DH has flight response to putting hand on my belly... 11 wks

[annaconda]

My DH, who is a wonderful, amazing, caring, intuitive guy... is having a little bit of trouble processing things...

At first I thought it was just here and there, but I'm noticing a pattern, and he said last night that when I kind of romped over to him on his couch and gave him a big hug and then offered my belly to put his hand on, he seriously looked like he was in fear.

I've seen him not want to see the mayo clinic book that I'm fascinated with... like what does the thing in my belly look like... sort of turn away. He's certainly not an alcoholic but he seems a little green and like he would rather have a drink than look at stuff with me.

He did come to my first ultrasound and I think it was a sort of WHOOSH moment for him as he saw the real deal there in my belly - they also pushed me to being about 1.75 weeks further along than I thought I was which I'm sure didn't help his queasiness.

He says he's going to be fine and of course I know he is. I'm doing a lot of work with positive affirmations and working with the breath, relaxation (I'm a yoga teacher so it's an intuitive thing for me.)

So... how long did it take DH/DP to come around?

Also DH and I have been talking about him being my primary birth coach. I'm going to give it till the end of the year which will be just past 20 weeks... they we'll decide whether he's up to it. Because I will hire someone if I need to to work hypnobirthing with me. I need someone who can look me in the eye and touch my belly and be fully present. I'm quite intuitive and I will know in a flash if anything is missing, that someone's not fully in.

Thoughts? Great DP coach stories?

[MyFullHouse]

No actual advice to offer, but I thought I'd let you know my dh gets squigged out by the little aliens inside me, and we're working on our 4th baby together. Just last night, dh jumped away when this one made some funky little thumps. He felt badly, and just said "It's been a while!" (Our youngest is 3.5)

Yet he's never really freaked out in the delivery room. I'm kind of an independent birther though, so he mostly just fetches me food and waits, expectantly. If I wanted hands-on, I'd definitely need to hire a doula.

[Peony]

DH has always been the same way. With DD1 I was naive and thought I could help him past it. Hah. Thank goodness I am also an independent birther! I have spend all 3 of my labors reassuring him that everything is ok. The whole pg and birth thing is really not his cup of tea, but he is a great dad.

[Max'sMama]

My husband was completely not present until after the baby came. He's still creeped out by the belly, every single time I am pregnant. Most come around when the baby is here and not some 'alien' in the belly. I suggest you find another mother, another pregnant woman to get 'into' the pregnancy with you. Some husbands just aren't and won't be. No matter how much you want it.

There is a lot of pressure on dad, in his own mind, of how much more responsibility he will have so I think for some those thoughts take precedence in their minds, as the actual baby and pregnancy take precedence in your mind.

[Kellyh_01]

I've carried and delivered 4 babies and 3 surrogate babies. My husband is the best labor support, and a wonderful father, but feeling the baby move in my belly completely freaks him out. He just doesn't like it. If the baby moves when we're next to each other (like lying in bed) he cringes and pulls his hand away. To him it's just creepy, having a person inside your body moving around however it wants to. He's stated that if he was pregnant he couldn't handle that part of it. (He also won't wiggle our DD's loose teeth - that's even worse to him). I think it's odd, and to me, feeling baby move is one of the best parts of pregnancy, but he can support me when I need him to.

It sounds like you're got a good plan to give him some more time, and hire a doula if you feel like you'll need it. He may come around, but I think for a lot of men it can be a difficult transition.

[Buddhamom]

Hmm, I can only offer the oppsite side. My hubby is VERY hands on. He is one to constantly rub my belly and puts his mouth on my tummy and talks to the baby. He also loves to put different kinds of music playing through a headset to see the different reactions (probably because he is an engineer geek). Needless to say he way over digs the ultrasounds. *LOL* He also likes to put light things on my stomach to watch them kick it off, go figure. Of course it has been 19 years since our last pregnancy, but he hasn't changed a bit with this one. He is the kind of labor partner that holds me up while I wrap my arms around his neck and squat. And as you mentioned, stares in my eyes and holds me to bring me to the "peaceful" place during labor. I could never give birth without him. I think some of this comes from being raised in an all women household and now we have three daughters and he is hoping for another girl. Is there something your hubby could do that he is interested in that pertains to the baby? Like my hubby like technology so playing music to the baby is fun for him. Or is he a sports fan so he can have the ball kicked off your belly? How about hanging out with other Dads that are more hands on that he can talk to and hang out with?

