He's snapped (f/up to 'Divorce-Ontario)

[Ceinwen]

Long story short, I am freaking out madly here.

Finally got ahold of my ex. He's lost his mind (I honestly think he's had a pschotic break of some sort)

After two years of being friends and peacefully co-parenting, he is now accusing me of:

- ruining his life. he'd have everything if not for me
- having an agenda to take away his kids (even though we have joint custody and he can see them whenever he wants)
- knowing I was gay the whole time and only using him to get pregnant (over ten years? really??)
- that he would have went to university if it weren't for me (again - ?)
- that I encouraged him to take jobs out of town (he called and asked if I'd be supportive if he worked out of province for a year - I said yes)

Now he's saying wild things like "I'll get what's rightfully mine" and "You'll get what's coming to you" and "You robbed me of everything"

I asked him if he could hear how paranoid he sounded. I mean literally, we talk two or three times a week about the kids - joking, laughing at how silly they are, etc. And just wham!

I told him that he sounded really off to me, did he really think I was that kind of person, etc. - have I ever withheld the kids from him? His parents just had them for the whole weekend (on my weekend) so they could spend time with him. He said (and I quote) "You do these nice things because you feel guilty for what you've done".

Apparently 'people' he's told his story to say that I set him up, ruined his life, and have an agenda to cut him out of the kids' lives. He seriously, seriously looked like one of my sick, paranoid psych patients (I work in trauma/emerg).

So now he's saying he'll see me in court, etc. He's supposed to have the kids this weekend - I'm terrified to bring them over there. In ten years of ups/downs, arguments, I've never felt like I was at risk to leave my kids with him.

Having said that - if I'm looking at a court battle, withholding visitation is not a good idea right now, is it?

Any advice??? Could me filing for divorce just have been some final blow for him? If you've followed my past posts, he really has nothing. No friends, no family, no hobbies, etc. He's loney and very (apparently!!) angry and bitter.

Half my heart breaks for him, and half of me is having a heart attack because I've never, ever, ever seen this angry/bitter side of him (other comments such as 'You alwasy thought you were better than me" and "Your family always thought they were better than mine" and "I'm done with you controlling me" - are so random and left field, I don't even know how to begin to address this with him).

I'd like to cut off all contact and deal strictly through my lawyer - but how do I do that with an almost 8 and almost 3 year old?? We talk all the time about the kids, sharing info, etc. - can we really just stop talking??

Help. Advice. I'm freaking. First official freak out. This is crazy.

[Hollycrand]

I've BTDT....still going through all of that in fact.

You can cut off all contact, and only communicate via email, and out of strict necesssity to communicate about the kids (Suzie has a cold this week, etc.).

As for bringing the kids over to his place, if he has always been a kind and loving father, then most likely he will treat his kids as he always has. I mean, maybe he now feels as if they are all he has?

BUT, have your 8yo call you every day at a fixed time (or if he/she feels scared - maybe now is the time to buy she/he a cell phone....), or call your ex's parents and state your concerns about your ex and ask them if they can keep an eye on things. Maybe they aren't very happy with you, but most grandparents will want to protect their grandchildren.

[Momtwice]

"You'll get what's coming to you" would be grounds for a restraining order in my state.

[hillymum]

Had you given him any warning over the past month or so that you wanted to finally get a divorce? (Yea, seriously, the legal seperation wasn't enough warning lol) I wonder if he had settled into the comfort of knowing you were still attached to him and now he's going through the pain of knowing you actually want a divorce?

WARNING I know you realise what you did was wrong , but you must not, no matter how angry you are, threaten to restrict visitation!

if you really are getting too stressed about the current circumstances go to your doctor for something to help, or start meditating. Find some way to deal with that stress so you can deal with things calmly.

Oh, and record all conversations!

I hope once he settles down things improve between you and your ex. Sounds like you have had a really good relationship for the last 2 years.

[Ceinwen]

I knew threatening to restrict visitation would be a bad idea. I've recently taken up jogging as a stress outlet, because eating my face off wasn't working very well!

There hadn't really been any warning over the past little while that I was going to file for divorce. Other than (as you mentioned, lol) we've been separated for close to two years.

It's the really bitter, angry dragging up of past events that astounds me. If he was stomping around angry and hurt about this past year, etc. I could see that - I would even understand it.

But this sudden/random - "You've ruined my life and I have nothing now because of you", that astounds me. He even said (verbatim), "You stole the best years of my life" and "All I have left are my kids. I've been warned to protect my interests here".

Um - yikes? I have a feeling he's on a forum somewhere, or he's met someone online and that's what's fueling part of this. It is so not his personality to be this combative - again, all this "I'll get what's rightfully mine"? talk - I asked him what exactly it is he wants... he couldn't say.

I put a call in to my lawyer. Obviously we are not going to play nice here - and that's fine. At least I've been warned.

[PoppyMama]

If he's normally someone you work well with and you want to get back that relationship I would treat this like a breakdown. He's defensive, panicking and lashing out so do what you need to protect yourself and treat him with detached sympathy...maybe like a psych patient. If he's being demanding ask him to put in writing what he wants. If he doesn't know tell him to think about it and get back to you. If he lashes out say that you're sorry he feels that way and it's not what you intended but don't continue with him. If this is the long haul of things you'll need to cut contact to email and do all the other stuff but maybe it's just a momentary break. Maybe he talked to someone going through a bitter divorce or something and is feeling justified in all his self pity.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I was served papers without warning (for custody) and it FREAKED ME OUT - I was on my way to meet with a lawyer, and I was crying. It was TERRIBLE.

