Do you punish?

[DevaMajka]

I'm just curious how many people on MDC and the GD board use punishment and how many don't.

I know there will be overlap in the answers, but pick the one that fits best, unless none of them fit at all. Oh, and don't answer based on slipups (if you are sorry and vow to do better next time, etc). Answer based on how you usually discipline.
I think we all sometimes yell (and maybe even spout a threat or punish in some way) and feel bad about it afterwards and wish we hadn't. That just means we are humans and have some work to do before we're perfect

eta- I maybe should have added something about rewards.

[SpottedFoxx]

What do you mean by punish?

Do I strike my child? No.
Do I humiliate my child? No.
Do I offer consequences for actions (both good and bad)? Absolutely.

[treeoflife3]

I use natural and logical consequences. Sometimes I slip up and yell, but I blame that on being the only parent here 24/7 with no breaks or help thanks to the lady named Army I try to give her lots of extra love when I do slip up though.

[oaktreemama]

I am non punitive though I might, if I were less than the perfect Mother I am, yell sometimes. And then I would be really sorry-IF I wasn't perfect.

[AAK]

I chose logical/related consequences, but to be honest I don't think of that as punishment. If I leave my library book in the yard and it gets wet, I am required to pay for it. Not as a "punishment" but simply to "make it right". That is how I think of my "consequences". They are there to "make it right" not to punish. If there isn't an appropriate or natural consequence. . . then we talk about what happened etc. A lot of times (with my older kids) I am able to identify the concern and they are able to take it upon themselves to "make it right".

At the same time, certain things come (as privledges) with responsibility. For example: my dd wants a cell phone. She does NOT need a cell phone. She is demonstrating responsibility first (through a prearranged agreement with me) to earn this. Once she does, she can LOSE the phone--it is outlined in the agreement. So, this example may illustrate punishment. However, I think of it as creating a situation for her to excel in. She knows beforehand what is expected of her to earn and maintain the priv. of having a cell phone. She is doing her part, and I will also do mine. I expect her to hold up to her end of the bargain throughout. If she doesn't, I will take the phone for a period of time--since we came up with this before hand (at her suggestion) I will consider it a related consequence if it happens. But, I could see how some would say it is punishment.

Amy

[MusicianDad]

Mostly non-punitive, but occasionally we use natural/logical consequences. It's only for extreme circumstances where the actual natural consequence is too much....

[DevaMajka]

Oh, I'm not necessarily saying that logical consequences = punishment. That, to me, is just somewhere in the middle on the scale of punishment and non-punitive.

[momtoS]

I have tried MANY different things. My three year old defiant like nothing else. She wrecks stuff, makes huge messes, is mean to her sister, SCREAMS all the time.

I am pregnant and have no patience for it.

She is a loud, messy three year old.

NOTHING WORKS WITH HER AND MOST DAYS I JUST GIVE UP. I am hoping that eventually I find something that is helpful. I wish I could enjoy my time with her more....but it seems that her mission is to make every event MISERABLE.

[journeymom]

MomtoS, many hugs to you.

[karanyavel]

We don't do much punishment, but then, our child is pretty well-behaved. If she makes a mess, she has to clean it up before she does anything else, but that's just part of her responsibilities as a family member and she may need to be reminded but she does it without complaint.

Otherwise, I use logical consequences when possible, but sometimes I don't have any that aren't extreme. For example, if she's being a pain in the rear during the time we're homeschooling, refuses to do her assigned work, etc., the only logical consequence I can think of would be to put her into public school which would be extreme, IMO. Luckily this is rare (less than once a month) but in cases like this, we use what is by far the most effective consequence: cut her off computer games and videos for the rest of the night!

--K

[MissRubyandKen]

I'm mostly non-punitive, but I have chosen to use non-related punishments at times. I have also slipped up and dealt out non-related punishments that were revoked a few times as well. I also am fine with natural consequences happening sometimes and I do impose logical consequences sometimes too.

[pregnant@40]

I think "time-outs" can be related. I see these as taking breathers, stopping intense conflict, allowing time to reflect and start over. Taking a time-out is not a punishment & doesn't mean that a kid has to remove him/herself and sit in a special chair, it's a momentary suspension of time.

