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I need help controlling anger - Page 2

post #21 of 23
Originally Posted by FatAphrodite View Post
I would add that I hear alot of guilt over big feelings.

Often a huge temper is a sign that you are trying to hard to control those big feelings, rather than expressing them appropriately.

When I was first switching to gentle parenting I would have these moments of just mind-blowing fury. I was trying so hard to do things "right" and always be sweet and lovey...it isn't natural.

The kids would just keep pushing and I would EXPLODE. I started trying to at least make my meltdowns less scary, and would yell things like" I'M SO MAD THAT THE TOYS ARE EVERYWHERE!" or whatever.

I always felt awful after for losing my temper. Then one day my dd had a meltdown, and instead of the usual throwing and hitting and nasty words, she stood in place and yelled "I'M SO MAD YOU WON'T LET ME XYZ!" It was the most mature expression of anger and frustration I had ever heard from a 5 yr old. And I realized that it is important for our kids to see our anger and frustration, appropriately expressed, so they can learn to express theirs!
I wish you had posted this a week earlier! I could have used some reinforcement last week with this very same situation...

I'm so glad to see this thread, b/c I really needed to see that I'm not the only one with anger like this. I just want to stop expressing it the way I've been taught (yelling, etc.). I remember when I was growing up, I'd see other families and my friends in college express their anger with silence, or calm, and I couldn't understand it. I never trusted anyone who could just say to me in a neutral tone, "I'm so angry about xyz. I'm very upset." Um, really? B/c you sound like you're talking about the weather.... It seemed disingenuous. But now I get it. You don't have to yell to be angry. (And I was raised that not only do you yell when angry, you don't have to be angry to yell, either!)
post #22 of 23
Originally Posted by seventy View Post
check out this thread from the personal growth forum

Parenting and Rage

I found it suuuperrr helpful! There's some really good practical advice in there.. it's long but worth the read...

best wishes.
Thanks for this link. I just started reading that thread and was nearly in tears over the OP. Then I realized it was written on the day my children were born. Wow.
post #23 of 23

haha i love this!! i was totally the spirited child and my mom def gave me a lot of practice saying no  fwiw my dad was a similar parent and i have the explosive anger sometimes too. it is soo hard. i found was helped me was to take poster board and write out GD tips, like pp you could put down in big letters "my kids are just trying to grow and learn, i have to be gentle and lead them"

i have a few other good books that i pull from because honestly unless i am reading the books every day i forget all the good stuff/tools that i learn from them.

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post

What I read in your post is that you don't have a lot of tools yet. You'll have to go looking and start seeing your child differently. Your child isn't "getting away with anything." She's doing exactly what she's supposed to be doing. That's the hard part to start to realize.

When I get angry, I remind myself that being angry is a very self-righteous feeling. I'm assuming that I have the right to be angry about the behavior of others. My kids are just trying to grow and learn and that's it. I have to be gentle and lead them.

Some stuff that helped the "unconditional Parenting" video by Alfie Kohn. Or read anything by Alfie Kohn. I read "How to talk so kids can Listen and that was a huge help." Lots of articles and now, having 4 children, I know what to expect and when to expect it, so there aren't that many surprises.

Even now, I'm not perfect and I do yell or show anger...mostly when they fight with each other or cross my personal boundaries, but it's so much better now that I've found some good tools.

Here's a good article for starters...apparently by one of our MDC moms.

My thinking is that if you want your children to learn to say "no" you have to let them practice with you. If they can't say "no" to peers, it's because they've not been taught that it's ok to say "no." You don't want your "yes" children to grow up to be "yes" teens and then "yes" adults. It's sometimes difficult to let them assert themselves and assert their will, but it's good for them in the long-run.

Think of your oldest child as the one least likely to give into peer pressure and put up with a nasty boss or an abusive partner or manipulative friends. She's got "character." There's nothing wrong with letting her "get away" with something while you re-assess the situation. Were you wrong to request what you did? Is there another way to get the thing done and preserve her/and your integrity? Can you ask her for her ideas on how to get this thing done? Can you look at her as a real person, not this little child who knows how to push your buttons and must not think she can run the house?
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