Bad feeling about nanny/sitter... update post #44

[texmati]

So our old sitter had to move away, so we are on day 2 of new nanny. I feel very apprehensive about it, even though I can't tell you exactly why.

On paper she sounded like a dream-- she also does housecleaning on the side, has great references, etc. During the interview, she seemed very professional, and we felt that was a good thing, given our issues with the old sitter.

It was wonderful to come home to a mostly clean downstairs yesterday-- and she did so much without even being asked.

However, she just doesn't seem very warm. DH (who works from home, so is around during the day) noticed this as well. Old sitter would scoop up DS as soon as she came in, and his eyes would light up like he'd seen his best friend. This nanny doesnt really seem to want to play with him if she can help it.

Would you give it more time (a few weeks?) or find somoene else ASAP?

[nextcommercial]

I think I would give it a few weeks. If she had already bonded with your son in just a few days, I'd be concerned about that. It takes a while to form a relationship.

[amma_mama]

It would not hurt to keep looking around, to have a backup in case this one does not work out. You need to go with your gut on this. In the meantime, it must be comforting to have your DH there to check in regularly.

It may be that she just needs a bit of time to get comfortable, as the first weeks can be stressful and awkward.

[CrazyCatLady]

I would give it some time, though I suppose looking for a back up just in case couldn't hurt. I do babysitting and childcare, and taking care of kids when their parents are around can make things a lot more awkward and uncomfortable for me.

[texmati]

thanks you guys. I came home today, DS hadn't napped at all. He really does need to be rocked to sleep, but apparently she keeps laying him down and is suprised when he wakes up.

I did have a chat with her about how he likes to be put down for a nap this morning. She mentioned that she had never had a kid this age that needed to be rocked? She just texted asking to be paid earlier this week (we normally do fridays).

I"m just so frustrated, hormonal and exhausted. Today was an awful day at work. HR is telling me that I might not get FMLA for the new baby, since they are so close together, and my boss is getting irritated with my Dr's appointments, and I got a less than stellar mid-year review. My son has been crying all evening since he hasn't slept, and we are looking at another sleepless night.

Maybe it's just that stage in pregnancy, but I'm about ready to walk out of my job. I'm so, so very tired.

[peainthepod]

I think you should listen to your gut no matter what happens. Something is setting off alarms about this person, and you shouldn't ignore it no matter how illogical it seems. Read Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker for more reasons why you should never, ever, ever ignore your initial instincts about a person even if it seems crazy or irrational.

[One_Girl]

I suggest looking for another sitter, especially with a second baby on the way if you want him to continue to be rocked to sleep. Some of this is probably what goes on at the begining of a relationship with a new child, but some the rocking to sleep and having him be more independent than he has been in the past with his play sounds more like a difference in how kids should be cared for. On the other hand, if he is laying down without crying but just wakes up frequently she may be able to get him to a point where he will just lay down to sleep and stay asleep for a long period of time and that may be nice for when you have another baby. I am not sure how people do it with more than one though so I wouldn't know. If he is not doing a lot of crying then I think you should let them build the relationship, unless the rocking and sleep becomes a deal breaker. If she doesn't warm up very quickly though then I think you should find someone else. If that does happen be sure to be very upfront about what you will expect with regards to sleep and play. I would suggest putting less emphasis on the cleaning (which many sahm's don't even do) and more on the relationship and the babies being happy.

[BeautyforAshes]

Always, always trust your instincts--even when you're exhausted. Hang in there--

[Adaline'sMama]

s you sound so tired. Id look for a new nanny. If you dont think this is the right girl, its not. Its really strange that she would have never known a 1yo to need to be rocked.

[lolar2]

I'd look for someone new.

[CrazyCatLady]

Yeah not knowing about rocking a one year old is really weird. Maybe it is time to find someone else. This shouldn't be causing you so much stress, she's supposed to be making things easier. And not every nanny is for every family. There are a lot of mainstream families who wont hire me for example because I refuse to do any kind of sleep training. It sounds like this may be a difference in child raising beliefs and not just her being new and warming up to the situation.

I hope things get better/less stressful for you soon.

[Super~Single~Mama]

About the not rocking a 1yo - has she only worked for pretty mainstream parents before? Kids who have CIO for naps and such? Maybe you could talk to her about that, or ask her to read some stuff about how you parent.

I agree though that you should start looking, and maybe talk to her about how you parent, and how and why its different than the way others parent (in a way thats not disrespectful of the way others parent of course) to make it as easy as possible until you find someone new.

[mooshersmama]

Originally Posted by texmati

thanks you guys. I came home today, DS hadn't napped at all. He really does need to be rocked to sleep, but apparently she keeps laying him down and is suprised when he wakes up.

I did have a chat with her about how he likes to be put down for a nap this morning. She mentioned that she had never had a kid this age that needed to be rocked? She just texted asking to be paid earlier this week (we normally do fridays).

