Just replace the money or let him be upset?

[HappilyEvrAfter]

My son is wailing on the couch right now. Won't let me comfort him.

Sigh.

He got $10 from his great grandparents. He's been keeping it in his wallet for several weeks. He has actually turned down toys because he wanted to save it.
He even saved up two more weeks worth of allowance so it would turn in to a $20 bill.

Since tomorrow is Friday I told him this morning that he could pull all the bills together, give them to me and I would trade him for the $20 bill.

Well, he came home from riding his bike and told me that since I was going to give him a $20 that he gave one of the girls on the playground his $10.
He's heartbroken now that he fully understands that it's really gone.

Of course, I went back to the park thinking I might make a case to the girl that he's young and didn't understand. MAYBE she would give it back. I don't really think I could MAKE her give it back...not like she stole it. But. She was gone.
We don't know her or where she lives.

So, I feel bad for him. BUT should I let him be upset and use this as a learning experience? What's gone, stays gone?
Or becuase he MAY have misunderstood me, take the blame and replace the money?

Now, he's been repeatedly warned that his wallet is to stay at home unless we're are going somewhere specifically to buy something...he snuck it out the house this afternoon.

Things do happen, misunderstandings do happen....but this happened around a broken rule.

He's 6, btw. Young, but not too young to understand that when I tell him NOT to take something that important out of the house, it's NOT to be taken.

He doesn't fully appreciate the true value of the paper, but based on the fact that he's held onto it up to now shows he knew it had some importance.

What do I do? Replace the money or let him learn from his disappointment?!?!
WWYD?

[philomom]

Let him be upset. He gave away his money. You are under no obligation to replace it for him. Maybe he'll be more careful from now on.

[blessedwithboys]

Sorry, all I got out of this was that I can't imagine sending a 6yo out alone to play...

[happysmileylady]

I don't think the broken rule is really the cause of this. After all, if he really wanted to give his money away, he could have done that without breaking the rule by bringing the money and not the wallet. And I don't think that letting him learn from his disappointment will really teach him to keep the wallet safe (which is the point of the rule about keeping the wallet at home right? It's not like something happened to the wallet.)

So, my question is, when you talked to him this morning, are you absolutely sure that he understood what you said? If you are sure he understood what you said, then I would be inclined to just let him be upset.

But if you aren't sure that he understood what you meant by trading all his bills for one bigger one, then I might be inclined to replace the money. Especially since he was trying to have such a kind heart and sharing something that was important to him.

[littlemizflava]

umm i say both let him know that his money is gone. it is a good lesson to know that if you "give" away something it is gone forever. since it is smallish amount if you can i would at a later date explain to him that you are not replacing the money that he gave away. but if it was me i would be giving the amount maybe as two $5's.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

He obviously misunderstood what was going on poor little guy. I would give him the money if it where me. My ds is 6yo and has zero understanding of the value of money past knowing you buy stuff with it.

[Nicole730]

I would replace it.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

Well, he came home from riding his bike and told me that since I was going to give him a $20 that he gave one of the girls on the playground his $10.
He's heartbroken now that he fully understands that it's really gone...

...He's 6, btw. Young, but not too young to understand that when I tell him NOT to take something that important out of the house, it's NOT to be taken.

He doesn't fully appreciate the true value of the paper, but based on the fact that he's held onto it up to now shows he knew it had some importance.

What do I do? Replace the money or let him learn from his disappointment?!?!
WWYD?

It is a harsh lesson but it will stick with him if he learns it now. I was all for replacing it as he misunderstood that he would need to trade in the $10 for the $20 until...I saw that he had broken the rule in taking his wallet out of the house. Knowing that he snuck it out of the house against the rules, I would empathize with him but not replace it.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Minxie

It is a harsh lesson but it will stick with him if he learns it now. I was all for replacing it as he misunderstood that he would need to trade in the $10 for the $20 until...I saw that he had broken the rule in taking his wallet out of the house. Knowing that he snuck it out of the house against the rules, I would empathize with him but not replace it.

I would give him just the additional $10 you promised him (but NOT as a $10 bill -- give him 5's or 1's or something so he doesn't think you are replacing the $10 bill he gave away).

Although I am curious why he gave away his money (and the reason might change my answer!)

