3 YO Arguing For No Reason

[featherstory]

I cannot talk to my three year old... everything I say she argues against it. I cannot get her to understand that she needs to listen to me and do the things I ask her to do.

She's not altogether horrible, a lot of the time she does what I ask, but when she's in the mood, if she's not she consistently argues with me. Eventually I lose it!

Right now she's in the tent(her time out spot) and I'm trying to get her out of it, but every time I explain to her that she gets out for relaxing and listening to me, she argues against what I say!

[MusicianDad]

She's 3. She's supposed to argue with you. It's part of her development. She's learning that what mom says isn't the same as what she thinks and that she can say what she thinks the same way mom can.

You really have to just figure out what is worth the fight and what isn't. Also, if you have a habit of doing it, this is a good time to break the "because I said so" habit. A 3 year old is much more forgiving of that than an older child who will likely stop listening as soon as that reasoning gets spoken.

[mamazee]

To quote Mark Twain, "Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it."

3-year-olds LOVE to argue and get into power struggles. That's where they are and what they live for. Save the arguments for things of serious importance, like safety issues and that kind of thing. Try to avoid power struggles. Punishing for this behavior won't stop it, as it's a developmental stage. It's like punishing a 2-year-old for tantrums. They'll still have tantrums until they outgrow them, and punishments don't make the tantrums stop sooner.

They're as much toddlers as kids at that age, so on the days she's acting more toddlerish, I'd just go with it and handle whatever it is like you would with a 24-month-old. Hold her hand and walk her through it.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

She's 3. She's supposed to argue with you. It's part of her development. She's learning that what mom says isn't the same as what she thinks and that she can say what she thinks the same way mom can.

You really have to just figure out what is worth the fight and what isn't. Also, if you have a habit of doing it, this is a good time to break the "because I said so" habit. A 3 year old is much more forgiving of that than an older child who will likely stop listening as soon as that reasoning gets spoken.

This.

Also arguing with her reinforces her new argumentative behavior. Staying calm and polite when your DD isn't, shows her what kind of behavior is acceptable in your family. It's better to try to model only the behaviors you want her to have and when you lose control let her know it's not acceptable behavior by apologizing. This will also work when your DD has other annoying normal developmental behaviors. Talking calmly helps defuse their anger, negativity, upset or frustration.

[lach]

When I read the thread title, my first thought was "well, she's three. That's a reason."

I agree that you have to pick your battles. I find that the fewer things I make non-negotiable, the more likely she is to do not only those things but also the negotiable things as well.

At this age, they're just testing testing testing. They don't know what you REALLY mean. "When Mommy says no to this, does she really mean "no!" or is she gonna relent? I think I'll see." So I think that a very important thing is that you REALLY have to stick by what you say. And this is hard, it really is. Which means that you really need to decide which things are absolutely "no, you may NOT do that" and which other things are "well, I'd rather you didn't, but if you REALLY want to" and which things are "Hmm. We'll see."

Also, long explanations just go over their heads. Short explanations are good, and I think that even young children this age deserve some explanation and not just to be barked "no!" at... but you definitely have to keep things developmentally appropriate and understand that no matter how precocious, she just doesn't have the logical reasoning skills to understand hypothetical cause and effects and to really understand what you're getting at if you make the explanation too complicated.

I thought the book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" was helpful in terms of offering an interesting paradigm about reasoning with toddlers and preschool aged kids.

[mooshersmama]

I am so happy to find this thread!! DD has become very argumentative...her default answer seems to be NO, no matter the question. I'll be checking out these strategies for dealing.

[nextcommercial]

LOL.. Just this morning, my three year old daycare girl was playing dress up. She looked like Aunt B from Mayberry. So, I got my camera and said "hold your purse like this". (in the elbow)

She threw the purse on the floor, and stomped off.

Last week, I dropped yogurt on her pretzel. I took the pretzel and put it on another plate, and gave her a clean one. She glared at me, took the yogurty pretzel back, ate the whole thing, and refused to eat the clean one. But, if I had said "It's fine, you can eat it with yogurt", she would have refused.

It's just not worth the fight. I try to word everything so it seems like her idea

[Norasmomma]

That's what 3 year olds do

[gcgirl]

I agree with the PPs. I laughed when I saw the title of this thread. Arguing "for no reason?" That's her job!

[gcgirl]

I agree with the PPs. I laughed when I saw the title of this thread. Arguing "for no reason?" That's her job!

[Chicky2]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

LOL.. Just this morning, my three year old daycare girl was playing dress up. She looked like Aunt B from Mayberry. So, I got my camera and said "hold your purse like this". (in the elbow)

She threw the purse on the floor, and stomped off.

