Extreme fear and excruciating pain with #1...already fearing birth #2. Help.

[Beauchamp]

I don't know if I have the strength or courage to birth naturally. I attempted a home birth with my first and many things went wrong. (Long story short, DH and I didn't get much support at all from our MW, DH was unsure of what to do, and very quickly a LOT of fear overcame me that I just could not shake. The pain was intense and made me fearful. I had a LEEP the year prior and couldn't get over the idea that my body was broken. I was screaming. DD was posterior and MW didn't know it (she told me I was just breaking through LEEP scar tissue, that it would feel like transition (I was 3cm) and that I would have to do this a few times to break several "bands" of scar tissue, each phase feeling like transition) I started swelling, labored at home for 12 hours, transferred, got an epi, pushed for 2 hrs 15 mins, (21 hours total time), refused an episiotomy that my MW (now "doula" agreed with, sitting aside and writing in her notebook the whole time away from me), tore naturally in two places, got stitches, they kept me in the hospital for 2 days for group B strep/fever tests (ugh) because we went to the not-so-great hospital downtown that my MW said was more HB-transfer friendly.)

Anyway. I am pregnant again and so scared. I want a natural birth, but what if I can't do it? What if I cave in again? What if I fail again? I read SO many books. I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. The Bradley Book. Birthing from Within, etc. And yet I still failed. I was so weak!

Maybe I read too many positive birth stories and expected my husband to act like all those uber-connected husbands who held their wives and instinctually sensed what they needed. Maybe I expected my MW to suddenly transform into Ina May. Maybe I expected it to be easier. Maybe I expected I would be tougher. Either way, I didn't dig deep and find some magical well of courage in myself to see me through. I FAILED and went to get an epi so my baby could turn and I could get a break. I had a whole list of birth affirmations printed out on my bathroom mirror and NONE of them worked, or clicked, with me when the time came.

I need some advice on how to get over the fear during labor. How do you stay in control of yourself when it feels like your body is being torn apart from the inside??

I'm still in the very early stages of pregnancy and already this fear is coming, because I know I am pregnant and cannot turn back now, that in June something is going to happen and I fear it will be another bad birth memory that I will dwell on forever and berate myself for.

Help!

[MaerynPearl]

find a new midwife first of all! she did not sound supportive at all and that is the biggest thing, you need the support! You need to know that the midwife knows what she is doing and be able to trust her.

second... did your dh do any preparation for the birth? Mine read the Birth Partner (great book, I read it a lot of times myself to help me prepare for the birth without fear) So even though this was his first, he knew what was going to happen, how to help me and little signs to watch out for just in case my midwife did not notice them right away.


but most importantly, have you seen anyone to help you cope with your first birth? a traumatic birth is no small deal and most of us would need help to cope with it.

[starbyfar7]

i would've been pissed if i had a midwife like yours.. and now she's your doula???
boy o' boy.. fire her and find someone else thats going to be able to actually help you have the kind of birth experience you want.
i think you certainly gotta figure out how to get rid of that fear though.. natural birthing is 98% mental and if you're expecting excruciating hell pain again, you're probably going to get it. i was going to suggest ina may's book.. but you've already read it! do you watch natural birthing videos at all? id suggest that too.. dd and i like to watch homebirths on youtube in preparation for ours and its really empowering to watch these women go through it without the screaming or craziness that you see on TV. definitely makes me feel like if they can do it, i for damn sure can!
find a strong and experienced doula and definitely shop around until you find a midwife that is confident and totally in tune with your needs. i cant believe your midwife suggested you get an episiotomy.. unbelievable.

you're not a failure mama and you can do this.

oh and on staying calm during labor. my dd was natural, in a hospital setting. the pain was intense, but i kept reminding myself to just go with it and relax through the pain. really, i would go totally limp during contractions and i cherished every down period between each one. all of this i did without a doula (didnt even know they existed when i had my first), and without a partner (single mom), and without any sort of breathing/birthing technique. i just let my body do its thing.
have you thought about hypnobabies? this may be perfect for you coupled with a hypnobabies doula.

