Did I handle this situation okay?4 y/o stealing!

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

So we were having the air ducts cleaned and the basement sprayed for mold today, and I wanted out of the house so dh stayed home and ds and I went out for lunch, the park and then to target to look around and dh had given him some money to spend for a toy. Well Ds was really well behaved, everywhere until target, we spent 20 minutes looking at toys and he finally picked one out, then we proceeded to go to the grocery section, i wanted to look and needed to pick up a few items, well we were in the candy aisle and ds grabbed one of those big chocolate bars, ripped it open, so i told him to stop and started toward him and he took the bar and ran all the way down the main aisle. It took me a minute to find him, I yelling for him and him just running and a worker had to help me find him. But the time I found him he had opened the foil and started eating the chocolate. So I first took his toy and left it told him that he couldn't have it now because he did that with the chocolate and then he started crying in the main aisle. So after a couple minutes I pick him up and have to carry him, (he is 4 and over 50lbs and I am pregnant) I leave all my other shopping and buy the chocolate and the few things in my cart and we check out and leave and in the car I scolded him about it, that it is stealing and that he could not have the rest of the bar. I gave it to dh when we got home and sent ds to his room for 30 minutes, he is to not watch and tv or play any games for the rest of the night.

I was pretty upset about him doing this, did i handle okay, how can i prevent this from happening again?

TIA

[Arianwen]

I'm not an expert, but I think you handled it well. If he pulls a stunt like that again, drag him to the store manager and make him apologize for stealing to the manager. I 5 finger discounted a pack of gum or something when I was a few years older than your DS and my mom made me apologize for doing it, dragged me through the store (Safeway) and I was so so so ashamed and embarrassed, I STILL remember it!

Maybe sometimes if your DH is home, you could get the chance to go out by yourself for a bit, ie: for a breather? My DSS is can be...annoying...in stores. It's a nice change to have Adult time without kid/kids around.

[mama2cal&darby]

I can't say whether you handled the situation properly, I can only say how I (think) I would handle a similar situation.

First of all, I think 4 is pretty young to truly understand the concept of stealing. He sees Mum putting food in the cart, possibly taking samples of things, picking up the free flyer, and for my kids, sometimes they are allowed to eat a bun while we shop, which I pay for later at the check out, so the whole stealing thing may not be completely black and white.

I would try not to make a big deal about him having *stolen* something, but we would definitely have a discussion about it when everything was calm, as well as the danger of running away from me (which, to be honest, would probably upset me more). I might tell him that the money DH gave him was now going towards the chocolate bar (if I felt he was able to understand the corelation), so the toy could not be bought today, but I wouldn't dole out any kind of punishment. I would try not to shame him by making a huge deal out of it, as I doubt that he saw what he was doing as stealing at all.

If this behavior was completely out of character for him, I would try to figure out where it came from and how we could avoid it in the future. (Was he hungry, tired, shopping too long...?)

[LynnS6]

OK, this is my take on the situation:

After a stimulating afternoon out (lunch+park) you went shopping. First you stopped at the toy section, then you went to get your stuff. While shopping your son had a major failure of impulse control. He opened the chocolate bar (the failure of impulse control), and then ran away (another failure of impulse control, probably motivated by him seeing just how upset you were).

What he did was something that would have majorly upset me, but I wouldn't worry that it's going to send him into a life of crime.

So, for me, I would have:
-Told my child very firmly that I was really upset (OK, honestly, I probably would have yelled)
-Put the toy back
-Paid for the candy bar and thrown it away
-Gone home and been very grumpy (natural consequence, not intentional), and taken some time to myself
-Made a mental note that if I needed to go shopping, to do before the outing or on another day. If I needed to shop after the outing (buying ice cream, for example), to get the 'boring' stuff first while my kid has some reserves.

So, I'm with you through the store stuff. I think that sending him to his room for 30 minutes and taking away TV/video games for the rest of the night is overkill. Others may disagree with me. I don't think it's horrible, I'm just not sure that it's going to teach him anything -- he's gotten his punishment (no toy), so what's he learning from the 30 minutes in his room? No TV?

If I were to impose anything, it would probably be that he needs to spend some time helping me do some stuff around the house to make up for the time that it's going to take me to go back to the store and buy the stuff I need. And during that trip, he gets to stay home with dad.

[3xMama]

I think everything you did in the store was fine, but I agree that the 30 minutes and no TV was a little overkill. Kids at 4 don't necessarily correlate whats going on. So he gets the toy taken away because of the chocolate bar. By the time you get home, he may be too far removed from the event for any further punishment to be effective. Not to mention, how much punishment does he need? Does he need three punishments for one transgression? Does he know not to steal? If not, this is his first time dealing with the concept and he didn't know better. It is hard in the heat of the moment to not overreact though, esp to something that really upsets you. I've done it plenty of times and DH has had this convo with me.

If it were me, I would sit down with my DD (also 4) and discuss why what she did was wrong and why she can't do it again. If she did do it again, I'd take her to the manager and make her give it back and apologize. If it was candy that was open, then I'd make her pay for it (I'd have to give her the money, but she'd be responsible for giving it to the cashier).

[Artichokie]

I'm not going to make any judgment about how you handled it in the heat of the moment - I wasn't there. But I'll give my two cents. IMO there are two separate issues here. 1. He impulsively grabbed a candy bar to eat, and 2. he ran away from you in a public place.

