Independent Birther

[annaconda]

Do you consider yourself an independent birther?

If so, when did you have that realization?

If you'd like to see the back story refer to this thread:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1272417

Trying to come to terms with the fact that DH may not ever be totally great with pregnancy... and feeling like I could rely on myself for the most part, but is that just hubris?

[Lady Lilya]

My DH wasn't present at my first home birth, and won't be pregnant at any future ones unless there is an emergency.

I feel like I cope with things better without having him around. In fact, I want male-free births. He is relieved that he doesn't have to be there.

[jcregan]

I did not read the back story on your post, but I was drawn to the term "independent birther". I think it would apply to me!

DH was sort of willing to go to classes or whatever but not really totally into it and I did not really feel like pushing him into a Bradley class or something. Also I guess I already felt a bit independent... like I did not think I really wanted him leading me through the birth but just being there if needed. The idea of "father led childbirth" honestly turned me off.

Since then I have heard some pretty good Bradley things and I may have had a bit of a misconception about it. I here the general birth/pregnancy education dads get is great. Either way, too late now for birth #1 anyway and I don't plan on any classes this time around.

We went to the hospital class which really was fairly good.

I think knew I was an "independent birther" (but would not have known how to express it at the time) during the time when we were supposedly practicing breathing techniques for transition. I realized that the supporter led method was totally NOT for me. I was supposed to blow out in short breaths to a count between like 2-5 and he was supposed to decide how many and change it up each time and the signal when to release the rest of the breath etc. I was getting annoyed at him already and kept doing how ever many exhales I felt like doing and ignoring his counts (I do realize the point is that this was supposed to be distracting and take the focus off of contractions and I can totally see it working for some people). For me I was just annoyed and told him later he should probably never try that method.

At DD's birth I would say he was more of a silent observer and I just did my own thing and it was exactly what I needed. I grew up being told by my mom how great natural childbirth is and never developed a fear or high anxiety around it. I did prenatal yoga that had a great meditation track and I just did my own thing through the labor, trusted myself to do what I felt like and totally relaxed in between contractions.

DH held my hand when I was laboring in the tub. I would sit up with every contraction and use the bar on the wall and his hand to pull myself up and do low moaning and then I would go back and relax - repeat repeat repeat.

The moral of this long post is I guess that yeah I would consider myself an independent birther (thanks for giving me a term to use) and I am not really sure when I realized it but it just felt like a natural path for me the whole time.

PS. My water broke early and I ended up on pit. and did manage no pain meds - it was a midwife/ hospital birth.

[MyFullHouse]

My first birth was with my ex in the room. He was absolutely worthless, lol. He even froze when I told him to go get a nurse. It's okay. I threw up on his shoes.

With my second (dh's first) delivery, dh really tried to "help". This is when I realized that I don't like to talk while in active labor. I'm a Chatty Cathy right up until it gets serious, and that's about it. Every time he tried to rub something, say something, or move something, it wasn't *quite* what I wanted, and trying to tell him what I'd prefer messed with my concentration. I think I may have hit him a couple of times to get him to move away.

Now we both know that what works best is for me to occasionally bark "Food! Water! Washcloth!", and just feeling his presence. Though, I did wind up delivering #4 without him there, and that went fine, other than feeling badly for him afterward.

[la mamita]

Yes, I do. My first baby was born at home, with a midwife present and my sister as my birth partner, but honestly, I didn't need her at all and just let her sleep until I started pushing. I am a fairly stoic and introverted person in general, so it's not surprising to me that I would prefer to birth alone. My reaction to being sick is the same: I want to be left alone, unless I am really scared that something is wrong. One of the major reasons I want to birth at home is because I don't want people all up in my business, in my space, telling me what to do. My current partner wants to be present at the birth, but I don't know how much actual "support" I will need. I definitely don't want anyone else around besides him and a midwife. I feel like a mama cat who hides in the barn to give birth alone...

