June pregnancy after loss (PAL) mamas - Page 2

[painefaria]

Originally Posted by GolfAddict

Hey guys!!


I have my first US tomorrow at 7w6d. Could use some prayers and finger crossing...if you have some to spare.

Any news yet??

[KindRedSpirit]

Joining.My last mc (of 3) was last June,I had just announced,as I was 10 + weeks.Fetus looked to be 6-8 weeks old.Here I'm expecting a full term babe on the anniversary.Deep breath.I had a very strong spiritual connection to my last loss,but "he" has comforted me and we have an understanding.Psycotic or not, it works for me.

Half of me thinks I could be in the midst of a miscarriage right now.Last week a weight was lifted from me about this baby.It could be the baby's life or it could be that I now personally accept this new life.The other half of me swears I felt movement 3 times today.I can't belive either 100%.I have only shared this info here and with my husband.I am having a hard time connecting with this baby, but I always do after a loss.I keep thinking this baby will have a defect of some sort.Not sure where that plays in.It's nice to have a place to voice these things without it having to bear on my outward daily reality yet.It of course, encompasses my entire inner reality.

Hugs and love to all and our children here and beyond.

[GolfAddict]

Originally Posted by painefaria

Any news yet??

Everything was great!! Thanks for asking.

We saw our little blob. Although, I was 7w6d it only measured 7w0d. But my MW had no issues with that. And DH and I noticed it seemed difficult for the tech to find a good definitive edge to mark.

And the HB was 153 bpm!!

I did ask for another u/s at next appt. This is a new MW and I let her know if we had this u/s last time everything would have shown fine then. So I would like to have another one before we starting telling people. She said we will definitely listen with the doppler and can do an u/s if we want. She scheduled me to come back in 3 wks rather than the standard 4 wks. I think she could see the fear on my face.

[OrangeMoon]

I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or because the loss was recent, but every time I read this thread I think about my May baby and tear up. My oh my. Anyway, I think a loss definitely affects ones feelings around the subsequent pregnancy. My May baby was my first loss and I was completely blind sided by it, I never pictured it happening to me so the possibility never crossed my mind, or if it did, very rarely. So now that it has happened to me, I think I feel like, well, it could happen again. So there isn't that blind, it will never be me faith keeping me not worried about it anymore. I don't know, I guess that's gone for good. It did happen to me, and it was heartbreaking - I think it's totally normal and makes sense to fear/worry about losing your baby again. Or, you don't want to get 1,000% excited about it the new pregnancy until a bit later in the hopes of if a loss does happen, it will not hurt as much maybe? Hopefully I'm not a downer on this thread, still processing things I guess. Both my husband and my Mom are holding out on being super super excited about this one because of what happened. And this morning I said to DH, "Wow, I'm a little over 5 weeks, it's lasted a week longer than last time". There are a lot of comparisons between this pregnancy and the last. Kind of debating whether or not to post this, oh well here goes.

[trini]

Claire, I'm glad you posted. It's true.

I have a bit of a different perspective, because I had a son stillborn at 38 weeks. With my subsequent pregnancy (which resulted in a healthy, living child), I knew I'd never pass the "safe" point until he was in my arms. When people talk about telling at 12 weeks or 13 weeks, I just can't relate.

With my son who died, all I had was his pregnancy. I am sooo glad I was excited and enjoyed every minute. At least I had those memories to hang on to. When I got pg again I decided I was going to celebrate every moment because we don't know how many moments we are going to have.

With this most recent pregnancy, of course I'm nervous. I don't think I'm even 4 weeks yet. My last m/c was at 7 weeks. We had even seen a heartbeat and the baby appeared to be developing well. Yet, still, even at this early stage, I am going to celebrate. I have only known for TWO DAYS that I'm pg, but I have told so many people, because I want people celebrating with me. I know these are the same people who will grieve with me and support me if I have to face another loss.

The way I look at it, a loss is going to be horribly sad whether we allowed ourselves to celebrate or not.

I feel like my post was scattered. Sorry.

ALL of our feelings are valid.

[BHappy]

Claire and trini, I loved reading your posts. Thank you for sharing where you are. Trini, thank you so much for your perspective on gratitude.





xo

[OrangeMoon]

What a refreshing perspective, thanks for sharing this. I totally understand what you're saying. Sometimes I have a hard time typing these things out in a way that is accurate to how I actually feel because it's all so complex and there are so many layers, hopefully I didn't sound like my response was how it is for everyone. I don't know if it's this pregnancy or astrologically related but I have had a really awful week in the communication house, lol. I totally hear what you're saying, and it's a great reminder for me. Celebrating what you have while you have it, because who knows what's next. It's a life lesson for sure.

