Please calm me down, stressing over foreign IL's possibly coming to stay at end of pregnancy/birth! - Page 2

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

so do you think rearranging sleeping would be a good idea?

Since it seems that it is pretty much a done deal that they are coming when the baby does, would you change up the sleeping arrangements. As I mentioned in a pp, mil is very loud both her voice and when cleaning etc, she does not know how to be quiet. Our house is set up a little different, our masterbedroom is on the main floor attached to the masterbathroom which is attached to the laundry room and there is know other way to it except through our bedroom. In addition our bedroom is next to the kitchen so that pretty much means that MIL cooking and cleaning and laundering (which i have learned she does for many hours a day would be done interferring with our "bedroom". The upstairs on the other hand is just two bedrooms and 1 bath. Ds is in one bedroom and the other bedroom is the spare/office room. I am thinking that I would have more privacy if we were to stay in the upstairs, in addition, I could watch movies on netflix on the computer and not have to buy a new tv. Dh won't be too crazy about the idea, but i know when we stayed in their home, they gave us their room and as the set up of our home i think that it would allow me for the most privacy during their stay and give MIL more access to the house without either of us feeling in the way. The only problem is that the bed in the spare is a full, but i will be putting the new baby in the bassinet to sleep quite a bit, and if the baby cries, dh may end up with ds or on the couch anyway. What do you all think?

[texmati]

Originally Posted by ILoveMyBabyBird

Since it seems that it is pretty much a done deal that they are coming when the baby does, would you change up the sleeping arrangements. As I mentioned in a pp, mil is very loud both her voice and when cleaning etc, she does not know how to be quiet. Our house is set up a little different, our masterbedroom is on the main floor attached to the masterbathroom which is attached to the laundry room and there is know other way to it except through our bedroom. In addition our bedroom is next to the kitchen so that pretty much means that MIL cooking and cleaning and laundering (which i have learned she does for many hours a day would be done interferring with our "bedroom". The upstairs on the other hand is just two bedrooms and 1 bath. Ds is in one bedroom and the other bedroom is the spare/office room. I am thinking that I would have more privacy if we were to stay in the upstairs, in addition, I could watch movies on netflix on the computer and not have to buy a new tv. Dh won't be too crazy about the idea, but i know when we stayed in their home, they gave us their room and as the set up of our home i think that it would allow me for the most privacy during their stay and give MIL more access to the house without either of us feeling in the way. The only problem is that the bed in the spare is a full, but i will be putting the new baby in the bassinet to sleep quite a bit, and if the baby cries, dh may end up with ds or on the couch anyway. What do you all think?

When you say that they are coming, do you mean that he's bought the tickets and arranged the visa's, etc?

I'd move upstairs, *if* you feel that you'd be able to freely walk up and downstairs after birth. I was in no condition to do so post birth.

I'd also have a nursing area on each floor. (even if it's just a spare bedroom). Use nursing as an excuse for everything-- if you want to get a break, get away from them, hold the baby etc, just pop into your private area.

I feel that your dh is being unreasonable, even if your MIL is very nice, he should be respectful of this time-- not use it to earn points with his parents.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Originally Posted by texmati

When you say that they are coming, do you mean that he's bought the tickets and arranged the visa's, etc?

I'd move upstairs, *if* you feel that you'd be able to freely walk up and downstairs after birth. I was in no condition to do so post birth.

I'd also have a nursing area on each floor. (even if it's just a spare bedroom). Use nursing as an excuse for everything-- if you want to get a break, get away from them, hold the baby etc, just pop into your private area.

I feel that your dh is being unreasonable, even if your MIL is very nice, he should be respectful of this time-- not use it to earn points with his parents.

no nothing has been done yet, it's pretty much a money issue right now. Dh is suppose to get a settlement from an accident, but now it looks like our case may not be as good as we thought, so honestly unless we get a decent cashflow i am not seeing how we will be able to afford to save up all this money due to our current financial needs. I don't work, dh is on commission. We need about 3000$ for our van to get new tires/repairs. We had a microburst mess up part of our roof, we got a check from the insurance for about 1300$ and we are required to pay the deductible to get it fixed, about 1500$, and these repairs need to get done before the bad winter weather sets in. We have to pay taxes every year, about 2000$ by april 15th, right when the baby is due, plus we will probably have another 1000$ to pay to the hospital, we are already paying 1000$ in installments for the midwife. Plus we need some plumbing work done that is so overdue. We tried to get a loan but dh's credit is too bad from medical bills from his accident. Now if the settlement comes through, then maybe we will be able to swing everything, but if not, i don't know how we will do all the above things and have that money for IL's visit and plane tickets. I am just becoming a broken record, so that he understands, the roof and tires and plumbing must take top priority now, because it isn't safe or healthy. He said he will get me my tires, but he will try to put off the rest of the stuff i am sure of it.

