Please calm me down, stressing over foreign IL's possibly coming to stay at end of pregnancy/birth!

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

I wasn't sure if i should post this here or the Multicultural forum, but since some people may be going through this whether their IL's are foreign or not, and we all can relate to the pregnancy hormones making us get more anxious than normal than i thought i would post here.

I know i am only 13 weeks but the day i got my BFP, dh said we should have his parents come here when we're having the baby. My IL's are nice people, but I am kind of quiet and keep to myself and the thought of having them in my home while I labor (prior to the hospital) is really horrifying me. Plus I had supply problems with my ds and had to supplement and was pumping 6x's a day and I just want there to be little added stress when i bring the baby home at least for the first week or two. And my MIL is a very good natured person but she doesn't speak english and talks really loud and the whole time we visited India, i know my blood pressure was raised because of her loud yelling voice and ds who was 2 1/2 at the time was a bit scared of her. FIL is pretty easy going and speaks English, but I know he will need to be fed and MIL is vegetarian and only cooks Indian and I don't know if I only want to eat spicy Indian food right after I give birth. I like it, and cook it often in our home, but I want to be able to eat eggs if i want kwim?

My dh is kind of controlling when it comes to his parents, and as far as their visit, i don't know if i can convince him to postpone it until after the baby is at least 1 week old. Don't get me wrong I like my IL's, I just am worried about my needs especially during the labor and after we get home from the hospital. How should I go about this? I know that dh is just thinking that they are going to be so much help, and they will be in their own way, but i just don't want to feel uncomfortable in my own home during such an already stressful time in my life.

TIA

[amaayeh]

I can relate. I would say that you need to have a good talk with your dh first. Tell her all your feelings and fears and that this birth really isn't about his parents, but about your family. I think you might feel much better if you felt like he was on your side and would help run 'interference' if need be since you will be emotional and tired. If he's anything like mine, probably none of it will work and you will end up having to defend yourself and what you want, which is really fine. You can do it and most likely it won't be the end of the world. I say this, knowing that I will be facing the same thing when I tell the ILs in a few weeks. It's about boundaries and sometimes we are the only ones that make them.

[zinemama]

Having his parents come after the birth sounds like a good compromise. Doesn't he remember all the supply problem stress the last time? Doesn't he want you to be as stress-free as possible this time around? Your needs come first here.

Tell your dh that you totally agree that the ILs will be a big help, but that you would appreciate that help so much more once you have gotten a good start with the baby.

[dejagerw]

Also, something to think about, if they were planning on coming at the end of your pregnancy, you could go overdue. So either they'd miss the baby, or be there for weeks and weeks. I think that's even more of a reason to try to convince them to come after the baby is born. Good luck!

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Having his parents come after the birth sounds like a good compromise. Doesn't he remember all the supply problem stress the last time? Doesn't he want you to be as stress-free as possible this time around? Your needs come first here.

Tell your dh that you totally agree that the ILs will be a big help, but that you would appreciate that help so much more once you have gotten a good start with the baby.

I think his idea is that they will be there totally to help, last time around dh literally freaked out on me because ds was crying at night, so he thinks that them being there will prevent himself from getting frustrated. I do know that i may have possible breast hypoplasia, and I am very prepared this time around, so that will not be the issue whether his parents are here or not, I am more experienced and know what to look for as far as failure to thrive. His mom isn't going to be much help in the breastfeeding area, as we can't even communicate.

Originally Posted by dejagerw

Also, something to think about, if they were planning on coming at the end of your pregnancy, you could go overdue. So either they'd miss the baby, or be there for weeks and weeks. I think that's even more of a reason to try to convince them to come after the baby is born. Good luck!

Dh wants them here for probably 6-8 weeks so it will be a long visit where they probably won't miss the birth at all.

And as far as dh is concerned, he really isn't going to be much help with them here or not, my 4 y/o ds is more helpful and knows how to start the laundry machine, dh does not.