[Peppermint Leaf]

I wouldnt replace but would also give him an opportunity to earn the money back working around the house with age appropriate chores.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Thank you for all your replies.

No, I can't be 100% sure he understood that the $10 plus his two $5 were to be traded. I know he caught what I was saying since he parroted it back to me and we talked about it being like the COINSTAR machine (put change it, get bills back), BUT how I can I be 100% that he "got it?!? Ya know?

And I agree that maybe the wallet getting taken out is possibly a non-issue. He really just could have just as easily take the bill out and left the wallet home. I see your point on that one.

And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that he can be so giving. I do, really. Ugh. That's what sooooo sucks about this. I don't wanna squash that, but how do I teach him that some things don't get given to random children?

I did address the "bullying" possibility. I asked him if the girl asked for the money, forced him to give it to her or was trying to take it from him.
He said the girl did ask for it, but that he willingly gave it to her, "becuase I'm gonna get a $20 anyway" (which also leads me to think he didn't fully understand this morning)

Though I probably should just leave the comments about him being out by himself alone ... First, thank you for your concern about my son's safety.
Secondly, I would adivse you to ask for more details before making such a blanket statmet. While you're surely entitled to your opinion (it is a public message board), you have NO IDEA about our location, situation or my son's responsiblity level.
I happen to live on a military base, in a gated housing area, that is routinely patroled by the security forces members that also live all around me.
Not to mention that I hold my son's repsonsibilty level in THIS are very highly.
And, finally, I know 98% of the people that live here and THEY know the people I don't and I trust them.
I would end up going to war with them if called.

So, anyway (off my soapbox)...I'm considering "gifting" him at least half back.

I'm still listening to your replies and open to subsequent advice...

[tracymom1]

Originally Posted by Peppermint Leaf

I wouldnt replace but would also give him an opportunity to earn the money back working around the house with age appropriate chores.

This is EXACTLY what I was going to say. Sounds like a good compromise.

[happysmileylady]

If this is military housing, do you have any way of knowing who the girl was and could possibly talk to her parents or something? Probably not, but worth a shot.

Given that he said that he was getting a $20 anyway, that sounds to me like he really didn't truely get the trading concept of the bills.

I like the idea of having him earn it back through chores.

[KempsMama]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

Thank you for all your replies.

No, I can't be 100% sure he understood that the $10 plus his two $5 were to be traded. I know he caught what I was saying since he parroted it back to me and we talked about it being like the COINSTAR machine (put change it, get bills back), BUT how I can I be 100% that he "got it?!? Ya know?

And I agree that maybe the wallet getting taken out is possibly a non-issue. He really just could have just as easily take the bill out and left the wallet home. I see your point on that one.

And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that he can be so giving. I do, really. Ugh. That's what sooooo sucks about this. I don't wanna squash that, but how do I teach him that some things don't get given to random children?

I did address the "bullying" possibility. I asked him if the girl asked for the money, forced him to give it to her or was trying to take it from him.
He said the girl did ask for it, but that he willingly gave it to her, "becuase I'm gonna get a $20 anyway" (which also leads me to think he didn't fully understand this morning)

Though I probably should just leave the comments about him being out by himself alone ... First, thank you for your concern about my son's safety.
Secondly, I would adivse you to ask for more details before making such a blanket statmet. While you're surely entitled to your opinion (it is a public message board), you have NO IDEA about our location, situation or my son's responsiblity level.
I happen to live on a military base, in a gated housing area, that is routinely patroled by the security forces members that also live all around me.
Not to mention that I hold my son's repsonsibilty level in THIS are very highly.
And, finally, I know 98% of the people that live here and THEY know the people I don't and I trust them.
I would end up going to war with them if called.

So, anyway (off my soapbox)...I'm considering "gifting" him at least half back.

I'm still listening to your replies and open to subsequent advice...

I sooo wish we had a "Like" button on Mothering.

[eepster]

I'd first wait for him to calm down. I would say that we would discuss it tomorrow or after diner, but not right away when he is crying.