Sitting here on my couch, I can say that ideally what would have happened is that he would have grabbed the candy bar and you would have calmly said, "if you open that candy the toy will go back and your money will pay for that candy bar which you will not be permitted to eat." And then if he opened it, you followed through and removed the toy, stuck him in the cart, paid, and left.

I would guess that the running away was just over stimulation from all the fun and excitement and a knee jerk reaction to being in trouble and having a prize in his hand. If you have an emerging (or existing) issue with him running from you in public, then you imo need to contain him until he is more in control of himself, either by using a leash or keeping him in the cart/stroller. If this was a one time thing, I would be furious at the time, out of frustration and/or fear, but not necessarily concerned about creating natural consequences. You might stop next time you go into a store, get down on his level and remind him that he must stay beside you or he will have to sit in the cart.

I don't see how he really stole anything. To me, stealing means planning to take something out of a store w/o paying. I don't think he thought that far ahead at all.

Just my 2c.

[mom2happy]

Maybe I'm a wimp, but 4 years old, 1/2 hour? That's a lot!
This is what I would have done.
Told him that he took something that didn't belong to him in a VERY serious disappointed voice.
Explain to him in a simple quick way how everyone has to work to make money to live. Taking things from stores makes it harder for the people who own the store to make their money.
Take him back into the store, get in line and act very embarrassed and shocked to the cashier as I paid for it, saying how sorry we are.


That would be it.
I know every kid is different and responds to things their own way.
That would be the way my DS would realize he cant do that again.

Note* DH doesnt think I discipline my kids enough

[chiefmir]

I agree with a PP that it can be confusing for kids to understand how we SOMETIMES take things that aren't ours in supermarkets, but that it was different THIS time. In our local supermarket, there are almost always samples we take and give the kids-and don't get me started on how many different foods they get to taste as Sam's Club on a weekend morning! Plus, the see us take the supermarket flyer, coupons, recipie cards, etc. Usually on every grocery store trip, I end up opening up something and letting them eat some before we pay (like a bag of goldfish)...and of course there is the cookie section, where every kid gets a free cookie if they ask the baker. So, I'd first make sure- even give the benefit of the doubt- that DS really knew what he did was wrong. and how it was different from the above examples. If my DD was him (she is 5) she might have said that she figured we could pay for the candy by showing the cashier the wrapper (like when we open goldfish) in which case I have a different issue (i.e. eating candy without asking and running away in a public place). if she ran away, I'd probably assume it was because she realized she had done something wrong-- we're dealing with that now in the case of telling a lie when she is caught having done something wrong, and we're explaining how the SECOND mistake (in your DS case, running away) is often worse than the first-- and that we can work out the first issue better if she tells the truth.

on a related note, my DD DID take something from a friends house recently (we were tehre as a family) and then lied about where she "found" it when we saw the toy (it was a tiny rubber duck, about the size of a grape). in that case, we had a long talk about why we didn't take things that weren't ours and she got to explain why she liked the duck (because it was blue and small- go figure) and why she took it (because she wanted it and was afraid they'd say no if she asked to borrow it). I told her about the time I took something from a friend around her age (stole some Barbie dollars )-- and then she dictated a note to mail back to our friend with the toy... I'll let you know if it worked!

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by ILoveMyBabyBird

So I first took his toy and left it told him that he couldn't have it now because he did that with the chocolate and then he started crying in the main aisle. So after a couple minutes I pick him up and have to carry him, (he is 4 and over 50lbs and I am pregnant) I leave all my other shopping and buy the chocolate and the few things in my cart and we check out and leave and in the car I scolded him about it, that it is stealing and that he could not have the rest of the bar. I gave it to dh when we got home and sent ds to his room for 30 minutes, he is to not watch and tv or play any games for the rest of the night.

I was pretty upset about him doing this, did i handle okay, how can i prevent this from happening again?

TIA

The thirty minutes, no TV and no games seems harsh to me on top of losing the toy and a scolding. He's four and had a long day during which he was well-behaved except for this incident.

Were it my son (also age 4), I would have asked him to pay for the chocolate out of the money Dad gave him and explained that we don't open food in the store until we have paid for it. That is the rule in our family.

Since he ran away in the store, DS would have to hold my hand while I finished my shopping and paid for the items. He's too big to sit in the cart but he can hold my hand or hold onto the cart so that I know he is safe and close to me, and that is how I would explain it to him.

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I think that sending him to his room for 30 minutes and taking away TV/video games for the rest of the night is overkill. Others may disagree with me.

I completely agree with you. I also think giving the chocolate to his dad was also overkill, even if she ended up doing that, he didn't need to know.

My son did this once, he was coming up on 4 I believe. At that time our deal was that he got one special treat and he'd picked something out. When we were checking out he wanted these sour balls and I said no, you're getting (chips/cookies/cereal...whatever it was he'd picked out and I was in the process of paying for). He opened the pack and got one or two in his mouth before I took the pack away and had the clerk scan it. On the way out I made a point of throwing the candy away (not in a mean way, but I was frustrated in the moment), we talked about it and that was that. He never did it again. And no, I didn't withhold his other treat.

[JMJ]

I stole once. What made the biggest impression was my mom making me apologize to the manager. I was mortified. After that, I would never steal again.

My mom stole once. Her mom didn't catch her until she was eating it. Her mom had her earn the money in chores to pay for it and pay the manager and apologize. She was mortified and would never steal again.