new mom, not sure how to handle this..

[shotmama]

DD is turning 1 in a few weeks! so exciting!!

before having DD i knew nothing about BF or its benefits until DH encouraged that i do while i was preggo. so i made a 'goal' that i would try it for 6 months to a year at least. she nurses on demand, often every hour that she is awake, and sometimes every 2-3 hours when we are out and about.

today i went out with my folks, and they noticed that i had to leave every now and then to nurse her (in a nursing room or fitting room). and i have no problems nursing in front of them or other people, but DH and my folks are really worried about what other people think about it so i run off to a corner to make them feel comfortable more than myself.

today my mother went with me to the nursing room during the last nursing session of our outing, and there was another baby in there. DD loves other babies, so she was a little distracted at the start. so after a few unlatches and giggles towards the baby's direction, my mom grabbed her from my hands, shaking her head in disgust, saying that i was forcing her to nurse, and then took her out of the room and gave her lemonade out of a straw.

later when we got home, she then told me DD deserves 'fresh' milk instead (even though DD is allergic), and that i should be thinking of weaning her soon cause she is too old.

DH is always supportive but my folks have been STRONGLY against it since the beginning. and DH and i solved the problem a little bit by speed nursing when she asks when we slip away for a moment, and never talking about it in front of them, and always letting them hold her when they are around. we originally thought they were against it because of the lack of bonding time, especially at the beginning because only i can feed her.

i also have very close friends who are expecting, and they have also been urging me to quit because it could 'be psychologically damaging' if DD were to be old enough to remember doing it.

but i don't agree. i'm not sure when she will be weaned but i am currently thinking about the CLW approach. i'm certain if i wean her now DD and i would be devastated and i would regret it for the rest of my life.

i guess what i want to know is, how do you all deal with those kinds of people in your life? i certainly do not intend to wean her so soon, but i don't want them thinking i don't care about their feelings. can you give a new mom some tips on how to keep others from feeling uncomfortable about it? especially with a LO who nurses so often that you might have to do it in front of others?

thanks in advance! (also, there is no use changing my mother's mind about it. lactation consultants, nurses, and doctors have sent her notes to back off about it in the beginning but she thinks they're all crazy! when DD was around 5 months my mother even got pretty violent towards me about it when it was brought up, because i got pretty snappy defensive about not weaning. neighbors even saw and called the police. took 2-3 months to even feel somewhat okay being around her again. so reasoning with her is out of the question. she is just a controlling person so talking about not weaning again would be another blow to her.)

[straighthaircurly]

Kudos to you for standing up for what you believe in and what you know is best for you and your child.

I know it is tough but your mother doesn't care about your feelings based on her actions so you need to worry less about making her think that you do care about her opinion, because you don't in this case because she is being very myopic. My recommendation is to limit time with her (within reason) and if she brings it up again, you need to very gently but firmly tell her, "This is a private decision that I have made with DH and my doctor. It is not your business. You got to decide how you raised me and DH and I get to decide how to raise our child." And do allow her to come near you again when you are nursing. I would be livid if someone snatched my nursing child out of my arms and disrespected me so much that they thought it appropriate to give a 1 year old lemonade against my wishes. I find that bullies start to back off when you make it clear that you are standing your ground and won't put up with their threats and craziness. Hugs and good luck. Parents can be very tough to stand up to because they know how to push our guilt buttons!

Sorry for the run on sentences...I should be asleep.

[shotmama]

thank you so much for commenting when you should have been sleeping! thanks for the encouragement, it's hard to talk to friends about this when no one seems to agree BF past a year isn't strange.

i've said something along those lines to my mother and even tried cutting her out but she ended up crying to other family members who then called me all angry about it for weeks. unfortunately everyone is into filial piety and they just encourage me to endure it rather than cut her out when she doesn't listen. she also doesn't believe in nap schedules or the fact that she is allergic to cow's milk (or just won't respect the fact at all that we just don't wanna give that to DD in the first place). everytime she visits DD is too overtired at night and DH never gets to sleep cause it takes us SO long to put her to bed, and by then DH has to go to work.

it's frustrating cause it seems like my mother's feelings are always more important than DD's rest, health, feelings, and ofcourse our own rest and feelings. my siblings and i were raised by CIO and formula, which worked wonders apparently and we were all very 'quiet' and 'obedient' as small children. goodness! i just remember it being 'boring' and 'scary,' haha!

sorry for the long posts i just needed to vent.. DH is already upset by her controlling ways and he doesn't like to think about it more than he should. i was just hoping CLW forums has some coping methods with people who were strongly against it since many seem to do it with confidence.

did you mean 'don't let her near you next time your breastfeed'?