[annaconda]

Independent Birther???

Thanks for all the responses - I was kind of hoping for the Buddhamom's kind of experience, but I'm not sure if it's in the cards. We'll see. I'm going to be patient. But it's good to know that that skeeved out thing is pretty normal.

Also... to the independent birthers -

OK... I didn't really know you could be an independent birther?!? I mean I'm a yoga teacher and I work with breathing and guided relaxation on a daily basis. I feel that I could get through it on my own cues - that I'd be best at doing what I wanted to do frankly. I'd be picky with anyone else.

So I guess maybe I should or could record some of my own relaxation scripts and work that way. I think that some of the hand placement relaxation cues are important... but maybe there's a way to be more self-guided. I guess I worry that I won't have my faculties about me. But I guess when you start to go deep within that's all you have - your own faculties.

I mean I don't particularly want to work with anyone else either. He's the best other than myself - that's why I married him, KWIM?

Hmmmm.... So were you independent birthers with your first? Did you have confidence and just kind of go to labor (I'm going to try to stay home for as long as possible then head to the pretty cool birthing center at the hospital.)

Did you hire someone the first time or did you know early on you'd be an independent birther? Fascinating! That sounds so right to me.

I don't really feel like I need to hire someone. And my own family is far away and I wouldn't use them anyway. Maybe I'll enlist my mother in law - she was going to be DH's backup, but maybe it will be the other way around... She's the primary assistant and he's the backup... or they're both there as and if I need them.

[wehrli]

Originally Posted by annaconda

Also... to the independent birthers -

OK... I didn't really know you could be an independent birther?!? I mean I'm a yoga teacher and I work with breathing and guided relaxation on a daily basis. I feel that I could get through it on my own cues - that I'd be best at doing what I wanted to do frankly. I'd be picky with anyone else.

So I guess maybe I should or could record some of my own relaxation scripts and work that way. I think that some of the hand placement relaxation cues are important... but maybe there's a way to be more self-guided. I guess I worry that I won't have my faculties about me. But I guess when you start to go deep within that's all you have - your own faculties.

i'm not an independant birther but i'm gonna suggest Hypnobabies for the relaxation scripts you are talking about... there is even a CD that is meant to be put on during labor and delivery. and there is even a partner CD. just a thought. good luck.

[MaryLang]

My DH is pretty supportive, but just not the kinda guy that puts his hand on my belly to feel the baby or anything. And this is our 5th, he's just never been very touchy feely about it.
I think the best thing we did with #1 was take Bradley Classes. I don't think they were as important for me ( I'd have preferred Birthing From Within classes), but it was so awesome to have him come with. Bradley is very heavily partner oriented and he learned soooo much about birth.

[mylilmonkeys]

My husband is not as adverse as yours, but he's certainly not all into the pregnancies. LOL Mostly, he just ignores it. He'll put his hand on my belly if I invite him to, but he claims he can't feel a thing. He only just was able to really hear the FHTs on my fetoscope with this pregnancy. But each pregnancy he's gotten a little better. With our first, we went the whole medical route, because I didn't know any different. He'd hold my hand, but once the epidural was on board, he grabbed a book and waited out the rest of the labor.

With the second, our first home birth, he slept through most of the labor (but it was the middle of the night and he had been up since 3AM the previous morning for the paper route), but supported me from behind while I squatted and birthed in the pool.

With the third, I hired a doula, but didn't want to hear any voice but his. LOL

With the fourth, we chose unassisted. I fully intended to catch the baby on my own, because he refused to discuss it beyond that he thought it was kind of gross. When I went in the bathroom and he heard me start pushing waaaay before either of us anticipated, he hollered something like, "Are you supposed to be doing that?" And then jumped out of bed and grabbed a towel so he wouldn't have to touch the baby wet. LOL

With the fifth, I had him moving furniture out of the bedroom and even took a door off our adjoining bathroom because of the flow pattern. I totally had not planned to birth in our tiny bedroom. By the time all that happened, I was birthing.

