I am a crappy mom to my teen...

[Strong Mama]

I *spy* on my almost 17 year old son by looking at his facebook occasionally to see what he has been up to. I do not have a facebook, but have created a sign in just for this purpose.Friday night my teen went out of town with two friends to another friends 18th birthday party and to skate. I just read on the facebook my son was like *thanks for helping me out friday night dudes, when I got sick*. Of course, now i am wondering why he got sick. He does not drink, that I know of. He is very health conscious and works out alot and also we have offered him drinks of wine in the past and he has declined saying he hates the taste.He was fine Saturday when he came home about lunchtime. It made me realise, I think I let my son do too much. He is gone all the time. He works very hard in school, makes straight As in the college prep classes. He has martial arts 4x a week in the evenings plus he works out. On the weekends, he stays off at friends houses, or will come home at 3am when he has been down the road at a friends house. he goes out of town like an hour away sometimes overnight to his other friends house to stay. Hes very independent. I attached parented him when he was younger and I think it worked too well. He is also very moody, which I feel is probably normal for a teen anyway. Hes not over the top moody, but pretty moody. His stepmom found rolling papers in his car and he said it was a friends. I do know alot of his friends smoke pot, but I have never smelled it on him and he says he hasnt ever even tried it. Its not like I am a strict mom, he knows I dont want him to smoke it but I am laid back to where if he told me did, i woudlnt freak.So he would have no reason to lie to me. He didnt tell me about getting sick friday night. I want to ask him about it, but then he will know I read his FB and I dont want him to stop posting things on there..LOL..its my windows into his life.
I just feel like maybe.....I let him have too much freedom. but i dont know how to curb it. Hes not a bad kid, he doesnt mouth off, he does his chores, spends some time at home but not much, makes good grades....
i know this is rambly..i just feel like...im a crappy mom all of sudden.like i should lock him in his room or something.

[Arduinna]

Are you saying you created a fake name to read his stuff? Are you one of his facebook friends and he doesn't know it's you andyou are reading the non public stuff as a result? Or did you just create a facebook account with your real name and are reading his public posts?

Using a fake name, ya IMO that would be wrong. But just reading whatever he posts publically that anyone can see, not so much.

[Ruthla]

Yes, please elaborate.

I have my own Facebook page. If any of my kids wanted one, I'd say yes, but insist that I "friend" them on it. I would monitor what they posted, and I woudln't hide the fact. It would simply be part of the permission to use Facebook, and I'd impress upon them that the internet is a public place and you need to be careful what you post there.

I really don't know how to respond to "information about a teen obtained through spying" because I'd never "spy" on my kids. I respect their privacy, but I also let them know ahead of time what kinds of things simply aren't private.

Now you're in a tough spot. "Thanks for helping me when I got sick" could mean he got so drunk he puked, or that he ate spoiled food and puked, or it could be an in-joke because he didn't do either one or because he helped somebody else who got sick. You don't know and have no way of knowing.

Maybe you should open up a new Facebook account, in your own name, and ask to "friend" him, so he's well aware that you're reading his wall. Another approach woud be to simply talk to him, and without admitting that you spied on him, just let him know that you feel left out of part of his life, and would like to know more about what's going on. See how much he volunteers.

[ssh]

Because he's doing so well in school and he's almost an adult legally, I don't think you should try to give him less freedom. Actually at this point you should be building trust instead of spying on your almost adult child. The feeling that you should lock him in his room is probably from a fear of losing him as he becomes an adult. It's good that your DS has friends, interests and is independent. Those things will help him have a successful satisfying life as he becomes an adult. If he were home all the time and didn't have a social life it would be harder for him to go off on his own and deal with college, work and relationships.

One of my DDs is 24, so I know about the worry that comes from having a teen. Respecting your DS as a person with rights to privacy and building a comfortable relationship can mean the difference between a close adult relationship or occasional phone calls a few times a year. I like that I talk to my out of state college student almost daily. On the other hand I know people who talk to their mom less than once a month.

[mtiger]

This is kind of a tough one. Both of mine would be pretty pissed if they found out I was spying on them. And rightfully so.

All three of us have FB accounts, and I'm friended by both of them and a number of their friends - from what I can tell, they don't leave much out of what they post. (My daughter actually does tell me what she doesn't post.) I comment more on my son's page than I do my daughter's, but both know I read.

By 17, you and your son should be transitioning to a more adult relationship. While he is still technically a child, he won't be in a year or less.