[tibeca]

Let me start by saying good for nursing this far. It can be REALLY hard when you don't have the emotional support of your family.

Having said that, I have 1 rule with my daughter and family visiting. My child, my rules. I welcome visitors, but as soon as people stop following my rules (like offering foods I don't approve of, questioning parenting style, forcefully offering advice), they have to leave. On many occasions, I have said, "It was wonderful for you to drive the 4 hours to visit us. I wish we had more time, but we have to ... I hope to see you soon." <Close door, return to life as usual>

That means, if you don't like my nursing, leave my house. If you don't like that I don't feed my child junk food, leave my house. If you man handle my child, leave my house. This is your child, and you have the right to parent her your way. Your mom had her chance to raise you and your siblings. Now, its your turn. Next time on the phone, express your concern with her behavior. Explain that you are an adult, and it is your right to raise your child your way. You are making the right decisions for you, your child and your family. Make it clear that it makes you not want to visit with her when she second guesses you, interferes, overrules you. Set some basic ground rules and go from there. Family that interferes should get the same response, "I am sorry that mom is upset, but parenting my child is my job. If she wants to visit, she understands the conditions." End of conversation.

My poor DH has had a similar conversation with his mother regularly (not always about child rearing). I often hear him say to her, "Mom, this isn't something I am willing to discuss. I have made my decision and am sticking to it. If you have nothing else to talk about, then I will talk with you later." This same line can be used when visiting too (it has made many a visit cut unnecessarily short).

Much luck, and stick to your principles.

[PGTlatte]

I don't know what to tell you except that the folks who say negative things about nursing past one are flat wrong.....and personally, if my mother, or any other human on the planet, treated me and my child the way your mother treated you and your DD, I would cut off all contact until that person agreed to disagree and treat us with respect. I would not waste another calorie of energy working on convincing someone like that to agree with me....but I would make it clear that her behavior is toxic and completely unacceptable to me.

Originally Posted by shotmama

it's frustrating cause it seems like my mother's feelings are always more important than DD's rest, health, feelings, and ofcourse our own rest and feelings.

Your mother can only manipulate you as much as you allow it. As for the rest of your family harassing you...tell them to get over it, and themselves. If they won't leave you alone, stop answering their calls. They can leave messages all they want...you only need to respond to the ones that are nice.

Parenting will offer you many opportunities to learn to establish more healthy boundaries with your family. The current issue is probably only the first of many to come. If you establish those boundaries now, it will save you similar trouble down the road. If you give in to their manipulation, you likely have years and years of more of it to look forward to.

I know what it is like to have family members who express doubt about many decisions you make...how much it can wear you down. Know this - you really are capable of making your own very good decisions about caring for your child, and other areas of your life as well. Your family does not need to weigh in on everything. You will do just fine. Try to surround yourself with friends and other people who are more supportive of you.

[MyBoysBlue]

I'm not very good at saying what I'm thinking when I am speaking face to face. So I kept a printout of this http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html page in my diaper bag just in case some one made any remarks about my DS still nursing. I must of had a don't mess with me or at least looked confident enough that no one ever asked me about it. My mom commented a few times disapprovingly but my Dad actually was the one to comment that he thought it was a great way to comfort toddlers. I think they must have discussed it in private.

[ewe+lamb]

I'm sorry that you have been going through this - but well done for standing up for what you believe to be right.