[lexapurple]

I can partially relate to your story. With my first I had a midwife who turned not to be supportive and I felt very uncomfortable and critisised by her. I have been pushed to do things that my body didn't want to do and berated that I was not "surrendering to the birth". While not extremely painful my labor turned out to be very long 48 hours. i believe that If I was just left alone and provided emotional support it would have been over sooner.
I am pregnant with #2 and have fear that this time around it is going to be as long and I would not be able to persevere.
I know that fear is detrimental to natural childbirth and I am working through it myself. Now knowing what was working and what didn't work for me I plan to be more proactive and talk to my new MW during prenatal exams about her and my expectations.

I totally believe in natural childbirth and that in most cases interventions are not necessary. BUT each person has their "limits" that should be respected and accepted. You, maybe, failed your expectations, but YOU DID NOT FAIL you just reached your limit at the time. I know that transfer was not what you wanted but in the end having an epidural helped you relax and regain the strength to birth your baby. The rest sucks of course.

I am not as knowlegeble about birth as some mommas here but keeping in mind that my body knows how to birth a baby and has proven it in the past, helps me keep fear away. I have accepted that my birth might be long this time as well but I am looking for supportive people to surround me during my birth this time and hopefully it would help.

[lillymonster]

I had back labor with an epi that failed and I was induced. I pushed for 3 hours and started begging for a c-section, even when my OB told me I could do it. My husband wasn't supportive - in fact he freaked and left the room at one point. You did not FAIL by getting an epi - you did what you needed to do. I don't believe I failed by begging for a c-section. Now I am angry my OB put me in the position to begin with by pushing for me to be induced early without seeing if my body was ready, and pushing the "advanced maternal age" crap on me. But I don't feel I failed. I made the best decision with the choices I had at the time She eventually had to do the c-section anyway because DD got stuck after a few attempts at removal. But I don't feel bad for asking.

In order to prevent it, I am doing chiro to make sure baby is positioned correctly. I would also ask around for another midwife and doula. I do not expect my husband to know what I need, I know he breaks down with fear, but I paid a lot of money to find an experience doula that had good recommendations and had experience with vbac and would give me the support my DH wouldn't be able to.

I am also doing hypnobabies. Every birth is different. I was told after my first by my OB, that my babies would always be too big for me, that it would always be painful and that I will always need a c-section. My new midwife said it was all about positioning of the baby and she has never seen 2 births from the same woman go the same way.

I too suggest finding an outlet for the traumatic birth, since I had a c-section, I used ICAN, but I think there are forums online I found or talk to someone locally. I had other issues after DD was born that I had a hard time dealing with (they took her for 7 hours and wouldn't let me see her until DH threatened them, they didn't feed me for 72 hours, they fed her formula without telling me, ugh, it was a mess and I was disconnected from her for months and ended up with PPD)

It will not happen again - you know more now, you are more experienced, you have given birth before, and you are not weak for asking for help. I always believe it makes you stronger to know when you need the help.

[Beauchamp]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

second... did your dh do any preparation for the birth? Mine read the Birth Partner...

but most importantly, have you seen anyone to help you cope with your first birth?

We've moved to a new state, so a new MW for sure! I've posted on the Tennessee board to ask for recs, but so far have only one for a CNM practice that is in a hospital. (I am scared of even being in a hospital, in case I cave. You know, if there is no chocolate in the house, it's easier to avoid the craving...)

