How do I learn to be independant birther?

[lexapurple]

With my first DD I had a very long labor at home with emotionally absent MW who believed in women just "knowing" what to do in labor and saw her role just as an observer and interfered and communicated with me only if it was related to labor itself even at times when she was not busy with her immediate tasks and was "being" with me. I hoped that my DH would be my main coach and he did everything he could but he is not touchy- feel kind of guy. During labor I found out that I did not need that much "physical" help but I really-really needed emotional support to keep me calm, he could not provide this. I needed somebody to hold my hand, stroke my hair and look me in the eyes. I got this only from assistant MW and a doula and it was not continious because my labor was so long all four people present had to take turns for naps and being with me. I could not communicate ether that exactly I needed and felt lost during times when my MW and DH had their turns with me.
I am pregnant again and even thought I am only 13 wks and don't have a confirmation of that, I am starting to think about upcoming birth. One of the things I dread is to have a long labor like last time. It wasn't that painful but I was completely exhousted by the end and slept between pushing urges.
I believe that part of the reason why it took so long was the fact that I was uncomfortable with my support team, their lack of support to be exact.
Now I know that I can and can not rely on my DH for. And it is a problem.
We now live in Germany and found a wonderful birthing center to go to. Their MWs would come out for HB as well if I decide to stay home. At the time of birth there would be one MW attending and one on call. They do not have doulas and they can not recommend one as there are non around but expect me to bring a support person. My step-mom was planing to come from states and help me after the baby is born and I asked her if she could come a bit earlier and be my support person. I know she would be good at it. I talked to her today and while she did not say she did not want to do it, she said that she is afraid she might get scared but she will read and watch videos just in case. Basically I got a vibe that she might be uncomfortable. I have no friends here ether.
So at the end I might have to face birthing without others support and I am not sure how I can prepare myself to rely on myself.
Please help.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Hugs, mama! I am sorry you're facing this. I know exactly what you mean. My mw was fine and I don't feel she was absent at all but I did need to hear good news during the labor. I wanted her to say I was "getting close" and "that's a good sign" just to keep my emotions uplifted.

I think it is very probable that your labor didn't go a bit quicker because of that barrier. I would just get the word out. Find a mother's group, LLLI meeting, ask at hospitals to find a support person.

Or

Do you think if you completely spelled it out for your dh he might get it? By telling him throughout the whole pregnancy exactly what you need and expect, maybe he would know you mean it?

Good luck to you!

[nadia105]

My first reaction is that it might be easier/less stressful to find a good support person than to try to train yourself to be an independent birther. You have plenty of time to assemble your birth team and explain what it is you need from them.

I'm not sure you can change your needs in labor, but being very clear with your Dh about what you need beforehand might help. Even if he can't give it to you, he can help communicate to the birth attendants for you. At least then they can ask you if you need x or y to give you a way of communicating wihtout having to make the attempt -- I know I found that very difficult in a couple fo my labors.