Ex was supposed to come by today... - Page 2

[smeep]

No shelter will take me. The ones for women with abusive partners won't take me because it's not documented, etc. It's absolutely ridiculous, but there is NO help for me with that. The other shelters that will take anyone are really quite scary, are usually full, and still require money just to stay there...and they don't provide any kind of assistance beyond a place to sleep and meals, which I already have by staying with my friend.

I know that I should report the changes to DHS, but seriously, I will lose $150-200 in food stamps, and I'm really unsure if I will actually receive any TANF (because the last time I tried to get it they wouldn't give it to me even though I had no job). I'm just not sure that it's worth it. I know I shouldn't be messing with it like that, but I'm just kind of looking at the now. And the now is that what I am getting in food stamps is what's basically paying my part to keeping a roof over my head.

I have an appointment for WIC tomorrow. I'm hoping that I won't have to jump through hoops since ex's friends burned my monthly Medicaid coverage statement...which is what they want. If I have to call the stupid Medicaid number to prove that I'm currently covered, that's what I'll do, but I don't know.

I'm just so frustrated today. I woke up this morning, fixed some cereal and my tooth broke...on soggy cereal. It must have just been waiting to fall apart. And since dental care isn't considered HEALTH care in this country, I am SOL. To the point that I'm seriously considering just going to Monarch or something, borrowing the $39 from my parents for the exam, and then once they do the dental work and "oops, I can't pay you" they'll bill me and I'll be in debt forever. Today is just a really, really crappy day.

All I want is a roof over my head (my own roof...hell, I'd even live with my parents at this point if I could), a decent paying job, a few cloth diapers, and teeth that aren't falling apart. But apparently it's too much to ask for in this country.

[mommy_to_2angels]

Awww...honey, it's hard. I know. But check out that website that I posted. I'll do some further research later on tonight and see what else I can find to help you out. Perhaps we can work together and figure something out. I'm lucky enough to have a halfassed support system in place. It's not perfect but it's something. I'm more than happy to try to help if I can.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by smeep

I know that I should report the changes to DHS, but seriously, I will lose $150-200 in food stamps, and I'm really unsure if I will actually receive any TANF (because the last time I tried to get it they wouldn't give it to me even though I had no job). I'm just not sure that it's worth it. I know I shouldn't be messing with it like that, but I'm just kind of looking at the now. And the now is that what I am getting in food stamps is what's basically paying my part to keeping a roof over my head.

I have an appointment for WIC tomorrow. I'm hoping that I won't have to jump through hoops since ex's friends burned my monthly Medicaid coverage statement...which is what they want. If I have to call the stupid Medicaid number to prove that I'm currently covered, that's what I'll do, but I don't know.

Ok, I get that you don't want to lose money in food stamps - but its FRAUD. Did you not understand my last post? RIght now you have your baby and your freedom. If you get caught lying, and they decide to pursue pressing charges - you won't have EITHER - you'll be in PRISON.

Change the info with DHS. DO IT. Then go to WIC. What WIC gives you might make up the difference. SERIOUSLY!

Call medicaid and change the info with them too. They will send you a NEW info packet to your current address.

I get that you're paralyzed, but you need to take care of this, otherwise things could get VERY ugly. Much worse than they are now.

[PoppyMama]

If you have no money, no assets and no job and dependents (is your older son with you) you should qualify for TANF which is a lot more helpful than just food. If you meet those requirements and you were denied it sounds like an error. Since you've already applied you can't do it online and you'll have to go down to the office and spend a day. Since you're homeless and have no money it should be considered an emergency. It sucks when mistakes are made and it's easy to give up. Been there done that with TANF in TX but in your case it is worth it to make it happen.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

If you have no money, no assets and no job and dependents (is your older son with you) you should qualify for TANF which is a lot more helpful than just food. If you meet those requirements and you were denied it sounds like an error. Since you've already applied you can't do it online and you'll have to go down to the office and spend a day. Since you're homeless and have no money it should be considered an emergency. It sucks when mistakes are made and it's easy to give up. Been there done that with TANF in TX but in your case it is worth it to make it happen.

All of this. You need to take all the assistance you can possibly take right now to get back on your feet and into a safe and stable situation.

