Teaching Gratefulness - Page 2

[ssh]

I really think it's the age. My almost 5 year old does frequently thank me for doing things, but lately she also gets emotional easily and over things that haven't bothered her before. We've been hearing whining, crying, complaining, running to her room and then crying in there until someone comes and the "I hate this what-ever-it-is" about so many things she usually likes. Just like the tantrums that we endured when she was 2.5, I figure all this emotional fragility and moodiness is from some developmental cause. We react to all this calmly and supportively and look forward to it going away, just like the tantrums did and the few weeks of bossiness last fall. Anytime there are hormonal and cognitive changes you can expect behavioral side effects for awhile.

I feel the best way to teach any manners or morals is by modeling. A kid that hears "thank you" and "I appreciate it" directed at herself and others will say those things eventually. Also I and DD have to have a relaxing activity before we can sleep. We always spend at least 20 minutes on bedtime activities regardless of how late we get home or she can't sleep.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by becoming

I'm inclined to believe this is more about personality than age.

I agree. Some things are not about the parents. Dd has never gone through this "stage" (she's almost 9) and she never went through the tantrum stage when she was younger, either. Although we (as parents) show gratitude and don't throw fits, I think it's more about her and less about our modeling (although I'm sure it helps to a certain degree). She's just been naturally inclined to be a sweet, respectful, thankful person... in general. I think some kids are just disagreeable and pessimistic. I have a nephew that was like that, and at 21, he's still that way. OP - it may be a situation where you can teach all you want, but you can't change a basic personality quirk.

[Tjej]

I had a roommate who was always saying negative stuff about herself or what was happening and we made a rule that if you said something negative you had to say 3 positive things right away (if it was about yourself the positive things had to be about yourself). I remember that helped stop the negative talk, and even when it didn't, it ended on a more positive note. So something like that might help.

Tjej

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Tjej

I had a roommate who was always saying negative stuff about herself or what was happening and we made a rule that if you said something negative you had to say 3 positive things right away (if it was about yourself the positive things had to be about yourself). I remember that helped stop the negative talk, and even when it didn't, it ended on a more positive note. So something like that might help.

Tjej

We tried this about a year ago, but it may be worth a try again. This morning, I had him make a list of 3 things he wanted to do today. My thought is that we can go over them at bedtime and say, "see, you got to do 3 fun things you wanted to do!"

I think I need to clarify that 1) the museum day was just an example and 2) my concern isn't that he appears or is grateful to me all the time. It's really not about me in that sense. Thinking about why he's negative has made me do some self-exploration, but my concern is about how to help him here, not to change so that he never has a reason to be upset.

So, there are 2 issues. The first is that I don't want him (or DD, for that matter) to feel entitled, and maybe that's a better word than grateful. They're white (blond hair, blue eyes, & all) and upper middle-class. They live in a stable house with 2 parents, meals cooked from scratch, have a dog. They are the American Dream come to life. (And no, I don't say that to them. This is my adult interpretation.) DS was sick when he was younger, and we moved mountains to get the right specialists and spend untold money on his medical care. My children are INCREDIBLY FORTUNATE, and I don't want that to turn into a feeling that they deserve everything. DH & I aren't materialistic, and we try very hard to be conscious consumers. At the same time, one of our children wants more and better of everything, and it does concern me.

A few years ago, someone we know was turning 16. Her parents bought her a car, and she complained because it was 3 years old and not the color she would have picked. It was a gift! Her parents stretched to buy that car! That's what I want to work on with DS. I don't think it's entirely personality, and I'm looking for concrete ways to help/teach him.

The second issue is that I imagine it's miserable. If we read 2 books to DS, he wants 3. If we read 3, he wants 4. The problem is that he spends so much time thinking about getting us to read one.more book that he can't enjoy reading the first ones. I want him to learn to slow down and enjoy what he has in front of him because otherwise, I don't see him enjoying things as much as he could. I struggle with being present in the moment, too, so it's not an assault on DS' personality. It's just something I see as a parent that I believe I can help him work to make his quality of life better.

[hopefulfaith]

You sound like a very good, conscious mom. I think that this will eventually turn out well. Your family is lucky to have you! This is a hard issue for many of us.

[Tjej]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

A few years ago, someone we know was turning 16. Her parents bought her a car, and she complained because it was 3 years old and not the color she would have picked. It was a gift! Her parents stretched to buy that car! That's what I want to work on with DS. I don't think it's entirely personality, and I'm looking for concrete ways to help/teach him.I think simply teaching him to say "thank you" for any gift and not discussing it further when the giver is around would work for that issue.

The second issue is that I imagine it's miserable. If we read 2 books to DS, he wants 3. If we read 3, he wants 4. The problem is that he spends so much time thinking about getting us to read one.more book that he can't enjoy reading the first ones. I want him to learn to slow down and enjoy what he has in front of him because otherwise, I don't see him enjoying things as much as he could. I struggle with being present in the moment, too, so it's not an assault on DS' personality. It's just something I see as a parent that I believe I can help him work to make his quality of life better.I find that if this starts happening with my kids it is because they think they can whine and get more. So perhaps being firm about what you choose (if it is 2 books then it is only 2 and there is no negotiation after you've begun reading) and setting those limits would help. Don't discuss it with him and tell him that if he asks again it is rude/you are done reading.