Originally Posted by trini

Claire, I'm glad you posted. It's true.

I have a bit of a different perspective, because I had a son stillborn at 38 weeks. With my subsequent pregnancy (which resulted in a healthy, living child), I knew I'd never pass the "safe" point until he was in my arms. When people talk about telling at 12 weeks or 13 weeks, I just can't relate.

With my son who died, all I had was his pregnancy. I am sooo glad I was excited and enjoyed every minute. At least I had those memories to hang on to. When I got pg again I decided I was going to celebrate every moment because we don't know how many moments we are going to have.

With this most recent pregnancy, of course I'm nervous. I don't think I'm even 4 weeks yet. My last m/c was at 7 weeks. We had even seen a heartbeat and the baby appeared to be developing well. Yet, still, even at this early stage, I am going to celebrate. I have only known for TWO DAYS that I'm pg, but I have told so many people, because I want people celebrating with me. I know these are the same people who will grieve with me and support me if I have to face another loss.

The way I look at it, a loss is going to be horribly sad whether we allowed ourselves to celebrate or not.

I feel like my post was scattered. Sorry.

ALL of our feelings are valid.

[seafox]

Originally Posted by OrangeMoon

What a refreshing perspective, thanks for sharing this. I totally understand what you're saying. Sometimes I have a hard time typing these things out in a way that is accurate to how I actually feel because it's all so complex and there are so many layers, hopefully I didn't sound like my response was how it is for everyone. I don't know if it's this pregnancy or astrologically related but I have had a really awful week in the communication house, lol. I totally hear what you're saying, and it's a great reminder for me. Celebrating what you have while you have it, because who knows what's next. It's a life lesson for sure.

due date club crashing a bit (I'm late May though, and might end up in June! Z was two weeks late) but a) wanted to say hi to Claire and b) I am also super conflicted about who to tell/who not to tell after suffering a loss, my first pregnancy though. Mine completely blindsided me since it was a missed m/c, and I didn't find out until 12 weeks (at an u/s, which sucked!)

I had trouble telling folks when I was pregnant with Z (family especially) since I didn't necessarily want them to later grieve with me - they wouldn't respond how I needed them to, maybe, or they are friends who can congratulate me on a pregnancy but not friends I'd turn to with a feeling of loss. I find many don't quite know how to relate to a loss that early. Even I am not always sure how I felt about it. So I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant w/ Z until about 16 weeks, which is pretty late! (family) and then work/friends not until 20 weeks.

This time for some reason I slipped and told a casual friend, who told a bunch of folks (we all play frisbee at work together) which is weird since my family doesn't know! I'm hoping its moot and things go okay, but I do wish I had told him to keep it under wraps.

But I am a bit less afraid to tell people about a m/c, maybe because I've had a child now so I know its possible; maybe because I've had a m/c and I know I can cope. I also feel like I'm a bit hardened I guess and telling folks about a m/c will be easier since ill be less emotional than I was the first time - its expected now, not a shock, etc. This is not necessarily a good thing though I keep myself from getting attached, or even thinking ahead and making plans until 12 weeks it seems. And like trini said, its no guarantee, so its kind of silly to do! But its an artificial barrier for me I suppose.

[Kelilah]

This thread was good to read. I suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks last year (I was due in June then, too) and that was my first pregnancy. This time around I'm enjoying pregnancy more, despite the increased symptoms - I never felt sick last time - but I've definitely lost my innocence.

I've told most of my friends and my husband told his family, but I haven't told my family yet because having to talk to them about the miscarriage last time was the worst part of it. I decided to wait until I was past the 12-week mark before telling them... but y'all are right, a loss could happen at any time.

I keep saying I'll breathe easier once I'm 8 weeks, once I hear the heartbeat, once I pass 12 weeks, once I feel movement, once I see an ultrasound... but really, I doubt I'll really let go of that worry, ever. Even after the baby is born, horrible things do happen and I'm a worrier! All I can do is my best, and hope I don't wind up being overprotective.