ITA with others that say that your mother has had her turn as mother and now it's your turn, she needs to take on the role of grandmother and not mother - its a difficult transition for her to make, especially when it sounds as if she has very strong beliefs and thinks that she can still tell you what to do and think - she's still seeing you as a child.

If you ever get the chance when your mother mentions that her methods were more successful I'd mention that you found it to be a scary and frightening time - I remember my mother showing me the cot that my siblings and I slept in - she saw it in a very emotional maternal light, I on the other hand was shocked, a wooden cot with bars and teeth marks scraped all around it - it took a long time for my mother to even mention it again. I could go on for pages on how this has affected things between us, but anyway, i just wanted you to know that you can tell your mother that that time in your life wasn't all roses.

The fact that you go out of the room to accommodate them is rather upsetting to me; especially if it is in your own home, if they are not comfortable with the fact that you are breastfeeding your child then anyone can leave.

I'd try to go to LLL meetings to get support around you with other mothers, cut contact until she agrees to respect you, your dh and child, and your choices.

You are an intelligent adult she needs to start treating you like one - tell her to stop behaving like a spoilt child - she'll grumble for a while but she'll know that you are on to her game.

[Marissamom]

for the people who are saying that it will be damaging for her to remember it, remind them that she isn't going to permanently remember things that happen before she's three.

for the "forcing her" maybe remind that she was just asking to nurse?

and "fresh" milk is how old?

I just try to research my decisions enough to back them up if it comes up, and educate the people who are questioning me. I haven't really had too many questions about nursing beyond a year, but I have a couple come-backs. "My mom nursed my sisters and I until we were 2-3" "Babies nursed for more than a year have more benefits from nursing" "the global age for weaning is 5" "I think it's important for her to have mom's milk since she's allergic to cow's milk"

I did have both my MIL and my dad's girlfriend ask me if I was going to wean after I got pregnant with baby 2. I took it as an opportunity to educate about tandem nursing, since both were having babies at a time when nursing through pregnancy was discouraged.

[pinky]

Is there a LLL group near you? The support of other nursing moms is really invaluable when you're facing criticism about nursing. Here's a link to help you find a group near you:
http://www.llli.org/Webindex.html?m=0,0,2

[shotmama]

wow, that's a lot of input, and a lot of y'alls feelings really coincide with how i feel, so it's comforting to know that there are others who think in a similar way.

i wish i could explain more about my folk's background because for some reason i still feel a need to explain their habits, maybe to humanize them in my own mind, but since this is the internet i'm not quite comfortable doing that, yet.

however, i do think it's essential to mention that i am the first of my family to breastfeed. my mother and all her sisters never did it. my father's sisters have never done it either. they felt they were doing their motherly duty to give their children cow's milk. allergic reactions such as vomiting were passed off as 'normal' reactions for babies. also, someone from LLL (in the last town i used to live in) had also told me that BF mothers have been more 'in tune' with baby's needs, so when i know she is hungry or wants to nurse, i know. however all the relatives are used to 'don't feed baby until they cry for it,' because i assume that is how some formula fed babies ask for food? for my DD and i, it's just a simple look or a soft tug on my shirt, or even a nuzzle in my breast. but when she is with someone else she just freezes and doesn't know what to do. and usually when others are around i don't get to hold my own daughter as much as i would if they were not there. and when i ask for her back to check if she is hungry, people get insulted as if i don't want her to bond with anyone else, and that is certainly not the case. just, if a few hours pass by, you know.. i just wanna be sure. i think the root of the problem is that no one i'm surrounded by is familiar with BF or how it works. i did seek support with LLL but my hubby and i have long since moved away and we are on a low income budget with one car. so i can never make it meetings anymore since they are always on weekdays. attending those in the past really helped lift my spirits though. made me feel 'normal.' haha!

i know i am not wrong in our decisions. i just get saddened sometimes that others don't even seem to want to understand. they take my decisions personally, like a slap in the face saying they had raised their own children wrong, when i don't think that at all.

i've handed a few pieces of papers about benefits at the beginning to my mother and father, but they were just grabbed and thrown away. my father later told me, 'even if we are wrong, you must agree that we are right to make us feel better. you don't respect us.' the culture they made up in their minds still say that respect doesn't have to go both ways between parent and child.

