Boys: roughhousing vs. too rough?

[frogautumn]

I need some perspective here--as a female only child who never went to preschool, this is out of my frame of reference.

DS is 3 1/2 and just started nursery. He definitely takes his time warming up in social situations, but he seems to really enjoy being there. He's not really a rough-and-tumble kind of boy, iykwim.

There's a kid in his class who's also 3 1/2. They seem to play together the most. At first I thought it was wonderful that he had a buddy, but now I'm having some concerns.

This weekend, at a school function, we saw the kid shove DS hard enough to knock him down twice. The first time, we gauged DS's reaction...he didn't shove back, but he wasn't upset by it either, so we chalked it up to rough play. The second time, DS said, "Stop that, [kid]!" and the kid's mother whisked him away.

Yesterday, while DS was in the bath, I saw that he had a round bruise on his shoulder (no visible teeth marks, but a perfectly round bruise). I asked what happened and he said his friend bit him. I asked him if he did anything about it and he said he told the kid to stop. I asked him if he was upset by it and he said no, they were just playing. I told him that we must always be gentle with our friends and that it was good that he told the kid to stop if he was doing something he didn't like. I also told him that he can always go to his teacher, because she's there to help.

I then emailed the teacher about it and she called me immediately. She said that she didn't notice anything going on between them (especially if DS didn't call attention to it), but that she would be aware. She explained the procedure on how they handle stuff like this and it all seemed satisfactory to me.

On the one hand, I don't want to make a big deal and overreact--especially if DS is not upset. I know that this age is all about figuring out social rules on all sides. But I also don't want to send the message that it's OK for friends to shove and bite.

So help me out...where's the line between kid stuff and problem behavior??

[bonamarq]

It seems to me that you are handling this well - watchful and aware (and involving the teacher so she too is aware)

Is it a problem? I'd say it's too soon to tell and to just continue to observe and coach your son as needed - and follow his lead - he really seems fine with it - 3.5 is still really young - the bite may have just been out of excitement and not meant to be intentionally aggressive

It's a good opportunity for your son to learn to set these kinds of boundaries - and good for the other child to learn as well - that's what pre-school is all about

[One_Girl]

I would be concerned that he didn't know that friends, even at this age, don't act like this and that he didn't realize he could go to the teacher for help if his friend bit him hard enough to leave a bruise. I haven't seen rough housing to that degree not being broken up even in the preschools where the teachers rarely interacts with the kids because they are too busy chatting with co-workers, so I would be concerned if the teacher hasn't picked up on anything and doesn't notice that level of rough housing. If things get better quickly then I don't think there is cause for concern, if they don't then I would suggest getting the director involved.

[pregnant@40]

I think that both you & your son are handling this situation really well! You both seemed to do the right things. As for the other kid, the mom's aware, the teacher is aware, and eventually the child will learn to modify his behavior as he matures. He's awfully young right now & obviously has a different temperament than your own son, but he's within the range of normal.

[LoveMyTwoBoys]

I have a 3 yo and he bites his brother out of play once & a while. Most of the time he is a tiger or something of the sorts and it isn't a mean gesture are all.

I agree that you are both handling it well. Involving the teacher, who didn't know it was a problem because your little guy was ok with the playing, is a good idea. I hope that the other little boy and your boy continue to be good friends and work through the little stuff.

[nextcommercial]

I teach preschool. Boys roughhouse.. but, they usually "discuss" it first. "Wanna wrestle?" then, they drop to the mat and wrestle. Or out in the yard, they will kind of grab hold of each other and pull and swing each other til one falls down.

Sometimes someone cries.

Girls tend to play differently. They like to spin and twirl til they fall down or get sick. Sounds fun, huh?

Not only would I never tolerate one child pushing another child, even if it was provoked, it wouldn't be allowed. I may not see everything, but I always know the basics of what is going on.

Honestly, if he will just walk up and knock your son over in front of you TWICE, then he probably bit your son too. That's not rough play. That's out right aggression. I would definitely ask the teachers to keep an extra eye out for this, or even try to separate them as much as possible. I know your son likes this boy, and I'm not suggesting they never play together, but maybe they can do different centers at different times. Perhaps when your son is at the playdough table, the teachers can manipulate things so your son spends more time with another kid?

Keep in mind, your son may be getting the worst end of the aggression, but he might be having a blast! So, if he's not bothered by it, then don't worry too much. But, make sure he's completely ok with it and having fun.