Do you make them give back the toy they grabbed?

[oceanbaby]

So if a toddler (say under 4yo) grabs a toy from another toddler, you ask them to give it back and they refuse, despite all your best GD tricks, do you force it out of their hand and give it back to the other kid? Or do you explain to the other kid that so and so isn't ready to give it back, and try to redirect them? What if the kid is really upset and wants it back? Does it depend on whose toy it was to begin with?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, because I've been on both sides of it during different playgroups, and I'm not always sure what to do when one of them refuses to give it back.

[gardeningmom]

If one child grabs a toy from another child that is rude behaviour (mine have done it ) . When it is my child that is doing the grabbing they have to give it back, if not then it reinforces the rude behaviour. Now if someone elses kid grabs from mine I let the mother handle it how she sees fit and hope it works out

When my first was young she didn't like sharing, so if she wanted to take a toy with her I told she had to be willing to share or the toy needed to stay home. Now if we had other children coming over I would let her put any toys she didn't want to share in my closet before the other children arrived. That really cut down on her getting upset with the other kids. I think she felt like she had a little control and if she had a favorite toy she didn't like sharing she felt like it was safe. I don't know if this was the best thing to do, but it made play days a lot easier.

[Clarity]

DD's on 2.5, but our reaction depends on on several things....whose toy is is? where are we? what is the other child's reaction? What led up to it? Did she try asking nicely for a turn first? Sometimes I take the toy, occasionally she keeps the toy (though often we discuss how she could have done it better), sometimes we give it back, sometimes briefly, to be turned over shortly as a supervised "turn". But say, another child's toy in their house? Give it back, and perhaps negotiate a "turn", unless it's a precious toy and they I suggest putting it away. Sometimes I quickly discuss the strategy with the other parent on a case by case basis. At this age, it happens both ways all the time. With kids we see a lot we often offer equivalent, substitute, or duplicate toys when we're running into it too much. (two rubber lizards, two wooden spoons, one red umbrella and one purple umbrella, etc.) Dunno if this is how I should actually do it or not!

[Piglet68]

Yes, I do make her give it back. And often that involves physically taking it from her. I try VERY hard to avoid this situation at all costs, and kwwp a close eye on her when she's playing with others for that reason. But I know that if a kid takes a toy from her, I want it given right back, so that's why I give the toy back when she grabs it. Fortunately, this hasn't been much of an issue yet!

Also, what gardeningmom said about hiding the fave toys is a really good one. My DD is incredibly attached to her "Elmo" doll right now, and if a child were to take it, well it just devastates her. So we don't bring Elmo to playgroups, lol. I also like the idea of getting her to hide fave toys herself when she's older. Definitely gives a sense of some control over their world (and I think that's what is so hard about grabbing and being grabbed from - the feeling of helplessness).

[mamaduck]

Yes, I "make him" give it back. Usually I'll give him the choice to hand it back himself, or let me "help" him give it back. Then I coach him through the process of asking for a turn, and then asking if his turn can be soon.

[beaner&tiegs]

Yaaaaa, tough one as I'd really rather not physically force the toy out of my child's hand, but also believe that the toy should be given back. A few of my thoughts around this, as we spend a lot of time playing with other kids so inevitably it comes up lots:

- one mom thinks a lot about how she wants to treat her child as she herself would like to be treated, so when this child takes something from my daughter, we've all sat there while this mom spends 10-15 minutes trying to negotiate the thing back, and discuss it with her. I really admire the patience, and I can see how this would be wonderful in an ideal world, but what actually ends up happening is that my child ends up getting really upset during this time and I can't help but feel that the other child is getting the majority of the consideration in this scenario, and ultimately the mom has to physically remove the toy anyways, as this child has yet to give something back willingly. (also, in the adult world, we would be forced as well to give things back if we took them, by the police - extreme example, but it's a reality that kids need to learn IMO)
- all toys in the play area are for everyone to play with. If something is put away before the play date that's fair enough, but once all the kids are there, it doesn't matter whose toy it really is, if someone is playing with it they have a right to it. You can ask for it, and negotiate turns or whatever (with the help of the adults if need be), but you cannot take it away. If my child takes it away, I definitely explain that that is not okay, and use the "do you want to give it back yourself, or do you want me to give it back for you?"
- after quite a few months of hands on working through these scenarios, and being consistant on the expectations, it's rarely a problem now. Now it's just a meltdown because one wants what the other has, and we deal with that, rather than physically taking toys away.
- ALso, makes it a million times easier when everyone agrees on basic ground rules. ie it's hardly fair when my child has to share everything, and at someone elses house that child can take something away because it's their toy. However, life's not fair, and since I can't make everyone believe my way is the only way we talk lots about how different families have different ways of living/different rules, and this is how we live!

[scoutycat]

Yep, she gets one chance to give it back on her own, and one chance to let me help her give it back, and then I'm just giving it back.

[gaffa]

Like scouty, I give him the opportunity first, remind him that we don't grab things from people's hands, we ask for a turn. Sometimes he cries. I rarely have to force it from his hands but I certainly will if I have to. I don't feel like it's a "his choice" situation. I explain he will get a turn in a few minutes. He handles sit very well once the other choild has toy back in hand, tends to ask, and often enough the other child gives him a turn when HE asks nicely. I don't think it's fair to put the other child through an emotional moment when mine is misbehaving.

[BusyMommy]

yep
I always ask him to return it, then I will "assist" him in returning it. I try to stay very positive as I wouldn't want to affect how others perceive him. But, I definitely don't want him to learn it's okay to take w/o permission and then keep it..

[gaffa]

Definitely I keep a positive upbeat tone about it.

[sunnmama]

Lately, I've been phrasing things that dd "needs" to do (picking up something thrown in anger, returning a grabbed toy...) as "you need to do this". I also explain why, of course--that it makes the other child sad, etc. And then I just kind of back off. And the vast majority of the time, she does it. I watch with my peripheral vision, and she will do what she "needs" to do almost immediately.

This is interesting to me, because she is a VERY strong-willed person, and she WILL NOT do what she "needs" to do if I try to coach her through it, coax her to, help her. That will result in me taking it from her and her having a fit. She needs me to inform the standard, and then butt out, and she will do it on her own. But ONLY on her own. Since I've started this, I've not had to remove anything from her hands.