[Strong Mama]

Thanks for the replies! I just have a facebook to log in, his account is public, my sister is on it, etc. I am NOT a fake friend on there. I have his password and log in info, however, the only time I log into his fb is when he wants me to upload pics I took with my camera onto his fb. He gave me his password/login. I have never logged in or read any of his messages/etc if I was logged in to post the pics. I respect his privacy in that respect. We have a pretty open relationship as far as he tells me about making out with girls and what have you, but I guess make he thought I would freak if he told me he puked when he was out of town because I would be like you need to come home if he told me then, and he didn't want to come home. He is super social.
I was just kidding about locking him away.....but it is scary. I think its hit me, he is almost an adult. Wow....

[whatsnextmom]

The rule to my 13-year-old having a facebook was that I'm her friend and I also have her codes. It doesn't mean I see everything. She can still chat and message people privately. It basically allows me to check who her "friends" are on occasion... you know, making sure we know the kids and no creepy 30-year-olds have made their way lol. Of course, we are talking about a 13-year-old.

Spying, well, I'm not totally opposed. Kids are different and can take different handling. For example, my DD is intensely private and she stresses ridiculously about dissapointing us. It's really sad considering I was the same and I did everything in my power to express to DD that I don't need her to be perfect... well, that's another post lol. Anyway, this past summer, I noticed on the phone bill a huge increase in texting to and from a particular phone number I didn't know. I had suspected it was a boy but I knew that if I said ANYTHING then, she would have totally broken off the friendship for fear we dissaproved.... even if we swore we didn't. So, I did sneak her phone, got the name and did a quick scan just to make sure it was PG. It was who we suspected and he's a fantastic boy (who has the decency to go to a different school, live 40 minutes away and be as busy as she is lol.) I'm actually grateful she has someone she can talk to as while she has a sea of superficial friends, it takes a very special person to get close to her and they've been very few and far between. So, I technically spied on her but I don't feel badly about it. I feel I have the right to know who my 13-year-old is communicating with first thing in the morning, the second school is out and at bedtime. I just know that had I brought it up, DD would have penalized herself as having done something "bad" no matter how supportive we could have been. I got the info I needed to be comfortable and in her own time (like 4 months later) she started mentioning this boy as her friend and still, very cautiously not wanting us to really know how special I suspect he is to her. "Spying" can have it's place.

[Arduinna]

I think that since he has given you his account and password info by choice that looking at his public page is not an invasion of privacy.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom

"Spying" can have it's place.

However, there is a HUGE difference between a 13yo and a 17yo. Huge.

[Strong Mama]

I just realised, I possibly accomplished what I wanted to accomplish as a parent for the most part: an independent, outgoing, productive member of society. All the attached parenting skills I used on him,even though I didnt even know about attached parenting back then(i was 18), really did make an inpact. He is very social, not afraid to try anything, smart, responsible(as responsible as a teen could be, thanks to I think natural consequences that I used instead of spankings) and wow. i think this is my A-HA moment as a parent. I did my job. I mean, I know he is still a child and I am still doing a job, but for the most part, I did a good job. Is there a pat myself on the back smilie.?? lol

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Strong Mama

i think this is my A-HA moment as a parent.

That's a pretty good feeling.

[whatsnextmom]

However, there is a HUGE difference between a 13yo and a 17yo. Huge.

I agree but I could imagine situations with older kids that you might go indirect routes to get info before making too big a deal over nothing. I'm not saying THIS particular situation warrunted it. It sounds like he's pretty much a good kid who does his part with family time, chores, school work ect. However, if you did think your child was in trouble and suspected that asking outright would only cause any evidence to vanish and the child to become more secretive, a little spying might be in order. If they are living in your house and you notice something is going wrong and had enough history to know upfront conversation wasn't going to work, well, you sort of have to do something.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by Strong Mama

I just realised, I possibly accomplished what I wanted to accomplish as a parent for the most part: an independent, outgoing, productive member of society. All the attached parenting skills I used on him,even though I didnt even know about attached parenting back then(i was 18), really did make an inpact. He is very social, not afraid to try anything, smart, responsible(as responsible as a teen could be, thanks to I think natural consequences that I used instead of spankings) and wow. i think this is my A-HA moment as a parent. I did my job. I mean, I know he is still a child and I am still doing a job, but for the most part, I did a good job. Is there a pat myself on the back smilie.?? lol

Sorry to crash here, but Strong Mama, it seems like things are okay. Who knows what he meant? I mean there's bad things, but maybe he had terrible gas, and somebody covered for him.... Better to keep the trust that you have.

[EdnaMarie]

I attached parented him when he was younger and I think it worked too well.

Your son sounds amazing. If my kids turn out that well, I will be thanking God daily.

And he gave you his login and password for Facebook????

That is trust, mama.

At 18, well, I was already in college, LOL, but the point is, at my senior year, I'd been on a trip across the country alone, been to another country without my parents (though it was chaperoned), was doing well in school and went out often. I am so thankful my mom let me have the freedom I needed, even letting me go spend weekends in the city.