[OrangeMoon]

Oh my gosh, huge congratulations Alicia, and sticky vibes to you too!!! When you posted on my fsot thread, I ended my response with the question "So when is it going to be your turn, huh, huh, huh?". But I didn't want to pry so I deleted it, lol. Wow, how exciting! G decided to come like three and a half weeks early so maybe we'll end up being around the same time. Who knows with these things.
Anyway, yeah, I told basically whoever I was around with my last because I really didn't expect anything like what happened to happen, and having to tell people after I lost it/her, really, really, really, really sucked. So I have told only a few people about this one as of now. Even though I'm just trying to tell myself, it happened to me last time, so now this is my time for this one to stick, lol.
Wow, that's really amazing you didn't tell anyone for that long!
I think because this is going to be/is a UP/UC I feel pretty just day by day I guess. Like there is no waiting for the day when I can hear the heartbeat and then I'll relax. So I'm just trying to chill and hope for the best all the time I guess.

Originally Posted by seafox

due date club crashing a bit (I'm late May though, and might end up in June! Z was two weeks late) but a) wanted to say hi to Claire and b) I am also super conflicted about who to tell/who not to tell after suffering a loss, my first pregnancy though. Mine completely blindsided me since it was a missed m/c, and I didn't find out until 12 weeks (at an u/s, which sucked!)

I had trouble telling folks when I was pregnant with Z (family especially) since I didn't necessarily want them to later grieve with me - they wouldn't respond how I needed them to, maybe, or they are friends who can congratulate me on a pregnancy but not friends I'd turn to with a feeling of loss. I find many don't quite know how to relate to a loss that early. Even I am not always sure how I felt about it. So I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant w/ Z until about 16 weeks, which is pretty late! (family) and then work/friends not until 20 weeks.

This time for some reason I slipped and told a casual friend, who told a bunch of folks (we all play frisbee at work together) which is weird since my family doesn't know! I'm hoping its moot and things go okay, but I do wish I had told him to keep it under wraps.

But I am a bit less afraid to tell people about a m/c, maybe because I've had a child now so I know its possible; maybe because I've had a m/c and I know I can cope. I also feel like I'm a bit hardened I guess and telling folks about a m/c will be easier since ill be less emotional than I was the first time - its expected now, not a shock, etc. This is not necessarily a good thing though I keep myself from getting attached, or even thinking ahead and making plans until 12 weeks it seems. And like trini said, its no guarantee, so its kind of silly to do! But its an artificial barrier for me I suppose.

[OrangeMoon]

Yeah, I totally hear what you're saying. After G was born, I was worried every night and throughout the night about checking on his breathing for about three months I think. I hope to be more relaxed with this next one (gods and goddesses willing). I think as Mamas when you care about and love your kiddos so incredibly much, it's really understandable to worry about losing them.

Some people/family members definitely said more comforting things than others with my loss. Gotta love the "at least you have one kid", comments from the people who haven't had them yet. That was really frustrating. It kind of felt like losing your left arm and people saying, "well, at least you have your right". I know they meant well, but still.

I think having G first, and then the miscarriage was okay because I had had G so I didn't have that fear of "Will I not be able to have kids?", but grieving the loss was more difficult because I was still being a Mama, 24/7. DH was super sweet and understanding and helped a lot, but it was like, okay, it's nap time so I can cry/grieve now. Or, okay, Kent has him so now I can go in another room and cry/think. When I just wanted to go on vacation and do nothing for a week but grieve, try and heal/relax, and drink, lol.

Originally Posted by Kelilah

This thread was good to read. I suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks last year (I was due in June then, too) and that was my first pregnancy. This time around I'm enjoying pregnancy more, despite the increased symptoms - I never felt sick last time - but I've definitely lost my innocence.

I've told most of my friends and my husband told his family, but I haven't told my family yet because having to talk to them about the miscarriage last time was the worst part of it. I decided to wait until I was past the 12-week mark before telling them... but y'all are right, a loss could happen at any time.

I keep saying I'll breathe easier once I'm 8 weeks, once I hear the heartbeat, once I pass 12 weeks, once I feel movement, once I see an ultrasound... but really, I doubt I'll really let go of that worry, ever. Even after the baby is born, horrible things do happen and I'm a worrier! All I can do is my best, and hope I don't wind up being overprotective.