With the sixth, I totally thought I was in very early labor, and didn't need much attention. We turned a movie on, and watched. I'd jump up and pace with each contraction, walk behind his chair and grip his shoulders. Then I turned around and birthed. Our midwife had just gotten there not long before.

What my husband is excellent at is counter-pressure. He can be in a completely different room, but when a contraction hits, he's doing counter-pressure immediately! Other than that, I'm good on my own. That last one, though, I don't think I even got to the point of asking for counter-pressure. Maybe once?

My point, husbands can evolve and do more than we anticipate, but it's okay if they're not totally into it, either. Once the baby is out and dried off, he's a wonderful Papa. He changes diapers, cuddles, puts to bed, etc. all those involved Daddy things.

[Mommel]

I hear you! I already know that my DH will be completely useless during labor and delivery.

At our first appointment he had to leave before my pelvic exam... ridiculous! He says he has a "sensitive brain". I think that, in general, he had no idea what he was signing up for when he said, "I think we should start trying to make a baby, honey".

If I don't end up doing a home birth with a midwife (still not sure yet), I'll definitely hire a doula to help. In fact, the majority of my friends and family have already offered to chip in and pay for one.

[clutterbug]

Add me to the creeped out DH list My DH is sooooo supportive, and he loves to hear the heartbeat and see babe on ultrasound. But he admitted to me during my last pregnancy that fetal movement gives him the heebie jeebies...I think his head immediately goes to imagining how I must feel having some other being inside me moving around, and when he puts himself in my place, he feels creeped out.

We have had a doula/midwife present for both the other births, DH tends to feel pretty helpless, I think, and he is there more for his presence than for physical support. I knew that would be the case...you know your partner fairly well, you can probably get a good feel for what kind of support he will provide and whether it will be what you are hoping for...even if he thinks he can do it, maybe he can't (or vice versa!).

[Twinklefae]

I just wanted to add two things - I would hire a doula. You may be able to cope on your own if your DH is not up to it, but the middle of labour is not the place to learn that.

Also, he may surprise you. First pregnancy, he wasn't repulsed by the belly, but he was definitely not interested. Once I was in labour? He was the best support ever. (And some of the support I needed was sheerly physical - someone to lean on, someone to squeeze my hips, etc.) He outshone what I thought he would be able to do by miles. This didn't devalue my doula, she was excellent at helping him help me.

This time, he's far more interested in my belly. I think it's because he's realized that there's a baby in there. Last time we had a lot of relationship stress, and this time we don't. Little things make a big difference.

[hollytheteacher]

I would highly recommend a doula. I so wish I had one for my first birth. My dh wasn't quite as "hands off" as yours and still he told me after the fact that supporting me through labor was way, way, harder than he thought it would be. Everything we learned he forgot and he got exhausted during my most painful part when I needed him the most.

We are getting a doula this time (she is a prenatal yoga instructor also) and I already feel a lot more reassured that things will be okay.

[camprunner]

With our first Dh was a tiny bit like that. He wasn't interested in the baby books at all. Now (with our third) we are re-reading one together and he's like "Why didn't you read this to me with the others?" He wasn't interested! He got very squeamish when the baby started moving and wasn't nearly as excited as I expected him to be to feel the baby. The baby would kick him anytime he tried to hug me and he didn't appreciate it at all. He went to Bradley classes and was more interested in the "Hot Donuts Now" sign at the Krispy Kreme down the road. He did actually suggest hiring a doula but we were so poor, I told him that he would have to fill that role for me. After the birth, I informed the hospital staff when they asked for the baby, that DH would bring her to them. You would have thought that I'd just asked him to do the hardest thing. He looked so scared but took a deep breath and did it. He was scared throughout...

But with the second one. He was much less squeamish. He was at least interested in seeing what the baby looked like in the week by week books. And as soon as he had the midwife's approval, he took the baby walking up and down the hall (I wasn't thrilled with that but HE was much more comfortable).

I'd say it's normal and he's probably just a little nervous. Maybe once he gets into the childbirth classes he will feel more comfortable. DH did like asking questions at our classes A LOT. He wanted to know everything about his role and when to identify the sign posts. But outside of the class, he wasn't so gung ho.