late to get that vasectomy!" then asked where I wanted to go out for dinner to celebrate the following night. He has little moments where he's like, "Holy crap, a baby???" but those are way fewer now and he is really excited.

Update us, please! I really hope things go better than you think!

[Kelilah]

You might just be hormonal, I agree. The first time I got pregnant (last year - I miscarried), I found out while my husband was out of town on business, and I freaked over how to tell him. I kept it to myself for a week until he came home, and during that week I was so afraid (of what, I don't know). I had horrible nightmares every night where he was beating me, punching me and screaming and calling me all these horrible names. I should point out that in real life, my husband is 100% supportive, extremely loving, and we never fight. It was crazy, all this violence and fear that I was living with.

What actually happened when I told him? He took a second to process it, asked for a drink, then kissed me and told me how happy he was. I still don't know what I was afraid of!

[tracymom1]

Update:
So as it turns out, I was TOTALLY overreacting!! DH is very happy and excited to be adding to our family. It will be hard for a while - especially financially, but I know we can make it. We have a wonderful, supportive extended family and friends! Thank you all for your support!

[babyjelly]

So glad to hear it! Congrats!
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[earthmama369]

That's a great update! Congratulations!

[Melly24]

Awesome update! Congratulations

[Blanca78]

So happy for you!

[katroshka]

Yay! Haha, it's funny how many of us seem to get so worried about telling our partners for no reason!