[seafox]

Originally Posted by OrangeMoon

Oh my gosh, huge congratulations Alicia, and sticky vibes to you too!!! When you posted on my fsot thread, I ended my response with the question "So when is it going to be your turn, huh, huh, huh?". But I didn't want to pry so I deleted it, lol. Wow, how exciting! G decided to come like three and a half weeks early so maybe we'll end up being around the same time. Who knows with these things.
Anyway, yeah, I told basically whoever I was around with my last because I really didn't expect anything like what happened to happen, and having to tell people after I lost it/her, really, really, really, really sucked. So I have told only a few people about this one as of now. Even though I'm just trying to tell myself, it happened to me last time, so now this is my time for this one to stick, lol.
Wow, that's really amazing you didn't tell anyone for that long!
I think because this is going to be/is a UP/UC I feel pretty just day by day I guess. Like there is no waiting for the day when I can hear the heartbeat and then I'll relax. So I'm just trying to chill and hope for the best all the time I guess.

thanks! I am hoping things go well - I can't tell if when I have bad feeling days (like not feeling 'pregnant' anymore, not sick enough, etc) if I am just being paranoid, or if I have the right intuition and know something that maybe my body doesn't yet its hard to tell. I haven't thrown up in a week (not that I did THAT often w/ DS, maybe only once a week also, and I was biking a lot more) so I am having doubts lately. Ill find out in two weeks, I guess. I am hoping that after having a child, that my body would not 'miss' a miscarriage anymore, that it would know to pass it in a timely manner, but maybe that's not the case. I'm not sure there's any reason why some bodies hold onto m/c. It just sucks since I think I'd rather have some warning, spotting, anything, and finding out at an u/s really sucks!

So you are having a totally unassisted pregnancy? no u/s, no doppler, no hb checks at all? Did you do that w/ G as well? Just curious I try keep u/s to a minimum (tried to only have 2 last time, ended up w/ 4, since I had appendicitis at 20wks, and since I went late also) but I do like to check on things I guess

[painefaria]

I had my first appointment yesterday. I was really freaked out about actually going... I almost canceled. The appointment went well. They informed me I was pregnant (I guess it is procedure) Not to give TMI but my urine was almost clear and the test was in like 2 seconds, which made the nurse laugh. That made me feel good. I also had the fortune to be due for an annual exam but it really wasn't that bad, the "best I ever had" if you can say that about a pelvic . I scheduled my 12 week visit but I think that I will be canceling and going with a homebirth midwife (the plan all along). I was really frustrated because they were not available to see me until 13 weeks I just feel that the practice is too big and that I have just become a number. So I will be leaving the scheduled appointment for OB coverage (Just in case) and moving to the midwife, hopefully scheduling an appointment for around Thanksgiving (12ish weeks)

[MrsHin2002]

Hi All,

Back for 2nd ultrasound this afternoon -- and I'm a mess this morning. Not feeling all that confident (see my earlier post in this thread). HCG levels on Tues were 18849 (8w4d), were 15000 at 7 weeks even.

Please keep your fingers crossed that we see a heartbeat this afternoon!

Karen

[trini]

Looks like I'm out again. u/s today showed that the pg does not appear viable. I'll repeat the u/s on Monday, but I'm already wondering if I have the strength to face ttc again. This was my 5th pg and I have one living child.

[swimming-duck]

Trini - I'm so sorry.

I'm waiting the results of today's beta and progesterone levels. I've been on progesterone injections. But I'm really nervous. I had some on and off queasiness about a week ago. But that's died down. I'm tired, but not as tired as I was. I've been worried about m/c nonstop. I just can't seem to relax and enjoy this pregnancy at all. I'm hoping that the #s are good - maybe that will help me relax. Is it terrible that I'm wishing for a case of m/s that is so undeniably awful that it leaves me convinced that my pregnancy is progressing the way it should?

[GolfAddict]

Originally Posted by trini

Looks like I'm out again. u/s today showed that the pg does not appear viable. I'll repeat the u/s on Monday, but I'm already wondering if I have the strength to face ttc again. This was my 5th pg and I have one living child.

I'm so sorry. I admire you for going through as many m/c's as you have. I'm not sure I have the strength.


AFM ~ I've been a little worried the past couple days. My bb's are getting less sore and my nausea is getting less and less. I did have nausea pretty much all day since beginning of 5wks now I just get little spurts a couple times a day.

I left a voicemail for the nurse on the way to work. Called back around 10:30 and was told everybody, including MWs, were at a synposium all day and there was nobody in the office to see me. So I have to go all through the weekend feeling like something is wrong.

[swimming-duck]

GolfAddict - I can really really relate to your worry. I'm sorry that you're stuck with no news all weekend.

[la mamita]

oh god, the pregnancy dreams. i suppose it is a good sign to be having them, but a few nights ago i had the most vivid m/c dream. i won't go into details. i literally woke up thinking it was true, and it took me half an hour to realize that it had just been a dream.

i think i am going to go see an OB next week for a first appointment at 7 weeks. i want to see a heartbeat--i know that doesn't guarantee anything, but i think it will help make this seem 'real'. my plan had been to wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone besides DP, but i've been feeling poorly (fatigue, nausea) and i kind of want to explain to friends and family why i am not fun anymore...