I asked him if he is going to take any time off, he said maybe 1 week, meanwhile I will be with a new baby, ds and his parents for probably 7 other weeks while dh works 5 days a week from 9 to 8 most days. While FIL speaks english it is a very thick accent that i have trouble sometimes understanding. It is frustrating. I am also one of those people who likes to take care of guests and have the house cleaned etc when they visit, so just knowing that i will be very uncapable during this visit is upsetting me as well. I mean I will deal if I have to, I just hope dh will let me have some say in this matter.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Originally Posted by amaayeh

I can relate. I would say that you need to have a good talk with your dh first. Tell her all your feelings and fears and that this birth really isn't about his parents, but about your family. I think you might feel much better if you felt like he was on your side and would help run 'interference' if need be since you will be emotional and tired. If he's anything like mine, probably none of it will work and you will end up having to defend yourself and what you want, which is really fine. You can do it and most likely it won't be the end of the world. I say this, knowing that I will be facing the same thing when I tell the ILs in a few weeks. It's about boundaries and sometimes we are the only ones that make them.

that's the thing he won't even be around much since he will be working, which also worries me. At this point I imagine I will just be keeping myself in my room for most of their stay, when i was in india, that's what i mostly did was stay in the room we were staying in. I also worry about them having jet lag and possibly falling ill. It could end up being pretty stressful with them not sleeping well, getting ill from new surroundings and me about to pop and going into labor. Now I just need a tv or something in my room or I am going to get bored.

Another thing I'll admit, I was a little selfish with ds when he was tiny, I didn't want people around holding him and I just wanted to take care of him myself, I never let the nurses even change his diaper in the hospital. I imagine I will be similar, but not as bad this time around.

[ceriserenee]

I had the same situation with my IL's when my DD was born. They were supposedly there to help me recover from my C-section, but they were loud and messy and I could not communicate very well with them. They are from Peru. Anyway, I mostly tried to spend as much time as possible in my bedroom with the door shut and they did a lot of shopping. My Dh and I got into a huge fight at the end...

This time, I am going to be flying to Peru to give birth, so I will be on their turf. However, I had a really good heart to heart with my DH and asked him how it would be if we went to live with my parents after the baby was born, how he would feel being there and having them telling him what to do all the time. He seemed to understand better, but I was very cautious about putting his parents down. I talked more about how I felt/feel and less about how they act. This seemed to go over better than the first conversation we had about it and he is much more supportive this pregnancy about keeping me comfortable and respecting my wishes, than what they will think about him.

Hope it helps and I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

Cerise

[amaayeh]

Originally Posted by ILoveMyBabyBird

that's the thing he won't even be around much since he will be working, which also worries me. At this point I imagine I will just be keeping myself in my room for most of their stay, when i was in india, that's what i mostly did was stay in the room we were staying in. I also worry about them having jet lag and possibly falling ill. It could end up being pretty stressful with them not sleeping well, getting ill from new surroundings and me about to pop and going into labor. Now I just need a tv or something in my room or I am going to get bored.

Another thing I'll admit, I was a little selfish with ds when he was tiny, I didn't want people around holding him and I just wanted to take care of him myself, I never let the nurses even change his diaper in the hospital. I imagine I will be similar, but not as bad this time around.

I'm really sorry that he will be working so much and won't be there to help with his parents. That's honestly not fair at all. I understand that they want to come for an extended amount of time because they are traveling so far, but seriously, I would push for some kind of compromise here. Are there any other people in his family that could 'occupy' them? I'm exactly the same way when they are newborns...they just came out of me and they are MINE! I can't help it and I won't compromise on that. One GREAT thing is that you can say how much skin to skin time you need with the baby to promote breastfeeding.

I really hate for you to stay in your room for 8 weeks. That sounds stressful in and of itself. Not being able to be comfortable in your own home? Is there any way to talk to dh about this?? I know it is so hard when it comes to boys and their mommies and I know mine wouldn't cross his parents until our second was 6 months old and they had yet to meet her...that was honestly the thing that did it. He was so angry about that he finally spoke his mind. I would hate for you guys to go through the same thing! I hope you can talk to him and come up with some kind of solution.

[Blanca78]

Ugh, sounds really stressful. I don't have any advice from my own experience. I wonder, though, if they do have to be there for the birth itself, would it be possible for them to stay in a hotel, at least for that first week or so, so you could have a quiet space to yourself? Maybe you could even look into finding them a temporary sublet or something while they're there, if that is financially feasible. It sounds like you will really need your own space as much as possible. I agree with the previous poster who said your needs come first. If you are less stressed out and feel like some of your needs are being respected, the visit will be much happier.