I"m just so frustrated, hormonal and exhausted. Today was an awful day at work. HR is telling me that I might not get FMLA for the new baby, since they are so close together, and my boss is getting irritated with my Dr's appointments, and I got a less than stellar mid-year review. My son has been crying all evening since he hasn't slept, and we are looking at another sleepless night.

Maybe it's just that stage in pregnancy, but I'm about ready to walk out of my job. I'm so, so very tired.

I couldn't read this and not offer hugs to you. I agree with what others have said, I think you should listen to your instincts and start looking for another nanny.

[MamitaM]

it sounds like she may be wanting to leave anyway. i could be wrong though. when i was a nanny and knew i wasn't happy and wanted to give notice or quit i'd ask to be paid early.

it doesn't sound like a good match to me if she isn't willing to rock the little one to sleep.

[texmati]

We've decided to wait out the rest of the week and re-evaluate.

I've been working since DS was 3.5 months old, and he's never batted an eye at my leaving. Today he tried to follow me out to garage. (no tears though, and maybe he thought I was going to the bathroom).

And I also get that it's difficult working with a parent around. My husband is all about do it now and efficiancy. For example this morning we were running a bit late, so I was still getting DS dressed when the sitter showed up. He asked her to wash the bottles (she didn't do them yesterday?) while we watched ds. When we came downstairs though, they weren't done (maybe about half an hour). This kind of thing makes my husband nutty, but I"m more easy going about it. At the same time, it's my husband who has to listen to DS screaming for a bottle because she's trying to wash them while he's awake/hungry.

I just don't know. I don't have any working mom friends IRL, so I"m not sure what is reasonable to expect in a sitter.

At the same time....we are just drowning. Our life is just not working. We are both exhausted all the time. It's worse than just exhaustion-- I know DH and I go to bed hungry some nights because we are too tired to cook, and don't even have time for take out, or by the time we sit down for the night it's 11pm and nothing is open. We both just had poor reviews at work, when last year we were at the tops (or at least middling) of our teams.

The new sitter was supposed to be the first step in a better life (she's supposed to be more expensive, more reliable, work more hours, and do more housework than old sitter), but it's just so disheartening when it's just not working out.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by MamitaM

it sounds like she may be wanting to leave anyway. i could be wrong though. when i was a nanny and knew i wasn't happy and wanted to give notice or quit i'd ask to be paid early.

it doesn't sound like a good match to me if she isn't willing to rock the little one to sleep.

I know, I"m worried about this as well. In fact, I was thinking of working from home today, but I have a feeling I'll be calling in sick on friday because she just won't show.

I talked to her this morning-- she seems willing to do the rocking, she just seems really confused by it.

In this area, it could be that she's only worked in mainstream 'babywise' circles before. I know that most of her experience has also been in multi-kid families (like 3, 4+ children). She may not have been required to give so much attention to the youngest of the bunch, yk?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by texmati

In this area, it could be that she's only worked in mainstream 'babywise' circles before. I know that most of her experience has also been in multi-kid families (like 3, 4+ children). She may not have been required to give so much attention to the youngest of the bunch, yk?

I could see this being a HUGE difference, since when I babysat big gangs of kids it was so different than just having one, especially when that 1 was a baby.

It was also tough switching gears a few times. The first baby I babysat was 3mo, and CIO at bedtime (I was 14, didn't know anybetter, don't flame me). Then the next family with a baby baby was a no-CIO, rock baby to bed, lay down with her, etc - it was a HUGE change! I even remember asking them if she cried before she fell asleep, and they just looked at me like I was an alien, LOL! I rocked her to sleep everytime I sat for her, but I wasn't mommy and so there was some crying occasionally (but I never put her down till she was asleep), but it was a BIG difference!

I would still start looking for someone else, and listen to your instincts (they're there for a reason!), and keep talking to her while she's still working for you.

[MamitaM]

Did she not have much experience with little babies before you? I have a lot of experience with little ones who need to be rocked to sleep or need more attention from me as a nanny. Maybe with the next nanny you can make up a little routine and print it out for her so she knows what to do and how to do things. Make sure she knows this and is ok with the ways you do things before you hire her. I normally ask for that when I start and tell the parents I'll follow it as best as baby will let me.

[Adaline'sMama]

Did she come to work today?

[texmati]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama

Did she come to work today?

Yeah she did! I guess, I'm just a bit jaded from old sitter. We are in a bit of a conflict over pay-- she was suprised that we took taxes out, but we really can't afford to pay her portion of taxes as well. We are stretching our budget already.

She also seems to think that she should be paid for coming early-- If we ask her to come at 10, and she comes at 9:55, I don't think I should be responsible for paying the extra 5 minutes. Or if she doesn't leave on time. (DH always comes down before 4 to chat about what he's eaten/diapers etc), but yesterday she was showing me pics of her dog for 10 minutes, making me late to my appt!

We did pay her what she wanted this week, but some how i don't think it's fair.