WWYD? Can no longer trust babysitter - Page 4

[EarthMamaToBe]

I was a teen sitter and I NEVER gave food that was not allowed to a child and I did not allow TV that the parents had not approved.

Spongebob is STRICTLY forbidden in our home and always will be.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

I was a teen sitter and I NEVER gave food that was not allowed to a child and I did not allow TV that the parents had not approved.

Spongebob is STRICTLY forbidden in our home and always will be.

Why though? I just don't get it. Maybe I'm not crunchy enough?

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by thyra

Why though? I just don't get it. Maybe I'm not crunchy enough?

I'm with you. I will say that when my oldest was a baby those shows seemed "terrible" compared to Barney. I don't care if you like Spongebob or not but I find his innocence and loving nature to be refreshing.

[ImaSophie]

I would talk with my sitter but i would not fire her over this. Not if she has always been reliable, & my child has a good relationship with her.

We don't watch Sponge Bob in our home and my kids do not eat Doritos but, my parents sometimes let the boys eat/watch things we would not. The way I see it is it is not an everyday occurrence and it is not worth the energy to get super annoyed/pissed over.

The next time the sitter is babysitting I would kindly & calmly just say these are her snacks, here is her milk, and here is her dinner please do not feed her anything else beyond what I have provided. Then I would say her is the DVD she can watch please no other television beyond this DVD. I would just add it into the spiel I give whenever the sitter is there for the evening.

[texmati]

i know I"m a hard a$$ about this, but you are the mom, you are paying her-- the sitter should be doing what you want. I would expect a responsible teen to follow simple instructions. Fire her, hire someone else. I'm also upfront in my interviews that we are strict about food, we are vegetarians, we don't allow the tv to be on during the day.

If the sitter feels she can't deal with it, she shouldn't take the job.

My son is a bit younger than your's but I would be livid, and I would not have that sitter back at *all*.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Artichokie

I would poop a brick if my dd was given doritos or permitted to watch spongebob. Those things are so far from acceptable that they aren't even in the same universe. Having a sitter permit those items would be a huge breach of trust and she would be fired.

I agree.

I can't even express how this would make me feel. It's more than just Spongebob & Doritos being taboo in our household. You made it clear to her that she could always call you with questions about what your DD could eat/watch/etc. so there was no need for this. It's not like you forgot to lay out her snacks/dinner and she panicked and gave her the first thing she could find... Also, I've never hired a babysitter (though I used to babysit a lot myself), but I would expect someone I hired to be playing with my kid when they are there, not plopping her in front of a TV -- I don't even understand that. I can't imagine ever being able to trust this sitter again, even if she agrees to follow your rules better, because it just sounds like her views are so far different from yours that you'll just run into more & more issues down the line.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I trully honestly am curious. PLEASE PLEASE, note my completly humble form in asking this question:

What is so bad about spongebob that hes almost considered evil? I will admit I avoid him because i feel if my kids are going to WATCH TV, there is going to be some sort of educational value involved. Counting, animals, ABCs. something. But I havent been 100% successful in that avoidance either. hes squeaked in here and there.

OK, derailed question over. Thank you.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

I trully honestly am curious. PLEASE PLEASE, note my completly humble form in asking this question:

What is so bad about spongebob that hes almost considered evil? I will admit I avoid him because i feel if my kids are going to WATCH TV, there is going to be some sort of educational value involved. Counting, animals, ABCs. something. But I havent been 100% successful in that avoidance either. hes squeaked in here and there.

OK, derailed question over. Thank you.

LOL. I don't consider it evil but it's a show neither of us have ever previewed and we prefer the shows she watch have some sort of educational value involved and that we see them first to find out what it's about. We do the same thing with the DVDs we own (watch on netflix first to see if it's something we want to pay for). I was also under the impression Sponge is a show for older kids. My cousin who's about 11 loves it so I don't associate it with being okay for a toddler. Your question made me laugh. Thanks for lightening the mood.

[sleepingbeauty]

I was curious about the anti-spongebob mindset many people have. I mean, I know that there are some weird things on this show but it's not horrible... My 3 year old goddaughter is SB (and Cinderella's) biggest fan. @_@

Edited to add: I would prefer that she were more of a Little Bear fan though. I get the educational part of it but it seems like some people are truly opposed to all that is Spongbob. *shrugs*

About the babysitter--You're the employer. You make the rules. Lay them out as clearly and obviously as you can next time, if you do choose to have a Next Time.

