How to put a stop to them picking at each other NOW

[JustVanessa]

My ds's father and I split up when he was 14 months old, and I started dating dh shortly after. Ds does not remember a time that he did not live with me and dh. His father is still involved and ds1 and him have a great relationship. There is no fighting between ex and I, we co-parent quite well on the whole.

Dh and ds constantly are at each other and it drives me nuts. I am scared that as ds gets older, it will drive him away. Dh reminds him about the same kind of behaviors that I do. ex, sitting at the table properly, attitiude, etc but ds1 gives him major attitude, which then drives dh off the deep end.
Sometimes I intervene, but I try not to do it in front of ds. I want ds to see us as a united front.

I think the biggest problem is that ds is alot like me and his father, total computer geek, loves games, very social.
Dh is VERY outdoorsy, he simply cannot understand that Byron would prefer to read or play a computer game. My dh is always outside hangin in the yard, hiking through the bush, fishing etc.

I thought that ds1 starting hockey would be something that would bring them together but it hasn't so far, even though it has given them some common ground for talking about.

so what do I do!!!!

[Magpie30]

My teenaged DS and my DH (his step dad) butt heads. A lot. In our case, I think it is my sons nature to have conflict with male authority figures (ok, with most authority figures, lol, but gosh he's a great kid!) I don't really have an answer for you. I guess I am just letting you know that you aren't the only one. I just try to remind them not to push and pick at each other. Sorry that I am not much help!

[Nicole77]

Some of the wisest parenting advice I have ever been given is to just love and accept the child I have been given. We can guide our children into being their best possible selves of course, but we cannot change their nature and who they are, even when they are not the children of our imagination.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by Nicole77

Some of the wisest parenting advice I have ever been given is to just love and accept the child I have been given. We can guide our children into being their best possible selves of course, but we cannot change their nature and who they are, even when they are not the children of our imagination.

This is a really lovely way to approach parenting. We have a family rule about treating each other with respect. So it's ok to feel annoyed or angry but not ok to take it out on someone. If DD was talking rudely, I guess your "having attitude", we would let her know it sounded rude and could hurt our feelings but we wouldn't be rude back. The idea is to model the behavior we want our DD to have, so when she's rude we reply in a calm manner so she can learn more appropriate ways to talk to people. At 5 it's still really helpful not to take annoying behavior personally because kids that young are still figuring out how to treat people appropriately and still gaining the impulse control they need to do it.

[Petie1104]

Honestly, it wouldn't hurt for you to intervene, but not in the idea that you are taking sides. More like, "Excuse me but (insert whatever he calls your husband) has told you to stop doing that. You need to listen to him and do as you are told". This actually causes it to be more enforced that you are not undermining your dh but supporting what he has just said. I know with my stepson, we had to have quite a few times of dh supporting what I just told dss to do before dss figured out that it didn't matter that I wasn't his bio-mom that my authority was going to be supported by his father so ignoring me or arguing with me became futile as he knew his father would back me up.