how to maintain this friendship

[mommariffic]

I have a lot of struggle with this

I've always had friends - people to meet for coffee, or talk with..but never a "best friend;" someone I can count on for anything. I have friends that have BEEN my friends for years and years, but again no bestie

Right now I have a friend I really do enjoy, but she does a few things that really offend me. I need help on how to address them I think? Or please be honest and let me know if I'm just being too sensitive!

I am messy. Not dirty, or filthy, just messy. Books around my house, toys, crafts left to dry on the dining room table messy. But, I can honestly say that in my mess I know where everything is - it's chaotic to everyone but ME. My friend is the opposite of me, and is very neat and organized.

A few times, she's left things at my house supposedly. The first was a pair of her sons pants..I looked for an hour, and my cleaning people came the following day and no pants so I told her and she told me that my dogs probably ate them. My dogs don't eat pants

The second were her house keys, I looked for over an hour again and nothing. I told her, and she made some slightly offensive [to me] remarks about them being in my mess somewhere [it's not that horrific at all] and she said her husband would come look and I was like you know, I did look, they aren't here. She ended up finding them an hour later IN HER OWN BAG.

The third is an extremely expensive sling she lent me. When she gave it to me I noticed it had some pinkish spots, but didn't think anything of it because it was used by her so whatever. She comes over one day and sees them and is like "I wanted TO SELL THAT and you got spots on it!" and I was like no, they were there...again, she's like no you got bleach on them, or juice because your daughter drinks it.

Again, not true.

I don't know how to answer these things. It's so so frustrating to me because she immediately makes me feel guilty. I don't know if I'm wrong because I'm the messy one or if she's just being kind of an a-hole about everything. She seems to do this a lot, if I'm late [I have two kids, one of which is a 3 month old] she's like seriously, how late are you, SERIOUSLY and it's just annoying.

How can I address these things without offending her, or should I even bother?

[doubledutch]

yuck! how annoying. i think the best way to enjoy that person is outside of your house, and never borrow anything from her.

[E.V. Lowi]

Not too sensitive. If this person had not apologized profusely after the keys incident, I would have made a point of letting her know how out of line her comments were then. If she could handle it, then we could move forward. Without contrition on her part, there would be no point in continuing the friendship. She sound abusive, to be honest.

[hhurd]

Originally Posted by E.V. Lowi

She sound abusive, to be honest.

Inconsiderate, self-centered, and annoying maybe, but abusive? Really? That seems a little harsh.

[dakotablue]

I know its hard to find friends...but honestly this one sounds stressful and kinda high and mighty. I don't know (if it were me) I'd want to be friends as I don't need that kinda negativity in my life.

One incident I could chalk up to a bad day, two maybe moodiness, three...now she's starting to sound like a jerk.

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by dakotablue

I know its hard to find friends...but honestly this one sounds stressful and kinda high and mighty. I don't know (if it were me) I'd want to be friends as I don't need that kinda negativity in my life.

One incident I could chalk up to a bad day, two maybe moodiness, three...now she's starting to sound like a jerk.

Yeah, I agree. You don't want to end up walking on egg shells around her - being careful what you say or do. That's happened to me and the friendship ended badly. I mean, I'm glad it's over, but still...it ended badly. I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

And I know how you feel about finding friends. They are few and far between. I have a couple myself and sure I know I can count on them when need be, but with our crazy lives these days, it's hard to meet for coffee or see each other very often.

[E.V. Lowi]

Originally Posted by hhurd

Inconsiderate, self-centered, and annoying maybe, but abusive? Really? That seems a little harsh.

I think when the friend accused her dogs of eating the pants, that crossed the line. And to insist that the OP damaged the sling when the spots were clearly visible from the beginning, and to browbeat her about it, was over the top and abusive IMHO. Personally, I wouldn't allow anyone to treat me this way.

[ChristyMarie]

Hrm, I guess the first question is do you really want to maintain this friendship?

The pants/dog thing - could she have meant it jokingly? Or, with some dogs it is a valid question. Mine will eat stuff left out. But I usually find the remnants.

Did she apologize for the key thing? I would have been mortified if I was her (not that I would have acted that way to begin with) - I think her reaction to finding them in her own purse says a lot about what type of person she is.

The wrap thing - um, damn. Not good. My only thought is that she had loaned it to someone else who caused the spots then she didn't notice before giving to you. Still, not a very nice way to behave towards a friend.

I think if you do want to move forward you need some boundaries - which will include not ever ever ever borrowing anything from her again. But she also seems rather scatterbrained (not a bad thing, but some of us just are) if she leaves that many things behind.

[*bejeweled*]

This is the type of person that will continue to belittle & browbeat you unless you stand up for yourself.

I'd tell her to f*ck off in an amusing (& very serious) way, and then see how she handles it. If she can take it, then maybe we could be friends. But I would never allow her to belittle me or my home.

[mom2happy]

She doesnt sound like best friend or even friend material to me.
At first about the pants and the keys, I thought- well she could just be kidding around or being silly about it and I dont have a problem with a little teasing with friends. The sling though... she should have been embarrassed to say something like that. Its was disrespectful. She could have thought it, but if she was considerate of your feelings she would have held her tongue and made a mental note not to lend you things.

I dont have a best friend either- since highschool. It would be nice though.

[Harmony08]

I second almost all of these posts. Sorry this is happening to you.

[oliversmum2000]

I agree it sounds like a mildly toxic friendship with the potential to get a lot worse.