[mylilmonkeys]

I left a long reply on the other thread that I hope is helpful. Since you are a first time mom, and you can't really know what to expect or what kind of labor you might like, it might be worthwhile to hire a doula so that if you need more support you have it available to you. I would be totally honest with her, that you think you would like to be more self-reliant during labor, and may not call her unless you feel the need, or may dismiss her if she is there and you're fine without her. If you keep it open like that, especially when you are interviewing her upfront, you don't have to worry about offending her. Doulas are great for prenatal questions you might have as well as postpartum new mom or new baby questions. You'll have to pay the full fee whether she comes to the birth or not, but as a first time mom not knowing what to expect, it might be worth it to you.

I highly support autonomy, but I would hate for you to end up with a posterior back labor and no one who knew the double hip squeeze or how to turn the baby with positioning, etc. You can be independent and still have attendants if you need them!

[Lucy&Jude'sMama]

Mmm I think this fits me as well. In general when I'm hurt or upset I don't like people to be hovering around me. I was the same way when I gave birth to my daughter. My partner didn't know what to do... He said several times "idk how to help you" and I'd smile and say "it's ok. My body's doing what it needs to".

One big thing that surprised me with my first birth was how calm and kind I was. I thought for sure I would be throwing things and cussing my entire way through it, but I mostly internalized the pain and worked through it silently. Towards transition time I moaned and did soem loud breathing out sounds and it was only when I was at the pushing stage that I verbal said "I can't do this" to which my partner smiled and said "yes you can... Her heads already out!"

That's when I needed him and he was right there. Before that part in my birth... Eh he could have been sleeping on the couch and I wouldn't really care. In fact I think he did sleep on the couch.

I birthed in a hospital with no medication.

[Peony]

I didn't know I would be this way before my first birth. DD1 was a hospital birth BTW. I spend most of my labor at home, I bounced on a ball, paced around, I just wanted to be left alone. Even DH watching made me antsy. When it came to time to leave, I was at the hospital 2 hours before DD1 was born, an hour of that was pushing, my feelings didn't change. I had a MW and RN that left me alone until I was pushing.

My next two births were at home, I spend the labors hiding out in the bedroom because anyone around me was too much. I like to breathe and focus on whatever it is I need to get through the contraction, one person in the room throws me off.

[annaconda]

Thanks everyone! I can see myself definitely wanting to be in charge of my own breathing/relaxation methods. I am trained at that. And in general, I don't want to be disturbed, so DH and I are going to stay home till surges are two minutes apart and are intense. Nicely, the MW in my OB practice suggested this guideline.

I had a long good talk with DH last night and he kind of had a lightbulb moment that he was not going to get to both be "freaked out" about the baby growing inside of me AND get to be the birth partner.

I know that I am strongly intuitive and won't be able to do any training with him if he can't put his hands on me without squeamishness. He really wants to be the primary involved person and that's what I want too.

I'm looking forward to him helping me through the positions (both remembering them and getting into them during labor) and having all the techniques (hip squeeze, back counterpressure, that kind of stuff). I'm certain I'll be managing my breath alone. I'm also going to need him to get me to the birthing center (get me through the 20 minutes in the car) and to advocate for me in the birthing center.

And I anticipate not being able to talk in active labor - it seems to be pretty consistent. I wouldn't expect to have a lot to say as I focus more internally.

THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR THOUGHTS It's helped me figure out more specifics of my wishes for birth.

[amyjeans]

I think I am independent with birth. Reflecting on my past births, I think about if someone were there, what could they have possibly done for me? Even dh stays quiet and in the shadows until he hears me grunting- then is silent as he prepares to catch the baby. I don't want anyone to even touch me, let alone look at me. After birthing in the hospital and being ordered to do things- I began to realize that only I know what to do with my body. I also really feel restrictive just thinking about an audience.
One other thing- I would totally NOT want to speak during most of the labor, for fear of saying something mean to my dh, even if he knew I didn't mean it- it just might make me feel bad and lose focus. kwim?

[canadianhippie]

I am!

I much preferred it, I was a single parent through pregnancy until present and I went through my labour completely alone. It was a privacy thing for me, I wanted to do what ever I wanted to get through contractions and focus on the birth. My mom hung around in the room later on in the labour but I didnt want anyone touching me or anything and I got through it. I dont know if its empowering or anything, but I felt this was much more natural for me