If there is conflict:
Usually I try to talk things through w/ my kid, and identify feelings. I use a lot of reflection: "I can see that you're feeling frustrated right now", or "it must be frustrating to feel like you want X, but I'm saying no", or "I can tell that you feel very angry". I also identify my own feelings. I think it's important to give kids the words for how they are feeling, especially through the 3's and 4's, for eventually they will learn to present these feelings (instead of tantrums) when they are indeed feeling frustrated or angry. It's a necessary skill in conflict resolution. And then, "how can we solve this problem?" Sometimes we come to a compromise of sorts, but other times he has to work around the rule I've created (since I'm the grown-up).

If he has violated a rule:
We usually just take that thing away, if a thing is involved, or prohibit the activity for a while. I do state that I feel disappointed that he made that choice (whatever the choice is), and that it's a matter of trust. But I don't lay on the shame, withhold love, or add on extra punishments.

If he tantrums, screams, hits:
I tell him (usually a few times), "this is not appropriate behavior". I may say something like, "I'm going to go into the kitchen for a while and work on dinner until we can discuss this. Just let me know when you're done with this tantrum (or done screaming, whatever)". This stops the behavior almost immediately, for it doesn't feed into it or give him any power.

Unless his behavior is harmful to himself or another person, I try to stay very gentle, understand that he's only a little kid & learning all the time, and give him the benefit of the doubt. I may just say, "You broke a rule and I'm curious why you did that", and it opens up communication & allows me to see into his thinking processes -- sometimes he innocently/unintentionally has done something. If he admits it was intentional or he doesn't know why he did it, I'll just simply state, "well, that behavior is not OK and I don't want you to do it anymore". And we move on.

[mama2cal&darby]

There seems to be a real range in opinion as to what constitutes punishment.

[GardenStream]

Originally Posted by pregnant@40

I think "time-outs" can be related. I see these as taking breathers, stopping intense conflict, allowing time to reflect and start over. Taking a time-out is not a punishment & doesn't mean that a kid has to remove him/herself and sit in a special chair, it's a momentary suspension of time.

This

My boys are 2 and 4. Our only daily struggles have to deal with hitting, kicking, tackling and biting. Time outs are our natural consequence. When they hit they are not allowed to be around others, they have to leave the action. A couple minutes to calm down and collect themselves helps to keep the violence down.

[Arianwen]

For serious infractions (disappearing in the neighbourhood, stuff like that) my 7 year old step-son receives a grounding. If he is whiney/bratty during the grounding, he may get an extra day tacked on. His bio-mom observes the grounding when he's at her house, too, which is awesome.

That said, I feel that my DH is too lenient with the grounding, he lets his son play Wii games in the living room. I come from the old school "grounding means in your room, no games/puter/you have to do chores/other unfun things."

[earthmama369]

We use logical and natural consequences most of the time. We also do "chill out time," either with us or alone, but that's generally a natural consequence to something, when it becomes clear that a reset or a breather is needed.

[mizzoh]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

We use logical and natural consequences most of the time. We also do "chill out time," either with us or alone, but that's generally a natural consequence to something, when it becomes clear that a reset or a breather is needed.

same here

[JamieCatheryn]

Time-outs to calm down when he's misbehaving because he's worked up about stuff. Groundings when he's shown he can't be responsible with the privilege involved so we need to take it out of the equation.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by mama2cal&darby

There seems to be a real range in opinion as to what constitutes punishment.

yeah

[ssh]

Your only "I do not punish" had slipups included so I put other. We do not use punishments at all. The types of slipups we have are usually when an adult breaks our "treat people with respect" family rule by shouting or acting grumpy. When we have slipups we apologize. We have family rules, say no to stuff sometimes, and suggest that some choices are better ideas than others, but we do not impose a consequence as a penalty for an annoying behavior. We've always had a "you have to play safe/nice if you want to play" rule so when DD was younger, we left if she was pushing or throwing stuff or we picked her up if she wasn't staying close enough. I don't think enforcing family rules is punishment, using a consequence as a penalty of some kind is. We don't use natural consequences either. We often talk about possible consequences before they can happen though. Sort of "If you do x then y or z could happen. So doing x might be a bad idea.".

With teens I can see how grounding would be easier to use than our talk everything through methods. Though you could easily take away driving privileges for staying out too late and it still be part of a "you have to use things safely if you want to use them" rule. I hope that DD will be able to make good choices by the time she's a teen ........I guess that's one of our main parenting goals, that DD will learn how to make good choices.