Separating- what to tell my son?

[cedartree]

My dh is moving out soon (within the next month or two) and I haven't told my 5 year old ds yet. What do I tell him? We are separating because dh & I don't like each other. He is mean to me- not physically abusive, just not a nice person. We both love our son and want what is best for him.
How do I make this as un-traumatic for my boy as possible?

[Learning_Mum]

I would just stick the the bare basics and just answer any questions he may have honestly, and age appropriately.

DS1 was 4yo when DH and I seperated. We just told him that Mama and Daddy weren't going to live together any more. That Daddy would have a new house and that DS1 would still get to see him lots.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Reassure him that you and dh both love him, that its not his fault, its not b/c of anything he did. Make sure that he has access to both parents as much as possible (even if you don't have 50/50 custody, reassuring him that daddy loves him, and so do you, allowing phone calls during your time with him, etc).

He will feel some of the pressure, and stress involved in the separation, but do him a favor and don't talk badly about his dad to him, or within earshot of him (I'm sure you don't need me to say that, its easy though to slip up). Get excited for him when its time to spend time with his dad, be happy about him going to see his dad (for him, you'll miss him like crazy and thats totally normal and OK!). When he gets home, tell him you missed him, and ask about how much fun he had/what he did with daddy. Listen to him, be empathetic.

And, take care of YOU too. The happier you are, the happier your son will be.

[provocativa]

my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive to all of us, and he hit my youngest the last night he was here (unfortunately it landed near the spanking area, so it couldn't be used against him). so i have told them that papa has to got to the doctor to learn how to stop yelling- the judge ordered it. i also told them that mama would always protect them, and that even though we were sad that papa wasn't here, that the screaming and menacing wasn't okay and that i would never let anyone treat them like that, EVER. so i rather feel the opposite of thyra. my kids need to know that what papa did was wrong, that it is okay to still love him, but that what they experienced wasn't normal. i don't bad mouth him, but i don't pretend he's hunky dory, cuz he's not, and they percieve it, too.

[monkeybum]

Maybe I'm being naive, but my son is 6 and I'm separating from my husband, (or at least trying to) and I don't think at that age they fully understand the whole concept of marriage etc. DH has had his own room since my kids were very little, (they are now 3 and 6) and so they've never really known DH and I to share a bedroom or be very close. He's also only home on weekends and an hour in the morning on weekdays so they don't see him much as it is.

We too are separating because he is just a not very nice person to me or the kids (not physically, but almost as hurtful emotionally, and I'm just plain not happy, we've tried counselling several times). I was going to tell my children than "we" are getting another home, and then we'd all go there and stay over a few times together, then back to our regular home, and then gradually DH would stay at the other home more and more often until it becomes comfortable, and we start calling it "daddy's house" and "mommy's house". I am also hoping DH will still come over every morning so I can leave for work and he can continue to take the kids to school, and that we can continue to take them to their Saturday morning activities together, at least for the first while.

Well, this is my idea, not sure if DH will go along with it but he probably will.

I just thought this would be easier than a big "daddy's moving out" and trying to explain why, more of just easing in to a new routine. They will ask why daddy is staying at the other house, and I'll say that me and daddy argue too much when he stays here (which they know).

So, not sure if it's a good plan or not, but this is the best I've come up with to ease them in to this transition.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by provocativa

my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive to all of us, and he hit my youngest the last night he was here (unfortunately it landed near the spanking area, so it couldn't be used against him). so i have told them that papa has to got to the doctor to learn how to stop yelling- the judge ordered it. i also told them that mama would always protect them, and that even though we were sad that papa wasn't here, that the screaming and menacing wasn't okay and that i would never let anyone treat them like that, EVER. so i rather feel the opposite of thyra. my kids need to know that what papa did was wrong, that it is okay to still love him, but that what they experienced wasn't normal. i don't bad mouth him, but i don't pretend he's hunky dory, cuz he's not, and they percieve it, too.

But this aproach ENTIRELY depends on the situation - not all people who divorce are coming from abusive situations. In the case that the situation is not abusive, telling a child that daddy is abusive would be very harmful to the child. I don't know the OP's backstory - but she didn't say anything about abuse, so thats why I didn't advise anything based on an abusive background.

My ex was also abusive, but thankfully ONLY towards me, he never harmed our child (and our child is very young), so I didn't take your approach in my separation either (I was never married).