[OrangeMoon]

Originally Posted by trini

Looks like I'm out again. u/s today showed that the pg does not appear viable. I'll repeat the u/s on Monday, but I'm already wondering if I have the strength to face ttc again. This was my 5th pg and I have one living child.

Oh Trini, I am so, so, so incredibly sorry. Lots of hugs, I hope you can take it easy for a while. My best wishes to you in healing.

Originally Posted by seafox

thanks! I am hoping things go well - I can't tell if when I have bad feeling days (like not feeling 'pregnant' anymore, not sick enough, etc) if I am just being paranoid, or if I have the right intuition and know something that maybe my body doesn't yet its hard to tell. I haven't thrown up in a week (not that I did THAT often w/ DS, maybe only once a week also, and I was biking a lot more) so I am having doubts lately. Ill find out in two weeks, I guess. I am hoping that after having a child, that my body would not 'miss' a miscarriage anymore, that it would know to pass it in a timely manner, but maybe that's not the case. I'm not sure there's any reason why some bodies hold onto m/c. It just sucks since I think I'd rather have some warning, spotting, anything, and finding out at an u/s really sucks!

So you are having a totally unassisted pregnancy? no u/s, no doppler, no hb checks at all? Did you do that w/ G as well? Just curious I try keep u/s to a minimum (tried to only have 2 last time, ended up w/ 4, since I had appendicitis at 20wks, and since I went late also) but I do like to check on things I guess

Hearing about missed miscarriages are always so sad for me. It's just so messed up that we are built in a way where that can happen. I wonder if it's some kind of built in mechanism if your body needs more time before you get pregnant again or something. I just keep telling myself, that I already had a miscarriage so now it's my turn for this one to stick, it seems to be working pretty well in keeping me relaxed, lol. Yes, this will be a total UP/UC unless something comes up I feel needs attention. Having a home birth with a pretty hands off midwife did wonders with my birth self esteem in knowing I can do it by myself no problem. I am healthy and had no real problems last pregnancy so unless I start to feel unwell I see no reason for a medical professional. And my husband is a MD so if I think I have a UTI or something he can just order a script for me to pee in a cup somewhere. I used a OB for the first half of my pregnancy with Gavin, and a midwife for the second half so I feel like I got a good taste of both. I saw the crunchiest OB/GYN in like all of NYC - Jacques Moritz, he was featured in the business of being born, and even with him the whole experience felt so un-magical, and stressful, I would never ever ever use an OB ever again, for anything, lol. My hubby Kent learned everything with me as we went along so he is just as into UP/UC as I am which makes the whole thing nothing but fun :-) We are a pretty introverted couple so the combination of the belief that 98% of pregnant women are safer at home, and then someone (a midwife) being there would just make us a bit on edge when we otherwise wouldn't be, the choice for me/us was a really easy one. Yeah, thinking back to it, like immediately after I had G at home and we both saw I did 110% of it and everything was fine, I think we both just knew right away if we had another we'd fly solo so to speak. Basically every time we used a medical professional when I was pregnant with G we (I) had to compromise something and I just don't want to do that anymore unless it's completely necessary. We saw an OB, there was always stress because the nurse he used was a bitch, and being in a doctors office just stresses me out, we get the 20 week ultrasound, there were false alarms that did nothing but stress us out unnecessarily when G is perfectly fine, I see a midwife and yeah it was 1,000% better with her coming to our place for appointments, but it's trying to get 100% comfortable with someone in 20 weeks when that wasn't really possible for both Kent and I, so then the midwife is at the birth and is very hands off and great except without warning "stretches" my perineum when I was in transition and it REALLY hurt, doing nothing but hindering the process when I should have been doing everything to try and relax. So in the name of answers and security, there was always a price. I'm just at a really spiritual place right now I guess you could call it, where I'm just feeling like what is meant to be will be, what isn't, isn't, so I'm just going to chill out as much as possible and focus inward. And so far with the miscarriage and these 7 weeks I have no regrets so I'm just continuing with this for as long as it feels right. I for sure feel way more relaxed than I did with G so I feel good about it. I think waiting for someone else to tell me things/give me answers, for me, just made me more anxious/nervous, so this is the right fit for us This pregnancy has been so different from my last, much more subtle feeling, I hardly feel pregnant at all. And forget that I am a lot, lol.