As far as nursing goes, i seriously plan to let that be my top priority, our downstairs is really pretty open so i won't have much place to nurse in private unless we keep our own bedroom. I think as long as I don't have a c-section i should be okay with the stairs, but honestly i won't plan on leaving whichever room i stay in for the first couple weeks very often anyway, i will need to go downstairs if and when i supplement to clean out the supplemental feeder, and breastpump. But I think that with the other adults in the house i am going to have a very hard time getting sleep when they are up in the day talking and making noise. Ds is pretty quiet so i don't worry about his noise much. But you know I think typing out all my worries and fears and getting input from others is helping me accept the situation and in all actuality empowering myself. As i mentioned before i was very passive in india, probably culture shock plus my personality, but this time I am and will speak my mind, only let them hold the baby when i say, and will not tolerate much of anything from them. I know I must take the good with the bad, and that goes from them as well. I am a generally quiet nice person, but I have a Mama Bear side that I will not be afraid to voice my opinion. Dh pretty much gave me an ultimatum. His parents are staying, but I don't have to, seriously, he said that. So sure they can stay, but it doesn't mean that they will be in charge. I am not comfortable with many traditional indian (hindu) customs and dh is not either but will endure them for his mom, but some things i will them do, but others I will not allow. This is America, they are here to visit, they must accept our customs and be prepared that that may mean they may feel shut out at times, but if that is what has to happen for me to feel comfortable than that is what will happen. I never once felt comfortable the whole time in India, so I gather they will have that same sort of culture shock. My MIL will probably frown upon many things when she realizes, like, I don't drink tea, (she made us all drink it in india several times a day), but that is life here and that is something she will have to accept, amongst other things. In a way, I seriously feel like MIL and FIL are going to be here not for me, but for DH, so he can get his Indian food everyday and not have to worry doing his own laundry or dishes. He straight up said they aren't really going to be here to help, but to visit, they won't be able to drive, there is nothing in walking distance, MIL will have nothing more to do than to cook and try to tell me, (in hindi) what to do with the baby or that i shouldn't do this or that with ds. I already can invision it. I go downstairs to clean the pumps or something and she is yelling at me in her language. But this time, I am just going to go about doing what i do. I also hate that we can't speak. So when she is holding the baby, I am just going to hate walk up and take it from her? That is going to be awkward, but i will. If only she could speak some english it would be way easier. I mean like I want FIL in my room post partum having to translate everything.

Okay enough of the novel for now. I am going through all scenerios in my head and then come april, we won't have enough money saved up for them to come or one of them will be ill or they won't even pass their interview to come. I am going to have to put this at the back of my mind for awhile until their visit becomes more of a reality.

[mambera]

Thread-crashing, I followed you here from Multicultural Families. I didn't post in that thread but I just wanted to offer a and a little bit of hope.

I'm also a European-American married to an Indian DH. My MIL does not speak English either (though she understands a bit). In the beginning I was worried a lot about culture clash but honestly things have been so much better than I feared.

And I also had low supply and had to pump with the ILs around, and we have a pretty small apartment, and yeah. There were some awkward moments. (Although actually it turned out my MIL was impressed with the whole pumping thing, DH's sister had a baby with latch issues and she lost her supply and the baby ended up on buffalo milk cut with water. My MIL said she wished she'd known about breast pumps then. You may be surprised, instead of judging you for FF your MIL may be happy you are working so hard to bf.)

It sounds like you are letting your own fears set you up for an adversarial relationship with your ILs. Talking about expecting MIL to 'frown on' you, having to 'put your foot down' and how they will have to feel 'shut out' in order for you to feel comfortable and stuff.

It sounds like your DH is being a bit adversarial as well, I'm not sure from what you've said but I wonder if he is being a bit defensive because he is kind of expecting you and the ILs to clash also. And trying to 'put his foot down' with you about it before the problem has even happened.

Would it be possible for you to try to put your own head in a more positive place? Like spend time thinking about things like how much your ILs will love your DS and your new baby, how excited they must be to spend time with their grandkids, and how they probably really would like to have a good relationship with you but have a lot of worries, just like you do.