[meemee]

first of all if you stbx is available you both MUST do this TOGETHER.

dont go into any abuse stuff.

you'd be surprised how much your son knows already.

i would tell him soon. i am sure he picks up something is wrong and is confused.

ex is still mean to me, but he will die for his dd. dd sees that and it tears her up. she both loves and hates her dad.

more than just telling him how you guys will act once you separate is the key. will you guys be understanding of his tantrums? will you share and will he see both parents equally - or almost equally? he probably may not even react in teh beginning but one day he will.

i think the most untraumatic way would be if both parents sat and talked to him so he could talk to both of you at the same time.

[cedartree]

Originally Posted by monkeybum

Maybe I'm being naive, but my son is 6 and I'm separating from my husband, (or at least trying to) and I don't think at that age they fully understand the whole concept of marriage etc. DH has had his own room since my kids were very little, (they are now 3 and 6) and so they've never really known DH and I to share a bedroom or be very close. He's also only home on weekends and an hour in the morning on weekdays so they don't see him much as it is.

We too are separating because he is just a not very nice person to me or the kids (not physically, but almost as hurtful emotionally, and I'm just plain not happy, we've tried counselling several times). I was going to tell my children than "we" are getting another home, and then we'd all go there and stay over a few times together, then back to our regular home, and then gradually DH would stay at the other home more and more often until it becomes comfortable, and we start calling it "daddy's house" and "mommy's house". I am also hoping DH will still come over every morning so I can leave for work and he can continue to take the kids to school, and that we can continue to take them to their Saturday morning activities together, at least for the first while.

Well, this is my idea, not sure if DH will go along with it but he probably will.

I just thought this would be easier than a big "daddy's moving out" and trying to explain why, more of just easing in to a new routine. They will ask why daddy is staying at the other house, and I'll say that me and daddy argue too much when he stays here (which they know).

So, not sure if it's a good plan or not, but this is the best I've come up with to ease them in to this transition.

Wow, thanks for this. This is so close to my story. We just talked to ds today and tried to phrase it as "we are getting another house." Our family will have two houses now. Daddy will mostly stay at his and we will stay here, but he will visit us here and he will have a bed just for you at his house so you can stay there sometimes too. I told him it was something me and daddy wanted to try to see how we like it. Like it might be really fun to have two houses. At first he cried, but as we talked more he seemed to warm to the idea. We said daddy would take ds to show him some of the places he's thinking about moving to. DS said that if they saw a house with his favorite superhero painted on it, we would know that was the one to get.

Fingers crossed that it will be as painless as possible. Thanks everyone for your comments. I do appreciate them all, but no time to respond to everything atm.

[zebra15]

Originally Posted by cedartree

My dh is moving out soon (within the next month or two) and I haven't told my 5 year old ds yet. What do I tell him? We are separating because dh & I don't like each other. He is mean to me- not physically abusive, just not a nice person. We both love our son and want what is best for him.
How do I make this as un-traumatic for my boy as possible?

Just playing devils advocate here, you may not have said anything to your DS but what has your STBX said?

Also kids are very intuitive, DS has probably picked up that things are changing, moods are different, there is tension around etc...

He may cry, get angry, get upset, or even get happy when you tell him what is going on. Or he may have no emotion at the moment at all.

What ever happens you need to be open and honest and tell him the truth and answer his questions as age appropriate as possible.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by cedartree

Wow, thanks for this. This is so close to my story. We just talked to ds today and tried to phrase it as "we are getting another house." Our family will have two houses now. Daddy will mostly stay at his and we will stay here, but he will visit us here and he will have a bed just for you at his house so you can stay there sometimes too. I told him it was something me and daddy wanted to try to see how we like it. Like it might be really fun to have two houses. At first he cried, but as we talked more he seemed to warm to the idea. We said daddy would take ds to show him some of the places he's thinking about moving to. DS said that if they saw a house with his favorite superhero painted on it, we would know that was the one to get.

Fingers crossed that it will be as painless as possible. Thanks everyone for your comments. I do appreciate them all, but no time to respond to everything atm.

Unless you aren't sure that the separation is permanent, I wouldn't keep saying this to him. I would make sure that he understands that you and your stbx are deciding to separate, and not lead him to believe that if HE doesn't like the new situation that it will change back.

I think its great that your stbx is going to take him to see new places and is including your ds in the process - that will make daddy's new house feel like his home to I bet.