[incorrigible]

I don't know how TANF is supposed to work, but she's not just being sour grapes and helpless about it guys. It's awesome to hear that someone somewhere was able to get TANF without committing some serious fraud, but it's the first time I've heard of it. I've had them yank Food Stamps for 6 months because I got financial aid (which didn't even cover my entire tuition cost, and all went through the school, not my accounts). I've only seen the system work smoothly for liars and cheaters, first hand. I did once qualify for TANF...but they required me to attend 20hrs/wk of "job training" (in which the students had to show up on time, sit in a big room together with whatever they brought to entertain themselves, and not leave till someone came back and said they could go!), but I couldn't bring my kids with, and there was no child care provided. At the time they told me the max I could get for the 3 of us was about half the cheapest childcare in town for 2 kids in diapers 20hrs/wk.

Harping on her about committing fraud isn't going to help. It's just going to make her feel worse about the position she's in. The folks guilt tripping her either need to get off their horses and come up with constructive ideas (not that I have any, but that's why I've been keeping my mouth shut) or ride off into the sunset and let her figure out her mess herself. She needs to get her crap together, and FAST, but she needs to do that before she straightens things out w DHS. They are less of a threat than homelessness right now. They aren't going to put her in jail for fraud. Their standard procedure for low level fraud like this is to bar her from receiving further services. Possibly forever. Possibly for a set time. Its a gamble. Shes playing with fire a bit, because she needs those services. Let's be realistic about what's on the table though, eh? They're not going to prosecute unless she's stolen more than it will cost TO prosecute. lol

OP, when I've been totally overwhelmed and over my head...it's helped to sit down and write out a game plan. Write down the obstacles. Write down potential solutions. Seeing it in front of me, solid, pulls me out of my freak out over the obstacles. It helps me think more clearly about solutions. When it's something that really gnaws at me, I write down the game plan (kind of like a list of tasks to accomplish my goal-only more chaotic because thing branch out then come back and such) and put it up on the wall so I can look at it and calm down and act when I get upset again. Maybe something like that will help you stay focused on achieving independence, and stay on track toward doing so?

[PoppyMama]

I don't know when you had TANF but that's not how it works IME. They do tend to a lot of paperwork errors (and confusion about requirements) that can get you denied or booted off so you have to be hypervigilant about that and they do require work searches, training, etc. for most people but part of TANF is providing childcare and in most parts of TX it's the only way to get state assisted childcare right now because the lists are so long. I had to do some trainings and orientations but they stopped after a few weeks and then it was work search requirements which are more flexible. The amount of money is barely enough to pay a utility but when you go see your worker you can get gas vouchers or bus passes and you can qualify to get them to pay for some schooling if you choose from their list of approved careers. You have to really watch for their mistakes and paperwork errors and be willing to do the background to show them when they're wrong but it's worth it. The biggest thing you need to qualify for TANF is a dependent and NO job. If you have a job paying even a miniscule amount you won't qualify. I got booted off for a paperwork error and then didn't qualify to reapply because I'd gotten a job by then. It was stupid and confusing and I'm still irritated but getting it was definitely worth it. If the worker is wrong about something ask for a supervisor. ...and while I agree that they are not going to put her in jail they would most likely make her pay back the money and she would lose assistance. This is disastrous for a single mother of two with no job or home.

[La Sombra]

I wanted first to offer you big hugs. You have a lot of stuff going on right now and you're pregnant and you should be safe and supported. So should your children. It must seem utterly overwhelming to you right now.

And I agree that the system can be totally complex and byzantine. A lot of mamas do what they have to do to get by in the (insufficient, discriminatory, IMO) welfare system that we have. And while I agree that you should report your changes to DHS, I agree with a PP that you in NO WAY need to worry about being sent to prison or have your children taken away from you! As a pp said, the worst case scenario is that you will have your benefits taken away, or that you will even have to pay them back. Which obviously in your case is bad enough. But it's not prison!

You need to get down to DHS and do everything you can to get every kind of benefit you can. I think when dealing with DHS you kind of have to adopt a sort of Zen attitude. I have been there myself and have been treated like a lower life form because I needed assistance. I have been told a million different things by different people, or had my benefits cancelled for reasons that I didn't understand. So I know how complex it can be. That's why I say you have to have a kind of detached attitude about it. Accept some level of frustration in dealing with them because it could well be worth it if you put in the time and patience. I hope so.