[mamadebug]

Just another perspective - maybe this isn't so much of a trust issue as a difference of values (food and TV). It really doesn't sound to me like she was doing any of this in a sneaky or malicious way (which to me would indicate a breach of trust) - she told you about the chip and it was obvious what was on the TV. She is still really young and, I would assume, hasn't given these things the same consideration as you have. I would guess that she probably just doesn't think the chips and SpongeBob are all that bad.

Also, if she has been a good sitter for a year, maybe she was just having an off night. Maybe she broke up with a boyfriend, found out her financial aid wasn't coming through, had a fight with a roommate or something else..... (all things that happened to me in college and were a lot at the time to deal with). Maybe she really is a great babysitter, but was just drowning her sorrows in food and, since your kid was around, she got to partake. Maybe she just wasn't in a place to be as available to your DD and so let her zone out a bit on TV. I have done those things as a mom (and a former babysitter).

I would probably just talk to her and mention that you really appreciate how she has taken care of your DD, but that you are uncomfortable with that kind of TV show/that much TV and your DD eating any food other than what you have left out. My guess would be that the sitter has no idea you are bothered by any of this.

And, this is just me, but if my kid really liked the baby sitter, was happy while I was gone and I trusted her to keep the child safe in a larger sense (not leaving her alone in the bathtub or something big like that), I wouldn't worry too much about a few chips and some junk TV. I wouldn't like it all that much, but it seems like a small price to pay for an otherwise good sitter.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by TiredX2

The TV... I would be ticked. 6 episodes is a lot of tv. How long were you gone? I guess if you were gone 6-8 hours, that is one thing, but if it is just a couple hours you are basically paying for your child to watch tv.

As someone else mentioned, the OP doesn't really know for sure that her child was watching it. She mentioned later in the thread that the babysitter is about to finish college. I've known a lot of people in that age range who love Spongebob. Maybe the sitter was watching it herself?

[Mackenzie]

I am still wondering how explicit of instructions were left...

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

As someone else mentioned, the OP doesn't really know for sure that her child was watching it. She mentioned later in the thread that the babysitter is about to finish college. I've known a lot of people in that age range who love Spongebob. Maybe the sitter was watching it herself?

Is the babysitter a teenager? (I dont remember seeing her age anywhere)

If so, I would totally go with this.

[Evergreen]

I'm still all about why if the little one wanted milk she'd give her Doritos??? I mean, it's not a drink and they do make you even thirstier. Just weird to me.

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by Mackenzie

Okay, since its being said that she "ignored explicit instructions" I wonder if you could please clarify if that is the case because that is really the crux of the issue. Did you explicitly tell her not to feed her anything other than what you provided and to allow her to watch ONLY those shows?

Unless you are completely, 100% crystal clear about your expectations (to the point that they are written down, and posted on the fridge or something), you can expect for people to do things you wouldn't. Period.

I agree with these. For me, a couple chips and Spongebob (ever since he saved me one time at a four-hour car repair episode at Les Schwab) are not the end of the world, BUT I remember how I felt when I only had one child, and she was only 2.5.

The point is, is it possible that a childless but well-meaning lit major just did not get that "prepared" meant "only possible" and that in spite of their vegetable basis (corn oil, corn syrup, and corn flour... LOL) Doritos are really not an acceptable substitute? Did she take "Clifford" to mean, "cartoons"?

I do think a lot of people are under the impression that TV as background noise is not a big deal. We don't do it. I think it's bad. But again... did you give a specific time limit?

I think the reason people keep repeating that these aren't a big deal to them is not that they are saying, "Therefore, it's relative."

They are saying, a lot of the population would never, ever think to mention these things. It would literally not occur to probably 99% of college students to mention that the child had a Dorito or watched several hours of Spongebob.

Not that it's not a big deal for you or that you're wrong, but that it's not a breach of trust not to mention it unless you:

-Left a list of foods and said, "ONLY these foods please, even if you have your own snacks, thanks" and "The following shows are OK, nothing else:" and "Only x minutes of screen time computer, TV, iphone combined."

I guess that it's not obvious.

I don't think Thyra's repeating the same thing. What she's saying is, your expectations may not have been obvious and if they weren't, you need to understand what the prevailing attitude is to see where your sitter is coming from.

Almost like... say you ask her to put your child to bed after a bath. Sitter lets her have a bubble bath made from dish soap. You are mortified. Posters tell you again and again that bubble baths from dish soap are really common and keep asking you: "So did you or did you not, tell her not to do a bubble bath? Because I would do that..."

There are a LOT of people who would think that calling over a Dorito is ridiculous. It would literally never cross their minds to think that food is an important thing.