to be honest i would like to stop seeing my mother until i am done BFing, LOL! but i still feel like that would be running away somehow? but i'm glad that many of you had said you wouldn't allow it and would stop seeing her, even if she is your mother, because it makes me feel less guilty about not wanting to see her.

i guess my worries go beyond this extended BF thing, but i feel if i could figure out a way for all of us to deal with the BF thing better, then everything else would fall into place as well?

i think the main problem is that although we are married and with child, our status as married couple, us being educated adults, and with child, are not yet recognized. so they might see me as someone who does not know what she is doing when extended breastfeeding?

i think i will lessen contact with them again for now..

on a good note, DD seems happy! unaware of the weirdness (or so i hope). i take her to other people who are not related and she plays with their kids. i get no mistreatment from those mamas when they see me BF, hehe!

[Marissamom]

It sounds like things are rough with your parents, and this is just one catalyst. Best advice I can give is to stand up for yourself as a decision-making adult. It might make things rougher for a while, but it usually pays off once the parents adjust to the idea that their kid is an adult now, and no longer under their control.

[shotmama]

yeah, thanks for those words mama! hearing that totally empowers a person. i feel more validated now..

[ElliesMomma]

you've gotten good advice, which i won't rehash. but i've just one thought to add -- that life often gives us exactly what we need to grow. apparently, you need this situation with your mother (parents) to grow into the strong, self directed woman you are already becoming. congratulations! so the more you stand your ground and just keep on keeping on, doing what you KNOW is best, you are not only benefitting your daughter and your relationship with her... but you are also benefitting yourself and your lifelong relationship with your own self, becoming stronger and self directed, and confident in your own decisions. good job!!

[shotmama]

yea, i didn't realize how much i was catering to my folks until people here pointed it out. leaving the room so THEY are not uncomfortable, and never talking about it because THEY don't wanna hear it. it's nothing to be ashamed of and perhaps by leaving the room they think that i may be ashamed of it, which might encourage them to 'help' me with their advice.

i've also decided to say the words 'husband and wife' when referring to me and my husband. and 'my daughter' referring to dd. or 'my baby.' i just didn't before cause it would have been weird to state the obvious. it's like saying 'this is my brother' to people who already know.

also, i think when i made this post i made in fear that if i did stand up to them the next time, it would end in them hitting me again. it was the first time they had layed a hand on me in 8 years, since i was away in university and then in another country teaching children. so i had forgotten how set they were in their ways. so after much talking with my husband, we've decided to never leave me and DD alone with them (that is when they usually get nasty).

i know many of you might be thinking 'you should cut yourself off from them,' and although that is something i would like to do at the moment, for some reason i cannot bring myself to do that entirely, yet. i often think, 'when is too much too much?' i really don't know. but i will limit contact for now.

must go now, DD getting antsy with the keyboard hehe

[Buzzer Beater]

Originally Posted by shotmama

when DD was around 5 months my mother even got pretty violent towards me about it when it was brought up, because i got pretty snappy defensive about not weaning. neighbors even saw and called the police.

Over BREASTFEEDING? wow. I thought my mom was not supportive but that's extreme. I am also the first in my family to BF, and I get some funny loooks, my mom always recommends formula etc, but violent? I'm sorry you have to go through that, you are a tough cookie for doing what's best for your babe under the circumstances. No one has a right to lay a hand on you for anything... you asked when it is too much I think's it now.

[Ruthla]

This is the time to stand up to your parents about your being an adult and capable of making your own decisions. She doesn't have to agree with anything you decide, but she does have to respect you and how you raise your child. Let her know that you love her and you know she did the best she could for you when you were a baby (whether or not you beleive this is true.) Your choosing to breastfeed is NOT disrespecting her decision to formula feed when you were a baby.

You don't have to completely cut her out of your life to set limits- walk out of the room if she's rude to you, end visits early if she's rude, and schedule shorter visits to begin with.

