How do you deal with the sheer loneliness of it all?

[monkeybum]

DH and I plan to separate after 9 years of marriage. I'm the one formally initiating it, but DH has said several times that he doesn't love me, stays in the marriage for financial reasons (I make more than him) and says he would probably be happier living elsewhere. We fight all the time.

I've known for a few years that he doesn't love me, and I've felt very lonely in my marriage, but he told me again today that he is only in the marriage for financial reasons. He's also very unloving to me (they thought I had cancer and his response was "I hope you have insurance", among other numerous examples of how he treats me).

I don't have a very good relationship with my mom, though we are friendly to each other and she lives nearby, she criticizes me and my kids constantly and is borderline cruel to my kids (emotionally and mentally). She speaks badly of them to my sister and me, and to my kids themselves, so I try not to spend very much time with her. Yet my sister's kids can do no wrong. Growing up I always felt that she loved my brother and sister more, and actions I've seen as an adult still make me feel this way, (just one example - she took my sister's whole family and mine to a resort for my sister's 40th birthday; on my 40th she did nothing, didn't even phone me). I've probably cried every single day since I turned 40 (10 months ago) when I think of that because it feels like "proof" that she doesn't really love me.

My dad is great and I know he loves me, but he is older and doesn't live nearby, my parents are divorced and he's always been a bit of a distant father. I see him 2 or 3 times a year at holidays.

My brother lives on another continent and I haven't seen him in a few years. My sister lives a few hours away, and doesn't seem to really like me. She always turns down invitiations to get together unless she wants something, she has taken advantage of me a few times to get me to buy her or her kids stuff, she criticizes my kids a lot, and my mom has told me some things she's said about me so I don't feel like I have an ally, or someone who really cares about me there either.

I have 6 girlfriends from high school that I see 2 or 3 times a year, but I don't feel very close to them, and many of them didn't show up to a get together my one friend put together for my 40th, just dinner at a restaurant (after I'd been to all of their 40th's). When we last got together they asked how things were going with DH and when I started to tell them I was planning to leave him, they all got uncomfortable, changed the subject, some got up and left the room and one turned the music on loud...

My one friend (who tried to get some people together for my 40th) has been my best friend for 25 years, but we have really grown apart the last few years as she is a stay at home mom while I work full time. We also ended up with total opposite parenting styles, which made us have less in common.

I've tried to make other friends, but it's hard when I work full time and then have my kids on my own every night, and my husband doesn't like being alone with the kids so it's nearly impossible for me to go anywhere. And it's only going to get harder to make friends as a single mom since I won't have any time to do anything (DH will not likely want to take the kids for any amount of time, and they probably won't want to go with him).

I'm just feeling so totally alone, and like nobody cares about me. I just can't get past the sadness and the fear - how do you cope with this as a single mom? Nobody has my back. Nobody will look after me if I'm sick. I have nobody I can turn to for support, and I just feel like other than my kids, nobody really likes me or cares about me.

I think I'm a good person. I've always been a positive person, I really like to help others who are less fortunate, people say I am very generous and patient. I have never had trouble making friends. I've always been very social. But here I am, 40 years old about to be a single mom and I feel like I have nobody in this world I can count on, nobody looking out for me, or that I can lean on.

Every single night I wake up about 3am and cry for an hour or two, just feeling so alone. And I'm scared of losing the few casual friends I have because I'm afraid that couples won't want to be friends or hang out with a single lady and her kids. (There are a few couples we see socially with kids close in age to ours).

Anyway, sorry for my pity-party. Maybe I need to start going to church again.

Thanks for listening.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I think from your post, you are already alone and you know it. I think the key is to get rid of all the junk in your life that doesn't suit you now and look for more positive things. A church is a great idea. There is nothing wrong with being alone. I'm older than you and my kids are little (6 and 8) and I'm alone. And I work all day, then pick up the kids from after school care and then care for them all week and on the weekends I try to get this house ready to go on the market, laundry, groceries, etc. It's not much of a life.
But I do have the hope that someday the house will sell, that I will get a much more meaningful and enjoyable job, that I will maybe meet someone. And I get lonely--but I don't dwell on it. I look for books that I might want to read when the kids go to sleep, or find some other diversion. I'm newly separated and my husband (though I was blindsided) really wasn't a good and kind person to ME. He is really good and kind to others, but I don't think I demanded the respect I need, so there it is. I'd rather be alone than to be treated like that. This realization didn't come overnight. I cry a lot and I feel terrible about many aspects of my life. But I hope things will improve.
ANd yes, church is a wonderful thing if you have one.

[haydn'smommy]

Like you, we are ending a 9 yr relationship and I've felt very alone in the last few years of our marriage. Since he told me that he truly wanted out, I've started going to church again. I've reached out to a few ladies at work who have also been through divorce and developed some new friendships and supports systems there as well. I spend more time with my children and I'm picking up some old hobbies that I had let go. I'm slowly learning to be okay with being alone and to not feel lonely.
It will take time. I definitely think that starting with finding a church is a good idea. I know it has done wonders for me.

[Minxie]

I work, take care of my son, hang out on the 'net, develop new hobbies, and volunteer. I'm learning to knit right now and this year we am making our Christmas presents. I love to volunteer at events/places where I can bring my son with me but those are few and far between. I take him to blood drives with me when I give blood, we worked with the Boys and Girls Club doing the yard work, and next year he will go with me to the local Special Olympics event (now that I know how it's done here.) We picked up a part-time gig doing babysitting for a local gym one evening a week in exchange for a gym membership so he goes with me to do that. I'm also working on getting my house into some kind of organized shape.