And I know you won't want to think about trying to learn Hindi when you have a new baby, but honestly making any kind of effort to learn their language is SUCH a huge statement of goodwill. I bought a couple of language-learning CDs for the car and was able to pick up a lot of the basics, and just the fact that I was trying to learn at all made a really positive impression on my ILs and also gave my MIL and me something to talk about. Maybe now would be a good time to start, before the baby comes, and maybe your DH could help you out.

And yeah, I would move to the upstairs bedroom if you can handle the stairs. It sounds like it would be a lot more comfortable for you and also would look like you are trying hard to make your ILs comfortable by giving up your room (even though it really would be better for you as well).

[texmati]

Originally Posted by mambera

And I also had low supply and had to pump with the ILs around, and we have a pretty small apartment, and yeah. There were some awkward moments. (Although actually it turned out my MIL was impressed with the whole pumping thing, DH's sister had a baby with latch issues and she lost her supply and the baby ended up on buffalo milk cut with water. My MIL said she wished she'd known about breast pumps then. You may be surprised, instead of judging you for FF your MIL may be happy you are working so hard to bf.)

It sounds like you are letting your own fears set you up for an adversarial relationship with your ILs. Talking about expecting MIL to 'frown on' you, having to 'put your foot down' and how they will have to feel 'shut out' in order for you to feel comfortable and stuff.

It sounds like your DH is being a bit adversarial as well, I'm not sure from what you've said but I wonder if he is being a bit defensive because he is kind of expecting you and the ILs to clash also. And trying to 'put his foot down' with you about it before the problem has even happened.

I agree that she might be setting herself up for a fight, but really, her DH isn't giving her much of a choice. The 'they are staying, but you are optional' crap is just creating a bad situation. Is your DH like this normally, or just about his parents?

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Originally Posted by texmati

I agree that she might be setting herself up for a fight, but really, her DH isn't giving her much of a choice. The 'they are staying, but you are optional' crap is just creating a bad situation. Is your DH like this normally, or just about his parents?

Pretty much just about his parents. The second we got back from the trip from india, he made a comment to me about how I probably never want to go back and that I probably never want them to visit. He separates us, just like he never made an effort to translate for me and MIL or help me learn hindi all these years. I learned more from MIL using gestures saying Kana? spell for eating? than dh ever has taught me in 6 years.

He expects there to be clashes, he doesn't try to make it easier on either parties, and expects us to just get along, without him being our bridge. I respect MIL and FIL, and i sympathize with them, and I want them to get to know our kids, these are my kids only living grandparents, so I see the importance in the relationship, but dh doesn't ever hear these things or think I think that way, he thinks I despise them, when really I don't, I despise his attitude about the situation.

My MIL is stubborn, strong willed and always seems to be fighting with the other SIL's in India, but if anything, because of our cultural differences I think she is easier on me, but I don't know how she will be with the new baby because i never have seen her in the situation, kwim? Or any Indian woman or MIL for that matter. But MIL did make a comment about me, that dh did translate, she said something about "We'll see how she is(me) when we come to visit". I guess normally the DIL does most everything, but I didn't do much because I just didn't feel comfortable, was sick part of the trip etc., so now I feel like she is going to judge me in how hospitable i am when they come and i am going to be huge pregnant and postpartum when they finally do come.

When in India, the only few things we clashed on that i knew of: I didn't want 2 1/2 ds to ride on FIL's motorcycle. I wanted ds to sleep with us, and ds wouldn't sleep with IL's anyway, he was going through culture shock himself. I refused to stay in a dirty nasty hotel and FIL and DH found a better one. I wouldn't ride on an overcrowded bus. I wouldn't take an 8 hour train ride to Jammu in January when ds was throwing up. When MIL asked me to get the laundry I did, there was a maid that did the cleaning and dishes. I never helped cook because I felt awkward about it and didn't know much about their kitchen set up and dh never helped to translate etc. They wanted ds to wear sweaters in the 70 degree weather and I went along with them even though at home he would have been in shorts. So it wasn't completely some awful visit and we never had much issues, but dh was there the whole time, this time around dh will hardly be hear. And yes i lived with them for a month so it isn't as bad as them coming and i never have met them. I did everything that they asked, I went through all their religious rituals eventhough i had no clue what was going on. I let them take ds to the temple so they pray over him when he was sick, I drank the chai eventhough I didn't want to, I wore the jacket MIL liked on me to visit with their friends, I am not completely resistant to them, I am angry with my dh that i bring up their visit and he verbally attacks me and accuses me of not wanting them to come ever etc.