Last week, I dropped yogurt on her pretzel. I took the pretzel and put it on another plate, and gave her a clean one. She glared at me, took the yogurty pretzel back, ate the whole thing, and refused to eat the clean one. But, if I had said "It's fine, you can eat it with yogurt", she would have refused.

It's just not worth the fight. I try to word everything so it seems like her idea

Sounds like you live in my house, lol!

[Tsubaki]

Thankyouthankyouthankyou for all of these responses--I'm not the OP, but my almost-three is DRIVING ME UP THE WALL and it is SO HELPFUL to hear that it's because he's three, and not because I'm failing to teach him to behave properly...

[Artichokie]

IMO it is not for no reason - she has a great reason to argue with you. She is learning to think critically and developing the art of debate. Who better to try her new found skills on than her mama? Questioning authority and learning to think for herself might be annoying for you but it is helping her develop into the child/teen/adult she will someday become.

[phathui5]

I'm on my fourth three year old and I agree with the previous posters. Arguing and asserting themselves is what three year olds do best.

[Twinklefae]

My favourite is the arguing about things that just are. "We live up this street" "No!"

My standard answer for all of that is "Fine, we don't"

Doesn't change anything except the argument.

[meemee]

aaaaaah the beginning of the lawyer phase.

my favourite one from that stage was

ME: you have 3 mins and then we have to go
DD: no i want 2 mins.

honestly i looked upon it as a life skill and kinda encouraged dd to argue as she grew older. at that age i went along with it like the clean pretzel example... but along with the why's i combined it into a 'if you can give me a logical/reasonable reason as to do it your way i will follow your way'. yeah dd has won her way many times. in fact that's what stopped the lying in our house.

[NellieKatz]

My first thought: "for no reason"?

Just because it's not YOUR reason, doesn't mean it's NO reason. She's a different person, with different reasons.

Lots of good responses here. Along the way somebody said something like "I've learned to make suggestions that sound like they were her idea." How about making no suggestions at all? Let the child work it out, and if she wants a suggestion, you're more than happy to ask her the questions that will light the way to her coming up with one.

We parents offer suggestions and "help" more than we need to, and it insults them (in their eyes) and threatens their autonomy. That's why to us it seems illogical when we make a helpful suggestion and they freak out. They didn't WANT our help.

This happened with my son just yesterday. He is 7. He was working on making intricate clay characters in his room. His lamp, which was right next to where he was working in the dark room, was Off. So I turned it On. And also moved an object out of the way so the light would not be blocked and he could see better. He yelled at me to leave the light off and leave the object there and get out of his room; he wanted his privacy. (Just moments prior, I had asked if he minded my coming in the room and he said jovially No! Come on in!) So wow. I could have thought he had lost his last rational marble. But I remembered. I was "solving" for him. Totally unwanted, even if my solution (turning on the light) was rational in my book. I get it. It's hard to step back and just keep our mouths shut.

[lach]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz

My first thought: "for no reason"?

Just because it's not YOUR reason, doesn't mean it's NO reason. She's a different person, with different reasons.

Lots of good responses here. Along the way somebody said something like "I've learned to make suggestions that sound like they were her idea." How about making no suggestions at all? Let the child work it out, and if she wants a suggestion, you're more than happy to ask her the questions that will light the way to her coming up with one.

We parents offer suggestions and "help" more than we need to, and it insults them (in their eyes) and threatens their autonomy. That's why to us it seems illogical when we make a helpful suggestion and they freak out. They didn't WANT our help.

This happened with my son just yesterday. He is 7. He was working on making intricate clay characters in his room. His lamp, which was right next to where he was working in the dark room, was Off. So I turned it On. And also moved an object out of the way so the light would not be blocked and he could see better. He yelled at me to leave the light off and leave the object there and get out of his room; he wanted his privacy. (Just moments prior, I had asked if he minded my coming in the room and he said jovially No! Come on in!) So wow. I could have thought he had lost his last rational marble. But I remembered. I was "solving" for him. Totally unwanted, even if my solution (turning on the light) was rational in my book. I get it. It's hard to step back and just keep our mouths shut.

I think it depends on the tantrum. I agree that it's counterproductive to try to impose will or even really reason too much when kids are in this state, but I've often found that DD is looking for a way out of the emotional roller coaster she's gotten herself onto, and giving her some gentle choices that she thinks that she's making can create a situation where she feels that she's in control of the situation and that alone can help her get her emotions into check.

I try not to offer choices that reward the tantrum, but ones which offer a solution to what I'm gauging the original problem to be.

I think that the ability for a 3 year old and a 7 year old to reason and control their emotions is VASTLY different (7 is the age of reason, after all... and I really don't think I'd be buying the book that makes that claim about age 3 LOL). I think that 3 year olds are often looking for solutions that we can help with.