Don't let your mom in the nursing room with you. Don't discuss nursing duration or weaning with your parents- if they bring it up, change the subject. And I wouldn't let her babysit- it sounds like they'd completely ignore your decisions and do things like let her CIO at naptime and feed her foods she's allergic to.

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by shotmama

also, i think when i made this post i made in fear that if i did stand up to them the next time, it would end in them hitting me again. it was the first time they had layed a hand on me in 8 years, since i was away in university and then in another country teaching children. so i had forgotten how set they were in their ways. so after much talking with my husband, we've decided to never leave me and DD alone with them (that is when they usually get nasty).

If one of your parents actually hit you during that episode when the police were called.....and you are afraid they will hit you even now....then heck yes, you should never ever be alone with them, with or without your child. IMO you should not ever see them without your DH there, or at least be in a public place where they will not dare to strike you. I am so sad you need to fear violence from your own parents. There is way more than just breastfeeding that is an issue here. It sounds like they rely on being able to control you through fear. You need to protect the physical and emotional safety of yourself and your child.

[Marissamom]

Originally Posted by shotmama

i know many of you might be thinking 'you should cut yourself off from them,' and although that is something i would like to do at the moment, for some reason i cannot bring myself to do that entirely, yet. i often think, 'when is too much too much?' i really don't know. but i will limit contact for now.

They are your parents, and even if you don't get along well right now, you still love them. though it does sound like avoiding being alone with them right now would be a good idea. whatever you decide to do, good luck, I'm sure you'll be able to make the decision that's best for you and your LO.

[Lisa85]

Originally Posted by shotmama

also, i think when i made this post i made in fear that if i did stand up to them the next time, it would end in them hitting me again. it was the first time they had layed a hand on me in 8 years, since i was away in university and then in another country teaching children. so i had forgotten how set they were in their ways. so after much talking with my husband, we've decided to never leave me and DD alone with them (that is when they usually get nasty).

Oh, Mama! Please get yourself out of thie situation No one deserves to be treated like that. "Cultural" doesn't mean jack crap to me when it comes to abuse. It is no excuse and even if it is cultural, it isn't in THIS culture so who cares what their culture says. Our culture says it's abuse.

Please cut them out. They don't deserve you or your grandchild and their way of still treating you as a child is a way of continuing the abuse. Do you see that they are still trying to control you as if you were still a young child? And do you see that even though not physical, it is abuse?

[crunchy_mommy]

The more I read as you posted more, the more I feel like this is an abusive situation you are in. Were you hit & abused growing up too? (You don't have to answer to us obviously if you're not comfortable, but thinking about this may help clarify for you exactly why you are not able to stand up to them.) My DH was not exactly abused I guess but he was hit as punishment & it perhaps bordered on abuse, and as a result he has had a lot of trouble separating himself from their expectations of him & realizing he is a grown man with his own wife & kid now. He's always afraid to say the wrong thing, to hurt or disappoint them, to go against their wishes, etc., and he said it all comes back to that fear of being hit. I don't know if your experience is at all similar to his, but give it some thought & consider talking to a therapist about this. I do think limiting contact with them, as well as making sure your DH is there with you when you visit, is a reasonable approach. I have a hard time cutting out even the most toxic family members in my life because, well, they are family. But I do feel comfortable limiting contact with them and making sure it's on my terms (i.e. rather than invite people to your house, travel to their house or neutral territory so that you can simply leave when you've had enough). You don't need to bow down to anyone else's expectations of you. Their comfort around BF'ing is not nearly as important as your DD's need to nurse. I do nurse in a different room around certain people when possible, because I know they are uncomfortable, but it's not always possible. I do keep DS in my arms or by my side the entire time I'm visiting family, although that's as much his choice as mine. People -- even family -- need to prove to me that they are trustworthy before they're allowed to even take DS into another room (and that means they will not feed him foods he can't have, they will respect his requests to come back to mommy or to be put down, that DS is comfortable with them, etc. Many people can pass all these tests within 3 minutes but others still haven't passed them and he's already 20mos old.) You & your DD deserve to have your needs and choices respected, and no facade of a relationship is worth losing that basic respect.