Tough day today..
Complete emotional breakdown today after second OB appt. It's so hard to deal with the level of care you receive and the lack of personality and humanity. Oh, Ladies who are having their first babies with a midwife, be so greatful for the care you receive. Truly appreciate how beautiful it is that you know the person helping you to birth your baby and have actual relationship with them. It's such a special thing and midwives are such amazing women to give so much of themselves in relationship, time and energy to birth. This OB is even one of the "good" ones. She is recommend highly on ICAN and has a low section rate.
But I just dont want to do shadow care. My heart isnt in it. I was trying to be all scientific and reasonable.. My favorite midwife takes so few VBACs (literally one a year, maybe) because she promised her backup OBs years ago that she wouldnt. She has a fantastic relationship with them.. they let her into the OR during urgent transfers, they even let her catch sometimes if they have to transfer but stll have a vaginal birth. She has a 10 year relationship with them.. birthed her own babies with them many years ago...
So we had decided Id use this other Doc for shadowcare incase we needed to transfer to the local hospital (her docs are outta another hospital awhile away). At first it felt like I was getting the best of both worlds.. but after two appts with the OB now, I just cant spin it any way that is good.
They do a drug panel I pay anywhere from 30 to 125 dollars out of pocket for until my lab deductible is met, EVERY visit. Fine, if I was positive the first time, then whatever.. not that it isnt a totally messed up policy to begin with.. but every visit? Seriously? Sometimes they do a full panel like the first time and sometimes they do a screen that is cheaper at 30 bucks out of pocket, on top of my 30.00 deductible.. Every visit. I know they do it because they have alot of people on insurance aid. I actually picked this office indirectly because they had such a high DSHS contingent.. they dont pull out all the technological bells and whistles when you have state insurance. I thought it would help ward against the Doc that wanted to do a U/S at every visit.. But now, it feel so stereotyping and profiling. It's a family practice, which I als had viewed as a plus.. but not in cold and flu seasons in the Pac NW. I've waited 1.5 hours or longer for both visits, our whole family got sick after the first one, for 2 weeks. It was horrible.
Then today she cant find the hb at 11w2. I know that there is a heartbeat, because it takes me about 30 seconds to find one and Ive SEEN the bean on the US at this point from my midwife appt last week. She wants to send me somewhere for an U/S.. and I had to just ask her if I could have the doppler for a second, my fundus is WAY UP HERE LIKE I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU.. bam, there the hb is. She searched for 8 minutes. I know, because I was looking at my second hand to time... Anyway, it was just crummy and felt like a medicialized cattle yard.
I called my midwife and asked if she would be offended if I went with another midwife that didnt require me to do Shadow care and we discussed who the best midwife would be in that situation. She was completely supportive and said she'll still come to my birth just to support me if I want.
What I want is to enjoy this pregnancy which will likely be my last one. I want to gestate in peace and be allowed to birth my baby the way my body decides. Not some arbitrary guideline or scare tactic. Ideally, this would happen at home. Please, God. Let it happen at home. I think I was scared until to day to say how much I want a homebirth. Not because of some idealogical crap, but just because Ive spent my whole life being told I was broken in some way.. and damnit, just for once.. I'd like to have things work the way they are "supposed" to. I have went to so many homebirths at this point, seeing families all snuggled up, blissed out on oxytocin.. uninterferred with. I want that. I want nobody to wake me and my baby up every two hours to take my temperature and hand me some drug that is supposed to mask pain. Im okay with feeling pain. What I dont want to feel again is backed into corners, betrayed, lied to.
I called the other midwife and Thank God she isnt full. We have met in passing before, but it felt so good to talk to her a little more. She is an ND, so she brings a whole different skill set and perspective with her and she doesnt like VBAC clients to do shadowcare because she says it sets up a feeling of sneaking around and not being able to be fully honest with the OB and nobody feels really good about it at the end. She wants to change the community unwritten standard of not doing VBACs at home.. We have my first appt next week.
Anyway, I feel so much better now. It feels good to not have to do double visits. I cant even imagine how crazy that would have felt at the end of pregnancy on top of the extra chiro appointments I need.
So, phew. It feels good to vent but my eyes hurt from crying.