It sounds a little mean, but really it is just you showing boundaries and limits.

My DD will whine to my DH about stuff and she won't stop because he doesn't stop her. He doesn't like it but he will keep answering her whining with reasoning. Whining/fussing/complaining isn't reasonable and doesn't deserve a reasonable response.

Tjej

[beanma]

I think modeling gratefulness is very important. Making sure you audibly appreciate what a great day you had at the museum, what a beautiful day it is, what a yummy meal you're eating. I do think some of it can be age-related, too. And I do agree that some of it is personality related. I'm sorry the kids and your DH weren't on board with the three good things exercise. My kids love that and my at times curmudgeonly DH will even play along. My dd2 who has more pessimistic tendencies especially loves it when we play "best thing/worst thing/craziest thing/silliest thing", etc, around the dinner table. It also gives us a chance to check in about their days at school.

I've also found that my dd1 responds really well to messages that don't come from me (or DH)! I showed her the story of stuff and it really resonated with her (she's 9.5). I don't know if a 5 yr old would like it very much, but the folks who produced it have some shorts on PBS's website now that he might like. Check out http://pbskids.org/loopscoops/happiness.html .

[sebandg'smama]

I sometimes tell my kids that if they feel the need to complain, please do it in their heads, because I am not interested in hearing it!

This is of course after a talk where I listen to the complaint, empathize, see if we can find a solution/compromise. If they continue to complain I let them know I really am not interested in hearing so much negativity, it's not good for me, so please complain silently or take it to a different room than the one I'm in.

-Melanie

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

So, there are 2 issues. The first is that I don't want him (or DD, for that matter) to feel entitled, and maybe that's a better word than grateful. They're white (blond hair, blue eyes, & all) and upper middle-class. They live in a stable house with 2 parents, meals cooked from scratch, have a dog. They are the American Dream come to life. (And no, I don't say that to them. This is my adult interpretation.) DS was sick when he was younger, and we moved mountains to get the right specialists and spend untold money on his medical care. My children are INCREDIBLY FORTUNATE, and I don't want that to turn into a feeling that they deserve everything. DH & I aren't materialistic, and we try very hard to be conscious consumers. At the same time, one of our children wants more and better of everything, and it does concern me.

A few years ago, someone we know was turning 16. Her parents bought her a car, and she complained because it was 3 years old and not the color she would have picked. It was a gift! Her parents stretched to buy that car! That's what I want to work on with DS. I don't think it's entirely personality, and I'm looking for concrete ways to help/teach him.

The second issue is that I imagine it's miserable. If we read 2 books to DS, he wants 3. If we read 3, he wants 4. The problem is that he spends so much time thinking about getting us to read one.more book that he can't enjoy reading the first ones. I want him to learn to slow down and enjoy what he has in front of him because otherwise, I don't see him enjoying things as much as he could. I struggle with being present in the moment, too, so it's not an assault on DS' personality. It's just something I see as a parent that I believe I can help him work to make his quality of life better.

Wow there's a lot here. I just want to say up front that I agree with your goals and I think it is something to address.

However I also think at 5 your tools are limited.

For a global sense of entitlement, I personally believe the best way to help our kids is to expose them to ways to truly experience things. So as your kids get older I would look for ways to engage them with poverty (volunteering, travelling); help them learn to work for money, save and budget and spend, and don't provide everything their little hearts desire, particularly as they get closer to adulthood.

But at 5, a lot of that isn't super practical or appropriate, so I think to worry about the car-at-16 scenario is premature. He just won't have that cognitive perspective about others and the world for years. I would deal with what's an issue today, and leave the rest for a while.

Your son also sounds like he may have gone through a lot that has added to his personality for pessimism. Medical trauma can really have that effect on him - it's a nice myth that sick kids all get holy, but a lot of them internalize that there may be another IV around the corner sticking them in the arm. So I think in some ways I would give him some added time to develop a more optimistic view.

For the books and gifts and things, I think that you can address it to a point - and after that he's going to have the emotions he's going to have. I'd just treat it very, very matter-of-factly. "That's what Grandma could spend, and otherwise you wouldn't have anything to spend. Let's enjoy this."

In other words I'd try to give him the consistent message that he CAN and WILL get past these negative feelings - they are ok, but move on. (And behave appropriately.)

With the books, if that's a good place to focus on being present, ALWAYS with 100% consistency agree on the number in advance. Tell him directly that there will be no more, but that you would like him to try to enjoy the ones you are reading. Maybe do a few yoga breaths to focus. And then enjoy them! If he doesn't, he doesn't. He will someday, particularly if there is infectious enthusiasm around him. As he gets older

My son is optimistic in many ways but he's also a 'planner' - he is the kind of kid who is thinking about the next book, sometimes. This is a really positive personality trait in a lot of situations. Just not so much when trying to get more.