I know this may not be of any significance. But dh didn't even want to tell them we were getting married. They were saying he must already be married this and that, and no one knew what was going with him etc. He told me these things and I told him he had to tell them we were getting married, I mean he didn't even tell them we were getting married until I made him, so yes, he has always had this wedge between me and them, and we aren't the problem as much as he is.

[zinemama]

OP, I agree that the problem here is your dh.

I am not one to jump on the "go to counseling!" advice bandwagon lightly, but you are painting a very disturbing picture of your husband. How could it be of no significance that your husband didn't want to tell his own parents that he was marrying you? From the way you describe it, he seems almost ashamed of you and his child; it's as if to be loyal to his folks, he has to diss you.

Personally, I couldn't tolerate a situation like that. In your shoes, I would get this man to couples counseling and straighten things out.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by zinemama

OP, I agree that the problem here is your dh.

I am not one to jump on the "go to counseling!" advice bandwagon lightly, but you are painting a very disturbing picture of your husband. How could it be of no significance that your husband didn't want to tell his own parents that he was marrying you? From the way you describe it, he seems almost ashamed of you and his child; it's as if to be loyal to his folks, he has to diss you.

Personally, I couldn't tolerate a situation like that. In your shoes, I would get this man to couples counseling and straighten things out.

This. what your dh is doing to you isn't normal in any culture. s.

[SleeplessMommy]

I have Indian In-laws also. If there is any way you can arrange it, have them come at 6 months or more AFTER the baby is born.

If your husband won't agree to have them come at 6mo. or more of baby age, drag him into counseling right away. Every Mom is at risk of PPD, and having an Indian MIL and FIL in the house during/after birth is a recipe for PPD. Especially if the in-laws are the worrying type. If the goal is HELP for you after the baby is born, hire a post-partum doula. It will be cheaper than a plane ticket.

Some talking points for you:
* "The baby will be cuter and more interactive and fun for the In-laws to play with then."

* In the traditional Indian kitchen, the Mom is not allowed in the kitchen while menstruating. So you will not be able to even make a cup of tea for your MIL when she comes to see you immediately postpartum. I know you really really want to make tea for your MIL.

* Your inlaws don't drive (in the USA or at all?). If they come when baby is 6 mo old, you will be able to take them shopping and to see some fun things on weekdays. If they come immediately postpartum, you will be on doctor's orders not to drive anyone anywhere. The in-laws will be bored.

* The weather will be bad when your baby is born. (april = rainy? or something) The weather will be better and more comfortable 6 months later. really

* You can arrange for naming and head-shaving ceremonies (if you do that?) if the come when baby is 1 year old. That would be so special if in-laws could be there for the head shaving and first birthday.

* If baby goes past term, the inlaws might come all this way and miss seeing the baby at all. (you may want to obtain a "new" later due date if your husband is insistent on the visit.)

* If you have only one bathroom, I would make this an issue too. In hushed tones, as if you are speaking of a dreadful disease you do not want to share. Tears are a bonus if you can arrange them. "you know there is only one bathroom and there will be a lot of bleeding after the baby is born."

The real issues, IMHO:
* HUGE risk of PPD because having the relatives in the house would cause immense extra stress on you. Can your midwife or doctor explain this to your husband? It is totally the wrong time for a visit, especially since you and MIL do not share a language.

* inlaws will be bored.

I hate to add more stress to you, but health insurance for visiting the USA is a huge issue. When in-laws were last here, DH found them some "health insurance." In case of heart attack, the "insurance" would pay .................... about $3000. Total. We were very lucky and everyone went home without and medical issues.

Culturally speaking, I think the "almost died" comments from your other post (when made by elders) are more socially acceptable/common than they are here. When an elder says "I am happy if I just get [large project taking about a year] done before I die" it is a sign of some mild depression or maybe just the in-law conforming to cultural expectations. The in-laws can be made happy by phone calls and some photos in the mail ... hopefully.

10 years ago, a certain Indian relative (living the the US) was predicating that his parents would both pass away within 5 years. They are still healthy and active.

[allisonrose]

Originally Posted by ILoveMyBabyBird

He expects there to be clashes, he doesn't try to make it easier on either parties, and expects us to just get along, without him being our bridge.

That reminds me of my hubby. He's Mexican and rarely translates between his family and me. Although he expects me to magically arrange my personality so there is no clashes and also my MIL has a decent handle on English yet choses to speak in Spanish more often than not. So I definitely emphasize with the tough position you're in.