creating a "yes" environment with an older sibling

[sarahr]

With my dd, I did a good job of creating a "yes" environment -- we babyproofed, removed things we didn't want her to touch, and only said no if there was a health/safety issue. I want to do the same with DS, but dd makes that very hard, and I'd love some suggestions.

First, we have dd's stuff all over the place, including things that are too small for ds. DS isn't yet mobile, so I can do a decent job keeping him away from that, and plan to gate it away when he is mobile (although dd will HATE being away from us, even if she can see us).

The bigger problem is the games that dd creates, with very specific rules. For example, she likes to play with these big block beads (a perfect size for ds to play with!), but she assigns which one each of us can play with. I have no problem not letting ds play with what dd is playing with, but ds doesn't understand why *I* won't share with him, and dd has a fit if I do. And of course, I don't really want/need one at all!

So, how do I respect dd's need to play her games together with ds's need to explore?

[carmel23]

I think you will have to allow your older child to discover what she can and cannot do with the younger one, and she will understand. As baby become mobile, she'll see what babies get and what they don't get. But trying to control someone else doesn't work, and trying to control the relationship between your two kids only goes so far. yk?

[beebalmmama]

As far as ds 1's toys. They are up in his room if they present a safety hazard (legos etc). Occasionally we will let him bring them down and play at the kitchen table if he's very careful. He doesn't play with these toys as much because they are in his room. Which is why we have the kitchen table allowance.

Otherwise I have a shelf on our toy shelves that has his stuff in it. It is a higher shelf that ds 2 cannot reach and so he can't touch ds 1's "stuff". I try to honor ds 1's ownership when he is at school. Otherwise if ds 1 has his toys out on the floor then I see it as his responsibility to either share with his brother or carefully and nicely keep it away. This has been a headache, but I think it comes down to helping the older sibling learn that they aren't the only child anymore. It's a tough lesson.....I know.

I think it is inevitible that the older sibling learn to share or either play with their specific toy in their room.

[sarahr]

So when we're all sitting together and DD parcels out toys and DS reaches for mine, should I make him happy by giving it to him or DD happy by not giving it to him?

[wombatclay]

When playing in a group I'd probably set ground rules at the very beginning of the game that would allow for a certain "flexibility". So if your dd wants to play the "specific person/specific bead" game when your ds is elsewhere... perfect! But if your ds will be on your lap then perhaps ask your dd to work with you to come up with a game that you can all play.

It's a bit "gushy" I know, but when I frame things in a "your younger sib can't do XYZ and they would really really like to play with you! You're so good at creating games, can you create a game that we can all play together?" way it usually works. And if my own older kiddos say "no, no way to change the rules" I'll tell them that we can't play that game until the younger one is asleep/napping/otherwise engaged.