I also wonder if your DH would be willing/able to take more time off from work. I understand why it would be important to him to have his parents there, but it seems like a lot to ask you to host in-laws with a brand new baby, let alone with the communication barriers.

Sorry you have to be thinking about this when you should be getting to enjoy the second trimester! I know my in-laws stress me out enough, let alone the prospect of them coming for such a long visit.

In the end, I'm sure it will work out, but I agree that working with DH to make your needs and worries clear is important. I bet in the end it won't be as stressful as you feel it to be now, at least that's how these things usually work with me, but you're wise to be planning and anticipating now.

[krizzanne]

I am sorry you have all these family issues to deal with and juggle - it is so difficult, especially with the overwhelming event of giving birth.

I wonder if you could look at it from a different perspective, that would help make the situation easier for you? I do not know all the details (of course) so this may NOT be possible, but consider this:

As American Women, we are brought up in nuclear families and taught to be very independant. Our idea of having a house is that it is ours, and we should be in control of what happens in it.
In other cultures such as India and South America most women grow up in very large extended families where the women help each other. When women have babies, they are expected to do NOTHING, except recover and let everyone around them help them. These traditional societies are so much more nurturing as a culture than we are here.

The reason I am saying this is because I have changed so much from when I had my first child and I was worried about taking care of my IL's (from Colombia) and how they would get along with my family (all in one house - unable to speak the same language) and it was incredibly stressful. With each child I have 'let it go' -- realizing that they are visiting to be a part of this monumental event and want to support me with love and their presence--My job is not to take care of them - and they do not expect me to take care of them, and the rest just works itself out...does that make sense?
Oh, I found that my American family was more work than my IL's, once I took a step back and looked at the situation!

Sorry if that isn't any help, good luck with it all!

[Redheadnurse]

In-law's

I hear you on the stress factor...my partner and I have made a "no overnight guest" rule for when the baby comes, specifically to make sure our parents don't stay in the house! But that being said, I work with several people from India and all of them have had their parents/in-laws come out for a long visit after the birth of a baby. It seems that this is expected and important in the family structure.

Do you know what your in-laws' cultural expectations are? Like another poster has said, maybe you aren't expected to have a clean house or be hospitable at all...perhaps the expectation is that you do next-to-nothing other than accept help? In that case, is it possible that your husband could talk to them and explain that there are certain things that are very important to you (like being able to cook your own meals at certain times) or having some quiet time in the house? Or maybe he could explain to you more clearly exactly what your MIL/FIL are expecting to do while they are in your home? Sometimes knowing the motivation behind people's actions is helpful.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

I attempted to ask dh a question about their stay today and he made some rude comment about it, and that is when i finally realized, it is not them coming to visit that I am upset about, it is dh's attitude about them and me that angers me. Anytime I bring up them visiting he goes in the defensive, and I straight up told him it is not their visit that is the problem it is him. While dh's parents see us as family even though I am not Indian, dh still looks at me separate from his Indian family. I know they care about me, they were very nice when we visited there even with language difficulties, so now I am just mad at dh because of how he is treating me about their visit. I straight up told him that i think they will be helpful, but that doesn't mean i won't feel uncomfortable, kwim? And I can get over the uncomfortable feelings and fil especially will be helpful in spending time with ds, i think it all stems down to dh's attitude and the fact that he wants them to stay the maximum amount of time 2- 3 months he said today, and I was thinking maybe 2 months tops.

Also a lot of my fears stems from our visit there, because while they were nice, it was extremely boring for me, they spent hours talking in foreign language and would never even translate (dh) and I fear that is what will happen every time he comes home from work, never mind being with FIL and MIL all day while they talk to each other. While I do have a few relatives i am close to, so at least here I can call my sister or grandma and talk to them when I am frustrated. And of course there is ds, now he is older and i can talk to him and understand what he is saying at least. Of course when we left India, FIL pretty much said he expected me to learn Hindi by the next time we see each other so that I can talk to MIL, um yeah, that's exactly what I want to be concerned about when they come to visit while i am having a baby. And I do know some words, dh is resistant to teach teaching ds and I and all i have to go on is whatever resources i find online. Besides, I bet FIL will be much better to MIL about translating than my dh, at least i hope.

