Culture of birth in America

[philomom]

Gah, you can share your stories make recommendations all you like and sometimes things still go down the toilet.

The neighbor just had her first baby. She is 40 but in pretty good health. Smart, professional, very nice lady. They moved to a small town just three months before the birth. I won't say which one, I'm trying to protect her identity. She met the doctor, like him and then .....

Blammo, he delivers her at 37 weeks by c-section because mom had a "touch of high blood pressure". Baby doesn't look "cooked" to me.

Mom is thrilled because baby was "saved". Dad thrilled because he always wanted a kid. This is just how it happens sometimes...etc, etc.

But I'm so disappointed for them. This was probably this woman's only birth experience and I feel like it was ruined for her and their little family. I don't say much at this point because it's over but I'm mourning for her. Does that make sense? Sigh.

[Lady Lilya]

Well, if she is thrilled, then I'd say it wasn't ruined for her. Clearly that is not a birth you would consider a triumph, and I wouldn't either, but she is happy with it.

Think of it this way: let's say I offer you $20 for some knickknack you have that you think is worth $10 and I think is worth $30. We agree to the deal. You are thrilled to get $10 more than you thought it was worth. I am thrilled to get it for $10 less than I thought it was worth. We are both shaking our heads at each other. We feel sorry for each other because we feel like we cheated each other out of $10. I can't understand how you could let it go for so cheap, yet be thrilled. You can't understand how I could pay so much, yet be thrilled.

Make sense?

[CI Mama]

If this is not someone you know well, it is possible that there's more to the story than you're being told. She may have health issues that wouldn't be obvious unless she told you about them (and she may have perfectly legit reasons not to share), and there may have been more going on with the labor than she was willing to share.

The parents may also have more nuanced feelings about the whole experience than they are broadcasting. It is a very strong cultural norm to communicate "our baby is here & we're thrilled" once a baby arrives, regardless of how the birth goes.

[amyjeans]

sometimes people don't realize there are alternatives. When I had my 1st UC, my neighbor asked me "You can do that?" like I need permission or something.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by amyjeans

sometimes people don't realize there are alternatives. When I had my 1st UC, my neighbor asked me "You can do that?" like I need permission or something.

Thanks, true. When my first was born.. I didn't even have a clue that folks could birth at home. It wasn't until midway through my third pregnancy that I realized all the midwives in my practice delivered each other's babies at home.

[JTA Mom]

Originally Posted by CI Mama

The parents may also have more nuanced feelings about the whole experience than they are broadcasting. It is a very strong cultural norm to communicate "our baby is here & we're thrilled" once a baby arrives, regardless of how the birth goes.

Yes, this.

As someone who has had 3 births that had something 'go wrong' in each of them, I don't communicate anything other than 'thrilled baby is here' to all but the closest friends/family members. To share more would risk opening myself to the bs that is 'but your baby is healthy' and '(fill in the blank) is no big deal'.

Ami

[CherryBomb]

Originally Posted by Lady Lilya

Well, if she is thrilled, then I'd say it wasn't ruined for her.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Lady Lilya

We agree to the deal. You are thrilled to get $10 more than you thought it was worth.

While this analogy is sweet in sentiment, it doesn't accurately apply. In this case, no one really "lost" anything - $10 isn't that significant. Since the item in question was a knicknack, I'll assume that means neither party is starving & struggling to pay the bills, so making/paying $10 more/less than you feel it's worth is inconsequential.

Whereas an unnecessary CS DOES do damage to both mother & baby. It's a fact - especially if baby was born early (& 37W is significantly earlier than average for a FTM, and therefore very likely to be earlier than the baby needed.) On top of all the other fun stuff we all know about (higher risk of breathing problems, asthma, harder recovery for Mom, harder time BFing, etc. etc.)

IOW, I wouldn't call an unnecesssary CS "inconsequential."

& while it's entirely possible that this individual woman in question may indeed have had a truly necessary CS, IMO, that's not really the point. Unnecessary CS happen EVER DAY in the US - literally thousands per year. We all know that. It's sad, it's infuriating, it borders on criminal. It sucks. It pisses me off.

Also, whether or not this particular woman is "thrilled" with her birth experience is also not the point - IT IS TRUE that many women prefer CS because they think vaginal birth is horrific and/or gross. Remember "too posh to push?" (Although, I must say, if my only choices were between a typical, "medically-managed" vaginal birth, that's likely to end in CS anyway, & CS, I can see how CS in the first place can seem like the better route.)

& finally, situations like this irk me because docs are misleading people (again, if the situation is as it seems - and even if this situation is not, we do know there ARE tons & tons of women led to believe the OB "saved" their baby w/CS when the OB caused the problems in the first place!) Families being deceived, misled, and abused like that by people who should be providing good care for them makes me angry as well.

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by philomom

Gah, you can share your stories make recommendations all you like and sometimes things still go down the toilet.

The neighbor just had her first baby. She is 40 but in pretty good health. Smart, professional, very nice lady. They moved to a small town just three months before the birth. I won't say which one, I'm trying to protect her identity. She met the doctor, like him and then .....

Blammo, he delivers her at 37 weeks by c-section because mom had a "touch of high blood pressure". Baby doesn't look "cooked" to me.

Mom is thrilled because baby was "saved". Dad thrilled because he always wanted a kid. This is just how it happens sometimes...etc, etc.

But I'm so disappointed for them. This was probably this woman's only birth experience and I feel like it was ruined for her and their little family. I don't say much at this point because it's over but I'm mourning for her. Does that make sense? Sigh.

I am sorry that you are in mourning for someone who is thrilled with the way things went.

Regardless of anyone's opinion of how someone else gave birth...we should ALL have the choice to give birth how we see fit, and that includes those who choose to not take any risks with their blood pressure and choose to have a C-section as a result. Would you be upset if someone told you they were disappointed that you had a med free vaginal birth?

[Lady Lilya]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

...Families being deceived, misled, and abused like that by people who should be providing good care for them makes me angry as well.

Me too.

It does bother me that my aunt is thrilled that doctors were able to "rescue" her and her 2 sons with C/Ss. It does bother me that my mother's cousin's daughter was grateful to be able to have an early induction rather than take the risk of a fast labor causing her to give birth at home rather than make it to the hospital.

There is a lot of psychological stuff surrounding birth. And if we are looking at a sample of women who fear the natural process and feel like they triumphed over it by making use of medical interventions, I don't think their feelings of triumph are meaningless. If they are empowered by humanity conquering nature, I say that is better than them feeling victimized by it. And hopefully it will positively color their approach to raising their babies if they feel empowered.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Yes, op, I am totally with you.

You don't need to disclaimer the what if's, as megboz said, it's happening daily and it's a tragedy.

[Lady Lilya]

I've been thinking this out more, and my feeling is that there are 2 kinds of empathy. One is where you ask "how would I feel if this experience happened to me?" and the other where you ask "how is this person feeling about having had this experience?" I think most of you are talking more along the lines of the first, and I am thinking along the lines of the second.

Gonna try another analogy. You like blue balloons. You like red balloons more, but you are happy enough with a blue balloon. I like red balloons and hate blue balloons. You get a blue balloon. If I am utilizing the first kind of empathy, I would feel very sad that you got a blue balloon, because I would hate to have a blue balloon. But if I were utilizing the second kind I'd be glad that you are so happy with your blue balloon.