Have you actually been to/visited the homeless shelters in your area? Make a list of the pros and cons of staying there versus staying with friends.

I'm so sorry about your tooth. I am so sorry, too, that that is not considered health care. Are there dental schools or local dentists that advertise that they take patients with no insurance? They are usually cheaper. If you have to get the service and not be able to pay now, I'd do it. Worry about paying it later, if and when you can. You need to take care of yourself.

You need to take care of yourself because your children need you and YOU need to get back on your feet and take your life back. You need to become a warrior. Every day you need to take a step, put one foot in front of the other, it seems so overwhelming but it is the only way to get on track.

This might be a cheesy analogy but I used to live in Taiwan and I used to hike in the mountains there. I'd look at my window to the top o the mountain that I'd hike and I couldn't believe that, within a few hours, I'd be at the TOP of that mountain. Just by putting one foot in front of the other. Don't look at the big picture, mama, just continue putting one foot in front of the other.

[singin'intherain]

I don't have much experience with TANF, but I've been using food stamps and subsidized housing for about three years. My life NEVER fits the questions on the form, and I have omitted information or lied many times. I hate it, but in my experience there is NO WAY to avoid it. And they are not interested in ferreting out every little lie/ semi lie that someone is telling.They don't have the time and money. And I think most workers know the difference between not reporting changes on time and pulling away from the food stamp office in a Lexus.

OP, this is a nerve racking time, but you will get through it. You are obviously good at problem solving, and anyone can tell you are thinking clearly and critically about your situation. You will figure something out.

Have you tried asking around about churches that offer help? Some in my area will give you emergency cash for your rent or whatever. What about moving? Do you know anyone in another area where the social services might be better? Or where you have some family/friends who would take you in for a while without you feeling like you have to pay rent to them? If you have an area in mind, you can apply for public housing from where you are, and wait out the waitlist.

About the diapers, do you have a diaper service near you? I used to buy all mine used from a service for $2 a dozen, and used those vinyl pooter pants from wal mart. Not as nice as good all in ones, but it worked for all four of my kids.

[Jessnet]

Baylor School of Denistry in downtown does free dental work.

It might take a few months to get in (and an annoyingly abundance of paperwork), but my cousin's daughter got her braces done for free there.

[smeep]

Thanks to all those who have stated that it's really just not that easy to get assistance. I was denied TANF because I was ordered (note: ordered, I had not even received it yet) to receive child support from DS's biodad. It was $185/mo. They said that was more than I would have gotten with TANF, and I therefore did not qualify. Absolutely ridiculous. How they think anyone can live off of that is beyond me.

Originally Posted by La Sombra

Have you actually been to/visited the homeless shelters in your area? Make a list of the pros and cons of staying there versus staying with friends.

I've stayed in a shelter (battered woman's shelter) once before. They BARELY let me in, and said that normally they won't unless there's documented history of abuse. I have called...it's a no go. The other shelters (ones that aren't specifically for women and children) are horrible. You essentially have to wait in line forever, pay a few bucks to get in (that I don't have), and it's just for overnight. I would have nowhere to stay during the day, I would have no way of doing anything. Staying with my friend is my best option right now. Even if I *could* stay at the women's shelter, I have to consider my mental health. It's not a matter of being whiney and not just wanting to stay in a shelter, it's the fact that when I was there last it was INCREDIBLY depressing. Horribly, horribly depressing. Stupid drama left and right. And considering I'm bipolar and currently unmedicated (waiting for an appointment to get new meds as I had to stop taking my last ones because I'm pregnant) it's literally unsafe for me in regards to my mental and emotional wellbeing. I'm quite lucky to have faired as well as I have thus far, mentally speaking. I really don't know how I've done it.

Originally Posted by La Sombra

I'm so sorry about your tooth. I am so sorry, too, that that is not considered health care. Are there dental schools or local dentists that advertise that they take patients with no insurance? They are usually cheaper. If you have to get the service and not be able to pay now, I'd do it. Worry about paying it later, if and when you can. You need to take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by Jessnet

Baylor School of Denistry in downtown does free dental work.