Sounds like you're doing great.

Re: Facebook, I probably wouldn't snoop more, but 'fess up if it's bothering you. "I had a worried mom moment and I looked on your Facebook page. It was out of bounds and I'm sorry."

He'll probably laugh but he might ask if you saw anything that worried you. Then you can ask. Otherwise you will take your curiosity with you to the grave.

[confustication]

It sounds like he's pretty together, you could always just ask him- but really that depends on how well he would take your having looked. If it's public though- I can't imagine that he's too worried about something you might see.

FWIW, at that age I had already been in college for a couple years- living away from home, and figuring it out. Sure, I did some things my parents might not have loved, but I had the sense to know what boundaries were ok to push and what boundaries weren't. (It helped that I was enough of a control freak to avoid drugs and alcohol completely.)

[journeymom]

I just feel like maybe.....I let him have too much freedom. but i dont know how to curb it. Hes not a bad kid, he doesnt mouth off, he does his chores, spends some time at home but not much, makes good grades....
i know this is rambly..i just feel like...im a crappy mom all of sudden.like i should lock him in his room or something.

You can plan to do stuff with him on weekends. Fun stuff. Make him too busy with Mom that he doesn't have time to hang with friends on the weekend.

He's sixteen, not seventeen. (I know, he's almost seventeen. Still. ) You can still go on family outings, you can volunteer doing something useful for other people, you can devise events where his help is needed (Son, I need your help clearing out Grandpa's garden this Saturday).

You don't have to come to any conclusion that he's gone astray, he's in trouble, that you've blown it or that your a crappy mom. Just make him so busy with you that he doesn't have time to hang anymore.

It means work for you. It takes planning and time invested and money. But it's an investment in your son's well being and your peace of mind.

No judgment! Just go from here and now.

Edited to ad, the point is that he isn't being punished. He will probably complain and make all kinds of arguments about why his going to his friend's house is more important than your trip to the lake on Saturday. That's OK. Going to the lake is still more fun than being locked in his room.

[EdnaMarie]

Just make him so busy with you that he doesn't have time to hang anymore.

Why would you do that? Why can't he have fun with his friends, if he's not getting into trouble?

But it's an investment in your son's well being and your peace of mind.

But he's a teenager. Is it really normal for teens to spend every free moment with their parents? He can't have his own friends outside of school?

Maybe I'll feel differently when I have a teen but I remember liking the free time I had when I was that age.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

Why would you do that? Why can't he have fun with his friends, if he's not getting into trouble?

Just my opinion, but I don't think the rolling papers and the post about being sick on Friday night should be ignored. The OP's son sounds like he's a great young man and has definitely earned the benefit of the doubt. But I think the OP should be mindful of it.

But he's a teenager. Is it really normal for teens to spend every free moment with their parents? He can't have his own friends outside of school?

Yes, definitely. I was responding more to the OPs anxiety and comment that she wants to lock ds away. You're right, he doesn't need to be cut off from his friends. But I just don't think the OP should ignore any kind of maternal hunch. So if she's going to act, she can do so in a positive way without punishing her son.

Maybe I'll feel differently when I have a teen but I remember liking the free time I had when I was that age.

My response is definitely colored by my fifteen year old daughter's recent drama. She doesn't get in trouble, she gets good grades and is fairly responsible. She shares a lot with me. But she had to experience some painful consequences of her bad judgment recently when I let her have free reign with her time, and particularly almost unrestricted cell phone use. Summer break boredom from not enough to do, unlimited texting ability, an unprecedented amount of time with friends, not enough time with family equaled lots of opportunities to stir up drama, to marinate in teen angst. I'm not particularly mad at her, she's only 15 y.o., she made some mistakes and now I realize she wasn't ready for the free reign I gave her. That was my fault and so I'm acting on this realization by cutting back on the cell phone usage and the time spent just hanging with her friends. She's with these people every day five days a week. We, her family, have her only another two and a half years!! How did this happen??

[EdnaMarie]

Okay, I see your point.

I didn't see the part about rolling papers. I'd much sooner have a frank conversation on that, but that's my style. Friends or not, if they're leaving papers in your car, they could easily decide to stash... a stash. Not. Good.

Anyone in my house will get the talk-- you're welcome here, illegal drugs are not. I don't care if it's stupid that alcohol is legal and pot isn't, that's the law and it's not the battle I'm fighting. It's your future but my advice is to get friends that aren't going to risk time in jail or prison for you. Leaving paraphernalia in your car is really irresponsible.

We, her family, have her only another two and a half years!! How did this happen??

My "baby" just turned four... I can't imagine but I'm going to be there so soon...