I remind myself that this will not be forever and I take it one day at a time. I force myself to take my son out in public because he's extroverted and needs the peeps. I made friends (well, my son did and I tagged along) with our neighbors.

[MsChatsAlot]

There are good people out there just waiting for a good friend. Finding and making friends does take some effort, but it will pay off in spades. There are also single parenting groups and you might find other single moms with similar interests.

I agree with the pp who said you are already lonely. I felt more alone in my marriage than I ever have as a single mom. Yes, there are times when I feel lonely as a single mom, but there were many times I felt lonely in my marriage. Loneliness is less about the circumstances and more about how we feel inside.

As another pp said, let go of all those people and relationships that aren't serving you well and look at your separation as a new beginning...one with opportunities for new friendships, support, love and happiness.

[*MamaJen*]

I felt so much more alone in a bad relationship than I do now as a single mom. Seriously, it can be amazing what kind of resources you start to build up when you're single. You're not sinking all your energy into a dead relationship, and suddenly you have so much more time and energy to build up friendships and family relationships.
I am much happier and much less lonely now that I'm a year out of the relationship.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by monkeybum

I'm just feeling so totally alone, and like nobody cares about me. I just can't get past the sadness and the fear - how do you cope with this as a single mom? Nobody has my back. Nobody will look after me if I'm sick. I have nobody I can turn to for support,

well mama to be honest you never really get over it. sometimes you just have to deal with it. THAT is what i miss the most. i have no one place, not one where i know i can go to in my darkest hour of need and find the doors open. i have lots of support, lots of friends but not the ONE. yeah my mom lives far away too.

mama i am quite excited for you. i celebrate all your sadness and fears. its wierd i know but mama go thru it honestly - respecting all the emotions you are going thru now. dont ignore them. walk with them.

as you start this new journey these emotions are your buddies that is helping you out, showing you how to proceed. live through them. get to know them very well mama... because once they are gone they are gone forever. you will never ever feel so deeply again because you have met them at their very worst and gotten to know them.

take one step at a time mama. leave each moment at a time.

you will lose some friends. but you will gain some life long friends. you do not yet know the freedom that comes from being a single mom. or how the world so loves and supports a single mom. you havent been touched by strangers yet. where for a second that stranger and you connect deeply and they become your closest friend.

note every moment mama. journal if you can. because 5, even 2 years from now you will be at a different place and you wont believe you were where you are now.

the journey of a single mom is a unique empowering journey and the best is to watch yourself become you.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by monkeybum

I'm just feeling so totally alone, and like nobody cares about me. I just can't get past the sadness and the fear - how do you cope with this as a single mom? Nobody has my back. Nobody will look after me if I'm sick. I have nobody I can turn to for support, and I just feel like other than my kids, nobody really likes me or cares about me.

I think I'm a good person. I've always been a positive person, I really like to help others who are less fortunate, people say I am very generous and patient. I have never had trouble making friends. I've always been very social. But here I am, 40 years old about to be a single mom and I feel like I have nobody in this world I can count on, nobody looking out for me, or that I can lean on.

So, I was in a bad relationship, and thought I had no friends. Then, I got out of my relationship, and all my friends came back. They were truly there for me - one friend even served my ex papers! I have a MUCH better support network now than I EVER did in my relationship! People I hardly thought of as friends are truly there for me in a way I never would have thought. And, while they don't exactly take care of me when I'm sick, they would all be more than willing to take care of my son while I'm sick! Which is the next best thing.

Don't count people out just yet. Start telling people whats going on, and see how they react (I would stay away from mutual friends until you know where their loyalty lies though).

[haydn'smommy]

Originally Posted by thyra

So, I was in a bad relationship, and thought I had no friends. Then, I got out of my relationship, and all my friends came back. They were truly there for me - one friend even served my ex papers! I have a MUCH better support network now than I EVER did in my relationship! People I hardly thought of as friends are truly there for me in a way I never would have thought. And, while they don't exactly take care of me when I'm sick, they would all be more than willing to take care of my son while I'm sick! Which is the next best thing.

Don't count people out just yet. Start telling people whats going on, and see how they react (I would stay away from mutual friends until you know where their loyalty lies though).

Ain't this the truth!!!! OMG, I never knew how many friends had avoided me because they didn't like how my STBX treated me and didn't like being around the misery and tension that was our relationship. I didn't even know!!!! I was actually scared of telling people at first, but once I reached out and told my friends, I found all these people who were just waiting to hold me up and support me.

[vannienicole]

I just wanted to say that it took a while to do, but I started going out and making new friends. I got involved in my daughter school, became co-leader of her GS troop, joined a meetup of moms in the area, started talking and meeting the other substitutes at the schools I work at, etc. I found that as lonely as I am (and quite often at that) that I didn't HAVE to be lonely, ya know?

Some days it is still tough, especially weekends when the kids are at their dad's and I have nothing planned besides my geology lab work (which is solitary work with no coworkers). As a reference, I have very little family and none that live closer than 3.5 hours away. 2 months after I left my ex, my father who I was close to suddenly died. I have worked hard to maintain friendships through the rough times. Just make sure to treat your friends that you still have around well. This is a great opportunity to do a friendship check up and make sure that you are also being a great friend to others as well. I know it's hard, but you will make it through this rough time.

[Learning_Mum]

Originally Posted by meemee

you havent been touched by strangers yet. where for a second that stranger and you connect deeply and they become your closest friend.

This is so true. When DH left there were so many strangers that were so very, very kind to me. Even though I didn't know them at all they made me feel so cared about. It's quite amazing.