[St. Margaret]

I'm sorry. It does sound like your DH is being unreasonable about this. First thing first, I'd put my foot down and say they can come visit a bit after baby is born, and I'd set up plans so they really don't end up arriving until well after baby comes and you're past the initial craziness. It doesn't sound like having these people in your home would REALLY be relaxing help moms deserve postpartum. And mom and baby are number 1 at that point. I'd just share some resources about that with him, and become a broken record on the subject. Then when they come, I'd make it clear I expected help, not to be hostess for months during the tiny baby phase with a little kid, too. I'd expect help with your kid and the house, and support for BFing and holding your baby as much as you want. But I'm demanding that way-- I know nothing is going to ever get me back those precious early months with a baby, and this second time around I'm even MORE protective of that time, because I know how wrong it felt last time when it was violated even some.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you have a lousy situation, with your DH not getting that it's his job right now to be supportive of you and what you need for this special, short time. I'd start by working on him, making your needs clear, and not letting him get away with getting upset or rude or saying it's just about the visit. Hopefully you can get through to him and get him to communicate your needs and expectations to your ILs and back you up when you need. Good luck

[kalamos23]

yikes - i'd be stressed to in your situation. heck, i'd be stressed if my english speaking mil and fil decided to stay for 8 weeks - that is a long time, especially right after a baby!!! do you parents want to come see the baby? would they have to wait until the ils leave? also, would your mil and fil be good at taking care of your ds? if you don't think they would, it might be worth it to ask if they can get a shortterm rental house so at least you have some time while they are here where you guys can just be.

[texmati]

First, I wanted to give you a big hug. I nearly had a breakdown (I'm not exaggerating) over IL's visiting last pregnancy. So much anxiety that I literally needed help getting dressed in the morning.

PP only comes up once in each baby's lifetime, do it the way you feel most comfortable. My MIL was living with us during my pregnancy/pp, and when I was in the hospital, I decided to just move to my parents for 10 days or so. It was not only a great decision, but hands down the best week of my life. My mil and i don't get along, though.

Culturally, in India post partum mom's get quite a bit of support traditionally. Even nowadays, most women I hear of giving birth will either move to their mom's, or have their mom come and stay for week or even months after giving birth. The expectation is that you will sit and not do any housework, or even leave the house for 40 days (approx 6 weeks) after giving birth. Your social/marital obligations get zero-ed out. It is very common for IL's or mother's to come stay for weeks or months on end and take over housework, cooking and other childcare for that time. I remember being so shocked to hear on MDC that women would go to the grocery store, or even be expected to go to their lo's dr's appts 2 and 3 weeks after birth.

That being said, I really live by the phrase 'better living through lowered expectations". I would duke it out with your DH ASAP, and have expectations set properly with your inlaws. The easiest most polite way to have them come x amount of time after you give birth is to say "Oh well, i have my parents/ sister/ husband taking time off to support me the first few weeks; it would be such a help for you to come a in x month.".

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Thanks everyone and textmati I wish I did have help but my mom is dead and my family offers zero help postpartum. I know they will be helpful but I worry about ds and mil interacting since they don't speak the same language. Plus ds will not eat the indian food I cook so I guess he will have to live on peanur butter and jelly and cereal since mil only knows indian. I want this to workout and I hate the strain it is putting on my marriage. Staying with an aunt or something is not really going to workout no one really has room for me. I think bottom line I wish that dh wasn't so controlling about the situation he let me help decide how our visit to india was, so I don't know why he is acting like this. When the bababy comes I just fear mil will be waking in the night when cries trying tell mw what do through dh of course. I just don't like foreseeing this pressure being okay with me. I think I am going to give it a few days and then talk to dh about it and try to lay down some ground rules like I don't want mil interferring in the night whether the baby is crying ok not I think that sounds reasonable. I think I am going to take up meditation to get me through this situation.

[zinemama]

It strikes me as very odd that your dh is resistant to teaching his own son his native language. Your ds is in a prime position to grow up bilingual and his dad is denying him this? Has he ever explained his position?