Do you see the point? Imagine if this was a person from a foreign country that said prayers over your child before going to bed or something. You would think, "Gee, I didn't realize I had to specify, NO RELIGIOUS RITUALS, please." You wouldn't think of it as a breach of trust.

So did you, or didn't you, tell her "nothing but" and "only these"?

Who gives a kid Doritos when they ask for milk?

Lots of people. LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE. Especially people who don't have kids.

[Storm Bride]

Okay - in my last post, I'd missed two full pages of the thread.

It doesn't sound likely that the babysitter was watching Spongebob - possible, but not likely.

OP: I'd definitely talk to her about all this. Those two issues (Doritos and Spongebob) wouldn't be that big a deal to me, and I'd let the Doritos go - with a reminder - since she told you about it herself. The tv thing would definitely require some explanations. IMO, the important thing isn't that it was Spongebob (or any other show, for that matter). The important thing is that she let your dd watch something that you didn't want her watching, and then apparently hid it. I'm willing to concede the possibility that something came up (bad news in the family or something) or she wasn't feeling well and put on the show, then it slipped her mind...but it definitely warrants more investigation, imo.

I was the child in a similar scenario. In my case, the issue at hand - junk food - was pretty bad (large quantities), but the damage was done by the lying and sneaking involved. There were oher issues going on, and those issues were a bigger deal, but the junk food and lying, all by themselves, have caused me issues with food well into adulthood, and the whole pattern was the single biggest contributor to my own disordered eating. IMO, having a caregiver lie to/evade the parents, even over "minor" (to me, and maybe to the babysitter, but not to the parents!) things is damaging...to the child. It doesn't matter what those "minor" things are.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Mackenzie

I am still wondering how explicit of instructions were left...

Perhaps not explicit enough. I've been trying to soak in what everyone has written and while I believed I communicated what I expect I can cop to the fact that maybe I wasn't clear enough? I don't know but I have decided to speak to her but I will wait a few more days before doing so. I rather have the conversation with a clear head than an annoyed one.

[Jaxinator]

Originally Posted by gbailey

Perhaps not explicit enough. I've been trying to soak in what everyone has written and while I believed I communicated what I expect I can cop to the fact that maybe I wasn't clear enough? I don't know but I have decided to speak to her but I will wait a few more days before doing so. I rather have the conversation with a clear head than an annoyed one.

FWIW, I think that's a good idea.
If I were in your situation, I would approach her with a "BTW, I noticed SB was watched on the TV..."
Or a "I'm really sorry if I didn't leave more detailed instructions, but..."

From what you've posted it really sounds like nothing was done on purpose to upset you, more like she didn't even realize that you wouldn't approve. Either way, good luck, and I hope that's all it was, and she's apologetic.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by gbailey

Perhaps not explicit enough. I've been trying to soak in what everyone has written and while I believed I communicated what I expect I can cop to the fact that maybe I wasn't clear enough? I don't know but I have decided to speak to her but I will wait a few more days before doing so. I rather have the conversation with a clear head than an annoyed one.

Good plan. It's way too easy to go overboard and react badly when you're still irritated. BTDT (here on MDC, actually).

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Okay - in my last post, I'd missed two full pages of the thread.

It doesn't sound likely that the babysitter was watching Spongebob - possible, but not likely.

OP: I'd definitely talk to her about all this. Those two issues (Doritos and Spongebob) wouldn't be that big a deal to me, and I'd let the Doritos go - with a reminder - since she told you about it herself. The tv thing would definitely require some explanations. IMO, the important thing isn't that it was Spongebob (or any other show, for that matter). The important thing is that she let your dd watch something that you didn't want her watching, and then apparently hid it. I'm willing to concede the possibility that something came up (bad news in the family or something) or she wasn't feeling well and put on the show, then it slipped her mind...but it definitely warrants more investigation, imo.

I was the child in a similar scenario. In my case, the issue at hand - junk food - was pretty bad (large quantities), but the damage was done by the lying and sneaking involved. There were oher issues going on, and those issues were a bigger deal, but the junk food and lying, all by themselves, have caused me issues with food well into adulthood, and the whole pattern was the single biggest contributor to my own disordered eating. IMO, having a caregiver lie to/evade the parents, even over "minor" (to me, and maybe to the babysitter, but not to the parents!) things is damaging...to the child. It doesn't matter what those "minor" things are.

Thanks for sharing your personal story StormBride. I don't know if you saw my last post but I am going to speak to the sitter.