Then discuss it. You promised to add an additional $10, so I would do that, but not replace the first $10 by making it a twenty. I might make it something you needed to hang on to for him depending on his explanation of events.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by Minxie

It is a harsh lesson but it will stick with him if he learns it now. I was all for replacing it as he misunderstood that he would need to trade in the $10 for the $20 until...I saw that he had broken the rule in taking his wallet out of the house. Knowing that he snuck it out of the house against the rules, I would empathize with him but not replace it.

Ok, yeah. True too. Even if I went with my earlier realization about the actually wallet maybe being a non-issue he still would have had to snuck the $10 bill out too. He has been continuously told that the money is NOT a toy.

AND, Lol, he just came and sadly told me, "Mom, okay, next time I'll do like you told me and just keep the 10 at the house. I'm really, really sad and miss my Hamilton."
That's verbatim.

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Although I am curious why he gave away his money (and the reason might change my answer!)

I explained above. The girl, apparenlty, just asked and he said he gave it to her becuase he was getting a $20.

Originally Posted by Peppermint Leaf

I wouldnt replace but would also give him an opportunity to earn the money back working around the house with age appropriate chores.

Now, THAT might help him out. Make him feel some accountability and some sense of responsibilty about the money.

[Mackenzie]

Originally Posted by blessedwithboys

Sorry, all I got out of this was that I can't imagine sending a 6yo out alone to play...

My 6 yo goes out by himself. He loves being outside and there is no way any of us would be able to be with him all the time and him be able to be out as much as he wants. He has a very strict area that he can wander in and he checks in frequently. It works for us. Try not to assume stuff, how about.

Eta: I would give the 10 and give him the opportunity to earn back the rest... Seems like a nice compromise.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

If this is military housing, do you have any way of knowing who the girl was and could possibly talk to her parents or something? Probably not, but worth a shot.

He can describe the girl. Sounds like she might be a bit older...maybe 9/8ish.
He says, for sure, that she doesn't ride his bus which means she's either one of the homeschooled girls or goes to the city school instead of the county school.
Although, the two homeschooled girls I know have blond hair.

We'll eventually see her again, I'm sure of that and my son will recognizer her.
I don't know 100% of the kids by sight but someone will know her.

I'm just not sure that I even feel the need to address that. Should I?
Maybe my son didn't understand what he was doing, but it doesn't sound at all like she was forcing him to give her the money.
Maybe that's something my DS needs to understand....that if you offer it, it's not the other person's faul if they accept it? KWIM?
I mean, maybe she should have known better or maybe not, but it's not like he's 2 and she was taking extra, extra advantage. Ya know? It was more his misunderstanding about offering it away.


Oh, for sure, he's still gonna get the $10 that I promised. No question there! :-)

[mom2happy]

I'm so glad I can share this story.
DS is 5 years old and loves to have money. He also is very generous and would give the clothes off his back to anyone. I haven't been able to stop him from giving his money away because when I warn him that he wont be able to buy the thing he wants he just says "Oh, that's OK".
So, I have no advice on that.

As far as the sneaking the wallet and cash out of the house I can tell you what happened with us.
I told my DS not to take his wallet with him unless I told him we were going to the store. He still did it sometimes anyway. He sneaked it out one day when we went to the library. I was checking out books and he was sitting in the children's section. Next thing I know he comes running over to me crying with his empty wallet. It turns out he took his $2.00 out and left it on the table. When he went to put a book away it got stolen.
He was incredibly upset. He couldn't believe that someone in the world would do that to someone else.
I felt terrible and wished I could shield him from all the bad in the world, but this was a great lesson on reality.
I consoled him and went through the hard time with him.
He has NEVER snuck his wallet out again and now has $12.00 saved up.

[AllyRae]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

.
He said the girl did ask for it, but that he willingly gave it to her, "becuase I'm gonna get a $20 anyway" (which also leads me to think he didn't fully understand this morning)

This right here leads me to believe he really didn't understand, and I think that not understanding that is pretty typical for a 6 year old. If it were me, and this was the only part of it, I would replace the money.

BUT. He took his wallet out of the house after being told not to, and that's a rule he likely *did* understand.

So, I guess for me, I might replace it all, or I might replace half and ask him to earn back the other half. But, I would also tell him that he does not have physical access to the money until he demonstrates that he is able to listen to house rules. I would let him know that the bank/wallet/etc would be kept on a shelf out of his reach and that he needs to ask for help if he wants to access it.