DH did *some* prep. He read parts of "The Expectant Father" and thumbed certain (highlighted by me) sections of the Bradley Book. He also read a few sections in Your Pregnancy Week by Week (which is a scary book about what can go wrong during every week you are PG, basically.) I don't want to slam him, but as a "connected birth partner" he just wasn't there. He DID TRY to do things, but they were things *his* way, if that makes sense. He is not great at sensing my feelings, even on a standard day. I mentioned watching natural birth videos to him today, and he told me that was something I'd have to do while he was at work. Then he says he wants to be there from the first contraction until the baby is born. And I said "for what purpose?" I mean, he doesn't know what to do! He isn't very connected to me or to the pregnancy. He's just not that kind of guy I suppose. And yet he wants to insert himself into the situation, with not a whole lot of insight into birth or labor. Not to sound like a jerk, but I won't have time or the ability to "teach" him how to be a successful birth partner when I am in the middle of a hard labor, KWIM?!

I haven't seen anyone for my first birth. Just posting here, and thinking a lot internally. Replaying the whole day and night. I think I am developing a shell around myself. As in, trust the MW, but at the end of the day, it has to be ME. I have to do it alone and find the strength, courage, etc, within MYSELF and NOT expect anyone to do any of it for me. So that way if the MW or doula DOES help me, it's a bonus, but not expected to get me through. And DH...maybe I will just him camera duty.

Originally Posted by starbyfar7

i would've been pissed if i had a midwife like yours.. and now she's your doula???

...natural birthing is 98% mental and if you're expecting excruciating hell pain again, you're probably going to get it. i was going to suggest ina may's book.. but you've already read it! do you watch natural birthing videos at all?

...i cant believe your midwife suggested you get an episiotomy.. unbelievable.

oh and on staying calm during labor. my dd was natural, in a hospital setting. the pain was intense, but i kept reminding myself to just go with it and relax through the pain. really, i would go totally limp during contractions and i cherished every down period between each one.

have you thought about hypnobabies? this may be perfect for you coupled with a hypnobabies doula.

Sorry I was not clear. My MW for DD's birth became my "doula" when we transferred. She could not be my MW in the hospital, but she came along as my "doula". I use quotes because she did absolutely nothing besides sit across the room in a chair and write notes. Oh, that's not true. She also was sharpshooting the L&D nurses (and actually pissing them off to the point where they were asking her to leave. The only reason she got to stay was because she told me if I didn't tell the nurses I wanted her in the room they'd force all kinds of things on me, and also the attending doc was in conversation with her, and he said she could stay.) The MW's assistant stayed standing next to me the whole time. She held my left leg while I pushed.

Videos-- I NEED to watch some this time. Great idea!!!! I just need to make sure I don't watch all perfect and painless ones though. I need to see some pain so I know more of the spectrum of normal.

Yes, my MW said she agreed with the episiotomy. I got so mad and kept saying nononononononono, and pushed without being directed (not even sure if I was having a contraction!) and pushed her head out just because I finally got pissed!

I quickly went from relaxed (on a birth ball, listening to Bob Marley) to fear overtaking me. Lots was going on in the background, three people all staring at my butt waiting for something to come out. Me feeling like I wasn't laboring right, or getting it, waiting for some kind of "approval" from my three observers (MW, asst, & DH) This time I need to AVOID all of this.

Hypnobabies--no, but I think I am going to look into it this time. It seemed like a bit of hooey the first time around. This time I am not so skeptical. But I do wonder how much it would help. I tried the affirmations and they flew out the window.

Originally Posted by lexapurple

You, maybe, failed your expectations, but YOU DID NOT FAIL you just reached your limit at the time. I know that transfer was not what you wanted but in the end having an epidural helped you relax and regain the strength to birth your baby.

This is what I am trying to tell myself, too. At some level I know it, but it's so easy to blame myself and turn negative. (I was in the Army, so I have a certain degree of the "suck it up and drive on" mentality, and that the only option is to succeed.)

Originally Posted by lillymonster

I had back labor with an epi that failed and I was induced.

In order to prevent it, I am doing chiro to make sure baby is positioned correctly.

It will not happen again - you know more now, you are more experienced, you have given birth before, and you are not weak for asking for help. I always believe it makes you stronger to know when you need the help.