It might take a few months to get in (and an annoyingly abundance of paperwork), but my cousin's daughter got her braces done for free there.

Baylor is the dental school near me. My understanding (the last times I've been there) is that it is not free, but rather a reduced cost, and you have to pay up front before they even do it, so not even a chance of skipping out and going into debt. Jessnet, are you SURE that your cousin's daughter got them done for free? How old was she? Unfortunately, it seems like there is limited free care for children...but I'm 25 now and I don't count anymore.

[PoppyMama]

The workers will try to give you the brushoff sometimes so it's important that you know as much as possible so you know when they are wrong. It's not always their fault. Since TX went to Tiers there has been more turnover than ever before and it's stinks that you get a new worker with each processing now. You shouldn't be disqualified for receiving that small of an amount of child support especially since income that you should be receiving that you aren't receiving is exempt they just have to note it that way. They will keep your child support (except for $75) in order to reimburse the state but since you will need childcare it's worth it. I think TANF is the only way to get childcare funded right now and they have to pay for it for any required training and then for work searches. They will also allow you to go to school but only certain programs. It's a pain but it's all in the handbook and when a worker is wrong I let them know and if they are uncooperative I request a supervisor. They really aren't use to that and get a little huffy...
http://www.dads.state.tx.us/handbooks/TexasWorks/

[Avani]

Why would it hurt to reapply? If you aren't working then you must have some free time where you could pull together your checklist of items needed to apply for TANF and whatever proof you can use to verify your current situation. It seems like in your situation that any extra $ you can get is important. Seriously what could it hurt. Yes it's annoying and sometimes even embarrasing but I can't see how you are in any postion to care. You need help, explore and re-explore every single venue you can.

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by smeep

Baylor is the dental school near me. My understanding (the last times I've been there) is that it is not free, but rather a reduced cost, and you have to pay up front before they even do it, so not even a chance of skipping out and going into debt. Jessnet, are you SURE that your cousin's daughter got them done for free? How old was she? Unfortunately, it seems like there is limited free care for children...but I'm 25 now and I don't count anymore.

Hmm....It was free (at least that what she said), but the daughter was only 14 and they were on medicaid.
Sorry, just thought I'd throw it out there.

[Jyotsna]

It is very hard to make a change when you are in a domestic abuse situation, or with someone who is addicted. You have become dependent on him and now you are co-dependent too
.
But you have an unborn child who is needing you to make the change. Get the help. You are afraid. I remember being dependent on an abusive man, and when he chose to stop me from having money or food, I was terrified. I know leaving (even if you are already seperated) is very hard.

But you need to make that very important step. there is SOOO much help out there. it is scary to ask for help, to be vulnerable in the eyes of others (and in your own eyes), but I believe in you. I believe you can do this and pull yourself up from where you are right now.

This is not about this man. This is about you. You are choosing to stay in a dependent state, even without living together.

We want to help you. Many of us have been where you are, or in other circumstances. I was the mother of 3 children, 2 being 1 year old. I was in a very vunerable situation because my ex was denying me money and only bringing us food at night. He was waking us up in the middle of the night, doing crazy things, and I was in such a vunerable position being a mother to very young children that is was so hard to change just one thing. I have been there, I know how hard it is.

Yet I did finally make that one change, I locked him out of our house, and kept my babies safe.

You don't have a house to lock him out of, but by damn you need to lock him out of your house of life. Who is in charge here? Him? You?

Take the advice of these very smart women here. We are not trying to hurt you, we are trying to help you.

The only way to make a change is one change at a time. So sit down and make a list of the changes you are going to make. Three changes immediately. The first one is the scariest. By the time you have completed the third change, you are feeling empowered, and yet still scared, but much stronger than ever.

Let's go...come on...the time is NOW.


*Just read second page....duh! Hope you get your meds soon. Is there a med you can take during pregnancy?

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by provocativa

another vote for vanishing. it is so much better for a child to know no father, than to know one like this. and if he does anything for you or the baby, at all, then that can make such types feel like they have a 'right' to the baby, even though he is not fit to be a parent.

that was what I learned the hard way with my daughter's dad. Luckily I realized this before she was old enough to remember all his drama.