Is there a current court order detailing who has kids when/how long/etc? Cause if there is, no one is going to advise him to dis-obey a court order - that would be stupid. So, I wouldn't worry about it.

Keep your head. I kept cool during the entire custody battle that I went through (at least to his face - inside I was TERRIFIED of what would happen). Act as you always have. Tell him funny things about the kids, keep exchanging pictures (I think you said you did that in a post you put up ages ago), just keep doing it. If the kids have an emergency, inform him immediately (I know you already know to do this), dr's appointments inform him, tell him about school projects, feild trips, check in with him about the stuff you always check in about - or even more, if you handle most things start checking in about stuff.

If you keep your head and keep including him in everything, he'll calm down. You can even explain that you're sorry you didn't inform him that you were filing for divorce, that you thought he would be expecting it since x amount of time has passed. Vent to everyone BUT him, and not to people that talk to him.

You'll get through it.

[chaoticzenmom]

It sounds a lot like he may be on something or dealing with a mental illness. My brother does that to his girlfriend when he's drunk, but he takes other stuff too and has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar. Those are almost the exact same things he says to her. He calls her and acts nice and normal, then wham, out of nowhere he gets angry and paranoid

Their custody agreement states that he cannot drink when he has their child.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

He's defensive, panicking and lashing out so do what you need to protect yourself and treat him with detached sympathy...maybe like a psych patient. If he's being demanding ask him to put in writing what he wants. If he doesn't know tell him to think about it and get back to you. If he lashes out say that you're sorry he feels that way and it's not what you intended but don't continue with him. If this is the long haul of things you'll need to cut contact to email and do all the other stuff but maybe it's just a momentary break.

I really like this advice. It would really suck to throw away two solid years of amicable coparenting, BUT if he's going to be on the offensive on a regular basis, then it stands to reason that you'll simply have to treat him very coldly, communicate through email alone and cut all other contact. You could even advise him of this through an official letter drafted by your lawyer,indicating that you are saddened to see the demise of a once-productive coparenting relationship and would like to continue on with it, in the interest of the children, should he begin to cooperate once more.

[provocativa]

one of my relatives just had a psychotic break, and is now bipolar. . . you really need to get a good look at his pupils and see if they are dialated, check if he seems agitated otherwise (flushed, elevated respiration) i guess you know all this if you're a nurse. psychosocial stress can bring about the psychotic break (i always think nutritional failure, too, my relative is intolerant to wheat like our whole family but won't quit eating it). i assume you talked to your lawyer today. i would record the rants, record his state at drop-off. here you can call the police to do a 'welfare check' and make sure he's stable, esp. if you are concerned about the welfare of your kids in his care. that ranting could be ramping up to the actual psychotic break.

[LoveOhm]

He could just be freaking out and took it out on you. Based on what you said, he is scarred of being completely alone and people who he talks to of course will have an opinion that could make him even more fearful and thus bitter.

I hope your ex was just venting and that you all can work together. From personal experience, I know both acceptance and healing are about the process and all the steps along the way are not always pretty.

When I was at a breaking point with my ex, my normally calm self put all the facts (as I saw them) out there in an email response to a email from him.. That email he sent that day was not the worst of his actions but I was just done and he caught me on the wrong day....

You are not the problem and you do deserve to be treated respectfully.... but in family relationships, friendships, etc. sometimes we lash out at the ones we love most. It does not make it okay but I would note this incident and assume/hope it will be a one time thing. If I did anything in that situation it would be to casually mention to ex that I respected his feelings but if he would like to continue a healthy parenting partnership that we both need to be considerate of how and what we say going forward.

Good luck mama!

[Ceinwen]

Why are you guys always right?

He called to apologize. Long story short, he's afraid that he's going to be cut out of the girls' lives. The rest of the personal stuff he brought up from our marriage we agreed not to talk about, because there's not way to resolve how we both feel about ten years of marriage, kwim?

As for the kids though, I think I finally got through to him that there's no secret agenda here. No one is looking to cut him out, and I'm certainly not planning on undermining his relationship with them. My dad and I are best of friends, and I only hope they can have that with him!

I did put the ball back in his court though. Told him if he wanted to see the kids more, it was under his initiative. I'm not chasing him to see them. I offered to help facilitate getting together, i.e. if he wants to take them for dinner one night a week, I'll drive one way, etc. (right now he sees them every other weekend).

He admitted that he flew off the handle, and just suddenly felt backed into a corner by my filing for divorce. I told him that it was time, I was ready and I was sorry that it felt sprung upon him. So, that was all good. I also think that we need better boundaries. He and I are not going to be good friends (due to all the obvious bitterness on his end) and we need to establish that.

That was one sticky part. I said I didn't think we should be on each others facebooks anymore, and that we really needed to keep our conversations about the kids. He likes to use me as a sounding board for work, his extracurriculars (he volunteers), and I think that needs to come to an end. It leaves us to entangled.

So, we're moving forward from here. I still filed, and adjusted what I wanted. We'll see how it goes. I so, so, so appreciate all the commiseration and advice. It really threw me how absolutely freaked out he was. I'm not saying this is all water under the bridge, and I certainly document everything (missed visitations, etc.) - but I'm hoping this might be a new start.

One that doesn't end up with us in court!