My epi didn't take, so they did it again an hour or so later, and finally it took (at around 8cm. Sigh.) Then it wore off an hour into pushing. So I had 75 minutes of pushing with no epi. In a very big way I am glad I got to feel that pain so I know what pushing is like without being numb. And I DEFINITELY know what dilating without an epi feels like!!!

What does the chiro do exactly? Curious about this.

Oh, it will NOT happen again. I will not trust anyone so much anymore. Sounds bad, but true on some level. I have to do it myself.


Also, I forgot to add in my OP that I am still unsure of whether my labor was "abnormal pain" or not. I had back labor, posterior baby, some swelling, possible LEEP scar tissue and DD had shoulder dystocia. (One doc stepped in and pulled her shoulder loose DH says and then I was able to push her out the rest of the way.) But a few people have told me that this all was not a "normal" labor, that I should expect less pain next time. But I am hesitant to believe that in case it really was just your normal, average labor pain.

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by Beauchamp

What does the chiro do exactly? Curious about this.


Also, I forgot to add in my OP that I am still unsure of whether my labor was "abnormal pain" or not. I had back labor, posterior baby, some swelling, possible LEEP scar tissue and DD had shoulder dystocia. (One doc stepped in and pulled her shoulder loose DH says and then I was able to push her out the rest of the way.) But a few people have told me that this all was not a "normal" labor, that I should expect less pain next time. But I am hesitant to believe that in case it really was just your normal, average labor pain.

I was told my back labor was not normal pain. Especially being induced on top of it. It was an intense sharp pain in my hip mostly, but it never let up. I was numb in certain parts of my body, and had full feeling in others. It felt like someone was hammering an ice pick into my hip. I don't think that is normal! I really feel if I got through that, anything else will be a breeze

A chiro will help adjust your back and when they adjust, it gives more room for the baby to move into a better position. Although I am not sure when DD turned the wrong way, I think it was during labor, but they turn a bit when you push and if everything is loose and working right, it will allow things to flow easier. Sounds hooky, but I have had other experiences with chiro that don't have to do with birthing that make me a believer in at least trying it.

This is info about the Webster Technique specifically
http://icpa4kids.com/about/webster_technique.htm

If anything, it will not hurt you or the baby and is not harmful in any way. And at least make you feel better during your pregnancy

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pre...acticcare.html

[PoppyMama]

I'm in the third trimester with my fourth baby and I have decided to be in complete denial that I will give birth until the very end when I am so uncomfortable and finished that I would do anything to get the baby out. I've had 2 induced labors, one with epi and one with no pain meds and one natural water birth. They were all very unpleasant. I also give myself options because I really do have a choice. If I decide at the last minute to go to the hospital and demand an epi or even a c-section I can certainly do that and I don't give a rat's butt what anyone would say to me. Just knowing that I can change my mind and that I have options makes me feel better...and I really don't acknowledge to myself that there will be a birth yet. Explore your options or think about something else. I know I don't want to do it and I know it will almost positively be unpleasant (to say the least) but I also know that the odds say I will live through it. Not the method of coping for lots of MDCers but it's what seems to work for me.

Good luck.

[hilary549]

i am so glad i read this- i could have written half of what's up there, had a back labor with posterior baby, attempted home birth and then transferred to hosp, and while i'm not mad at my MW, i wouldn't use her again. i'm sure she knows what she's doing, but in retrospect i needed someone to boss me around more. i keep thinking of positions i wish i'd tried, nobody reminded me to try the breathing exercises (which i'd totally forgotten about,) and the constant pain in my back, even between contractions, was so unexpected that i was not coping well at all. i was not relaxed AT ALL. i too read all those books. and have a dh who is not really in tune in that way, though i love him dearly. so this time i too am planning to do chiro and get a doula, and a diff mw, though since i'm a vbac i do think i'll birth in the hospital. that last point i'm still considering. but anyway, i was relieved in some odd way to read your similar experiences and feel that much less alone. thanks for writing. best wishes to all of us...

[hilary549]

oh, and Francesca is a beautiful name.