[texmati]

Originally Posted by ILoveMyBabyBird

Thanks everyone and textmati I wish I did have help but my mom is dead and my family offers zero help postpartum. I know they will be helpful but I worry about ds and mil interacting since they don't speak the same language. Plus ds will not eat the indian food I cook so I guess he will have to live on peanur butter and jelly and cereal since mil only knows indian. I want this to workout and I hate the strain it is putting on my marriage. Staying with an aunt or something is not really going to workout no one really has room for me. I think bottom line I wish that dh wasn't so controlling about the situation he let me help decide how our visit to india was, so I don't know why he is acting like this. When the bababy comes I just fear mil will be waking in the night when cries trying tell mw what do through dh of course. I just don't like foreseeing this pressure being okay with me. I think I am going to give it a few days and then talk to dh about it and try to lay down some ground rules like I don't want mil interferring in the night whether the baby is crying ok not I think that sounds reasonable. I think I am going to take up meditation to get me through this situation.

Oh gosh! I wouldn't expect you to move from your home either! i just meant that post partum is so important, that you should be comfortable-- at all costs! In your situation, I would *definitely* have them come a month or so after 42 weeks. Your IL's are virtual strangers, you don't need them around when you are so vulnerable.

I'd make it a priority for the rest of pregnancy to beat it into my DH's head that he needs to start getting in your corner regarding all things IL related.

As for the rest of my post, I was just trying to explain how things are culturally (which may not be true for your IL's anyways). Search my past threads for my own 'MIL want's to come pp" drama for this baby. She would fall into the selfish, undermining, meddling, no help whatsoever category.

[texmati]

Oh, and I wouldn't worry too much about grandma/grandson getting along despite language differences. It will work itself out. How old is your DS? MIL can learn to make what your son likes. things like that have a way of ironing themselves out if everyone is reasonable.

And I'm sorry to hear about you not having support postpartum. I still don't think it would be unreasonable/impolite to ask dh to ask the IL's to delay the visit.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Originally Posted by texmati

As for the rest of my post, I was just trying to explain how things are culturally (which may not be true for your IL's anyways). Search my past threads for my own 'MIL want's to come pp" drama for this baby. She would fall into the selfish, undermining, meddling, no help whatsoever category.

i read one of your threads, i know my MIL isn't so horrible as a person, but meddling probably yes, especially all things baby. But I figure I can adapt and I know others have gone through worse, shoot dh was not the best when i had ds. So i kind of talked him a bit about their visit, and the truth is, he is stressed about them coming asap because he promised them a visit that is overdue. So I think he thinks them coming for the babies birth will make up for it that they are coming a year later than he said they would. And maybe it is part of my upbringing but people generally don't breastfeed and when with extended family, the mom never gets to hold the baby, everyone is trying to hold it all the time. With my breastfeeding problems I really wanted this time around to be totally me and baby focused in hopes that i won't have to supplement after my milk comes in. So I have decided that while they are probably going to visit at this time, dh pretty much said they are and I, have no control so i better get used to the idea, he is just unsure of exactly when and for exactly how long, it all depends on how long it takes to get the finances saved and get everything settled as far as travel. But our house is large and dh said mil won't be doing everything and won't be coming into the room in the night, and that they will just be upstairs, but I am wanting a lock on our door, just as you mentioned in your thread about your first experience with needing privacy for breastfeeding, and i no doubt will be trying to pump to try to establish my maximum supply, and needing privacy in the beginning for breastfeeing. I also think i will make dh take at least a week off after the baby and i come home so that he will be there as a mediator in the first few days. I do think she will be helpful, but dh said she is old and sickly so won't be doing much more than cooking and a little cleaning and i guess FIL will be entertaining ds a lot. SO after all this I think I am finally calming down, I will be on my turf and I think I won't feel as intimidated as i did when in India, and while i was pretty passive there, I did put my foot down on few points when there and i imagine i will be more assertive in my own home about my own needs. I will let you all know more as things unfold.

I am just going to get a good sling and put the baby in there all the time and if i want to come out of the room i will with the baby in the sling so i can breastfeed easier. I don't want to lock my door all the time, I do have ds and want him involved in the babies care and don't want him to feel like i have abandoned him. Not that i won't let anyone else hold the baby, i will need to shower and such, but like i said i don't know how it is culturally, I do know my MIL is very pro-breastfeeding, so I also worry that she will judge me if i do end up needing to supplement. But I don't care, ultimately I am the mom and I will do what i see is best for the baby and if that means constant skin to skin contact the first few weeks then MIL and FIL and dh better respect that.